Feel like I have a third child SAHP

[Mumtoboys1]

I have 2 kids 7+9, I haven't worked since having kids since my eldest diagnosed ASD at age 4 and haven't found work/been able to keep work since. Their dad works from home. Last year we made big decision to home educate our eldest due to him not managing at mainstream school. And then it was their dads idea to also take DS2 out too, even though at the time I said I knew I couldn't manage it and I don't think it would work based on DS1 needs, but it always seems to be his decision I can't make him budge.

So have now been home educating 2 kids since last year and it has been horrendous, like I said their dad works from home and is ALWAYS here. And worst of all doesn't help out at all. Even though it was his decision to take DS2 out of school when I clearly said it would be too much for me. I could accept this if he was out at work all day, but having someone here while I'm doing everything is infuriating. It's not even like it's long hours. All the while he will tell me I'm not doing my job properly and I need to facilitate an environment so he can be the best he can be. While I appreciate he's doing something while I can't I just can't cope with the set up. No one comes round to the house because it just doesn't work and it all feels so lonely. He doesn't even offer to take the kids out even on a walk so I can clean the house in peace or have a minute to myself. It's so hard to keep on top of everything and with someone criticising the whole time isn't easy

He sleeps on the couch due to eldest ending up in the bed most nights so I can't even wake up early and have some time to myself because he's there.
I honestly wouldn't mind this so much if he was out. But because he's constantly here and most of the time stressed and angry with a short fuse blaming me for everything I feel I'm always walking on eggshells.
I'm exhausted most days and he doesn't seem to understand why, he thinks because I'm a woman and a mother that I'm supposed to be able to do it all with a smile on my face with no issues. He's told me he doesn't respect me as a mother. While he does nothing at all. I feel like I have a third child most of the time.
I guess this is just a rant to see if anyone else feels similar or am I being a baby about all this.

This has got to stop URGENTLY. Sit him and down and say that you absolutely refuse to continue you like this. If there is no reason for your daughter to be homeschooled, put her back into school so that you can focus on your son.

But most importantly, tell your husband he has to find new place to work - he cannot be at home during the day. How unbearable and suffocating.

Stand up for yourself, woman!! Otherwise you will end up ill and your family will not be able to cope.

You deserve a medal for coping as long as you have. Take care of yourself x

Why did he take the other kid out of mainstream school? What were his reasons?
You need to stop this ASAP for your children's sake as well as your own

This sounds so stressful OP. I would be at my wits end too. I am also angry reading this. How dare he speak to you in this way saying he doesn't respect you as a mother. Has he always been so controlling? He decided that DS2 should be home schooled without your agreement and he possibly knew you would find it overwhelming. He does not sound supportive at all.

Are you saying he says you need to facilitate an environment for the Dad to be the best he can be? Or your DS? If it is the Dad then I am gobsmacked!

You said that he has a short fuse, never helps, won't give you any time to yourself, you are walking on eggshells. I guess you need to ask yourself if you are prepared to spend the rest of your life like this? Is there anything you can do to get your DS2 back in school? How do your DC feel about the current situation?

This sounds horrendous
put The kids back in school
get a job
split the housework and kid duties

I hoped you told him you dont respect him as a husband or a father.

1. put the youngest back in school.
2. Find an appropriate school for the oldest.
3. Find a job.
4. Leave the dickhead.

It was his decision mainly to take DS2 out of school as his views are quite old fashioned and limited, it's hard to get through to him a lot of the time. Doesn't agree with school in general, doesn't agree with me taking the kids to groups like karate ect because we aren't rich we aren't ' in the real world ' it would be run by idiots who don't have a clue and half arse it apparently.

There seems to be an assumption on his end that if somehow one day he gets enough money to feel comfortable and 'live in the real world ' everything I'm describing I'm unhappy with will automatically happen, including him being more active with the kids. But now his days are full of worry and stress financially he has no time or headspace. But I obviously worry too but I'm fine taking the kids wherever as long as I see them smile but apparently I'm a fool and it's embarrassing and I shouldn't care about how they feel now just focus on the future.

