Realities / experiences of being a SAHM? Do you enjoy it?

[Elephant768]

I’m expecting our first child in March. I feel so lucky to be pregnant and to be blessed with the opportunity to be a Mum. Before ever meeting my husband, I always knew I wanted to be a Mum. I always wanted to find a man that was a good soul and could ‘provide’ so I could be a ‘SAHM’. I can’t explain it - I do think it’s somewhat instinctual. And I know that my husband has always valued care, affection and a sense of ‘homeliness’ in a woman (me) - we compliment each other well.

Anyway, I went to uni, got a degree, also got a masters and for the last 6 years have been working in a corporate job (I don’t have any managerial responsibility) but it’s an easy job in a corporate work place and I reap the benefits there , private insurance, good pay etc etc. But there’s no way after having a baby would I ever want to go back to that job. I’ve always known that.

Everyone is asking me if I’m going back to work after the year of ‘Mat leave’ is over. And personally, I’m of the belief that I should be at home with my boy until he goes to primary school. Even then, I want to be at home ensuring he has healthy dinners, breakfast, homemade snacks, makes sure everything at home is comfy. Because even if I had a 9-3 whilst he was at school, it seems impossible and stressful to dedicate your life to your son AND work. Of course I know there are so many mums out there that manage it so it’s definitely not impossible and I respect it so much. But I don’t want to hire Nannie’s or babysitters. Or send him 5 days a week to nursery. Not only is the cost extortionate, but children are so precious and I want to be around as much as possible. Of course when he’s of pre-school age he should absolutely be around peers his age but there’s no way I’d send him to nursery before that so someone else can change his nappy. I must add we do have both sets of grandparents near by so Nannie’s wouldn’t be an option anyway.

But personally, as I have the option not to because of my husband, thankfully he can provide etc. I would rather not and my husband fully supports this stance. We have family members that are also the same in our values but I’m still too scared to tell other people when they ask because I’m worried they’ll give me an ultimatum about working.

Of course, I’ve never been a SAHM because this is my first child. All I know is that when I’ve been ‘wfh’ I often prioritise baking and cooking homemade meals for when my husband comes home. And I take GREAT pleasure out of it. To the extent that if I get a work email in my head I’m like ‘ ffs don’t they know I’m making a lasagne’ (lol) and work comes second.

Of course I know kids can change everything. So I guess I’m asking what the hard and fast reality of being a SAHM is. Please no comments like ‘ what if your husband leaves you’ etc etc. I’m asking real life experiences of just being a SAHm. My mother asked me if I’d get bored and I said I don’t think so. But very open to peoples experiences because maybe I will!

are you a SAHM? Were you one but hated it and went back to work? Do you LOVE it?

I've been a SAHP for 8 years now. My partner died during pregnancy of my youngest. So it's a bit of a different experience as I was completely alone. I have my own savings and my family are super generous with any help if needed.
I have two kids and with my first I was working part time and with my second it was definitely different doing it alone alone.
I lost less of myself when i worked part time. If I could choose - I'd work part time. It took a while to pick myself up after the death and raise two kids alone so I left work. A lot went downhill like looking nice (but I'm blessed so it's just a natural look vs make up put together) but I was used to make up, hair done, pretty clothes. Slipped into jeans and t shirts life. Idk if its because multiple kids and being solo or because full time at home with them I got lazy with appearance etc - something to consider. I also focused solely on them so overall I was/am considered domestic goddess among those I know but I'm unsure at what price. I think when i worked part time I was more put together for me, whereas the lines blurred when I gave my all to my kids.

Now, I did this off my own financial back. I wasn't and still am not financially dependent on anyone. Please do consider this.

This is so true.
So, so, so true.

I never really wanted to be a SAHM, I just fell into it. I wanted to return to work part-time. But my old company couldn't accommodate, and I had twins so the childcare costs would have wiped out my entire salary whichever way I went. Compounded by the fact that my mat leave ended at the end of Feb 2019, so I was unemployed for a few weeks and then COVID hit - not a great time to be job hunting.

So I did the SAHM thing for a while and honestly at that point I hated it. They started walking that February, and two toddlers is no joke. I was permanently exhausted. It improved when they were able to start attending a local playgroup in September 2021, three mornings a week. That gave me a little bit of sanity back and I could actually take care of the house again.

Even for a SAHM I would suggest a small amount of 'relief' is important. And a partner who wants to be hands on (my husband is a really involved dad) - otherwise you will burn out. I did also lose my sense of self a bit in those early days because I'm not naturally domestically inclined.

They started school two years ago. While I am still technically a SAHM, I am doing a disrance-learning masters degree part-time. I have welcomed the return of using my brain and feel much better for it. I "go to school" when they do, but am able to be there to pick them up and still keep the house running etc.

