Realities / experiences of being a SAHM? Do you enjoy it?

[Elephant768]

I’m expecting our first child in March. I feel so lucky to be pregnant and to be blessed with the opportunity to be a Mum. Before ever meeting my husband, I always knew I wanted to be a Mum. I always wanted to find a man that was a good soul and could ‘provide’ so I could be a ‘SAHM’. I can’t explain it - I do think it’s somewhat instinctual. And I know that my husband has always valued care, affection and a sense of ‘homeliness’ in a woman (me) - we compliment each other well.

Anyway, I went to uni, got a degree, also got a masters and for the last 6 years have been working in a corporate job (I don’t have any managerial responsibility) but it’s an easy job in a corporate work place and I reap the benefits there , private insurance, good pay etc etc. But there’s no way after having a baby would I ever want to go back to that job. I’ve always known that.

Everyone is asking me if I’m going back to work after the year of ‘Mat leave’ is over. And personally, I’m of the belief that I should be at home with my boy until he goes to primary school. Even then, I want to be at home ensuring he has healthy dinners, breakfast, homemade snacks, makes sure everything at home is comfy. Because even if I had a 9-3 whilst he was at school, it seems impossible and stressful to dedicate your life to your son AND work. Of course I know there are so many mums out there that manage it so it’s definitely not impossible and I respect it so much. But I don’t want to hire Nannie’s or babysitters. Or send him 5 days a week to nursery. Not only is the cost extortionate, but children are so precious and I want to be around as much as possible. Of course when he’s of pre-school age he should absolutely be around peers his age but there’s no way I’d send him to nursery before that so someone else can change his nappy. I must add we do have both sets of grandparents near by so Nannie’s wouldn’t be an option anyway.

But personally, as I have the option not to because of my husband, thankfully he can provide etc. I would rather not and my husband fully supports this stance. We have family members that are also the same in our values but I’m still too scared to tell other people when they ask because I’m worried they’ll give me an ultimatum about working.

Of course, I’ve never been a SAHM because this is my first child. All I know is that when I’ve been ‘wfh’ I often prioritise baking and cooking homemade meals for when my husband comes home. And I take GREAT pleasure out of it. To the extent that if I get a work email in my head I’m like ‘ ffs don’t they know I’m making a lasagne’ (lol) and work comes second.

Of course I know kids can change everything. So I guess I’m asking what the hard and fast reality of being a SAHM is. Please no comments like ‘ what if your husband leaves you’ etc etc. I’m asking real life experiences of just being a SAHm. My mother asked me if I’d get bored and I said I don’t think so. But very open to peoples experiences because maybe I will!

are you a SAHM? Were you one but hated it and went back to work? Do you LOVE it?

Some people love it, some people hate it. It will depend entirely on your own personal experience and circumstances. I found it boring personally, but have friends who gave up careers to raise their families. It all comes down to having the choice really. Try to keep your options open so if you decide to return to work you still can. Your husband will benefit hugely from you staying home, so if/ when the time comes he may not be enthusiastic or supportive of you going back to work. Keep that in mind.

Thank you and yes very good advice about keeping options open just in case. I do have a good relationship with my work at the mo, and I have briefly considered that if I could wfh maybe part time in a couple years that would be an option (it’s in London so commuting and looking after a young child would be too much)… thank you v much!

I always wanted to be a SAHM and then I had a child and, after a short-time, I realised it wasn't for me. I ended up working part-time which worked really well. I needed to use my brain and I needed to be around adults who didn't just talk about small children all the time. Equally I wanted to enjoy time with my DD whilst she was little. She ended up going to a childminder 2 days a week which, being an only child, she loved. Then her grandparents one day a week and she still has a beautiful relationship with them. Then I had 4 days a week off with her. It was perfect for us but you need to figure out what works for you. You won't know until you get there though...or at least that was my experience. Everyone is different.

