Feel like I have a third child SAHP

[Mumtoboys1]

I have 2 kids 7+9, I haven't worked since having kids since my eldest diagnosed ASD at age 4 and haven't found work/been able to keep work since. Their dad works from home. Last year we made big decision to home educate our eldest due to him not managing at mainstream school. And then it was their dads idea to also take DS2 out too, even though at the time I said I knew I couldn't manage it and I don't think it would work based on DS1 needs, but it always seems to be his decision I can't make him budge.

So have now been home educating 2 kids since last year and it has been horrendous, like I said their dad works from home and is ALWAYS here. And worst of all doesn't help out at all. Even though it was his decision to take DS2 out of school when I clearly said it would be too much for me. I could accept this if he was out at work all day, but having someone here while I'm doing everything is infuriating. It's not even like it's long hours. All the while he will tell me I'm not doing my job properly and I need to facilitate an environment so he can be the best he can be. While I appreciate he's doing something while I can't I just can't cope with the set up. No one comes round to the house because it just doesn't work and it all feels so lonely. He doesn't even offer to take the kids out even on a walk so I can clean the house in peace or have a minute to myself. It's so hard to keep on top of everything and with someone criticising the whole time isn't easy

He sleeps on the couch due to eldest ending up in the bed most nights so I can't even wake up early and have some time to myself because he's there.
I honestly wouldn't mind this so much if he was out. But because he's constantly here and most of the time stressed and angry with a short fuse blaming me for everything I feel I'm always walking on eggshells.
I'm exhausted most days and he doesn't seem to understand why, he thinks because I'm a woman and a mother that I'm supposed to be able to do it all with a smile on my face with no issues. He's told me he doesn't respect me as a mother. While he does nothing at all. I feel like I have a third child most of the time.
I guess this is just a rant to see if anyone else feels similar or am I being a baby about all this.

This. ND or not, what your husband is doing is coercive control, which is illegal. He's reduced your and your children's worlds right down. The constant stream of berating has had the desired effect (to make you doubt yourself in everything), but not yet completely. He's setting you up to fail (probably deliberately), every day. And this set-up is damaging your children every day.

This is really disturbing OP, he’s trying to isolate both you and your children. You need to get out.

So basically an abusive controlling twat time to get yourself and your kids out of there and get them in school there will be somewhere for your eldest. Your youngest needs friends and a life. He's basically got you living in his cage.

In regards to the sleeping situation he says he prefers it how it is except he would rather a bed so maybe a pull out couch bed would be better. But we both agree we couldn't go back to sleeping in same bed together. I'm just exhausted with the amount of stuff I'm expected to do especially while he is physically here himself busy or not. The things he does is most of the time gets the shopping and occasionally he will help with eldest when he is in a rage over games ect because he plays games too so is better than me in that aspect.

I just wish he would at least take the kids out or help out at home more. I've said so many times how helpful it would be for me to just have a bit of time alone in my own house even to just clean it's a nightmare having to clean round people even him. But it seems like I'm fighting a losing battle.

In terms of the controlling aspect I don't think he is necessarily controlling, he won't tell me I can't do something it's just most of the time it's easier not to cause I know what he will be like.hes highly critical and judgemental for even the TV shows I've chosen to watch, to a point where I dont see the point no more. Thats why I've always felt it's my fault. If I was a stronger person maybe it wouldn't be this way. I just feel crazy most of the time and don't trust my thinking and decisions so as a byproduct of this I trust his.

Google Cassandra Syndrome, or Ongoing Traumatic Relationship syndrome. You question your thinking and wonder if you are crazy in relationships like this where you are emotionally abused. That is part of the dynamic.

He is controlling. He’s telling you all the time that everything you do is wrong, essentially because you are not an exact extension of him.

This is not your fault. But you have been essentially groomed to think it is. It will not change. He won’t hear you / listen to you / care. He won’t do anything to make your life easier. It is up to you how long you want to be in this situation with someone who wears your sense of self down to a nub.

It is controlling he is a typical abuser making you feel it's just easier, not worth it etc just shows how well he has manipulated you.....your boys are learning that this is how you treat women.
Do you get time off to do your hobbies like he does gaming....
He shops whoopie that's so he can control it and is an hour's job a week he's a lazy sod too.

OP this is horrendous your husband is controlling you and has not only isolated you but your children. As a mum of 3 kids one who is autistic and has ADHD I cannot even begin to imagine how exhausted mentally, physically and emotionally you are. In lockdown I had to home school my child with ASD/ADHD and it was hell. I was broken by the end of the first lockdown. DH was also working from home and actually is quite hands on but having him at home working is another stress in itself. The middle child most likely has ADHD to. They all go to school. I had to move ds1 in early primary to an enhanced provision school and it was a great decision. He is intelligent, does well academically and quite articulate but still got lots of support and does really well in school. Your child is diagnosed and legally the schools have to provide support or it's disability discrimination.

