SAHMs...tell me everything!

[GLC789]

Currently on maternity. Considering not going back to my career. It was a good one, worked hard, management level, well respected etc. Blowing my trumpet but, I'm proud of what I built over 16 years in the company.

DH is able to support our household with zero rejigging of budgets or tightening belts. I have a healthy nest egg of savings which he absolutely does not want me to dip into, ever. I love him mind 😍

Enough back story.

1 child. My little darling. I just love being with her and have never spent more than an hour away from her. Hence, flirting with SAHM life.

Tell me about your days:

Do you get bored?
If their in school now, what do you get done your 6 hours?
Do you wish you'd gone back to work?
Do you feel fulfilled with the hard work every day?

I hope this doesn't come across as ignorant, I honestly want the good bad and the ugly experiences.

I loved being with mine so much I home educate them (all 5). I find the day so fulfilling; reading to them - books that I enjoy as much as they do. I ferment vegetables and make sourdough and cook from scratch and find nourishing them very rewarding. We garden together and always find new and exciting projects to do together. They’re amazing company. I have a dream life

I was always going to be a SAHP, but turned out my child has severe special needs so I’d have to be anyway. I try structure days as much as I can but it’s very hard and very isolating. Although obviously I never really thought my child would be disabled, we make the best of being together every day and I believe I can care for my child (disability or not) better than anyone else can, of course.
Obviously it’s important to still get socialisation for them (and you). Best of luck whatever you decide.

How long have you been on maternity leave?

I loved it for 6m but by 9m I had lost all my confidence and really needed to go back to work. So my advice would be don't make any rash decisions, you don't need to hand your notice in until the end of your leave.

This sounds like a dream wow 😮 your children are very lucky to have you x

Honestly, I wouldn't recommend it. I think it makes you very financially vulnerable. In my case, i quickly deskilled. My qualifications and knowledge are no longer relevant or up to date. I've lost confidence. My brain has gone to mush. I'm practically unemployable and will go back to work on minimum wage.

From a family perspective have very little personal/ alone time. I'm not appreciated and no one really notices what i do all day. My days are long and the workload is never done. I've done all the waking nights (the youngest woke several times a night, hourly at her worst) till 4 years old. I do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, admin, appointments ect.

I wish I'd continued to work part-time. I'd kept some financial independence and kept my hand in. It would have given me time to be myself rather than mum. I would have got some validation from somewhere. Someone telling me I was doing a good job.

If you decide to become a SAHP make sure discuss everything first. What are your H's expectations? How are your finances going to be split? Will he be paying into your private pension every month? How will parenting be split on his non working hours? When will you get personal time/ a lay in/ days out? How will household chores be distributed?

Sorry, I don't meam to be a negative Nellie.

I was a SAHM for almost a decade. It was hard (my children have SEN), but I was very happy too. I don’t see I’ll ever have a career again now though. I do a low paid job that fits around my children. Friends who returned to work much sooner are earning well, with a life to match. I don’t think I would choose differently if I had my time again though. Yes, I’m not as well off, but all the time with my children has been worth the sacrifice.

I loved it and have no regrets at all. Just be sure you could get back into the workforce if your marriage didn't work out. I know we all think it won't happen but you can see on these boards it can take people by surprise.

I loved being with my children and never got bored. I didn't have time to be bored. We did lots of things together and I did lots of things like cooking everything from scratch, raising a garden, keeping chickens, lots of fun and outings with the kids. Best years of my life.

I loved it. It was a strain on our budget and I am now back at work. I am enjoying working again. But really glad all the kids got me home for the first 5 years of their life.

I love being a SAHM. I’ve got a 3.5 year old and a newborn, and I’m so glad I’m able to be home with them. Before the small one came along, which has thrown everything out of kilter right now of course, DC1 and I tended to do something out and about once a day, say a toddler group / mini outing or similar, and then the rest of the day spent playing or going for a walk or gardening etc etc. Sure I guess it’s hard work but I can’t say I ever really feel like it is int he moment if that makes sense, it’s just what I feel I’m meant to be doing!