Yes of course - I appreciate how that could happen, and you’re right, I absolutely won’t know until I’m living the situation and so I can decide then. 4 days is still a lot of time to be with your child - I definitely remember my mum working a couple days a week with me but enjoying the rest of the time together :)

I did both. I didn’t enjoy being a sahm because I was bored. But it’s definitely easier than working.

I was a SAHM until DC were at school. We were skint, and their Dad left when they were 5 and 3. But I LOVED every minute of it. It was 15-20 years ago though so things may have changed.

It does sound as though you’re the type of person who would enjoy it, and still keep yourself busy.
I work 2 (very long) days per week and have the other 5 with my 3yo (and another due in a few weeks). I love this balance of still bringing in a bit of money and independence, but having most of my time with my child. I couldn’t imagine working full time and love that time with my child, but then I’ve never had a career as such, just a job, so it’s very individual to everyone.

But yes, that time with your young children is precious and flies by, so treasure it. As long as it works for you all, give it a try.

I was a SAHP, but I didn’t have children until I was 37 and had climbed as far up my particular tree as I could get without taking a step up which would have meant live in childcare and not seeing my child the week. I absolutely loved being a SAHP, but I had plenty of savings, a well paid and supportive partner, a fulfilling and successful career behind me, a nice home, a car, plenty of friends and family nearby-practically perfect conditions. I wouldn't have done it otherwise.

Aww congrats on your arrival in a few weeks. Yes 2 days a week and a little bit of £ to spend sounds perfect but I know what you mean when you say they feel long! Same as you - my job is very much a ‘job’ and not a career even though it is in a corporate environment so I don’t feel like I’m sacrificing any ‘meaningful’ career!

I really enjoyed being a SAHM - it was intensely hard work, and a really creative challenge. For me, it hit the same sort of feeling as writing my thesis, in that was very hard work, often intensely boring but I felt I was doing something worthwhile that I really loved.

BUT, if I were to have that time over again, I would have gone back to work part-time. I would still have had the majority of my week to care for my children, but being a SAHM put a strain on my relationship with DH that still affects us almost twenty years later. The dynamic of the relationship shifted as I was so dependent on DH. He started to feel like a boss rather than an equal partner. I lost so much self-confidence, as there really isn't much positive feedback for good parenting, and I didn't have time for outside interests of my own.

My employability tanked, did when I went back to work, it was in a minimum wage retail job. And after years of having got used to someone else doing all the domestic work, DH stopped seeing those jobs as his responsibility and it took several years of really difficult conversations to get any kind of balance in the workload, and we still aren't participating equally. I feel that in this area, I've really let my children down because I don't want them to think that it's normal for the mother/wife to do everything, and it's not what I would want for them. DH also felt more trapped in his job knowing that we all depended on him, so difficult times (threats of redundancy, changes in management etc) were all much more stressful for him.

I think that as a family, we would ALL have been much happier if I'd worked for three days a week, and we'd shared the domestic and financial burdens more evenly.

You’d be completely mad to deskill yourself and become economically dependent on your husband, whatever your heavily-gendered socialisation has taught you is ‘instinctual’. Children don’t need a parent forensically concentrated on them 24/7.

Please no comments like ‘ what if your husband leaves you’ etc etc. I’m asking real life experiences of just being a SAHM

But my real life experience of being a SAHM WAS that my husband left me. Sorry but it happens. Well actually he had an affair so I kicked him out. I then had to find a job, and childcare because he moved 200 miles away and only had the DC every other weekend.

Don’t get me wrong there are lots of benefits to having that time with your kids, especially when they are small. But please, please protect yourself- keep your skills up, make sure you have some money put aside.

Thank you so much for sharing - that’s very insightful to know. I’m glad to know you enjoyed it but in your hindsight maybe knowing it might’ve been more beneficial to work partly.

