Quitting job because I want to be a better parent

[sahra1234]

Hi all, I would like some advice from this community as I feel like I am close to quitting my job. I have a great, hard to get profession in the best company in the field, and I have a toddler. Husband and I are from two different countries and also live in a third country where neither of us speaks the language and we have no family that can visit us. We can survive off his income easily and I have savings and some rental income in my name. I am also going through months of IVF and feel like I just cannot cope anymore, especially with all the medical appointments taking me away from work constantly. I am not pulling my weight at work, and getting snappy with my child. We are not eating and sleeping as well as we could and NEVER get time together as a couple. Literally never. If the IVF does not work then this will be my only child and I don’t want to waste any more time looking at my phone and sending him to daycare and Nannies when he is much much happier and less tired when he is with me. My question is this: when I look at Reddit etc forums, most women seem to advise others to stay in their jobs, to cut their hours, to go part time. To hold in there for the long-run and not to ‘miss out’. But rarely to quit. Nobody really talks about the fact their kids actually need them. I breastfed for two years and still co-sleep with toddler so some may say I’m a bit too ‘attached’. We have a fantastic daycare but I am very uncomfortable with the idea of an unqualified random nanny caring for my child. I built a lot of my identity around my job and it is incredibly hard to quit. It also pays fairly well. Did anyone have this sort of dilemma before you stepped away from work? So many women around me in high profile jobs make it work, so I feel like a failure that I cannot both parent and work to high standards. Thank you.

This does sound like a difficult situation and i can see where you're coming from. Is it possible to go part time, or look for a job that is? Even just 2 days a week. Or you and your partner both go part time/condensed hours to remove need for childcare. Reason people advise women to keep working even if part time - building a pension, keeping your skills and CV up to date so if your relationship breaks down (which sadly can happen even if you're super happy now) you can afford to keep a roof over your head. In this economy taking even a few years out of work you could find it hard to return to the workforce.

Moat people advise against it as it puts you in a very precarious situation down the line - no income, dependent on DH, less identity
Most men are great but you never know. 5 years down the line they can change and you're fucked, no bargaining power, no pension

I would look at ways of moving to either of your support networks countries long term
Or go part time instead rather than a full drop down.
Obviously your kids need you but it's a very brief period whilst they're tiny and working doesn't affect their attachment to you or others. There's no one like mummy but that doesn't mean they can't be happy anywhere else!
Perhaps you could look into moving the toddler into a grown up bed and reclaiming a bit of time for yourself, set yourself up for the next one too. Fingers crossed for you xx
Also most nannies are qualified, if you're concerned about that then go for an older woman childminder with lots of experience. A lovely home from home experience

Your dc aren't little for long so yes, go part time and enjoy it but understand that by totally quitting you will be at a loss once they go to school and don't need you as much. You may find it hard to find another job in your field if you love it and find fulfilment in it.
Otherwise perhaps you could do further study and retrain into something lower paid but more flexible hours and fulfilling. A better compromise

I got made redundant after I had dc1, it was tricky and my relationship with dh did get strained in some ways as we were both feeling the effects of less money and tightening our belt.. he also got a bit lazy and used to me doing the housework and cooking rather than the equal set up we had before.. Just being at home more creates more mess. I did enjoy staying at home, but I felt the loss of identity and was a bit lonely.. I enjoyed mat leave and my balance more when I had dc2 and had a job working just 2 days. I didn't have a huge career though

No. I don’t really find it that difficult but 1. I say no to a lot of stuff at work and am still a highly regarded, highly paid woman in an office where I was informed “we don’t have many mothers on the team because of how demanding it is.” Puurrlleeassee. Work smart, not hard. 2. There are plenty of really great, extremely loving Nannies. My DC have one, DH had several, I had one. Don’t kill yourself at work, no one is really paying attention.

As well as pension and financial stability, I would stay in work to keep your skillset up to date as it can be hard getting back to into work.

My personal memory is that I don’t remember much of being that young at all, what I remember is how my parents chose to support/not support me as I got older and that is what has had the most impact on me.

Plus, all I hear about now is how young adults can’t afford to go to uni, can’t afford to move out, let alone buy a house etc. So I think it’s important to work now and earn money also for the financial stability of my kids.

Why do you live in a country when you don’t speak the language?

Ah, yes it’s a little confusing! We have ‘expat’ style international type jobs. I’m trying to learn the language!

Good perspective. I think my ability to work smart got lost in my frazzled state. But you are right, this is a skill to develop

Sounds like you want to quit, op

There's no one way to raise a child imo, its what works best for the mum and baby. Some women prefer to work and make the best mums, but for others, they just want to be home with the baby.

If you want to stay at home, definitely do it! Especially as youre doing ivf and feeling exhausted and missing your son

Work is just that. You can find another job down the line, and I dont think you will regret this time with your boy ❤️

Hiya. I have 2 kids. I quit my FT job of nearly 9 years whilst also managing my younger child while WFH. The stress got so much and I just couldn't cope anymore.

