AIBU - annoyed by partners comment

[AllieBB]

Stay at home mum to two kids - 10 and 8.

DP said “I bring in 100% of the money and you operate 75% of the household”.

Really got my back up! Not sure who he thinks runs the other 25%, if I’m being generous I’d give him 10% max. Name a chore and I’ll tell you who does it.

What is your housing situation?
Is your dp paying into a pension for you?

Why is a woman only seen as having value if she is in employment?

If her husband brings in 200k per year and they can live on that and it is agreed that she deals with home and children why should she work? Would she not potentially be taking a job from someone who actually needs a job?

The op refers to a partner, not a husband.
That leaves her in a potentially vulnerable position if they were to separate.

It sounds like he is getting resentful. She might need a job for her security.

@WithACatLikeTread
how do we know how hard either of them work? Just because he's in paid employment doesn't mean he works hard? We also don't know what her day to day responsibilities look like.

Marriage is a team effort if their set up is she does home he does earning . Then he should be supportive of that not playing the big I am. If he feels she should work that's a different discussion.

If you are not married then you are incredibly vulnerable , unless you have independent means

get a job x 1000000000

I am aware of that. No way is being at home for the majority of the day and pottering around the house is as hard as going to a job. I wouldn't fancy the financial burden all on my shoulders either. Anyway it sounds like he has had enough.

Sounds like they aren't married. If I was OP I would be getting pension and other things sorted asap.

This. Sounds as though he's resentful of you being at home. Dc at school for 30 hours a week, it doesn't take that long to clean, do laundry and cook dinner.

Who is talking about her worth?

Op isn’t married. So if they split, while she would get decent CMS she would get nothing that’s only in his name.

and CMS doesn’t last forever. She would still need to find work so Gaby when it stops she is established. Even if she is married she would likely need to work, but if he is a huge earner the. She would have money from the assets though.

He clearly doesn’t respect her or what she does around the house or with and for the children. Meaning she needs to become more financially independent m, because chances are this relationship will go south and op is left in a position that she has to stay and hope he does too. Even if their relationship is awful and toxic.

Op obviously doesn’t have independent wealth, because that would mean that he wasn’t entirely funding the household. She is financially vulnerable. It’s not about her worth.

Theres no thing as taking a job of someone who needs one. Women don’t have to remove themselves from the workforce if their partner earns good money, for the benefit for other people.

@WithACatLikeTread

Are her children schooled or home schooled?

Does she have additional caring responsibilities? Ie Sen or elderly parents.

You're assuming they have two run of the mill kids and she spends her days as a lady of leisure.

Depending on your life running a home can be harder than a paid job and vice versa.

The point is it's not helpful to compare it's far better to value each other's contribution.

If she's not married then she's potentially financially vulnerable.

I mean even if there was an arrangement on OP staying at home and him working it sounds like he is changing his mind. It sounds like OP has no choice but get a job. Obviously she might be limited due to health issues and lack of experience. Not being married though makes me 😬

I think maybe you have different views, I’m not sure I would call myself a stay at home mum if the kids are that age and at school , for me it’s more a house wife, but each to their own.

Yep, going back to work sounds like an excellent idea.

Because after a comment like this, it will be either you having enough and kicking him out or him deciding ‘he is been taken advantage of’ and/or putting more and more pressure into you to take on even more/have the life of the whole family set up around him.
And you not working will allow to him to do that because you are in a more vulnerable position.

And yes not being married is putting you an even more vulnerable position. So are your health issues.

Being there and got the tshirt.

It's great you are considering retraining to get a job. I think you really need to get back to work as you are very vulnerable being a SAHM and not married.

What qualifications do you have? Have a good think about transferable skills from your previous job and from any unpaid work you may be doing now- volunteering etc. Then you can think about pathways to new skills you can go down to get skills to get you back into work. Maybe an accounting qualification? Lots of scope for flexible working or even setting up your own business as a bookkeeper for small businesses.

I missed you were unmarried, the fact you’ve not worked for 15 years, so for 5 before you even had kids,is really something that should be concerning you. You are arguably no longer a stay at home mum as your kids are older and at school all day, very soon they will both be in secondary. If your relationship ends, a frugal life on benefits beckons. I would take the time now to start volunteering to build your cv, and retraining and looking for work.