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SAHP

A place for stay at home mums and dads to discuss life as a full-time parent.

Original poster

Help me to change my mind about SAHM

30 replies

MaybeSAHM · 23/10/2025 19:50

My DH is encouraging me to become SAHM. We have one child, and hoping to have more. We are in the 30s.

I am reluctant because I am worried that I will miss out on my career growth (with AI things are moving fast, and I am worried that I will find myself on the back foot).

He says that I can always go back to what he calls "spreadsheets" (he is not wrong in the description of my job, be it well paid one).

Part time isn't an option for me - none of the roles are advertised part time, and unless you get your current employer to reduce hours, companies are not keen on hiring part-timers.

I just want stories of encouragement or vice versa about SAHM.

OP posts:
oldclock · 23/10/2025 19:51

Listen to your inner feelings,they are spot on. He just doesn't want to have to do any childcare. Stick to your guns and make sure he pulls his weight. And how dare he be so rude about your work?

mixedcereal · 23/10/2025 19:53

How old is your child?
what does your DH want you to be a SAHM?
have you asked your current work to drop hours?

FullLondonEye · 23/10/2025 19:54

Sounds like you have bigger problems to worry about than potential loss of career progression.

OutandAboutMum1821 · 23/10/2025 19:55

I’ve been a SAHM for 7 years, absolutely love it! Best thing I’ve ever done. So rewarding and so many benefits for us all. I love spending lots of time with my children and having complete autonomy over my day/week.

However, it was something I always wanted to do since I was a child myself (so inspired by my own Mum), the idea didn’t come from my husband (he’s always been happy for me to do whatever).

Prettygreeneyes43 · 23/10/2025 19:57

Hmmmm. What do you want to do?

MeanMrMustardSeed · 23/10/2025 20:02

I loved my 14 years at home, and would do it all again. I’ve found myself doing a totally different job that I got through a friend, and it’s wonderful to be back to working. Ive
still got 15/20 years left of working life - plenty enough for me! Maybe part time would be a good balance but I would have hated to work full time with a young family.

bluewhitebluewhite · 23/10/2025 20:03

Please don’t give up your financial independence. Do what you want to do, not what is most convenient for your husband. Your working and being fulfilled outside the home is a good role model for your children, as my mum was for me back in the 70s and I was for my children.

Rainbowqueeen · 23/10/2025 20:04

Is this because when you were on Mat leave you took over all household tasks and his life was so much easier? I’d be very wary that this is for selfish reasons only.

SAHM should be something that you really want, not something that he wants for his own selfish reasons.

What would he say if you suggested he stay at home instead ?

If you have concerns, I would go back to work. If both of you can wfh a couple of days a week and use some of the time saved on the commute to handle household tasks, that would help make life easier for both of you.

You can always explore a career change into something that is more flexible with hours but so can he.

TheCrenchinglyMcQuaffenBrothers · 23/10/2025 20:06

Everything you're concerned about is true.

But more importantly, if your children so need a SAHP - why doesn't he become a SAHD?

Peonies12 · 23/10/2025 20:07

What do you actually want, yourself? SAHM is absolutely the right choice for a lot of parents but I do think you have to be very sure. I massively respect SAHM, no way I could do it!! I think your husband has been very rude about your job, I would be upset if my husband was so demeaning about my job. Dont talk yourself into something you are not

LilacPony · 23/10/2025 20:08

Honestly, this is painful to say but it’s equally been the best thing I’ve ever done and my biggest regret. I have adored being at home with my children, absolutely loved all the time with them and I can easily hear myself saying “I wouldn’t have had it any other way”. I know when I’m old and grey, it’ll be that time with them that I’ll look back on as the highlight of my life. But equally, I mourn my career. Im completely behind and my field has moved so far forward I’d be entering at the same level as graduates and starting again. To the point I feel I need to start a whole new other career in my 40s. Go with you gut. It’s tricky.

Livelaughlurgy · 23/10/2025 20:08

I'm a SAHM and I love it. But it's monotonous, stressful, tiring and so many headaches. I think you need to really want it and love it for it to work. And you need to be a really good team. If you're not 100% sure I'm not sure you should do it. You're giving up to much to do it on a maybe.

