SAHMs...tell me everything!

[GLC789]

Currently on maternity. Considering not going back to my career. It was a good one, worked hard, management level, well respected etc. Blowing my trumpet but, I'm proud of what I built over 16 years in the company.

DH is able to support our household with zero rejigging of budgets or tightening belts. I have a healthy nest egg of savings which he absolutely does not want me to dip into, ever. I love him mind 😍

Enough back story.

1 child. My little darling. I just love being with her and have never spent more than an hour away from her. Hence, flirting with SAHM life.

Tell me about your days:

Do you get bored?
If their in school now, what do you get done your 6 hours?
Do you wish you'd gone back to work?
Do you feel fulfilled with the hard work every day?

I hope this doesn't come across as ignorant, I honestly want the good bad and the ugly experiences.

I loved it. I was a SAHM until my youngest went to secondary school so 15 years in total. In that time I helped run a toddler group, helped a small charity with admin on a voluntary basis (from home), went to the gym (it had a crèche), volunteered at their school (reading, going on trips, helping with “practical” stuff like cookery lessons, forest school etc.), church council, had lunch with friends, had daytime “dates” with DH like lunch or a cinema trip, plus the housework. The voluntary stuff I did definitely helped when I returned to work as it was all using employable skills.

Long term SAHM here. Had a great time and feel very lucky to have had so much time with the children. However, if you have a big gap on your CV, be prepared to go in at a much lower level than you are now. It might not happen, but I know so many mums who just cannot achieve the level of flexibility they want or need when they return to do the same hours as before or get the same salary. (You will be used to spending all your time with the kids and they are used to it too so using lots of childcare is hard). Your confidence might also take a big knock. You just aren’t the same person that you were 5/10 years before when you left the workforce and you won’t have the same network there

(both children are at school now, I don’t get bored but I do feel guilty not bringing home an income when my partner is working all day and I am everyone’s housekeeper, accountant, PA and general do-er of everything (can feel like dogsbody). So you also have to be ok to accept that the dynamic of your relationship will probably change, and you will be expected to do all the stuff that is often unnoticed and repetitive but crucial to everyday life)

I’ve been a sahm for 14 years and I don’t really have any plans to return. I thought I probably would as they got older but to be honest I felt like they almost needed me more as they hit teenage years.
I have 6 dc but only 3 at home full time now but they are all very sporty and play multiple sports and facilitating their sports commitments is a lot.
When they were younger I really forced myself to get out and about with the preschoolers…. I made lots of friends and did something every morning after the school drop off. I had three under 4 and playgroups were a godsend.

I became a SAHP by design at 37. I was in a very senior role which I knew was unsustainable if I was to be the sort of parent I wanted to be-or the sort of worker I wanted to be. So do and I decided I would not return to work. He was a high earner, so we were lucky that it was a choice we were in a position to make.
No, I was never bored, or ever wished I had returned to work. I had skills that were useful in several volunteering roles that took up more of my time as they got older.
A couple of things to consider. My dp was completely on board. He never took me for granted and was always very aware that I was facilitating his career. We discussed frequently whether it still suited both of us. He always made clear to other people-and the children as they got older- that we were a team who contributed equally and differently.

Another thing that I think goes against the Mumsnet orthodoxy-I was always willing to make friends -even if only short term and with people very different to me. So I was never lonely. I’m sad that the term “village” has lost credibility, but because there isn’t another word, I worked very hard at creating my village. And 30 years later that village still stands-I’m babysitting a village grandchild this evening(for free), and proofing another’s dissertation (for money!) next week….

Loved it, was never bored. I have a healthy pension because my husband has always paid into mine since I stopped working. As should yours. Like you, I had a healthy career. I stopped at 38. Though I have dipped in and out since, which you also can do, in your position, as you’ve built up a reputation and experience.

I loved every minute never bored. When they went to school looked forward to holidays to have 4 of them at home. It makes me so sad when so many mums on here complain that they can't wait for they children to go back to nursery and school as they don't seem to like having them at home. I don't get it.

(I also want to add that there’s a big difference between a SAHM of 2, or of 3.4 or more children. If you have a small gap, the SAHM of x2 is done with the baby, toddler and preschool years in about 4 or 5 years, it’s all very compact and then you have lots of time on your own in the day when they are both at school. If I’d have carried on and had more children life would be a lot more busy and harder at home with school runs and then babies and toddlers or preschoolers as well!)

I was a SAHM for 10 years while my children were growing up. I loved it, although did struggle at times with not having any time to myself. Seriously de-skilled while I was out of the workforce, but got back in at a lower level and could have progressed up the ranks if I wanted to (I don’t, in my current role I have school holidays with my children which I prioritise over a career). I don’t think it’s for everyone, but I really enjoyed it.

