Quitting job because I want to be a better parent

[sahra1234]

Hi all, I would like some advice from this community as I feel like I am close to quitting my job. I have a great, hard to get profession in the best company in the field, and I have a toddler. Husband and I are from two different countries and also live in a third country where neither of us speaks the language and we have no family that can visit us. We can survive off his income easily and I have savings and some rental income in my name. I am also going through months of IVF and feel like I just cannot cope anymore, especially with all the medical appointments taking me away from work constantly. I am not pulling my weight at work, and getting snappy with my child. We are not eating and sleeping as well as we could and NEVER get time together as a couple. Literally never. If the IVF does not work then this will be my only child and I don’t want to waste any more time looking at my phone and sending him to daycare and Nannies when he is much much happier and less tired when he is with me. My question is this: when I look at Reddit etc forums, most women seem to advise others to stay in their jobs, to cut their hours, to go part time. To hold in there for the long-run and not to ‘miss out’. But rarely to quit. Nobody really talks about the fact their kids actually need them. I breastfed for two years and still co-sleep with toddler so some may say I’m a bit too ‘attached’. We have a fantastic daycare but I am very uncomfortable with the idea of an unqualified random nanny caring for my child. I built a lot of my identity around my job and it is incredibly hard to quit. It also pays fairly well. Did anyone have this sort of dilemma before you stepped away from work? So many women around me in high profile jobs make it work, so I feel like a failure that I cannot both parent and work to high standards. Thank you.

Dh is very senior in his corporate legal work but my legal work is in the community so am more known locally - Dh was non plussed to be introduced at a street party by our elderly neighbour as “the solicitors husband” which cracked me up!

My now late teens reminisce about our chilled summers swimming and hanging out. I know trying to work and parent would have stressed me out. Great if you can manage it well done you but I couldn’t. And the righteous “why can’t Dh do it”. Well I wanted to. I loved those 7 years and wouldn’t have changed a thing. It was no sacrifice. And now they are teens am earning well again. Sounds trite but believe me you do not get those years back (feeling nostalgic gcse results day today)

Stay with your child - you’ll never get these years back - it’s an investment. If you need some reassurance read ‘Being There’ by Erica Komisar. It tells you all you need to know about being there for the first three years of your child’s life and all evidence based research. You can take a career pause and return later maybe.

I had a much desired career (very glamorous and hard to get into, didn’t pay great).
I went back for a year after maternity leave and couldn’t excel at both. Quit my job which I think people think I’m mad to have done but I’ve now just had DC3 and completely cherish the couple of years I’ve had with our children so far. It’s been everything I’ve ever wanted

I also have a busy job (corporate law). Currently pregnant with my IVF baby (after a lot of tries!!) and my plan is to leave once baby is here. Maybe it's possible to coast in some jobs like another poster said, but in law, with billable hours, it's really difficult to without committing fraud.

I do get all the arguments about being financially reliant on your husband etc.. but I've already had a career for quite awhile, have built up a good amount of savings and pensions, and we have always treated our money as one pot such that even when I'm not working (I've taken some time out before), i still grow my savings with my husband's income. So for us, the financial aspect is less relevant.

There's no right or wrong way to do it, but for me, I just want to spend as much time with my kid in the first few years before he starts school. I know myself and I can't be the best mother I can be if I'm also working because my job consumes me and I'm exhausted by the end of the day. I'm very much looking forward to having days out and little trips with my little man once he's here. I'm sure the career will work itself out when the time comes.

Obviously in the early years there is the biological imbalance, e.g. breastfeeding, but even later on, in my experience it is always the woman who has the dilemma because she is the one who WANTS to be at home with the children. My DH loves our kids and did actually spend several years working part-time to look after them while I worked, but he did that because it was the most practical option rather than because he had an urge to be at home. Now he's back working full-time he doesn't feel conflicted or guilty at all about being away from them. I see this pattern repeated in almost every couple I know and if you look at surveys of what men and women want, they all show that mothers want to be looking after kids much more than men do. In my opinion, a feminist society would allow women a genuine choice between work or family or both, not funnel them into full-time work even if that's actually not what they want.

So don't feel bad for wanting to be at home with your kid. It is entirely natural to feel that way. What's unfortunate for you is that you don't have a job that is in any way flexible. The job expects you to work like a man, which most of the time you can do, but right now you can't. I am fortunately in a company that understands that there are times when people need flexibility - particularly women who are trying to conceive, or who are pregnant, breastfeeding, have small kids. Women have always worked in one way or another, but flexibility has always been a really important part of that (for example, where I live there was a strong cottage weaving industry - women had looms at home and worked around their children).

So basically, you need to take a break or find a more flexible job. Taking a break is particularly risky for you because you are not in your home country (so risk getting struck there with no job). If your marriage is solid, I would consider taking some time out, maybe even just a year or two.

I was in this position too. I was also so career focussed but being a mother is the most important job I’ll ever do and I really wanted to put my focus there. I didn’t quit my job, I couldn’t do it as I’d worked so hard to get there I couldn’t give it up. I’m so grateful though that my employer really wanted to make me happy so allowed me to switch roles with my deputy and go part time two days a week. I found this gave me balance at home but allowed me to keep that identity as me as well. Had I have had a run of the mill job that I could have easily got back into, I would have absolutely been a SAHM.

bow my youngest has started school and I’m grateful I remained working. I don’t intend to increase my hours and am enjoying more time for myself; going to the gym, leisurely doing the housework and meal prep and seeing friends.