AIBU - annoyed by partners comment

[AllieBB]

Stay at home mum to two kids - 10 and 8.

DP said “I bring in 100% of the money and you operate 75% of the household”.

Really got my back up! Not sure who he thinks runs the other 25%, if I’m being generous I’d give him 10% max. Name a chore and I’ll tell you who does it.

If he likes statistics, and assuming he works a 40 hour week throw back at him - "24% of the week you're at work, 67% I am" (that's if you manage to get 8hrs sleep a night!)

He’s not counting himself as part of the household (3 people vs 1).therefore I’d prove a point by relieving yourself of responsibility for that 25% - whether it’s doing his laundry, choosing his preferences over yours when shopping, meal prep, household admin solely for him or anything else you do if it benefits him particularly - see how quickly he comes to you wanting XYZ!

But then I can be petty like that!

For your own security get a job.
And then tell him he needs to do 50% of the chores.

Do this.

If your DC are 8&10 you should be working, SAHPis a luxury once they're in school.

Point out that work is only 25% of the week! So maybe he needs to step up. Also how much of the mental load does he contribute to? And parenting?

My dh thinks his contribution is around 25% it isn't. This is because A he doesn't know everything that needs to be done and B he doesn't see the point in some of the stuff so thinks I'm wasting my time.

Also point out you both work hard and contribute in different ways. Playing who has the worst life is a pointless game where there are no winners.

With a 10 and 8 yo? Who presumably sleep at night and are at school in the day? Yeah, she doesn't work as many hours as him.

The DH might be a high earner and feels entitled to a trophy wife which means OP needs to invest time and money in her appearance and body, mornings spent at gym etc.

Or he has high standards regarding the house, show home standards which means a lot of time above what would be considered normal spent on cleaning. Also likes high end meals as opposed to sheps pie or spag bol.

High standards for DCs, OP spends hours with them supervising homework, extra tutoring, constant ferrying around to clubs in the evenings and weekends.

All of the above could be reasonable justification to SAH. Otherwise yeah, no reason not to get a job on the proviso of course that the DH steps up with the DCs and housework.

Honestly, if your kids are 8 and 10, both are in school, and you are a SAHP, I don't think he should be doing even 10% of the housework. It's different when you have preschoolers, but you must have plenty of time for it now.

If you don't want to be responsible for all of the chores, then that's totally fair enough. I wouldn't want to do that either. Maybe time to go back to work, contribute to the finances and insist that he steps up to do his fair share of the domestic load?

Agree with this tbh. Once they're in full tim school, you're not a SAHP, you're unemployed.

IMO, having one partner as a SAHP only works if both partners are fully on board with the arrangement and respect each other's contribution. That doesn't seem to be the case here. Could you look into going back to work?

Op says he is a dp so I am not sure they are married.

But it really doesn’t matter if he wants a trophy wife. Or if he has high standards.

Op doesn’t have to be financially vulnerable, because of his preferences.

Partner....

He sounds resentful. I'd take care if he is your not married or civil partners. Consider looking for a job or career again.

I agree with all come backs....

He washes his own clothes and does the taxes once a year.

To me it was just the cheek of it to say something like that, when even on weekends he doesn’t contribute to ferrying of kids around, meals, kitchen clean up etc.

At the ages of 8 and 10 your dc are probably more independent and you probably do have some free time during the day.
For your own financial security get yourself a job and split the housework 50/50

If OP does this, is it equally OK for him to relieve himself of financial responsibility for the OP?

How does she work hard if the kids are in school? Genuine question.

OP I would get a job. Sounds like he might be getting resentful of paying for everything.

Get a job
get a job
get a job

OP if he does so little why are you not getting a job and some financial independence for yourself so you can leave?

BTW does he do all the old "blue" jobs like bleed radiators, clean u-bends, fix blocked drains, mow the lawn, service the car?

For your financial security and self respect get a job

Oh and I have been contemplating what I want to do. Unfortunately I haven’t been employed in about 15 years due to some health issues prior to kids. I have been trying to decide about retraining in something but I don’t know what field. I was in sales but will never go back to that.

He's trying to tell you something OP. You need to listen rather than getting all defensive about his choice of words.

Did it get your back up because it’s the truth and you feel bad about that?

Being a SAHP to late primary age children is a huge luxury. There’s nothing wrong with it, but it probably would be nice for your husband for you to acknowledge how much he is providing for all of you.

If you don’t like being made to feel like you contribute less than your husband you need to try and contribute more equally.

Ask him which 25% and stop doing that