It's a great balance for us and I love that I can always make the assemblies, sports days etc. plus we don't have the stress of arranging childcare. If I need to work a couple of days to keep up my studies during half terms they go to holiday clubs, but it's not frequent.

We are lucky to be in a financial position to do this - my husband has a good income and our lifestyle has remained constant. But money and the organisation of finances needs careful consideration before you commit.

Once I finish my masters I intend to work for myself from home and continue to work in a way that allows flexibility for my family and is fulfilling for me personally.

(Edited to make paragraphs - I didn't realise how long it was!)

I was a SAHM for 4 years - not by choice. I lost my job during covid and was pregnant and my industry took a few years to recover. I had visions of loving being a SAHM and everything being perfect but honestly be prepared for things to change - do not underestimate how life can change when you have a kid. My son was diagnosed with ASD at 3 and it was 4 gruelling years. I hated not having my own money and looking after a kid with SEN was all consuming. Our relationship suffered. I would never be a SAHM again. I have friends who worked full time raising their kids and their kids are super happy and lovely- I don't think it makes a difference. I would never put myself in a position where I was financially dependent on someone. Even after 4 years out of work it was incredibly hard to get back into my career but now I work full time and love having something else in my life. I would consider reducing your hours, working part time first. Make sure you agree finances with your husband before you go into being a SAHM and keep paying into your pension. Things change, life changes - be prepared, protect yourself.

@Elephant768 I had my first baby when I was 34 and before that had a very successful City career with Investment Banks. I went into my marriage owning my own house.

I didn't intend to give up work but I was burnt out and the baby wasn't well. In those days there was only six months mat leave. DH's career was at that time starting to take off.

I had seven and a half years at home with the children, until DD was settled in reception which was when I got bored. I loved every minute of the time with my DC and at home. I didn't find it a difficult stage at all, the house was always tidy and it was a time when dh was out of the house for 14 hours a day.

There were fabulous connection with other mums, we went to baby group, creche, story time at the library, music group, the one o'clock club. It was all very structured. We played and went to the park, learnt letters and phonics, colours and trees, plant names and examined pebbles, shells, counted the cracks in the pavement. As well going to the museums at South Ken. I chaired the PTA, ran Sunday School and did a bit of charity stuff.

Both children were reading when they went to school and were curious. We had such fun.

I took a hit career wise, those seven years probably cost me £700,000 plus pension, and went back to work locally and part-time for little more than tuppence but they sponsored me to do professional qualifications and a second career fell into place. One where I'm now very senior although thinking about retirement. The best thing I did was to transfer my previpus pensions into the Local Government Scheme before 2014 because it locked my first 20 years of pension into the final salary scheme and my salary ratcheted up after that point.

I started work aged 20 so overall have worked a total of 36 years which I think is fair going.

Going back to work was also the right thing to do. It broadened me, probably helped keep the joy in my marriage alive and made me more grounded and the children more independent.

If you can do it I would. The early years are mega important and whilst some of the jobs around babies and small children are boring, the babies and small children aren't.

If you do it, make sure you claim child benefit and your dh can repay it. That makes sure you get your pension credits

IME it’s enjoyable for a while - if you’ve been working in a high pressure job it’s a nice contrast - and then it gets boring.

Hi OP,
I’ve been a SAHM for 7 years who loves being one and always knew it was what I wanted to do.
Things I love about it:

• Spending the maximum possible time with my lovely children.
• Watching them grow, learn and change. Following and supporting their interests through play both at home and out in our local community.
• Looking after them when they are poorly and never feeling guilty/stressed that I need to call an employer to negotiate time off.
• Having more time to properly organise and run my home. I have weekly routines and feel calm and peaceful with how tidy our home and gardens are.
• Having more time to spend with my own Mum and siblings during the week.
• I got to know our local community on a different level, and got to know so many wonderful people out at baby/toddler groups.
• Doing all the school runs and never missing a school event. I also volunteer as a Governor and help out on many school trips and hear children read individually (not just for my children), so I feel part of my children’s school community as they have got older.
• I spend loads of time outside walking, at parks, at nature spots and gardening, and my overall health (both physical and mental) has never been better. I was so constantly run down and unwell in my previous career, but now I am so healthy.
• Being able to free up our weekends from cleaning/errands/appointments so we spend time as a family having fun!
• Freeing up time to spend with my husband during the evenings.

There has been no downside for me. I think we have all benefitted hugely as a family having me at home. My children agree, they both like me spending time relaxing properly with them cuddling and watching a film after school rather than doing jobs round the house. I spend a lot of time organising activities, days out, etc, but both say they just like when I relax on the sofa with them. So I am trying to do more of that. It’s a role that constantly shifts and evolves.