Everytime he's stressed it's my fault somehow if it's anything with the kids fighting ect or misbehaving it's my fault for not disciplining them properly. He should be able to relax and the fact he can't is down to me for not making the environment better e.g managing kids properly, but yet when I say I'm stressed and overwhelmed it's a flaw in me and I need to learn to deal with things better, he's got more going on than me he says and we need to focus on him because he's the ' only one who can get us out of this situation ' ( financially) so I should make it so it's as easy as possible for him to do that.

If I make any mistake his response is ' but I'm struggling more than you and I still wouldn't make these mistakes, it terrifies me knowing I'm around you and the kids are round you if you can't think properly ' - this mistake can be anything from buying potatoes that aren't the best or me forgetting things when going shopping

He just doesn't understand the exhaustion and has even called me a teenager when I get upset.
I think I'm just hoping for a day he gets it so I don't feel crazy.
I don't have anyone to talk to except family and they don't like him anyway and will be biased.
And now feel even more isolated since home schooling. Id feel like a failure sending either or both of them back.
Admittedly we don't do much as I'd like to as I'm just trying to get through each day right now to be honest. I feel like I can't be very fluid and comfortable in my day with him there it's horrible.

He doesn't have anyone which is a big reason I also feel so bad. Doesn't speak to his family so we are basically all he has got.

“Doesn’t speak to his family” yeah cause he’s a bell end.

OP please reach out to your family, I’m not surprised they don’t like him, I don’t like him just from reading your posts.

Sending them back to school is not failing. You’ve got to do what is best for both them and you.

op i’m really concerned for you. Not just because of the exhausting situation you’re in but also for your own financial security from not working for so long. It doesn’t sound like this man supports you in anyway so i’d really recommend getting these kids back in school (and finding a specialist school for the eldest) and getting a job, and then leaving him. His veiws don’t sound compatible with what is best for your family. There was no reason to take your youngest out of school and you all sound very isolated. Stop letting him control your life and stand up for yourself and your kids.

He doesn’t have anyone to speak to because he is a bellend, and that’s on him so you shouldn’t feel the slightest bit bad.

enrol your second child in school.

you are a parent too and you get choices. Sign him up, and send him off. When your dh has a go you say I thought you insisting he be homeschooled too when I said I could not do it meant you would help. Constantly criticising me is NOT help. Clearly you are not helping nor going to help so he is at school. If you don’t like it then feel free to divorce me and I will send him to school since you won’t be a resident parent and we both know hell will freeze over before you actually want to teach either of them.

Personally I think you should contact women's aid for advice. Take care OP

OP what you are doing sounds so hard. Everyone needs some space and time, however limited, to themselves. Everyone needs some companionship and affirmation. And the freedom to do their work away from constant criticism. You have none of those things and you still carry on! And you doubt your right to feel exhausted, sad and drained.

This can't carry on. You have to make changes for your own sake and the sake of your children. This set-up is at best unhelpful. And it's not sustainable.

Practically You need to consider both kids going back to school.

eldest has a diagnosis and hopefully an EHCP, time to look for specialist provisions for them. A year out can make a world of difference for asd kids and they might go back and thrive having taken a much needed break. (I speak from experience here. School refuser, covid break allowed reset then they returned full time) Take your time with this one but certainly seriously consider it. Even part time schooling could be beneficial.

in the short term look for every free activity locally you can. Libraries and museums etc and try to get you and the kids into at least 1 activity a week away from your bellend of a husband . This will get you out of home and with other adults/parents.

youngest needs to go back ASAP. Those links you can form with a new school will keep you sane.

Thanks for all the posts I am surprised with the support. With someone for a decade telling you things it's hard to believe any different. I know none of this is normal but it's still hard for me to not to take full responsibility

Unfortunately my eldest has no EHCP it was refused, which led to him being home schooled after months of school refusal and even coming home for lunchtimes, I tried everything to get him more support at school but they couldn't do what I asked due to lack of staff. He is intelligent too which seems to not help somehow as academically he is not lacking. I assumed this would go in his favour for more support but apparently not. I am definitely going to apply for one again.

Sending DS2 back is something I also want to do as he really enjoys company and others to play with. While I can see ways the experience has helped him I do believe home education isnt and won't be able to fulfil him properly especially longterm.