You need to put your foot down and put your kids back into school. This is non negotiable you are entitled to have a decent quality of life and up to children are entitled to be part of society which right now it doesn't sound like they are. They don't go to school, don't go to extra curricular activities because there dad doesn't let them. You don't go to work, you don't have a nice life because your husband won't let you.

Leave him he is destroying you and your kids

They don’t have to explicitly say no to be controlling. Instead they can very successfully use manipulation (like criticism, sulking, making your life difficult when you don’t do what they think you should) to control you.

I wonder If this is why I'm so exhausted because of the mental strain if this is abusive or controlling seems crazy to say or think I just automatically go to say well I need to act different and think better and things will be better, these last few days I've been actually knackered couldn't even stand up doing the dinner for the last 2 nights or the dishes.
I didn't realise it could still be a form of control if they don't specifically stop you or say no you can't. It all just feels easier as I don't feel I should have to explain myself as to why I'm watching a TV show for example. Just becomes easier to do Nothing.

Thanks for all the replies and support my first priority is getting kids back in school or some kind of education that works and definitely some more groups, I'm always in a better mood when involved in things

If you google domestic abuse charity and your county it will show you local charities who can support you. You can also do the freedom programme online for a small fee. Both of these things will help you to better understand if your relationship is abusive.

Thanks a lot for making it feel normal but also sorry for your stress! Enhanced provision is something I've not heard of

You are not being unreasonable. Please please know that the way you and your children are being treated is NOT OK.

for their sake, you need a longer term plan to get out. This isn’t a marriage, your husband doesn’t even share a bed with you, it isn’t a partnership, he doesn’t help you, it isn’t companionship, he gives you only stress and criticism. His physical presence just causes more stress.

So you need a plan. I would also be very very careful whilst you plan your escape as controlling men can turn dangerous when they feel they are losing their power. I would get ducks in a row first, without discussing your end goal. Kids back in school, both of them. If eldest needs more support or provision to make this possible, then push again harder for that. They both need to be in school so you can get a job and start to earn. This is the key to your independence and freedom.

if school for oldest really is a no go then go get advice on which benefits you could access if you left your husband; womens aid or similar may be a good starting point to advise on how to get yourself set up elsewhere whilst you have no independent income.

There is light at the end of the tunnel, you can do this, just stay safe and get yourself away from this bully.

I don't have experience or advice but I just wanted to offer support and reiterate that your feelings are valid here and that this is an awful situation for you and your kids to be in.

He is controlling. Not outright so that you're aware but with pressure over time so you don't realise how much of yourself you have lost.

Some of the things you've said of him suggest he also has some neurodivergence and this is affecting your lives. It is not good to be such a tight family unit and only see each other. Was it like that before Covid? It looks like you are still in lockdown.

I can see why perhaps home schooling your eldest is the best option but your youngest should be in school. He needs to perhaps join an activity too. Reboot his social drive. Does he have ability to go into the office?

Having said that, it sounds like he sees himself as a victim of life. Sleeping on the sofa is not good for him. He will tell you he has all theee pressures providing for the family but it works for neither of you and you would both be happier if he didn't have to.

You also don't have to make him into the best he can be. That's his job and him saying it really irked me. He's making you a passenger in your own life while he makes all the decisions as provider.

Yes!

I am so sorry OP but none of what you describe in your original post is normal. It is very difficult for us as a family to have a day to day "normal" life in the sense that certain situations are not accessible to my child with ASD (soft play, loud parties, school assemblies, discos, meals out etc) because my son can't cope with these situations no matter how many adaptions could be made but having the support of a good school who understands my son's needs has meant he does get an education, does have a little group of lovely friends and does do some extra curricular activities (football, golf, boardgame nights) etc so day to day life is as normal as possible. My middle child though his needs are far less still struggles a lot in a different way but goes to school and thrives there.

Scotland has enhanced provision schools. They are schools which have a full Additional support needs base and staff team within a mainstream school. The children are generally educated in the classroom with their class but if the child's needs mean that's not possible they have sensory rooms, quiet areas, staff to work with kids in small groups. They offer little learning clubs particularly for younger children. My eldest started P1 not able to cope in a classroom at all and had loads of PSA support by P7 he is fully in the classroom working with minimal PSA support. The school and we taught him coping strategies, how to embrace being autistic and how many positives there are. As far as I know about 50 percent of the kids in the school are nuerodivergent which is fabulous. I am not sure where you are located but most council regions in the country have some type of additional needs provision school in each region.

OP please contact Woman's aid they will help you and maybe able to support you getting your kids into the right school and yourself out of this situation. He is abusing you and now your children.

OP I would never say this lightly; clearly you need to leave this man. He is toxic.

Perhaps the first step you can take right now though is this: the criticism only works if you listen to it and give it headspace. The moment you start ignoring it, it loses most of its power.

OP, you'll feel much better if you start changing some of the things that are in your control. It sounds overwhelming at the moment but you have power. Sending your youngest back to school will be a catalyst for other changes. I doubt you need dh's permission to do that.