Those people saying it changed the power dynamic in their relationship, that is so true. I think it was a nail in the coffin for me and exH. He also felt he had carte blanche to go out for drinks after work, stay as late as he liked in the office, still do his hobbies at the weekend…

When he left I started a whole new career and found a childminder. Now that my DC are older teens I definitely think the fact that I work has been good for them- they are independent, they have a lot of respect for what I do. I also know a few people my age who stayed as SAHMs now feeling a bit lost as their DC don’t really need them anymore.

One of the happiest couples I know both went part time when their DC were born, but worked different days so the DC mostly had someone at home. It meant they both kept their careers but also had time at home with their DC.

I have four under seven years old and am a SAHM. I absolutely love it and wouldn’t change it for the world. However I do have my own passive income so I am not financially reliant on my lovely DH.

My best friend always said she wanted six children and to be a SAHM. She absolutely hated it, and went back to FT work when her baby was six months old. She chose not to have any more.

Just slow down and take it as it comes.

I think like many other posters have said its very individual. I have three children. After my first I was desperate to get back to work, it was tough but it helped me regain some of my identity again. After my second I wanted to go back simply because I was very passionate about the job (working with children) however it was harder to manage day to day even with a supportive partner and so I was going to go part time, however our third then showed up and I haven't returned to work since.

It's been a few years and I have truly enjoyed most every moment as a SAHP. I do not plan on returning to work. I will lost likely do some volunteering at some point if I have time to fill. Having worked almost full time from the age of 16 I am enjoying early retirement.

However I must admit the key to being a happy SAHP is being secure in your relationship (and finances). I love my husband dearly and him me however we both know this would not work if we split up. You must protect yourself financially, to be able to give yourself time to figure things out if the rug was suddenly pulled out from under you.

That's just my experience, I appreciate others may not feel the same. If you fully choose the SAHP life it can be wonderful.

I loved being a SAHM and am so glad that I had that time with my (now young adult) children. I will always cherish the memories of those days being with them.

Go for it, OP.

I remember feeling the same way as you @Elephant768 my mums advice was “being a sahm is not all it’s cracked up to be”….and she was right it’s a very lonely world imo(and yes I went to baby groups, coffee mornings etc) . I had two dc and went back to work when my youngest was 2.5yrs old. I didn’t like it at all, my pension took a hit too unfortunately.

If I were you, I'd wait and have the baby before deciding. Keep your options open. I wouldn't quit your job, take the maternity leave and then you have the option to choose. Do you have any option for part time or self employed / consultancy type work? I was very pleased to return to work after my maternity leave, as much as my daughter is my world, I needed to use my brain, have my own identity at work etc. Especially as you have grandparents to do childcare. Don't make a committed decision now. And unfortunately husbands do leave, and relationships end. And do adjust your expectations for what you'll be able to do in terms of cooking, housework etc once baby is here. Looking after a newborn is full on, most days you might only be able to shower and make a coffee, let alone make a lasagne.

I’m a SAHM and I do enjoy it, it’s full on and tiring but I wouldn’t have it any other way. My youngest daughter goes to nursery 1.5 days a week and my eldest 3.5 days a week so I do still get 1.5 days completely free.

But the most important thing here is, you say your husband can afford for you to be at home, and sure he may be able to pay all expenses for however long you’re out of work for. But you need to consider the future too - you are looking at at least 5 years without contributing to your pension unless he is going to do that, at least 5 years without building any savings unless he will put savings in an account only you have access to so if god forbid something happens, you won’t be left with no money and nowhere to go. If you’re willing to give up work, have some contingency plans in place first.

And also something to think about - if your husbands wage literally just covers your mortgage/bills and a very small spending amount a month, will you be happy? Because without money, you’ll be spending a lot of time either inside with your child or at the park or something rather than doing activities. I would hate being a SAHM if I didn’t have at least some degree of financial freedom to do whatever I want.

Keep your options open. (And your pension finance etc )

