Does anyone else struggle with their Husband’s working hours?

[helloRed]

My Husband works really hard and he is doing very well in his Job. He is high up and makes a very good wage, but the hours are becoming ridiculous and i’m starting to feel quite lonely. I am currently a stay at home Mum to our 2 children. We also have 2 dogs (crazy house). I manage all of the household and childcare responsibilities while my Husband is at work.
He works from home in his office 3 times a week and goes into his actual office twice a week. His hours are meant to be 9-6, with an earlier finish on Fridays.

The problem is 90% of the time now he is finishing late. When he is at home, he can be working until 10pm, sometimes it’s even been as late as 1am! And when he is in the actual office, he comes home around 6.30- 7pm, but he hops back onto his laptop because he has more work to do, and proceeds to work for the majority of the evening. He also occasionally starts work early and has work to do on the weekends!

I am starting to become really frustrated, as not only is that extra support not there for the kids and house (the kids are in bed or just about to go to bed, by the time he gets home - meaning no help with dinner, bath time and bed time routines, which I find manic! And don’t forget fitting in a dog walk too!) but our evenings as a couple are becoming affected as well. Most nights I am sitting watching tv by myself (with him next to me, but he’s on his laptop working, so he’s not really watching it with me). Or pointlessly scrolling through my phone. Or I become so bored, that I take myself to bed early.

I am feeling really deflated by it and I have tried to explain to him how I am feeling, but he can never see where I am coming from and just sees it as an attack on him. He is also massively in denial about the amount of hours he is putting in. I have always said to him, that I would rather him make less money and actually be home with the family, than have this brilliant job that brings in lots of money, but he is never properly around.

I don’t know what to do! I feel really isolated and stressed because all of the household and childcare responsibilities fall down to me and I feel so distant from him, because we aren’t getting that time together as a couple, and when we do, I feel grumpy and resentful. It’s affecting our sex life as well, as I’m just not in the mood most of the time, because I feel so distant from him. I love him to pieces and I want us to have a happy and healthy marriage, but I am really worried that if this carries on, we will just grow more distant from each other. Help please?

I am in a similar position but I have a job! It isn’t a magic bullet; not sure why it’s being presented as one to be honest. Just an added complication.

He absolutely adores the kids…..when he is around! But yea unfortunately I think he does put work first. Which I do understand to a point, as he is supporting all of us, however he still needs that work life balance.

i love him to pieces and when we do get time together, it’s lovely! He pays me a certain amount each month. And if ever I am short or need extra, he never has any issues at all. That side of things he is very supportive.

Exactly! Yes I would have more of a social life (maybe) and I would be getting out of the house more…..but everything else would stay the same. It would still all be down to me when I came home, and I would still be lonely in the evenings.

He gets to check out of family life because he knows that OP is picking up the slack, if she was in work he wouldn’t have that option…

A lot of the time it isn’t an option anyway.

My DH works away a lot. When he doesn’t work away, he is at work 7-7 (including commute.) Nursery and school aren’t open then and even if they were it’s clearly too long a day. So - I have to do it. There isn’t anyone else.

This year I dropped a day from three days a week to two because it was exhausting working and doing all the family stuff too. So far it’s a lot easier. So I don’t think the OP getting a job is the magic solution.

We were in this position so my husband switched job to one with a lower salary but significantly fewer hours. It meant he spent the kids’ childhoods being around for them/us.

Highly recommended. And actually, now the children are older he has more time for his hobby, so it’s a win win all round. Money isn’t everything.

does he like his job?

It doesn’t sound like he is going to change willingly so you can either put up with it or give him an ultimatum; tell him you don’t want this to be your life, you need more form him and if something doesn’t change you will leave.

is it bad enough to leave?

Out of interest did he do it because you insisted or was he the one who wanted to be home more?

When does he expect you to relax and do your own thing, out of interest? He sounds like he couldn't give a shit about spending time with the family to be honest, so I would say his work hours are less of an issue than his attitude that should not have to contribute anything other than money to your relationship or being a parent.

YOU have to have a plan for your career OP. Perhaps you could study part time for a few years when your child starts nursery? Then you can get a job when they start school? His main responsibility is to provide the finances because that is what you as a couple have decided - he’s prob subconsciously going the extra mile at work because there’s a lot riding on his job. You have to be empathetic to this. But if you make a plan to get back to work in a job you are happy with and earning what is needed for the family, then perhaps he can cut back his job responsibilities and things can be more equal in a few years. the small kid years go fast, so this feeling can be temporary if you make a plan to go back to work. Otherwise it can become a permanent feeling of resentment.

I doubt the OP getting a job will help. He won’t be picking up the kids from nursery and the OP will then have both a job and all the house work.

I think if he really is a high earner then you need more cleaning or babysitting support, and if he isn’t such a high earner that he can afford extra help then should be cutting the hours.

I would love it if my husband could do that. I honestly think he is a workaholic! The higher he goes, he just wants to keep going! It’s great to be ambitious, but surely he feels he is missing out! And then he is burnt out when he does actually have free time. Money definitely isn’t everything. If it meant I had to work again, but it also
meant we were both home and present in the evenings and weekends, then I absolutely would be happy to!

