Does anyone else struggle with their Husband’s working hours?

[helloRed]

My Husband works really hard and he is doing very well in his Job. He is high up and makes a very good wage, but the hours are becoming ridiculous and i’m starting to feel quite lonely. I am currently a stay at home Mum to our 2 children. We also have 2 dogs (crazy house). I manage all of the household and childcare responsibilities while my Husband is at work.
He works from home in his office 3 times a week and goes into his actual office twice a week. His hours are meant to be 9-6, with an earlier finish on Fridays.

The problem is 90% of the time now he is finishing late. When he is at home, he can be working until 10pm, sometimes it’s even been as late as 1am! And when he is in the actual office, he comes home around 6.30- 7pm, but he hops back onto his laptop because he has more work to do, and proceeds to work for the majority of the evening. He also occasionally starts work early and has work to do on the weekends!

I am starting to become really frustrated, as not only is that extra support not there for the kids and house (the kids are in bed or just about to go to bed, by the time he gets home - meaning no help with dinner, bath time and bed time routines, which I find manic! And don’t forget fitting in a dog walk too!) but our evenings as a couple are becoming affected as well. Most nights I am sitting watching tv by myself (with him next to me, but he’s on his laptop working, so he’s not really watching it with me). Or pointlessly scrolling through my phone. Or I become so bored, that I take myself to bed early.

I am feeling really deflated by it and I have tried to explain to him how I am feeling, but he can never see where I am coming from and just sees it as an attack on him. He is also massively in denial about the amount of hours he is putting in. I have always said to him, that I would rather him make less money and actually be home with the family, than have this brilliant job that brings in lots of money, but he is never properly around.

I don’t know what to do! I feel really isolated and stressed because all of the household and childcare responsibilities fall down to me and I feel so distant from him, because we aren’t getting that time together as a couple, and when we do, I feel grumpy and resentful. It’s affecting our sex life as well, as I’m just not in the mood most of the time, because I feel so distant from him. I love him to pieces and I want us to have a happy and healthy marriage, but I am really worried that if this carries on, we will just grow more distant from each other. Help please?

Yes I can why going back to work is going to just end up being MORE work and stress. Can you suggest nanny or nursery one day a week so you can get some rest and do some hobbies? Are suggest some evenings off together and go for dinner once in a while? I know it can feel so lonely and hard at times when your husband works so much. And perhaps when kids are a bit older you can study and retrain in something you really enjoy. it will get better! x

I am sahm and I know that getting a job would make my life ten times more stressful. I’ve done job with toddler and it almost killed me

Can he agree to you going out together to do something of an evening which has a start time, like going to the theatre or meeting friends for a meal and get a babysitter. That would give him a deadline to finish work and you some time together as adults.

Alternatively can you get a regular night out each week which means he has to be available to put the kids to bed and you don't get stuck at home.

He may be more receptive to smaller changes than a seismic shift.

I think there can be a tendency to push work on here as a bit of a catch all solution. I noticed it a few years ago when I was finding days with my then-toddler really hard. It’s always - go back to work; you already work, then work more.

I do think there are lots of positives to working but as much as work can give you things like a sense of identity and purpose, it can also take that away (you become ‘the teacher/nurse/chef) as much as it can alleviate stress it can cause it and although there are financial benefits this isn’t an advantage if it means the family as a whole it down because of childcare costs or having to adjust the other parents income.

If your husband works office hours and you work evenings weekends and bank holidays, you don’t need childcare, he can do it

This. Op have a word with your husband and work out how he can make his hours work better for your family. Is it really worth him investing all this time in work? Hours seem a bit much. All those saying “just get a job” are missing the point.

Definitely, he’s retired.

we didnt have kids but we both has big jobs and my husabnd refused to let us get nay help in at all to ease the load. I mean to the extent we couldn't have a window cleaner or a decorator or a cleaner. I ended up in psychosis and lost every single thign I worked for

what does this mean?

It’s a joke . He’s here all of the time driving me mad.