Do not become dependent on your children for your identity. They will grow up

Don't leave your husband out of nappy changing etc he should equally be involved

Hmm. I am a sahm.
It sort of happened by default for me so I didn’t really have a plan for it or idea in my head of what it would be like.
It really is very individual.
For one thing, Covid happened a few months after I had my first.
I had PND/ anxiety which was hell on earth.
My little one was lovely but not an easy going baby. I suppose I would have had notions of myself cooking and cleaning with the baby in a sling - no chance. I used to get nothing done and end up in tears because of the state of the place. I cooked most nights before I had the baby, afterwards I had zero ability to concentrate, baby was always screaming or needing something then she turned into a toddler wrecking the place then a small kid constantly interrupting. I couldn’t get a thing done or that’s what it felt like anyway. I can’t even remember know or imagine why I couldn’t get a simple dinner done without drama…it must’ve been the pnd for the most part. I have only just started cooking from scratch regularly in the last few months and dd is now six!
Everything still piles up and gets on top of me now tbh but I just try to keep pushing on.
The last while has been hard because the school referred us to a child psychology clinic. They suspect ADHD.
Homework is tricky and can be very stressful.
Anyway, it is all very very different to the ideal of the sahm cooking healthy meals and doing handicrafts and the house all clean and cosy, but maybe that’s just us.
I think regardless of sahm/ going out to work, the main advice I would give on becoming a parent is learn to be flexible. Don’t get fixed notions that it’s going to be like this or that - you just don’t know. And don’t be too rigid coming up with standards that might be difficult or impossible to stick to. Perfectionism and parenting don’t go together very well.

I’d recommend it personally, if you can afford it.
You need to make sure you and DH are on the same page though, it’s not “his money”, it’s family money and your contribution is just as important as his.

I was a SAHM until my children started primary school when I returned to full time work.

Your DH needs to be fully on board and you need to have agreed things like equal access to family money etc well in advance.

You need to be realistic about what your life will be like. I loved being a SAHM but it’s not all baking, flower arranging and cooing at the baby.

In the first three years it’s hard, physical work, on very little sleep, with no lunch breaks, no nights off and no weekends. Holidays are just the same thing in a different location. Yes family can help, but mostly you’ll be pretty exhausted.

You need to work out with your DH what “SAHM” means. Will he do any housework, will he get up in the night with the DC, will his still cook or clean or do laundry. Different couples have different arrangements, make sure you discuss the ground rules in advance.

What a previous poster said about changing the status quo is very important. After 5 years of me doing most things at home, my returning to work full time was a huge adjustment for my DH.

It can be lonely. I wouldn’t have survived the early days without my NCT group. You need friends with babies at the same stage to talk to.

Think long term. I went back to work when my DC started school to protect my future and that of my family.

I also wanted to make sure that my DC saw that their Mum was a rounded professional who had a full life. That’s an important thing to model for both girls and boys.

I was able to get a role at the same grade an salary as I had left, but those 5 years impacted my career trajectory and I’m at least two grades below where I would have been if I’d kept working. You have to make your peace with that in advance.

Finally PENSION, PENSION, PENSION

I know lots of women who became SAHMs when their DC were born and never went back. We are all in our early 50s now and they haven’t worked for 20 years.

To be blunt they are fine if their DHs die.

They are screwed if their DHs leave them/get ill and can’t work. No employment history, skills out of date, no pension.

I loved being a SAHM. My D.C. wouldnt be who they are now if we hadn’t made that choice. But make no mistake it comes with sacrifices and risks so make sure you know what you are choosing.

And get yourself back to work once your D.C. get to school, don’t leave yourself vulnerable.

I am not a stay at home mum, it wasn't for me. But the ones who I've seen it work for are not the one who dedicated themselves to their children completely. They had hobbies they kept up or volunteered in the evening. Something for them. They didn't say "Oh, I'll find something in 6m, a year, when the baby is bigger" they went in with a plan to carve out for themselves even if it didn't start for 6 months iyswim?

Having said that I've lost touch with all of them now as my kid has gotten older, so I wonder if that's something to consider, can it make it difficult to sustain friendships? That's probably more on me and the limited amount of time I have during the week.

I absolutely LOVED being a SAHM. BUT. I had been working for 17 years by the time I decided to have children. I was at a senior level, and had nowhere to go career wise without taking a huge step in a direction I didn’t particularly want to take. I had a high earning partner who was wholly on board. I had a nice home, a supportive network, family nearby, a car, savings for emergencies and plenty of money. Frankly, without all those things I wouldn’t have completely given up work.

I thought I’d love being a SAHM - until I had my first maternity leave and went potty 😂 I need the mental stimulation and being around adults (mostly - I’m a primary school teacher!) I went back 0.7 though which works for us as I can be around for my two children and do the default parenting while my husband works full time in a ‘high powered’ corporate job. No chance I’d be working full time while trying to juggle everything else. Unfortunately as women we can’t excel in everything, but you have to strike the balance for you and your family. Don’t sacrifice your own mental health and sanity under the guise of being the best mum you can - it’s a case of put your own life jacket first if that makes sense, and everyone else’s happiness will fall into place around you. I’d recommend trying maternity leave for an extended time first and see if the sahm life agrees with you. Worst case you have to return to work for a couple of months to keep your maternity pay, and then can review what you want.

I am a sahm I wouldn’t say I love ‘it’ but I love them. And I know no one else could care for them or about them like I do. It’s short lived x