I'm sorry for what you're going through! I totally understand your position with home Ed as I have kids who are home Ed for exactly the same reason. People saying get an ehcp and special provision and just send the other back do not understand the situation at all!!!!! Often with home Ed it is actually easier for all to be out than just 1 due to timings of groups, day trips, even taking a holiday as you can take advantage of quieter times and cheaper holidays. I also understand how stressful educating a child for whom school doesn't work is! It requires a whole different way of working entirely. People who don't have autistic children who simply won't go to school because they can't do not understand.
Your husband needs a wake up call. Would an ultimatum work? Would you telling him you're not coping with his situation lead him to make changes? He also needs a bed - the sofa isn't a bed and will be contributing to his bad mood and victim feelings, which will inevitably make everything worse. Men LOVE to be the victim! Why doesn't he sleep in the child's bed? When he comes in? Or simply rearrange rooms to accommodate a bed he can sleep in all night - then he doesn't have the excuse of tiredness. You need to make it very clear that his behaviour is abusive and bullying. Is he ND? We have multiple ND children and have come to realize we are probably both ND too and members of both our families are very clearly ND when you start looking! Good luck!!

Do you have any other family who can help. If so I would move nearer to them.
Then you will get some support and some free time. I suspect DH wouldn’t be so keen to work from home if he was home alone as you and DCs were leading a more normal life.

OP your husband is a nutter. Please get out of this situation, this is no way to live.

Agree with poster above re the dh and sleep, whys he sleeping on a couch of there's a bed ds isn't sleeping in? Is there a bed he's not in?
And yes younger ds needs to get back to school!

It sounds to me that your husband is ND and undiagnosed. A PP mentioned womens aid. They maybe be a useful first phone call to get a third party view on your terribly stressful situation. You have been given an impossible task. Don't doubt yourself.

Hello OP. I too would recommend getting the youngest back into school asap. It sounds like you may have to have a stand-off with your husband about it, but stay strong and good luck. If your local primary schools are full, the local authority will find something further away, and you will be able to put him on the waiting lists of the closest schools, and will have the right of appeal. Given your set-up you will have a strong-ish case, unless he's still in year 2, in which case infant class size legislation will apply. But the school year will soon be over, and in year 3 it'll be a whole different ballgame.

An EHCP may not secure your eldest a place in a special school. More and more, SEN kids are expected to be accommodated in mainstream schools, due to lack of money. It sounds like he's high-functioning as well. Only you will know if he will manage in mainstream. Your local authority will have a SENDIASS department who will be able to advise, including how to get the EHC assessment going if you do want one.

Ultimately, I'd say you need to make drastic changes, and I'd brace myself for a lot of conflict with your husband in order to make them happen. But, as I say, stay strong and good luck.

Your partner is controlling. Has that ever crossed your mind before? Are they any aspects of your relationship where you don’t feel he holds the control?

Have rarely seen a more clearly laid out example of a man who wants to control a woman to try and make him feel better about his own problems.
You need to start with actually believing you matter as much as him. Your opinions are as important as his. Your life and happiness are as important as his. Then work out what you need and tell him.
He will not cope with this.

The best strategy for someone who blames you for everything is to stick to statements about how you feel. What you think, rather than blaming him, as statements about your own feelings are much harder to argue with.
You will need to repeat endlessly that you disagree with him. You are not stupid. Your thoughts matter. He is not your boss. You can’t make him happy however hard you try so why try?

I wish you happiness.

Op your husband is cutting you and your children off from the world. This seems like abuse. He is creating a situation that you are so locked in that you can't go to anyone for help. He is increasing your workload so you don't have time to think.

Here would be my plan if I were you:

1. start communicating with any family or friends you have. Do not highlight this to your husband.

2. Find a women shelter/ support group

3. enrol your second child back in school

4. Check how much benefits support you can get as a single women

You need a bit of room to breathe and think about what you want to do with your life.

This is awful abuse of you and your children. Your post has really upset me.

Go to the local school today and ask about registering DS2. He could start after Easter.

Not much to add to previous good advice here, but your DH’s behaviour is controlling and abusive even if he turns out to be autistic himself, and is not being like this out of malice. Even if he doesn’t mean to be abusive.

He won’t change, he won’t ’get it’, he won’t suddenly develop the ability to empathise or see anyone else’s perspective. You need to look after yourself and your DC.

You’re ds2’s parent. You can enrol him at a school. You don’t have to ask your abusive controlling partner.