I was a SAHM for 5 years until my D.C. went to school when I returned to work.

I loved it and returning to work was very hard emotionally.

However as I’m now late forties I absolutely think I made the right decision to go back to work. I have lots of friends who haven’t worked since their children were born.

They are in very vulnerable situations if their marriage fails or their husbands become too ill to work.

None of them have pensions of their own either and haven’t paid enough NI to qualify for state pensions.

I don’t regret the years I spent at home (even though it did impact my career and my pension) but I’m so pleased I went back when I did.

Take time out when the children are little certainly but consider longer time out of work, very, very carefully.

I don’t understand people saying they had no time for themselves as a SAHP. I think it’s an entirely different ball game if you’re a single parent…

I was a SAHM when mine were babies and up until the eldest went to secondary school (they're young adults now). I chose to be at home for a few reasons - my working hours at the time were incompatible with nursery/childminder hours, my DH worked away/overseas a lot, and honestly, I just wanted to be with my babies. We did a different activity every day, play dates at home, parks, museums, libraries, galleries, playschool when they were old enough.
I did continue freelancing here and there, building it up when they went to school, and we loved overseas for a few years, but I always had the flexibility to choose what I felt was the best of both worlds. I wouldn't choose differently if I had to make that decision again. I'm early 50s now, both DCs at uni, I have a full time senior role WFH, using my skills and feeling fulfilled professionally and personally. Decent pension pot due to saving along the way. It worked for me/us, I was lucky to have been able to make that choice (DHs earnings plus my freelance were enough, tho we made 'sacrifices') and those years at home with DCs were great.

I don’t understand how you can still be a SAHM when the kids are secondary age or have left for uni ?
You’re a housewife, how boring.
What if you get divorced? How would you support yourself ? You wouldn’t get much of a job after 20 years out of work.

I was a SAHP from about the time my youngest was 2 until he was in Year 8 (13). I now work full-time.

No, I didn't get bored. I only get bored if I'm stuck in one place and have something I'd really like to be doing somewhere else.

My kids were all home educated for primary due to additional needs and very poor local options where we lived. I'm very glad to have done this. During the year and a bit after my youngest went to secondary school, we'd recently moved, so I focused on things around the house, volunteering including being a school governor, reading, taking courses, and taking on projects of interest on top of the usual helping and spending time when I could with my family.

I wouldn't say I wished I'd gone to employment sooner. It may have been nice if it had stayed as it was with my husband as the main carer for many reasons, but that's not how it worked and there are many things I would have missed, including the career I have now. It's one of those life would be very different, but likely equally able to have joy in.

I would strongly recommend if you're going to have a significant amount of time out to ensure you have the support to remain connected whether it's volunteering or otherwise - the work I've done since all required recent references or countersignatories, which I wouldn't have had if I didn't volunteer.

I don't know how to answer the question about feeling fulfilled with the hard work. I don't connect the two. I found peace and joy in it both when it was hard work and when it wasn't.

I don’t understand how you can still be a SAHM when the kids are secondary age or have left for uni? You’re a housewife, how boring.

For me, it was in part having disabled kids who needed additional support and part I viewed it like I was temporarily retired.

I've met people who find retirement irritatingly boring, some who returned to work because of it, but most people I know look forward to a time when they don't need to work and most retired people I know find joy in the peaceful calm of it rather than view it as boring. I view the time I had out of work with my kids in that manner - I was just lucky enough to not only have that peaceful calm where I could make my own schedule as retirees do, but to take it while able to enjoy it and have my kids around. I'm not sure I'll actually retire fully, I like having projects and the economy is unpredictable, and I'm not sure if when I get to retirement age that I'll have to health to do what I did then or where my kids will be. I'm glad I had that time when I could rather than do what I've seen a lot, which is putting it off, expecting the dreams to happen eventually...and then death or ill health beats them to it. I've had those dreams, and then when my youngest went to secondary, I started to build new ones.

6 hours when they’re at school isn’t long! I do housework and meet friends, exercise, read, prepare meals. I do occasionally get bored.

I think the question is not ‘ how will I fill my days’ but ‘what is my attitude to risk?

if you are a SAHM, be aware it’s a gamble and ALL the risk is on you. You are the one in a highly precarious position if your marriage fails or if he dies. People start dying in their 40s. I have really noticed this, colleagues, neighbours, friends, friends of friends. It’s terrifyingly common. And they are not the people you think. All but one of the many people I have known die, we’re fit and healthy. And marriages fail. Every SAHM thinks their marriage is rock solid. And their H would treat them fairly in a divorce. Till it isn’t and he doesn’t. Men treat women well whilst they like them. Once they no longer do, they will do all they can to protect ‘their’ money. And no man thinks it’s ‘his’ money as much as a man who’s had a SAHW.

