Judgemental comments

[Everestisthebest]

Up until recently I had never really experienced any judgement from other people about being a sahm but now it seems that because my youngest is in school that people seems to be making more critical. One mom yesterday made a remark when I agreed with her that Summers can be difficult, and she responded well it's more difficult when youre working. Then today I was having small talk with another mom and mentioned i was tired as child had been up every hour with a chest infection and she responded by saying essentially but you don't work...like i didn't have any right to say I was tired because I dont "work". What most of these people don't know is my eldest who is 6 has ADHD and autism and managing that alone has left me completely burnt as i essentially i am her carer. Anyway just seem to have been getting a lot of snide passive aggressive comments. How do others deal with these kinds of things?

I'm a sahm and I agree with them. Holidays are harder when you're working full time. It must be a logistical nightmare. And regardless of what else is going on, you do have a lot of time off in the day when most people have to deal with all the shit life throws at them and have a job. I'm incredibly privileged to be a sahm, and I wouldn't begrudge other people having those views because it's true.

I mean they aren't wrong? You have it easier, as they have to parent and work. If your children are at school then you have alot more free time not parenting and you dont have to worry about childcare in the holidays.

The comments don’t really sound judgemental, more factual to be honest. If you aren’t working when your kids are at school then yes, your day is probably easier than those who are working full time and juggling the school run and after school care etc.
Of course you have every right to feel tired. Raising kids is tiring whether you work or not. But surely you have to realise that if your child is at school and you’re not working during that time then you have more hours without work or childcare responsibilities than those who do work.

I wonder how many of these commenting have any experience of SEN children? It is bloody hard work.

This, Why is it harder to drop dc at school, go home, do some domestic tasks then go back for pick up, than drop at school, go to work, pick up from after school club that you have to pay for, then do domestic tasks when dc are there?

These comments don't sound judgemental. Do you have friends who are also SAHPs or with SEN children- because its probably best to talk with them about the challenges of school holidays which are quite different for you as a SAHP with SEN children, than juggling work and holidays (noting many working parents also have SEN children). Same with the tiredness - all parents have bad nights but again it's different if you have to head into work and so it's probably best to share more with other mums closer to your situation.

Yes I have had those comments before too…like it’s some sort of fucking competition. Even my own sister said to me when my kids were still young and in primary that now ‘I just had to find a job’ for the record I have worked all of my life
Bar the last 4 years due to personal reasons.

I’d be interested in your shoes about why you’re experiencing these comments as ‘judgemental’. What’s going on for you?

I have 2 with SEN and had to give up work because of DSs SEN(which are more severe than DDs). I get really annoyed when people say holidays are easy, with a SEN child they are anything but easy.

If they don’t know your child is Sen then I’m not sure what they are doing wrong, it isn’t snide, it’s just correct when no Sen present.

Working parents are inevitably part time parents. Nothing wrong with that but other professionals parent dc as well as them. SAHMs just do it themselves. Cannot see it matters really.

Yes but the people making these comments to her don’t know that so it’s being judged on what they do know.

Did you chose goady today. Working parents are no more part time parents than every parent whose child is at school. Being a parent doesn’t stop when you’re not with them, when your kid is in school,like the ops, she doesn’t stop being their parent.

The comments are just factual, really. Doesn't sound like they're intended to be judgmental. Is there a reason why you've taken them that way?

Having a dc with SEN is obviously difficult but you do have more free time than most - that isn't a criticism, it is merely a statement of fact. It isn't a competition in any case - none of us get extra life points for being busier than everyone else.

Eh? I work full time and my DS does 3 hours of after school activities and 3 hours of wrap around care a week. That’s not substantially less parenting than a SAHM with school age kids…

So would you say that OP is a part time parent, as her children are cared for by other professionals part of the time?

I guess by that logic, SAHPs with dc in school are also part time parents.

But your logic is flawed in any case. Professionals may provide childcare but childcare isn't the same thing as parenting. And parenting includes earning enough money to provide food and clothing for your children and a roof over their heads, so we are all full time parents in reality.

I’ve been a SAHP and am now a working parent. Both have their difficulties. I am definitely more mentally stimulated going to work and I get a break from the tedious day to day routines. My mental health has improved since going to work. But when the kids are ill, it is true that it’s harder to be a working parent because you have to be so switched on and focused at work while also not getting any sleep caring for your children at night.
I’m not jealous of SAHP but I do think some are.
I’m sorry you’re struggling as a SEN parent OP, that’s one I could not comment on. In fact, I don’t think people should stick their beak in others situations full stop- we all do what we think is best/what is necessary for our families.

Ridiculous opening comments, presumably by the same sort of people making these horrible comments to OP in real life.

Of course some things are easier/harder than others, the point OP seems to be making is that you don't always have to bring it up or go on about it during everyday small talk!

OP gave two specific examples which these PP don't seem to have even read properly before jumping in -

The first one about summer - the friend brought it up, all OP did was agree with her! And then got jumped on!

"It's a bit more difficult in the summer isn't it?"
"Yeah you're right there"
"No I'm not! It's easy for you!"

Why fucking say it then? Who does that?!

And the second one was just small talk. "Gosh, I'm a bit tired today." The usual thing to say there is "oh really, bad night?" so the conversation can continue (as if you were normal human friends having an interaction to pass the time) or even "oh yeah, me too!", not "I'M MORE TIRED THAN YOU, YOU CAN'T EVER BE TIRED, YOU'VE GOT LESS TO DO THAN ME"

Do people do this with other aspects of life?

"I'm a bit stressed out by all this trying to sort out my mum's care package and getting round there enough to check up on her" "MY MUM'S DEAD SHUT UP"

"My skin's getting me down at the minute, it just won't clear up" "YOU'RE PRETTIER THAN ME THOUGH, HOW FUCKING DARE YOU "

Why are some people such weirdos

Well they arent wrong...

If my kid is up all night sick... I still have to go present to the VP... and run the workshop .... and explain the new incentive model to the latam team at 5.30pm because they just wont join any earlier in the day gahhhh

I can't have a nice cup of tea, watch some nextflix, eat some lunch and have a nap...

Time is like money... some have more... some have less.

I have (some) money but less time

I don't go on about how salty I am not being easily able to afford private school x 2 (who can without help!) for my kids when loads of my friends have GPs who pay fees for them.... to my friends that were made redundant and struggle to pay their mortgage and wont have a summer holiday this year.

Just because someones having a worse time doesnt mean you arent having a bad time too...

My feelings ( like yours ) are valid but you need to know your audience....
A working mother is not your audience....

I work FT my best friend is a SAHM, we each recognise that different elements are tough for each other but in different ways.

She recognises I have a stressful job then have to flip to mum mode without decompression time and school holidays are difficult from financial and emotional of wanting to spend time but not having the ability to do as much as you want.

I recognise for her holidays are long and it's all on her to deal with she doesn't feel she can use holiday clubs as she's not in work. I also completely get that she struggles sometimes on everything being on her to sort (her DH works at sea and is away for long periods).

The reality is someone will always have an opinion no matter what so learn to shut out the noise. I've had it for working FT and doing so from my children being 10 months old. What works for each family is individual.

Yes this! It’s not what they are saying @Everestisthebest its the feeling it stirs up in you? They are not judging you…YOU are judging you!!

I also really don't think these comments are "judging" you as a SAHM

Wow, I always thought nothing could get more patronising than the tired old "no-one can make you feel inferior without your consent", but these posts here, these are impressive.

haha this made me laugh, I completely agree though!

People are making judgey snide comments.