I have enjoyed being a SAHM. My son is only 2 and I’ve loved that I’ve been able to spend so much one on one time with him and get to know him so well. We fill our days with toddler classes and groups, or going on walks in plantations and finding interesting rocks or jumping in puddles. We like feedings ducks and playing in the park.
We also do the household tasks together. He comes with me to do the big weekly food shop and we talk about the food we’re buying and what they’re good for E.g he’ll shout ‘peppers’ and put them in the trolley and I say they’re good for your brain or something. Or we’ll grab some chocolate and I say that’s good for your mouth because it tastes nice aha. We have a lot of fun and I’m so glad I have this time with him.
However, when he got to 1 and I knew I wasn’t going back to work I started to study online. I knew I wanted to do something for me, something that I’m interested in. I found a course in a topic I may want to do as a career one day and just spend a little time studying that when he naps. Luckily I also found a part time job and just do 4 hours a day, two days a week on a Friday and Saturday. It’s just a few hours doing a job I enjoy and can see a future career in, related to my studies and gives me that little bit of time chatting to other adults about something other than children. Personally I think it’s made me a better mum for the rest of the time I’m with my son. I still consider myself a SAHM as I do so few hours (and he’s napping for nearly half of them!), but I have a little side job that helps me to feel like myself outside of being a mum too. So there are ways to be there with your child and still have something for yourself and possibly find a new career that you love that long term will fit around your child and childcare / school etc.

As with everything two sides- great being there no matter what, the biggest is if kids are sick there’s no juggling at all, you can just stay home and be there for them. The worst is no matter how much as a couple you say ‘our money’, it turns into ‘his money’ in his head if you spend it the way you’d spend your own money or if there’s marital issues. Also the lovely judgement from people who feel free to tell you how lucky you are, you can never have a shitty day when you’re a sahm apparently!

Ive a few friends that kept up consulting work or kept training and I think that’s definitely the way to go, when myself and dh started having marital issues I had to absolutely scramble to find a job. Congratulations on your child op and best of luck whatever you choose

I was a sahm for a decade, had 3 kids.

It was great, no stress dealing with sick days, snow days, school holiday cover etc when they were at school. I'd spend my time cleaning, going to the gym, running errands or just being lazy.

The baby days were not so much fun. It was boring, I never really gelled with other mums so baby groups were isolating. All my friends worked so no one to visit. I began to feel incredibly lonely and isolated. When they went to school it at least gave me structure and a reason to get out the house twice a day.

Once my youngest was 7 I was dying to get back to work and I did manage to get back into the same industry but had to start again at entry level. 5 years on I've been promoted twice and am in a management role now, but it was really hard to get back into the swing of things.

I had my first child 19 years ago and decided I just couldn’t go back to work and leave him with a childminder. I happily gave up my job and was a sham for 16 years. I was able to help on all the school trips, school holidays were never a problem, I was always there to pick them up if they were sick at school and always there after school. I didn’t get bored of it really. Maybe when they were babies I did as my husband worked away and I got a bit lonely.

If I had to do my time again though, I think I would have worked, at least part time. Kids are now older, I’m divorced from their dad and feel I could have done so much more and had a “proper” career. You have to factor in what you would do if things don’t work out. I never in a million years thought we’d separate and I’d have to start to work again in my late forties.

As the kids got older and they needed me a lot less, and I could start to leave them in the house alone, I did get to a stage where I thought I’d better get off my arse and do something! My mum took 10 years off then went back to work when we were older. Maybe that’s an option?

Have been SAHM for 25 years ,4 kids home educated for primary age .,had great fun.
Two have disabilities and won't ever live independently without support.
Have ten year gap between the youngest two.
The world seems so quiet going to days out places when everyone else is in school or work.
Gave them all fantastic start in life ,all have a string of excellent GCSEs and A levels .
When they did go to school for secondary ,being home for them after school ,was a world away from own childhood of letting myself in to an empty house and a microwave meal ,and my mum arrived home 7 .30 when I was expected to be in bed by .
I don't regret it .
But that's just as well ,as with my sons disabilities there was no other way to do things due to getting expelled twice from secondary and having tutoring at home.
I didn't have kids for someone else to bring them up

Go for it. Always pros and cons but overall much better for little ones to be with a parent rather than hours spent in a nursery.
I would go to baby/toddler groups, meet with friends, National Trust properties, time at home etc. Preschool very part time at 3ish.... children happy, bright children in primary school.
Also not doing lots of juggling with work, tired children, household tasks etc.

I will add though
We went without expensive holidays ,or new cars ,or bigger houses .
We should of moved when they reached teenage years but we stayed put and made do..so no huge mortgage or huge monthly expenses of new car or new kitchens or new sofas .but we had yearly tickets to safari parks and had holidays on caravan parks when everyone else was in school .
I honestly wouldn't change a thing

I was in a well-paid role with a year of maternity on full pay when I had my DS (single parent). Through no fault of mine, I was then placed on gardening leave for a further 9 months on full pay, then finally made compulsorily redundant with a very large payout. This all kept me going for some time and I absolutely loved spending all that time with DS. When he started school, I took a p/t role around school hours that was again well-paid but a completely different industry and I regret not keeping up with what I knew because when I did return to my specialism, I had to start almost at the beginning again. My career has never completely recovered in that although I’m ‘senior’, well-known and respected in my field, my peers from 20 years ago that used nannies or day-nurseries then boarding schools, are now COOs or CEOs of big organisations with fat pensions and retirement on the horizon. It’s important to say that I don’t regret a single moment of being there for my DS, we have a great relationship and I do think it made a positive difference to his development. I also spent a lot of quality time with my parents during that time and have some lovely memories. I would only change that I stayed working p/t and in my field, I’d in a better position now overall.