And it’s not great to know you are the one with most to lose if the marriage fails. Especially when things start to go wrong.

Personally I’d keep a job, at least part time, for financial independence.

This! (I tried to say this in a post earlier but it didn’t come across as clearly). I have taken a risk to my financial long term health and it’s a gamble and it’s not looking good for me career wise having been out of the workplace so long. Totally my own choice, nothing to blame on anyone else, and I have very good equity in a home but my long term earning potential at this moment is dire. It all rests on him. I need to turn it around (and some SAHMs built a great career before babies which I didn’t really, so hence my position is worse), but I now have to think about this every day and try not to panic. Also, just another point, the household income is impacted negatively with one higher earner vs x2 lower earners. The 100-125k 60% equiv tax rate kicks in, and it is far more tax efficient to pay into his pension, rather than to pay tax at 60 or 45 % than pay into mine, so it just doesn’t make sense. Also you lose out on a second tax-free allowance, then 20% tax band, so generally as a household you just pay more tax (but less on childcare too though)

I love it! When my son was small, we had so many adventures, going to playgroups, forest school, national trust places, all over the place.

He's now 8 and I spend a lot of time volunteering - I’m chair of the PTA and also help out in school one morning a week, I’m a member of the women’s institute for which I’m also on the committee doing various things. It all keeps me plenty busy!

I do wonder what life will be like in a couple of years when he leaves primary, though.

@notatinydanceri think that’s a bit of a sweeping statement.
Your life is as interesting as you make it. I’m certainly not a housewife 😆 although I still have two primary dc as well as secondary and ones who’ve flown the nest.
I travel, meet friends, have hobbies and interests, learn new things all the time.

Financially I’m secure. I own properties that provide me with an income and if the shit hit the fan I could cash in and live very comfortably.

Agree, but a lot of SAHMs do not have that financial independence.

I used to love being a SAHM.

Once they were at nursery I used that time to do all the house related stuff, which meant evenings and weekends were all pleasant stuff.

Then once they were at school I got involved in some really good voluntary stuff that I loved. My involvement evolved as the children got older. It was even more fulfilling than my previous work in schools and was the best of both worlds.

Now a SAHM with a seriously ill and disabled child and it's a relentless slog. Even with paid help.

Also finances are so so so important.

I'm in the very fortunate position of having a small private income and enough savings to buy a house if DH suddenly ran off with a teenager.

Paying into my pension is also viewed as a household expense and we take the same amount of personal spends every month despite our incomes being vastly different.

You also have to be sure that you and your DH are on the same page regarding the household chores. DH considered the children my day work and he still felt the washing and cooking etc should be 50/50. Once they were at school we split it more 75/25.

A lot of SAHP I know seem to fall into the trap of everything child and house related being their sole responsibility. Once DH is home the kids are as much his responsibility as they are mine.

It's shite, in my opinion. Less money coming in = less to do out of the house other than free baby groups which, unless you make friends very early on, are also shite. No financial independence. Bored to tears. Easy to find excuses not to bother showering or dressing properly. If you have a hint of mental illness I would avoid, avoid, avoid. Just writing about it is depressing me. Thank Christ I'm job hunting again! Even just working 1/2 days a week would make all the difference. But no, I would not recommend it. Hard, meaningful work but by God it's not for me.

It didn't work out well for me. I stopped working because 1, my job was badly paid and nursery fees would have eaten it all 2, neither of us could drive at the time so logistically it would have been a nightmare 3, we agreed it was the best thing for dd and 4, motherhood broke my brain and I didn't feel confident to go back.
All seemed like good reasons at the time, but right now it feels like a massive mistake. H took it as a license to do literally nothing outside of work, so I never ever got a break, and he has less of a relationship with his kids because of it. Also, as soon as the youngest hit nursery funding he started on with how terrible it is as sole earner, how burned out he is etc. I'm now killing myself trying to get a qualification and a job so I can support the kids myself and not be reliant on increasingly flaky H.
And my brain never did work properly again, sigh.

I was going go back to work until I had my child in my arms - then just couldn’t. I stayed at home and did various bits of work around him and subsequent children. He ended up being severely disabled so the flexibility I built up has been helpful.

kids are all grown up now. I retrained and work full time in a different industry - love my job. We had some hard Financial Times but mortgage all paid off now and debt free. Probably not far behind where we would have been if I had stayed at work

Have you got friends with similar age babies that are also going to be stay at home mums? Or at least work part time.
I think that makes a massive difference, especially as they become toddlers. I’d say that stage is wayyy harder than the baby stage as it’s less coffee shops and leisurely lunches and more soft play hells and playgrounds and a friend makes all the difference.
Also is your career one that you can step back into in a few years?