Peonies12 · 23/10/2025 20:09

Unfortunately a lot of relationships do end, and not keeping some form of work going is an undeniable risk. I don’t think you should be talking yourself into it. If your husband thinks it’s so important, is he up for staying home??

Anditstartedagain · 23/10/2025 20:09

No because you don’t want to do it. I love being a sahm but it’s relentless and isolating. Can DH become a sahd or go part timr?

Ghostellas · 23/10/2025 20:12

I’d just say to think carefully about it. These days with restructures galore and rising unemployment , if you can afford to stay at home it might be worthwhile. Myself and a few other working mums I know would bite your hand off for that. We earn too much to stay at home but feel absolutely wrecked from juggling young children and a career and in our case after a few years of that you can become worn down and jaded.

WannabeMathematician · 23/10/2025 20:13

You haven’t said anything about joy, either way. I don’t have to work, we could change our lifestyle so that it’s not needed but my husband has always looked at me like I’m mad when I mentioned it after my first. Because I would love it for about a week then I would be like a caged animal. Part time suited me well (though it’s some people’s full time!). If it will bring you joy do it if not then don’t.

PennywisePoundFoolish · 23/10/2025 20:19

I don't like the way he's dismissive of your career. I'd be concerned he wants you to be a SAHM to make his life easier, then when he decides you should return to work,he'll be expecting you to find a job that means he doesn't have to do any school runs/take on extra household tasks etc.

Being more neutral, I'd raise if his income alone will be enough to maintain your pension contributions (and increase annually etc). Also discussing savings, sharing chores/lie ins at the weekend etc

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 23/10/2025 20:27

What do YOU want to do? That’s really the only question you need to ask yourself.

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/10/2025 20:56

Anyone who was dismissive of my role to try to get me to be a house elf... I'd assume I'd be getting divorced at some point so keeping my job would be important.

FullLondonEye · 23/10/2025 21:43

Quite. How is his attitude to money and sharing it in general? Is he happy to pay voluntary contributions to plug the gap in your pension? Will he feel he has more say in how the house is run or in how you spend because he’s the one providing the money? Does he belittle you in other ways or just your career? If he doesn’t respect you with a career he’s even less likely to when you don’t have one. I say this by the way as someone who was a SAHM for a few years who has only gone back to work part time and that’s not likely to change any time soon, however the conversations we had to get to this point weren’t anything like the ones you appear to be having.

windchimeheaven · 23/10/2025 21:47

I loved being a SAHM, but you sound very doubtful about it, so maybe it's not right for you? Your concerns about falling behind in your career are very valid.

How does he react when you suggest he be a SAHD? How fair would he be with finances if you were?

user593 · 23/10/2025 21:59

I’d see how you feel after the next child, and stay put until then as presumably you have decent maternity benefits where you are?

I took a year maternity leave with my first and was desperate to get back to work. The plan was the same after DC2 but after some unexpected and complicated medical problems for both me and DC2 I decided to become a SAHM until I feel ready to return to work. Thankfully DP was on board and earns enough to pay all our outgoings and top up my pension and savings so the impact on me is minimal.

WhereIsMyLight · 23/10/2025 22:10

Why isn’t DH considering being the one that stays at home? Why is it your job?

Being a SAHM is hard. It’s something that either has to a last resort (high medical needs DC) or something you really want. Anything else and you’re just going to end up resenting your kids and husband.

DH telling me I could always go back to my “spreadsheets”, when you have explained to him about AI and the risk of being out of touch very quickly, would be like a red flag to a bull. I’d be finding the highest paid “spreadsheet” job I could as fuck you.

SouthLondonMum22 · 23/10/2025 22:20

He has no respect for your career if he just calls it 'spreadsheets'. Why do you have to be the SAHP? If he's so insistent, why can't he do it? He can always go back to sitting in an office or whatever he does.

There is no way in hell I'd be giving it up with his clear lack of respect and the fact that it seems you don't want to which is absolutely fine.

CrispieCake · 23/10/2025 22:22

Is he going to pay into a pension for you, ensure you have equal access to family money and do his share 50/50 when he's not at work?

If you're considering the idea, I'd set these as minimum terms.

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