I took a break with a view to be out of the market for maybe a year, but hubby got made redundant so I went back after 4 months. Tbh by then i was bored and itching to get back so timing worked out.

Landed a part time role which now suits the balance much better. Work is easier, and I'm happier. Yes, pay is lower than where I was but overall the family is more well managed, kids are happy and so is hubby.

For now just take a break. Take as long as you need to feel yourself again. You yourself will know in a few months if you need a long term break or want to go back to the labour market.

Hope that helps a little bit

Experienced similar and did leave my job. I think I am a much better parent without also having to carry the stress of work. It’ll be an unpopular opinion on mn but that’s my truth.
I know another woman who was in the police and left her job because she couldn’t cope and felt it was too much to carry at once. She has no regrets. You only get one life - live if for yourself. Xx

Not the quite the same but my partner and I were in burn out a couple of years ago both working full time in demanding careers with two children under 5. No local support system so every nursery call sent us both into panic zone.

my partner actually quit as we decided it doesn’t work having two parents working full time and I know so many families where one of the couple has had to move to part time or a less stressful role

Take a few years out. I had a huge job - corporate law international travel zero option for part time or scaling back. Also I didn’t love it.

Never went back after mat leave. Honestly loved my 7 years out. Did side hustle and earned £10k Pa but was sahm and focused on dds. Dh earned enough for us to live well on albeit not lavishly.

Am sceptical of the “step out you are doomed “ crowd. I started a small business using my skills from my job when youngest started school and now out earn Dh. All the professional women I know that took a few years out to sahm are back in their careers. We are appealing to employers - calm experienced old but not too old and unlikely to take mat leave.

Thanks, this is the type of situation we are in. I can’t scale back, can’t switch off, need to have my mind focussed. It’s just not happening with the IVF fug, the miscarriages and the lack of family. I do also feel I’ll be more attractive to employers once my hormone days are behind me and can put my all back into work.

I was in a similar position to you in the 1990s but without children. Working abroad with DH, both in high pressure jobs in a country where we didn’t speak the language. DH and I weren’t seeing enough of each other and I wasn’t loving my role so I decided to resign and I spent time doing voluntary work related to my future career plans and improved my language skills. It was the best thing I ever did.

However, I knew that the role I was giving up wasn’t a job I wanted to do forever and that I would be changing career at some point in the future.

Another important detail is that the country we were living in was a fairly difficult, high pressure place to live and work (Russia) so it significantly improved our daily lives (and our relationship) to have less stress.

I’m sure some people thought I was crazy (including my employer!) and I suppose it could have backfired for me financially if our relationship hadn’t worked. Looking back now, it was definitely the right thing for us, but I can also see all the ways it could have gone wrong.

I went down to 2 days a week. Now my children are both at school, I feel this was the best decision as I still have my career. I’m still only part time but have that to balance the week.

Hi OP,

I happily resigned from my previous career almost 7 years ago to become a SAHM, it was always my dream since I was a child.

I have never regretted it for a second. It has been the most rewarding and fulfilling thing I’ve ever done, and I’ve done plenty of things in my life to compare it to.

Some of the advantages for my relationship with my children and my marriage are:

• I’ve never experienced any stressful or conflicted feelings when my children were unwell with needing to phone in sick to work etc. My focus and attention have been on my children guilt-free.
• I was able to breastfeed exclusively for 10 months for each child, and wasn’t under any pressure to pump or have a set deadline to end this. I was able to see how we felt and work out what felt like a good stopping point for us without any external pressures.
• I had the flexibility to plan a fun and varied week before they started school. I could pick toddler groups on whichever morning, swim when suited us, etc.
• I was able to establish and implement consistent nap schedules until they dropped them, which meant our whole household benefitted from minimal disruption sleep-wise during the night.
• Potty training was consistent, quick and easy.
• DH works hard to clear his paid work during the day, I work hard to clear housework/admin. This means that from 7.30pm every evening our time is our own, and our weekends are largely our own. We watch things together, play games and talk properly in the evening. We pop out separately to socialise and we have regular date nights together. We both have more energy in the evenings and at weekends because we are not both both trying to work and run a house.
• I feel really involved at my children’s school. I have time to volunteer there and support the school as a governor. I listen to children read and help on trips. I have got to know both the staff and the other parents really well, and I value this sense of community and belonging a great deal.

Best of luck with your decision, and I hope you get the opportunity to experience living this beautiful way of life. Definitely do what’s best for you and your family ☺️💐

I do also feel I’ll be more attractive to employers once my hormone days are behind me and can put my all back into work.

You won’t be able to put your all back into work until your children are grown up. You have to accept you’ll need to learn to juggle if you want to do both and that ok is good enough.

Make your peace with that and you can have children and a fulfilling career; it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. Contrary to other posters I’d hang in there for now, see if you can go part time or adjust your hours to get a better balance and see if that makes matters better.