I certainly know what you mean with husband feeling more strain with fear of blips at work. I know my husband has felt that pressure before without me being pregnant or having children (even tho I have a job) so of course it’s definitely worth taking it as it comes and thinking about when baby arrives

No of course that is the reality of peoples real life experiences and I’m really sorry that happened to you. Of course, it could happen to me to - literally anything I could! I just meant sometimes people are very quick to jump at ‘well what if your husband leaves you’ rather than separating it from the actual experience of being a SAHM :)

But yes - I will very careful with my approach to it all, keeping skills and finances etc

I always wanted to be a SAHM and now I, to all extents and purposes, I am. I am self employed but that’s paperwork a day a week at the moment with my littlest in tow while my eldest is at preschool, so I suppose my input centres purely on the day to day and not future employability and financial independence etc.
For what it’s worth, I absolutely love it. It was slightly more ‘sparkles and rainbows’ when I only had one, we had more time for baking and painting and crafts and stuff but now my younger one is nearly 8 months and more in a routine, I’m getting that time back again. We go to classes, to the park, to the library, to the beach etc but also just running errands etc together is lovely, teaching them all about the world. I would’ve hated to have been away from my babies, but of course I appreciate how lucky I am to have had the choice!
My husband works very long hours (nature of the job rather than solely need for money, so even if I worked part time away from our business, he’d still never be around) so most of the time it’s just me and the kids which can feel a little lonely sometimes but I’ve got great friends and I’m close to my brother and his family so good circles. I do all the housework, cleaning cooking etc etc, which can lead to resentment for some, but works for us.

I’m not sure it’s ‘mad’ to become economically dependent. Lots of mothers still do -sure it’s less common these days and it’s just a reality that 2 people need to work in order to sustain a financially stable family. Although I think there’s so much emphasis on women being in careers these days (which is great for women that want that and it’s all about choice)- that unfortunately there can be some sort of negative connotation with women wanting to be a SAHM. But that actually has been historically the norm in societies, for centuries so I don’t think women that do want that should feel ashamed.

I know it’s not necessary these days, but if I want to be around my child as much as possible - I don’t think it’s ‘mad’ as you say. Maybe just less common :)

I’ve been a sahm for 16 years since my eldest was born. From the perspective of the family- it was a great choice, with very little downside except for the loss of income. For me personally, there are a lot of good things, but also some significant disadvantages.

There was a shift in the balance of power in our relationship and in our financial decisions. I have a really good dh, and I still felt it. Even with access to all the money, and a commitment to be equal partners, it’s very, very hard to push through your pov when you didn’t earn the money. When I look back over our lives, I’ve given way to him on almost every major decision. From his pov, we discussed everything and came to joint decisions which is true too. But there were many times when I’d have stood my ground if I’d been the one earning.

I became the default parent from the get-go. Dh has never had to hesitate to work late pushing a tender through, or fly abroad for a conference because his childcare was rock solid. But I also became responsible for every night feed, and where he just got up and had a shower, I had to hand off the baby for mine.

Everything in the home became my responsibility and that feels very different than maternity leave when it’s mainly about the baby and yourself. That’s not necessarily a bad thing but being a sahm isn’t the same as ML.

After the toddler years there was no community because the norm is to go back to work. You don’t fit with the baby-mums anymore, and the only others with free time in the mornings are oap, and other dms treat you a bit differently too. Some are friendly only because they see you as free childcare.

I have a dc with autism, who sporadically has very high needs, and every attempt to get a part time job, volunteering, taking course, going back to college, crashed when he would have an episode. I graduated college with first class honours but so long ago now that it barely counts. And my cv is so fractured that mc Donald’s would hesitate to hire me now.

Dh could have stepped in and helped me but he didn’t. I’m not going to pick that apart now except to say that the power dynamic changes, when you have dc, and more so when you don’t work. I don’t qualify for any grants or financial help with fees so when dh didn’t think that getting a masters in my field was a sensible choice, that was the end of that. I could have left, of course, but then I definitely wouldn’t have been going back to college either.

I really, really missed my professional identity and sense of accomplishment and value. I’d been head hunted, promoted and was “one to watch” and then found myself lying in bed every night with a list swirling round my head of the things I hadn’t done, things I could have done better. There’s no prizes for being a sahm, and whatever you do draws judgement and criticism.