I don’t want to leave and I’m not considering it. However I am worried that if things carry on, then something like that will happen! Or to be honest, he would probably leave me because I am ‘grumpy’ all of the time.

That’s what I want to do. My son has a nursery placement next year. And I want to use those days to study for something I will enjoy. My daughter is already in school. Hopefully things will get better then, but I worry it won’t, as he is a workaholic!

Hi, fellow SAHM here! I’m wondering what you mean by high earner in this context? Are we talking Sales / Marketing director on 130-150k including bonus, then minus big pension which is a lot but not LOADS. Or, are we talking partner in a law firm or investment banker on 200/300k..

Also, is there full financial transparency? Do you know savings amounts / pensions/ mortgage etc? You say you get an allowance (which always makes me nervous as it makes it sound like he’s paying you and keeping everything secret / to himself)?

I think the numbers in and out change the outcome significantly, if he’s a mega high earner this would mean you could get a nanny if you go back to work. If you have financial transparency and control over decisions this would probably make you feel less isolated too. (I manage all our finances, if anything, he’s the one getting an allowance!!) (also, remind him that when you start earning the lowest 12k will be tax free, the next 20% etc, he’ll be paying a huge amount of tax and it makes sense for you to start earning to use your allowances). Also, if he’s feeling the financial pressure, and you don’t have a lot of savings and big outgoings, have a look into redundancy insurance

This sounds really tough but I earn about 5x more than my husband so just to provide another perspective, it can be really tough as the breadwinner, it’s huge pressure and at that level it’s not simply a case of work a bit less for a bit less pay, the responsibility is immense. I find it hard when my husband criticises me for working so hard, I’m doing it for our family and not just for fun!

Do you have weekend evenings together, I know you mentioned he works sometimes at the weekend but could you plan family time and couple time then as a starting point?

When my DC were younger my DH worked mega hours and I did everything in the home but we kept weekends for fun stuff so it worked out ok.

He wants you to stay at home to enable his lifestyle. His priority is work. He excuses this by being the sole earner and therefore has ‘no choice’ but to work to ‘provide’. He’s got it good, working, taking to other adults, no dealing with bed time and dinner, he’s not stupid clearly. If you’re happy being used in this way then carry on, or get a job, bring in some money so he doesn’t have to work as much and make sure you’re building you’re own money, pension and savings. But you won’t, so many women on here get themselves into this position and, despite good advice, don’t act to change anything. You’re already saying that a job wouldn’t help so you’re stuck with how things are and a husband who uses you.

hmmm it’s tough - I guess you just have to try and make him see that you are unhappy and that you need more from him. Some people (usually Men, it has to be said) let their jobs define them. Their self esteem is so wrapped up in their ‘success’ that they can’t take a break for a second to see what it’s doing to everyone around them. If he’s not careful he’ll end up with kids who don’t know him and a wife who resents him.

I’ve just shut my laptop at 10pm and am not on that much over the national average wage, so I do have some sympathy with your h. But I don’t have small children. The people I know who do biggish jobs and also play their part in family life take agreed chunks of time in the late pm/early evening and then if they must, go back to work after. They also carve out either the whole weekend or at least most of it (eg a chunk of work time on Sunday night after the kids are asleep, meaning that Saturday night can be a proper date night).

I think it needs to be a serious ongoing conversation - with whatever it takes to actually get him to listen (go to the pub?) Is this what he thought family life would be like? How do other people he knows do it? What would it look like if he genuinely prioritised your relationship and his own relationship with the children? Also involve him in discussions about your professional future.

I wasn’t thrilled being at home with small children for 12 hours a day, but he was fed up and tired and felt he was missing out. He realised the extra money didn’t compensate for lost time. His own dad was fairly absent through work, and he didn’t want our kids to remember their childhood like that.

OP- I don't know what your DH does, but just to say im currently the sole earner in the family and I can't begin to describe how hard it is. The pressure is overwhelming, the working world is really tough at the moment, the threat of job cuts is constant even at more senior levels, and the pressure to perform is immense. It's taking a real toll on me. So if DH started complaining that I wasn't present enough at home it might just be the final straw.

Unless he’s earning at least 500k and able to retire very early, your situation is ridiculous.

Career development to decent salaries up to c250k should allow more flexibility and fewer hours. If it doesn’t then your DH is making excuses to not be part of family life.

Unless he’s earning at least 500k and able to retire very early, your situation is ridiculous.

Ha, these people never retire very early though. They are wedded to their jobs. That’s how they got there. They keep working, even with millions in the bank. Sometimes they “retire” to a passion project that takes up just as much time as their previous long hours career.

I agree that can often be a huge issue. The way people react when they are way past needing any money they are earning is always interesting to see.

The business I work for has a near 80 year old with a net worth of way in excess of £100m who still works what feels like 24/7 and travels the world on business. He’ll drop dead at work one day. I just don’t see the point. I’ve always looked at my career as a means to an end not as my purpose in life.