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SAHP

A place for stay at home mums and dads to discuss life as a full-time parent.

Original poster

Weird one. Embarrassed to use nursery when I don’t work?

71 replies

BabyLlamaZen · 04/10/2025 19:22

We agreed to put my toddler in nursey two mornings a week so that I get a break in the week. Up until recently Ive been exhausted doing all SAHM duties including with sen child who only recently started doing full time school (his first year was ehcp, school refusal, reduced timetable etc and I was up there multiple times a day). Both kids up and down all night. Weekends is a lot of chores and trying to let DH get some downtime as he commutes 5 days a week. So those nursery mornings are for me to get as many chores done as possible as well as any personal appointments and admin. And I guess Im also starting to try and exercise and have time for ‘me’. They go fast tbh anyway.

But I still feel weird and guilty when I talk to other mums who work and it feels crazy to think I actually use nursery when I dont work. I had one person recently raise her eyebrows at me when I said Im a SAHM and then that I still use nursery. So I felt like I had to sit there and explain all my reasons.

I have a friend in a similar situation to me (and her oldest isnt even sen and can do clubs) and her point was that just because most women have it shit and have no time for theirselves doesnt mean I should feel guilty and make myself suffer more than I need to. And although I agree with her I still feel guilty!

Im meeting up with three mum friends next week - all work full time- and I already feel pathetic about my life and guilty:(

OP posts:
BookwormDadUK · 04/10/2025 20:18

DW is SAHM and we plan to add nursery into the mix soon. It'll be fantastic for DD who is really sociable, and will give DW time to pursue her interests outside of being a mum. Your job is extremely tough - don't feel guilty for using what's at your disposal.

newrubylane · 04/10/2025 20:20

SAHM and my twins did 3 mornings a week at playgroup/preschool for 2 years before they started school. That 12 hours of breathing space save my sanity. They got to mix with their peers and It prepared them for school (as two thirds of their reception class also attended). It was when I got all the other shit done, and meant they had more of my attention when they were home. I don't feel guilty at all about it and notlr should you.

youalright · 04/10/2025 20:23

Nursery isn't just about childcare there are a lot of benefits for the child to

34ransum · 04/10/2025 20:28

I want my child to socialise at nursery

It's healthy not to be together 100% of the time as they get that little bit older

You need time to do things for you- exercise a prime example

I'd not feel guilty at all

Strawberrycheesecake7 · 04/10/2025 20:35

I’m a SAHM and my 2 year old son just started doing afternoons in nursery. It’s funded through Flying Start in our area. It’s been good for him and is helping him start to get ready for school. I probably wouldn’t send him if I had to pay but that’s only because we don’t have a lot of extra money and can’t really afford to be paying for childcare that isn’t strictly needed. I see nothing wrong with paying for it if you do have the money though.

Aparecium · 04/10/2025 20:38

When I was a SAHM of two pre-schoolers, I put them each in nursery for two days per week, overlapping their days so that I had two days with both dc, one day with dc1, one day with dc2 and one day without any dc.

Not the least guilt or anxiety about this. It was wonderful for all of us. We all benefited. The dc loved nursery, and it was wonderful for their social and intellectual development.

When dc1 started school, there was a child in their class who had never gone to nursery. No SN, just a loving, helpful extended family. The child struggled to settle in school and was deeply miserable for far longer than their peers. The child knew how to behave with adults and older children, but had no idea how to behave with their peers.

Pumpkindoodles · 04/10/2025 20:41

I think you need to work on your confidence. There’s no reason to feel you need to explain your decisions about anything to anyone that isn’t directly impacted by them. Or to care what anyone thinks of you.
I say this with kindness but I have literally no idea why you’re giving this headspace.

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 04/10/2025 20:43

Give yourself a break hun. Absolutely nothing wrong with giving yourself a well earned me time.
Enjoy xx

HazelHedgehog · 04/10/2025 20:46

Honestly do not worry at all what other people think, sounds like it works for you so just chill and don't give it another thought.

tillytopthetope · 04/10/2025 20:55

You’ve put your TODDLER in nursery for a break, plus your shattered dealing with all the above NOT your 6 week old baby because you can’t be bothered to look after them and want to smoke weed on the sofa while buying stuff for yourself on QVC and boohoo and planning your next three day bender on the weekend.

dont judge yourself and anyone who does is clearly not a person you need to be surrounding yourself with

NotEnoughKnittingTime · 04/10/2025 22:25

Skybluepinky · 04/10/2025 19:55

Not something I would do, I loved spending time with my children, children thrive in home environments not institutions hence why most countries abroad children don’t go to school until they are 7.
No idea why people need me time, plenty of time for that when kids leave home.
Of course people will judge you, everyone judges everyone you are kidding yourself if you think they don’t.

