Weird one. Embarrassed to use nursery when I don’t work?

[BabyLlamaZen]

We agreed to put my toddler in nursey two mornings a week so that I get a break in the week. Up until recently Ive been exhausted doing all SAHM duties including with sen child who only recently started doing full time school (his first year was ehcp, school refusal, reduced timetable etc and I was up there multiple times a day). Both kids up and down all night. Weekends is a lot of chores and trying to let DH get some downtime as he commutes 5 days a week. So those nursery mornings are for me to get as many chores done as possible as well as any personal appointments and admin. And I guess Im also starting to try and exercise and have time for ‘me’. They go fast tbh anyway.

But I still feel weird and guilty when I talk to other mums who work and it feels crazy to think I actually use nursery when I dont work. I had one person recently raise her eyebrows at me when I said Im a SAHM and then that I still use nursery. So I felt like I had to sit there and explain all my reasons.

I have a friend in a similar situation to me (and her oldest isnt even sen and can do clubs) and her point was that just because most women have it shit and have no time for theirselves doesnt mean I should feel guilty and make myself suffer more than I need to. And although I agree with her I still feel guilty!

Im meeting up with three mum friends next week - all work full time- and I already feel pathetic about my life and guilty:(

If you can afford it do it. Child get used to being with other children and away from you. You get to do other things in a less stressed way, you are altogether a less stressed and better mummy, and your children don't have such a culture shock when they start school.

I wouldn't be embarrassed. It's pretty normal for sahms round here where a lot live away from family so wouldn't get a break otherwise.

Can't you just say it's to get your child socialised in a pre-school environment so it's easier for her when she starts school?

We use nursery and neither of us work (both carers for SEN dc). We get quite a few comments but I’ve developed a thick skin and don’t let it get to me anymore.

My children did 3 days a week (I worked compressed hours and so did their dad ). They are the most wonderful teenagers now, confident, self assured, top sets for everything and thriving social lives and hobbies and still great friends with us. I also co-.slept and got judged for that. Yet they both shifted confidently to sleeping through the night once they were ready

All the judgey pants stuff that goes on towards and between mums of tiny children based on making decisions that are right for their family is so stupid and unnecessary.

They don’t need to be socialised until 3 years old - playgroups are enough until that age. Until then, they are playing alongside each other - parallel play. But by all means do it if you need a break. Getting a break is important for everyone. I’ve personally chosen to have someone help with cleaning and housework over nursery for the time being. And if it’s only part time nursery then you’re still with your babies the majority of the time so it’s not like you’re just farming them out to a nursery full time and not doing anything all day.

Toddlers are at the point where they need that sort of socialisation; learning to share, making friends etc. Two mornings a week sounds perfectly reasonable.

It’s totally fine

I work 4 days a week and the day I have off with both my children (under 4) is by far harder than my working days.

I have the utmost respect for stay at home parents, I’m not sure it is something I would have the energy to do myself.

Absolutely no judgement on you for taking 2 mornings! And honestly, your child will love it, and you will both benefit from the break and the renewed energy you have for the rest of your week.

Both of mine have gone to preschool a couple of mornings a week from when they turned 2. My second is starting school in September so we've bumped him up to 3 days a week to get ready. It's never occurred to me to feel guilty about it. Even now that it's way more time than I need to get jobs done around the house. I also use that time to go to the gym, do our shopping, prep food and whispers even rest occasionally.

I was a SAHD who was fortunate to have the means (only just) to send both DCs to nursery for a couple of sessions a week. I self-evidently did not need nursery as childcare. I wanted the DCs to be exposed to different stimuli and early social interaction, as well as structure and just getting used to not being around me.

And, I have no shame at all in admitting that sometimes I needed the time too - both to stop my brain turning to mush and to enable me to perform other caring responsibilities.

I'm sure some judged me, but as a SAHD I got judged for all sorts anyway and I didn't care.

I worked very part time when my DDs were little (2 days a week) but they still went to preschool a couple of mornings from age 2ish, then did their 15 hours from age 3.

This is an old post but as an ex SAHM (now working FT) can I please encourage to use whatever support you possibly can. I also had a SEN child and toddler. Do not white knuckle this! It is a really full on role. I’m in a busy full on job that involves a fair amount of out of hours working and child juggling, DH is also in a busy FT role.

As a SAHM I had a cleaner and a childminder two mornings a week. I felt guilty about this but frankly was totally and utterly burnt out. Hear me when I say even with all this, FT working is still easier than the physical and emotional rollrcoster that is SEN SAHMing!
Please remove all guilt.

I used nursery because I needed a break and DD needed more social simulation than I could give her. It worked perfectly for us because she needed that. Never cried once going in and has great memories from her time there.
Wouldnt work for every child, if she’d been more of a homebody I’d have kept her home until school.

Anyway. Yes some people judge. Lots. Especially some of the staff and other mums. But who cares, do what works for your family

You need to do what is right for you and your family, and if that means sending your child to nursey a few mornings oer week then do it.

Don"t be feeling guilty, you need to do what is right for you too.

It is nothing to do with others.

I wouldn’t want them going to nursery if I stayed at home, but it’s up to you, others will judge you.

its good for their social development surely? And makes the transition to school easier.
plus, they are fucking hard work and a break to do other stuff is a good thing

Nursery won’t only help you out, it’s also great for kids to play with others, learn to socialise and be in a (slightly) more formal setting for a bit without their parents. Nursery is a genuinely positive thing.

Ignore others’ judgement and do it because it’s good for your child AND for you.

Don’t feel guilty, a couple of days at nursery will be great for your child’s development and socialisation. It should also make the transition to primary school easier when the time comes.

God don’t feel guilty! I know that people disagree but honestly I think nursery is good for kids. They learn so much!! And it’s good for you to have a break. It’s my day off today and I dropped my youngest at nursery at 7.30am this morning and will pick her up at 4pm. She will likely cry because that’s an early pick up compared to a work day for me and she will have FOMO about nursery afternoon tea 🤣 Enjoy your break OP!!!

Perhaps we all do judge. I would think it’s pretty unusual for a child not to be in any form of education / group play and learning environment until 7. I would put a child in a nursery for the socialising alone. A lot of the countries where children don’t go to school until 7 also have very high rates of women in the workplace. The children must be cared for somewhere!