Giving up career to be SAHM - worried about pension

[47andahalf]

I have a good career that means I am in the higher tax bracket. My husband earns about 70% off what I do but financially we'd probably still be fine if I gave up work, because no more £££s per month on wraparound care (all 3 at primary school), and I currently save a fair bit of my income so I'd just not have the savings option anymore, rather than having to massively change our quality of life (albeit fancy holidays would definitely be off the card).

I'm very stressed at work. I have put on weight, I'm snappy etc. I don't like who I am when I'm stressed. Conversely my husband is thriving in his job, travel, networking, climbing the ladder, he loves it!

He says he'd be happy with me giving up work.
I would too, emotionally and mentally.
But financially.... I am so worried about having a very small pension in 25 years time! It keeps me awake at night. Current pension prospects are pretty good if I stay with current employer, but if I leave work now I'm probably looking at £7k per year plus state pension if it still exists at that point. Of course I could go back to work in another role once the children are a bit older, but I don't see me ever getting another job that pays at a similar level, or offers such an attractive pension prospect.

Has anyone any words of wisdom for me? My identity is not at all ties to my job, so no concerns in giving up on that score, it's just the thought of giving up so much of what are currently quite good prospects for retirement that is really concerning me !

Thanks for reading, usual apology that I didn't think it would be this long when I started!

I’d only consider giving up work if you can maintain your current pension contributions from your husbands income (employers and employee contributions combined). Is there not any option for you to work part time or change jobs? Seems a shame to just throw away your career.

My friend was a SAHM for 12 years, her husband left her 2 years ago for a younger woman in what is a walking cliche the stupid old twat. She may have a decent woman lawyer who is fighting for her but my goodness her retirement is going to be very different to what she envisaged. He has moved in to OW house, she will be taking out another mortgage at 52. She also had a better career than him, she has returned to a junior position on a temp contract that runs out at Christmas. Now back down the ladder she is on about half his wage.

Protect yourself, it’s all about the not romantic financial details really.

I would go part time….but no way would I give up work

I gave up work, earning a good income & became SAHM. Similar reasons.

Now back at work, sh*tty job almost min wage because the gap has wiped my experience & employability.

Almost split last year from DH & without a good income my future would have been bleak. It made me realise no one is safe, as we'd always had a solid relationship.

My pension (our version) isn't even an issue as I worked in a job with excellent employer contributions (not UK) & has kept growing. I still feel I could have more & been able to retire earlier. Although, in a split I'd lose a massive chunk to DH so an income is even more important.

What I really, truly wish I'd done was find a role, even low paid, one or two days a week to fill that resume gap, keep referees & employability.

Even now, a bigger income would be helpful as we're facing teen kid costs - private high school fees (our public is horrific), DD will need braces, DS wants a phone at some point etc.

I also think what the money would have done for us as well. We managed, but I was very frugal & went without anything for myself. I loved time with DC, but I wouldn't do it again if I could go back.

If your kids are all in school then I’d definitely get a part time job to fill in the days whilst they’re at school. You could even possibly get an evening / night job and rest whilst children are at school. Then you can still get a pension etc.
My son is 1.5 years old and I gave up my job so I could be with him, plus the childcare fees meant I’d hardly be earning anything. But I now have a part time job over weekend afternoons, so I can still pay into a pension and contribute to the household financially. Even if it’s just a little bit of money, I like knowing I have something to put on my CV in future.

Don't give up your job to stay at home if your kids are in school! This would be crazy. Go part-time, that is the obvious solution if it's possible.

I'm another one who never ever saw themselves divorced. I worked part time while the kids were young. When exH left I upped my hours and everything worked out fine financially.

Protect yourself. No-one can know what the future holds. It sounds like you have amazing earnings, don't throw this away.

Yes agree, I'd go part time at current work/look for a different role in the same sector that's part time. 2/3 days a week would give you a lot more balance and still keep some security

I would suggest going part time. Maybe even very part time, 2 short days. Then you can keep a small pension and have options

Don't do it. You will regret it in the years to come.