Every mum needs time to themselves. No need to be a mummy martyr.

WatchingTheDetective · 04/10/2025 23:26

I'd shave that bloody woman's eyebrows off if she raised them at me. Nursery is good for children. It helps socialise them. They make friends and use up a lot of energy there. It gives the parent a break too. If you plans to sit on the sofa and watch trash TV with a bar of chocolate on your lap it's absolutely nothing to do with her.

WatchingTheDetective · 04/10/2025 23:26

Repeated but still true

WatchingTheDetective · 04/10/2025 23:26

.

user593 · 04/10/2025 23:35

I am a SAHM, youngest goes to nursery 2-3 full days a week (and has done since 12 months) and eldest is in reception. I also have a cleaner. I don’t think people really spend much time thinking about my domestic arrangements. Try not to overthink it.

Original poster
BabyLlamaZen · 05/10/2025 17:43

ResusciAnnie · 04/10/2025 19:25

?? That has literally never occurred to me. These things usually come from within - does a part of you judge SAHMs for using childcare?? I was a SAHM for 9 years and all my kids did 2 days nursery. Besides any other reasons, it meant they got a full program of fun (and messy) activities surrounded by friends and qualified practitioners.

Edited

Nope never and it was such a relief to me when I found a friend that used it too. I guess a lot of people tell how hard it is with work and that’s why they use nursery so I feel bad Im sending her when I dont ‘need’ to.

OP posts:
Original poster
BabyLlamaZen · 05/10/2025 17:44

Pumpkindoodles · 04/10/2025 20:41

I think you need to work on your confidence. There’s no reason to feel you need to explain your decisions about anything to anyone that isn’t directly impacted by them. Or to care what anyone thinks of you.
I say this with kindness but I have literally no idea why you’re giving this headspace.

That’s actually really kind of you. Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
BabyLlamaZen · 05/10/2025 17:45

I was actually too scared to open my phone again after posting this. All these comments are so nice and supportive. Thank you so much.

OP posts:
MumoftwoNC · 05/10/2025 17:53

Two mornings a week is barely anything - make sure you reserve time in that to have a break, not just do more household stuff. No judgement at all from me.

However, I do slightly judge a SAHM I know who put her toddler into nursery 5dpw over the summer holidays because her two older ones are too much for her to handle when they're off school. In term time the toddler is at nursery 2dpw, the older ones are at school, and she has a cleaner doing over 10h a week. No wonder she has time for yoga...!

So, I'm both judgemental and envious I suppose (of her, not op).

ARichtGoodDram · 05/10/2025 17:58

I'm SAHP. The four left at home are DS15, DD12, DD11 and DN3.

DD11 is at a SEN school and has a lot of appointments. DN goes to nursery 3 days a week and we have a cleaner twice a week.

When my eldest two were tiny I was a single parent who sometimes had to make the "heat or eat?" choice. Now with the younger kids I happen to have the money to make life nicer for me (which makes me a better parent, rather than the one scraping by on a few hours sleep as I was with my eldest two) so I do and I make no apologies for it. Nor should you.

PurpleThistle7 · 05/10/2025 18:02

How you and your family work is only up to you and your family. You have the same rights to pay for a service as anyone else and I wouldn’t judge it. In fact it probably wouldn’t even occur to me to think about.

NotEnoughKnittingTime · 05/10/2025 18:14

BabyLlamaZen · 05/10/2025 17:43

Nope never and it was such a relief to me when I found a friend that used it too. I guess a lot of people tell how hard it is with work and that’s why they use nursery so I feel bad Im sending her when I dont ‘need’ to.

Show quote history

I have a three year old with suspected autism. I find work easier! Send them and enjoy the break. I get a nice coffee that I can enjoy without him jumping on my head!

FirstdatesFred · 05/10/2025 18:27

I don't think it's a big deal at all. They get to an age where they benefit from the socialisation aspect.

BreakfastOfChampignons · 05/10/2025 18:35

children thrive in home environments not institutions

It's a children's nursery, not Guantanamo Bay

bigwhitedog · 05/10/2025 18:47

You deserve a break as much as anyone else does, and it'll be good for DC.

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