In the beginning I was imagining a lot of baking and cooking. There is a good bit of that but when you have a family that will only eat this and can’t bear that, it quickly becomes drudgery. It’s actually hard to remember I ever liked cooking.

It’s not been glamorous either. It’s hard to get my hair or nails done, when the kids constantly need things (who is looking at me anyway?) and I rarely buy new clothes. In the winter I wear extra jumpers and a hot water bottle in the house because I only heat it when we’re all in.

I’m probably more frugal than I need to be now. Dh earns well, and we have good investments, but we still maintain a tight budget. When my youngest was a few months old, his business hit a cash flow problem and we had to put all our savings into the company, and sign a bond on the house to raise capital. It paid off, but we were on a financial knife edge for a while. That was very hard on dh, as the sole earner. And I was quietly looking at jobs, and realising that I couldn’t outearn childcare for three dc.

There’s a lot to be said for having a parent present in the home, but I’m not convinced that the “traditional” model of man out working, woman home is a good one. I put traditional in inverted commas because it only extends back 125 years and before the Industrial Revolution, fathers had a much greater presence in the home and family.

I personally think that one of the under appreciated gains of feminism was allowing men to have openly loving relationships with their children in a way that previous generations stations couldn’t. I think that moving work back into the home is an incredible step forward, and that sharing the joy and connection of family with fathers can only be positive for them and for dc.

Some of the strongest proponents of sahm/ tradwife/1950s are openly anti feminist and rooted in fundamentalist religious values and white supremacy. I’d (politely) shut the door on Mormon missionaries when they call, but I have their wives chatting to me on podcasts, and influencing me on instagram. Just be careful about who you’re letting into your head.

I’m a sahm to 3 age 5 and under, it’s extremely hard, exhausting, full on but of course fleeting and rewarding.
my husband has his own business and is away half the month and we have no family help so they are factors that make it much worse. But the thought of someone else caring for them as babies is just a no for me, the older two started pre school at 3 and 3.5 but were with me until then

Thank you so much for sharing your experience! I feel like I’ll be in a very similar position to you and I’m glad to know you’ve had a positive experience. Re loneliness I get how it could get lonely, and thankfully we do have two sets of grandparents and so many aunty and uncles nearby that will be so happy to come round and not only help with the baby but just come round for a coffee and chat

Yes this is exactly what I envision - completely agree with not having anyone else look after them as toddler / babies :)

That was not what the OP asked

I just want to pick up on your point about historic norms. Women’s rights were swept aside by Norman culture, and they went from being people to chattels with no control over their own money or property.

That was a very specific cultural shift, and in no way represents a natural arrangement or order to things.

Modern English people identify with the Norman’s and this is the culture that then spread into North America, Canada, Australia. But if you look at the cultural norms that were displaced, by Norman values, at every subsequent point in history, the family structure is cooperative and interdependent. During the Industrial Revolution, and accelerating in the post war years the nuclear family emerged, and that structural isolation is an historical anomaly.

”Hunt, Gather, Parent: What Ancient Cultures Can Teach Us About the Lost Art of Raising Happy, Helpful Little Humans” by Michaeleen Doucleff is a great read

But as that poster said, you seem to be assuming that ‘real life experiences of being a SAHM’ don’t include that relationship breaking down, and you being economically vulnerable, deskilled and unable to support your own child or children. It happens. Or you become unhappy in the relationship, but can’t end it because you have no income or access to money.

Parenthood involves supporting your child, too, in a range of scenarios you perhaps can’t imagine. You would be irresponsible to render yourself incapable of doing so. My friend wasn’t expecting her husband to die of a salivary gland cancer in his thirties, but he did.

We know a few couples where one became a SAHM. Works well for some it seems! The potential career gap and reduced pension becomes a downside if you get divorced though…one couple going through this and the SAHM period has been weaponised! Crazy…

I had 4 and I was a SAHM for quite a while. I loved every minute of it and wouldn't change anything but It's not for everyone. I looked forward to the holidays when they were at school which by reading on here a lot of parents don't seem to enjoy their children when they are home as there are so many treads about people complaining about it.