Why is this always a woman's dilemma? I never see posts like this from men.

Hand in your notice if you can afford to live on DH’s salary for a few years and if your marriage is strong. You only live once. Enjoy your child!

This is something I have always thought and grappled with right after the birth. I was lucky that my husband actually quit his job for the first six months to be there for us. I was also raised by a stay at home dad. Something about having a kid however has tempered my view: biology does have a point. Only I could breastfeed and only I can do the IVF. It’s one of the issues that has confounded my brain as I became a parent and made me re-think a lot about my previous views on how women are viewed by society today. My working position will definitely change as the child(ren) gets older and requires less of my actual body and attention.

Sounds like you’re going through a lot.

I would continue working, given your and DC’s age. I felt similarly. For me, the risks of being financially dependent on my H and out of the labour market - then getting back in later - outweighed the difficulties of working and exhaustion and fertility struggles with small DC.

In your situation there are more risks with not working due to your living in a third country.

i worked part time for a few years. Damaged my career but not as much as stopping likely would have. I don’t personally know many (any) women (UK, London) who had well paid jobs then SAH for a few years and returned to anything like their previous pay and seniority. Some must do, but it’s hard.

Also, men get to be parents AND maintain their earning ability. Often they don’t fairly share the weekday parenting.

I have personally found parenting teens much more challenging and time consuming than the preschool and primary years.

It does sounds tough. Most people work part time / have family help etc.
One thing I would flag up. What happens if dh decides to leave you in a couple of years time? It may be hard to leave the country if you child is settled there and your dh doesn't want to leave. You need a way of supporting yourself in this situation. Therefore I would recommend dropping down to part time rather than quitting. Also, if you dont want an unqualified nanny, get a qualified one.

I was in a similar position OP but without the stress of being in a different country or IVF (I can’t even imagine how stressful that must be). I was a litigation solicitor and after struggling with PND following my pandemic mat leave, and coming back to work in the second lockdown solely wfh with no support, I quit after 18 months of feeling like I wasn’t the employee or parent or wife or wanted to be (but the latter two were the most important). I did try the part-time, compressed hours thing but in all honesty I found it so stressful and all consuming that my days off were being ruined by the constant panic over what was coming into my inbox and how awful the following days would be. My baby then toddler wasn’t getting the best of me when I was distracted during our time together, stressed to the point of tears regularly and rushing bedtime and becoming frustrated when she wouldn’t go to sleep as I had to rush back to the laptop. Our friends were all having their second babies and I honestly couldn’t keep my head above water with just us as it was. It came to a head with my mental health and I found a role in a similar field but no longer practising law and I quit to work 3 days a week (still wfh).

In some ways I haven’t looked back as I don’t ever want to feel that stressed/unwell about work again (when in the grand scheme of things, does it really matter?) and on reflection I’ve realised that my career was sadly not at all suited to my personality (wish I’d have realised that 10 years sooner and done something else). BUT I do miss the much higher salary, feeling like I’m making an equal (or more) contribution to the household financially, the much better maternity policy (where I am now is awful), I do worry about the impact of being out of the actual profession if I ever wanted to return (unlikely). I miss being intellectually challenged at work and bad as it sounds, I miss the status of my old role as I was respected and able to make a proper contribution and bring change. I now work in an organisation which is poorly managed and badly run and there’s basically nothing I can do about it being at the bottom as I’ve had to start again doing something different. It feels like shouting into the void a lot of the time! Filling 5 days of childcare with interesting activities sometimes was challenging with a defiant toddler and working longer days around school wraparound makes me feel guilty sometimes as a working mum, but on the whole the balance is so much better for me. In time I’m hopeful I’ll find something I’m much better suited to but I’m enjoying having much better mental health and happy times with my children whilst they’re tiny. We can’t really afford for me to be a SAHM but if it’s an option for you and it’s what you want I’d seriously consider it.

Yes this. I have worked in a range of working patterns since my eldest was 10mo. Sometimes I daydreamed about stopping entirely, but its only now with DC in early teen and pre teen years that I've seriously considered it. A combination of the emotional and mental work involved now, and probably me coming into perimenopause which means I find it harder to cope emotionally anyway. I remember years ago and older parent telling me - when kids are young they need loving and consistent carers, mum, dad, Nanny, grandparent - all are good. But teens really need the input of their parents for all the things they need support and advice around. And I feel that to do that well I need more mental space than I did when they were young.

As a pp said you don't suddenly find you can give your all to work at age 5/6/7 and that's it. You need to find a way to balance it all on every stage. That may include breaks from work, especially as you go through other things like IVF. But my thought in your situation would be what happens to your social support network if you stop your work in an expat situation, especially if you are still learning the language. How will you socialise, find community etc? Maybe consider a limited period off. Would your work agree to a period of unpaid or sick leave, for example?