Could you look at changing jobs?

Def look to change jobs or go party time. Do t just give up, you will end up regretting it for sure.

I'm a sahm to preschoolers and younger but I live on the basis that we will potentially be divorced and I can't rely on him financially in old age. We've both been married before so I think this is just good sense. He pays me money I can put into a pension. He is a slightly higher earner but we were both higher rate tax payers.

I have a career that I can pick up relatively easily at the same professional level though otherwise I would work the least hours possible to keep my grade. Can you find a role that is just one or two days spread across school hours?

Don't do it.

I'm stuck because I did the same, fucked for the future.

Can you compress hours, even dropping one afternoon could make the stress levels different . Is there anything else you can outsource at the moment to make life easier?

I’m another one who says don’t do it, although I did it and I went back to work once my kids in school with not much issue. I then also retrained and I am now in a job I love. My DC are only 8 and 11, but a couple of years ago I had a mental breakdown after years of being unhappy and I ended my marriage. I moved out and got my own place etc. if I had no job I wouldn’t Have been able to do that.

I'd urge you to look at different solutions. More help at home, different job, drop a day. Anything but blowing up your career.

There is more to life than money . As long as you have the essentials and are happy and mentally well you can adjust . You will be in a better headspace for your children and actually available for them . You are a long way off retirement and have plenty of time to increase your pension either through something self employed , a side hustle or another job .

Thank you all for taking the time to share your own experiences in this area. You've confirmed what I really already knew: it is not a good idea for me to give up work!

Me and husband are pretty solid, but like all couples have our ups and downs, and i do appreciate that taking my wage away will put more pressure on him and that should have an impact on our relationship.

I think i Will consider dropping some hours but not sure how feasible that will be in my current role.

Thanks again, some really useful insights shared by you all x

OP, it seems to me your current job is causing the problem and they are overworking you. I would consider switching jobs. If you do want to go parttime it's much easier to do with a new employer. Your currently employer will probably just pay you less for the same workload.

Have you considered both dropping some hours. Maybe 1 day each (different day off though)? Both get some time with the kids and once they are at school you both have a bit of downtime. And both parents can contribute equally to the financial pot and to the household chores and parenting. Works well for us and neither of our careers has been negatively affected.

Find a part time job. I've done part time since dc and like it. I've done 4 days for many years now and will never go full time again.

A man isn't a plan, anything could happen in the future and you want to make sure you always have choices. Good luck

Is it the actual work that is stressful or trying to balance work and home life?Would your husband consider going part-time and taking over a greater share of the housework/ child care?

I would look at a few things, share of home workload, if it’s your job or the hours. I would strongly suggest part time rather than giving up work.

I agree with others on this thread. Go pt, save your earnings in a combination of ISAs and then any over the tax limit, your pension. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing.

This is what I do, and it’s freeing just knowing that anything I earn feels like a bonus to our everyday life. I wouldn’t go back to a stressed out FT job for any money.

Edited to add that I also feel very grateful to be in this position 😄

You clearly have skills and ability OP.

Time to look for a role that is less stressful etc. Brush up your CV, get prominent on LinkedIn, start casting your eye around for jobs. With a view to improving your life - work balance where possible.

You’ll feel better, lose weight, like yourself better for being less snappy.

I was the main earner but really struggled with us both being FT with no family support. It was just relentless. I left my job with one in monti and one in what the UK calls reception, but the country I live in does much shorter hours.

I picked up part time jobs in the same industry sector as a freelancer hourly rate. The income is very up and down, you wouldn't want to be relying on it to pay your bills! The rate of pay is not what I was used to but the expectations were relaxed. I know the company so well now I don't know how I would ask for an increase and they might just say no and then it would be super awkward.

I basically have not paid into a pension for 4 years and that is a big worry to me. I have been earning about 16K a year but that gives me some employability for when I go back doing more hours in 6 months