SAHM partner is annoyed every time he's sends me money…

[TeaBookcats]

My partner and I agreed that I would be a SAHM until our daughter was 3. He owns very well, money is not a concern at all. He boasts about his earnings. He has multiple streams of income. His bills are split with his mum, who owns half of his property. So his outgoing are very low.

He didn't want me to have financial access to his money so every month he would give me a set amount. This month I'm a little bit low, which he knows so I've asked for my money 2 days early. He asks why and he will send it in his own time, I usually have to ask him repeatedly. It seems that every time I ask for money, regardless of whether it is early or not he becomes very moody and critises my spending. It isn't a large amount. He's always spending a large amount on unnecessary things, we currently have a sauna built in our garden, for him but was reluctant to get our daughter a £2.50 toy grabber from Sealife center, which we had free tickets for.

I'm currently looking for work however, I am very restricted as his hobbies and work take up 90% of the week. No family to help with nursery pick up and drop-offs. He won't sacrifice any of his time. I do enjoy being home with my little one.

Does anyone else have a similar issue? I have tried to speak to him but it goes over his head.

No, I’ve never had similar issues. Unfortunately for you, your husband is financially abusive and clearly cares very little about you and your child. Best bet would be to get back to work and make plans to leave him, it won’t get better.

Ah, I’ve just seen you’re not married, even worse.

Do you live together? It sounds as if he’s pretty uncommitted. Protect yourself by finding some work if you can.

Honestly I'd leave.

He's controlling and financially abusive. He's knowingly and intentionally making it so you can have no independence or life of your own.

You have zero legal protections, being dependent on a boyfriend. Urgently get employment and secure housing for yourself, this man is a failure of a parent and you've chosen to be incredibly vulnerable.

He’s a controlling prick who is financially abusing you.

I’m a SAHM and have access to all money, properties in both names etc. I can spend what I like.

You need to change your circumstances. You'd be much better off on your own, he's not enhancing your life in any way.

Try and get a job asap

I'm currently looking for work however, I am very restricted as his hobbies and work take up 90% of the week. No family to help with nursery pick up and drop-offs. He won't sacrifice any of his time.

How was the deal that you go back to work when she's 3 ever going to work, then? Sounds like you've been sold down the river.

It’s an object lesson on why becoming financially dependent on a man and hoping he’ll be nice about it, is a really bad idea. I agree with @Muffin101.

What happened before you had a child?

Child maintenance is 15% of his income. You don't have to be married for him to be financially responsible for his child.

Please contact Women's Aid, they can help you leave, get your own place and sort out benefits you will be entitled to (which aren't affected by CS payments). Your child deserves better than this.

Have a sit down conversation about the amount of money he gives you and say you need more.
Show figures that break down all the costs for your child and household spending and personal costs separately. Say you need more or you get a job and childcare will be split equally between the two of you.
The social housing situation is dire at the moment so if you are thinking of going it alone, what financial backing do you have? What jobs have you had before? Think about how you can make your own money.

I am sorry your partner is such an arse. Remind him that he is a parent and the money he gives is for his child’s benefit.

Is the money usually enough to cover your needs, and is it to pay for household expenses as well as maintenance? If he shares finances with his mother then is he aware of how much basic items have increased in price ? Keep records of payments for basic household items( not personal spending) for a month and then show him how tight your margins are. And as others have said, start making plans to leave, people who are mean with money don’t change.

You'd be better off leaving with your DC and seeing a lawyer to get a financial agreement in place. You are enabling him to earn highly by providing the free labour of childcare and his financial abuse will get worse, fuelled by codependent mother. Don't set this example for your DC, you can be happy and have a right to peace. Put yourself and DC first.

Are you able to leave him and claim maintenance?

This is financial abuse. Please please leave him. Contact womens aid and your local authority about how to access housing for you and your child. Look into child maintenance on their website. And make sure you are getting all of the benefits you can whilst you look for work and even after you do. Your child will be better off in nursery than watching her mother beg for scraps from this man.

You may also need to look into getting Legal Aid if he decides he wants court mandated contact. Given what you've said about his hobbies etc then it may not be an issue.

@PTSDBarbiegirl there's no financial agreement to be made, they're legally single. All the boyfriend would pay is maintenance for the child.

If you can possibly find a 9-5 job then you need to do so. You need not to be financially independent on this man as he clearly resents you.

Well no, and I can’t imagine a life where my partner gives me an allowance and I need to then ask for more. The whole thought of it makes me shudder.

What attracted you to this gem of a human being in the first place?

Either leave him or refocus your efforts on the redeeming qualities that made you want to be with him and have a baby with him.

He will not change and he’s a big Mummy’s boy too.

From your post it looks to me like he treats you as a toy he no longer wants to play or pay for anymore.

You have made a couple of errors of judgement here

1. moving in with a man who owns his house with his mother
2. agreeing to be a SAHM without full access to joint income
3. agreeing to this man paying you to look after his child
4. having a child with a financially controlling man without being married

Out of interest, you say he gives you money each month - how much and what is it supposed to cover?

You're in a really risky situation OP. Being a SAHM only works if the earning partner fully respects and values the SAHM's contribution, which certainly isn't the case here. I think you need to go back to work and make sure he pays his fair share of the childcare costs. I know it isn't what you planned - but the current setup leaves you very vulnerable.

You need to work out how to leave.

I can't think why you agreed to this but I certainly would not have given up my job and financial independence and become reliant on someone who doles out money to you like an allowance. That is not a partnership and it is worse if you are not married as less legal protection.

Tell him you are returning to work and he will need to shell out for childcare as your DD is his child too. Alternatively leave him and he will then have to forsake some of his time to actually parent assuming he would want shared custody. Honestly did you not think he would be like this before having a child? Was he mean and financially controlling before?