I returned to work part time after Ds1 was born so have experienced the nursery runs, the sick child etc. Dh and I shared it all. Dh was raised in a household with a working Dad who did nothing except work (1970s) and a sahm who did everything but taught him how to be an adult so he can cook, clean, shop etc.

I became a sahm when Ds was a toddler due to a location move for Dh's much better paid job. That was 20 years ago. I haven't worked since but I do have a disability so it makes me far less likely to be employed by anyone. My youngest child is now in uni and I won't work again. Dh refers to me as retired. I am 51.

The cons, it can get lonely when people return to work especially when the children start school or secondary. I have one long term sahm friend. Also everything house related can become your domain even when your Dh is home. This did not happen with me but I saw it all the time with other Dads. Even if the wife returned to work, she still had to do everything child and house related and the job.

The pros for us, Dh saw me as an equal with decision making, money, never begrudged me spending and we had enough money for me to have my own car, we had incredible holidays, moved house all because Dh was able to progress his career. We had been together 8 years before children so knew spending habits and attitudes to money, children etc before I committed to being a sahm. We had a yearly sit down (pre children too) about finances, what we spent, where we spent it, plans for spending over the next year. It was definitely family money and not his.

Dh joined in school runs when he could, took their birthdays off work, and mine, attended every sports day and was fully involved with their day to day with reading and bath and bed. We often did divide and conquer so if he was going out say to B&Q he would take a child with him leaving me with one so we had one on one time with each child.

My children excelled academically because I had time to research, look ahead, put things into place to help them exceed all expectations of them. Housework was done during school hours and Monday to Friday when they were in school so I was fully available for them and Dh. It took the stress of Dh because I was here for sick children and school holidays which are 13 weeks a year and every 6-7 weeks. It can be hard to align holidays when you are both working.

Dh and I have reflected on this over the years and know it was the best decision we made and it worked for us. We talked a lot about it whilst it was part of our life. We had clear expectations of each other, we tag teamed so if one of us was tired or overwhelmed then we could tap out. Dh got a lie in every Saturday and I got one every Sunday. He experienced solo parenting all the time with one or both children which is important.

I didn’t give up work til my second. Not bored. I did quite a bit of volunteering at the school. I am a widow so all the ferrying to sport etc came down to me. I eventually did start working again though - very part time.

Coming up to a year. I've actually taken an additional year (unpaid obviously) so not due back until May 2026. My job will be held for me until then.

Thanks everyone for such great and honest replies from so many perspectives! Really appreciate it.

Still undecided but these have been so useful and some great things to think about

As mentioned in my last reply, I have a year extra to ponder things anyway. So grateful to have this time.

Genuine question, do you think your doing your best by your children by home educating?

I’m a SAHM to my 10yo.

TBH the day goes pretty fast. I drive my son to school and it’s not local so by the time I get back home after exercising the dog it’s about 10 am. I then have breakfast and do some personal stuff. Then housework until lunchtime. Then other random chores/projects until time to leave for school pickup. Then there’s after school activities. Then the afternoon grind (dinner, making lunches for the next day, cleaning the kitchen etc). I personally don't find I get bored/dissatisfied.I try to get the bulk of everything done (house admin, school, after school activities etc) so that there’s nothing to do over the weekend and it’s pretty much relaxing time. As a SAHP I can attend everything for my son’s school which he really enjoys (trips, school sports events etc).

In terms of financial security I’m fortunate to be in a position that even if things didn’t work out with DH, even dividing assets I’d only need to work part-time (if that) if I was on my own. I was qualified in allied health (degree and professional accreditation) so it would be a bit hard returning to that, having not done it for 11 years but I could make it work.

I tried it and didn’t like it.

Personally, I found it really hard, lonely, I was craving adult company and mental stimulation, I missed the buzz of work and being successful. I felt that my sole purpose was to facilitate everyone else’s lives. I also missed earning my own money and the mental security that came with that.

In your situation I would suggest that you consider going back to work for a bit first, see if you’re happy and if not, consider a SAHM option. Children change lots at the 12-13m stage and your day to day can change to.

I might try it again soon, but the children are older, my role at home would be different, and I think I’ve naturally come to the end of my career growth.