Experienced SAHMs, please help me find meaning

[afternoonbiscuit]

I am a full-time SAHM to my 12-month-old DS and intend to remain a SAHM, though hopefully with some part-time work later down the line. DH and I would like two more children so I will be in the thick of it for some time! This is very much a choice - I could work if I wanted to and I love my field but I want to do this for my children. My mother was a SAHM to me and my twin sister and I always appreciated that and never once considered that I wouldn’t do the same.

But it is SO HARD!!! I adore my boy but life at home with a baby is so difficult. The nap and bedtime battles, the 3+ wakeups every night (which I deal with alone because we bedshare and he is attached to my nipples), the interrupted evenings, the hysterical nappy and outfit changes, the never-ending cooking and mess, the food rejection, pram rejection, the constant split attention, the separation anxiety and constant need to hold or distract or entertain him. The sheer relentlessness of it! And it can be so dull, monotonous and horribly lonely. I don’t think working mothers have it easier but I feel like if I got breaks from him it might be easier to tolerate and I might enjoy him more. Many days I’m just in survival mode and waiting to get to bedtime. Often I feel I hate my life and that I’ve never been so unfulfilled, which makes me feel guilty and disappointed.

I should add that DH is very helpful when he’s home, but he has a busy job and a part-time degree to finish, plus tends to defer to me a lot as the primary caregiver. DS is also just at an age where he wants me all the time… I think our setup makes it harder too: I got pregnant just as we had to move country due to war, so we have moved three times since then and had no things or network when DS was born and are still trying to furnish our flat, buy clothes etc. I have no family or friends in the area. I’m learning to drive, which I think will help as I feel very confined to our neighbourhood in London and the same old activities every week.

I also find the loss of my identity hard, now that I don’t have much time for work, hobbies, leisure or socialising. It’s like everything I had before motherhood has been stripped from me. DS and I are visiting my parents with my sister at the moment and they ask each other lots of questions and talk about DS but they don’t ask me anything, because I suppose there’s nothing going on in my life beyond DS. It makes me feel invisible. DH has his work, colleagues, his degree, lots of baby-free time at work/study/commuting/business trips, gets to go out to dinners and events etc, and I’m so glad he has that, but it also brings home to me how narrow and lonely my life is by comparison. I feel like his life has continued while mine is on pause.

I love my son and I’m determined to stay home with him but I regularly feel down and lost. I think I’m a good mother, so my issue is more with how I feel. How do you find purpose in your life? (Oddly motherhood doesn’t give me the sense of achievement that professional accomplishments do). How do you make being a SAHM feel more fulfilling? How do you make it more fun? I would love to hear any tips!

Hi Op

yes it is hard!
mine are all grown up now but I look back on that time fondly (perhaps through rose tinted specs) but I know how exhausting and thankless it is

my suggestions would be-
improve your sleep- assuming your ds is eating proper food in the day, he doesn't need to bf at night, so I would be night weaning and then slowly phasing out the co sleeping. Your DP should help with this. I know some fathers in your situation claim a greater need for sleep as they are working outside the home, but you are working too, your need for rest is just as great.

you do need your own time and again your DP needs to step up here- find an activity you enjoy, preferably a social one, that you can do in the evenings or at weekends when your DP is at home (again a 1 year old can manage without bf for a few hours)

look at how you spend the time with your baby. This I think may be harder now than 30 years ago. But what made this time OK for me was finding a group of like-minded mothers in the same situation as myself. As it happened this was through NCT which then was a much more local, grassroots affair. So the baby/toddler groups I went to did offer mutual support around being a mother but we also discussed current affairs/politics etc etc - I can't stress enough the difference this made to me

In terms of working/earning when my DC were toddlers/preschoolers I childminded, to begin with on a very casual basis, but it did bring in some income while I was still looking after my own DC and tbh was not a lot of extra work- again I think this would be harder now with OFSTED etc.

good luck!

Maybe this isn't what you want to hear, but honestly it sounds like you need to work, at least part time. Don't feel a moment's shame in admitting that being SAHP isn't what you expected. Or at least do something else - a course, some volunteering. Your DS will not suffer if you put him in part time childcare, he will gain independence, socialising skills, and it will make the time you do spend with him more special as it's not constant. You are also protecting yourself by working, it is risky being financially reliant on someone else, and you are holding your own career back.

I don't overly see the point or benefit in being a SAHM if you don't enjoy it, find it fulfilling or have to through necessity.

It certainly won't be a benefit for you or your child.

Why is it you are so determined to be a SAHP? It sounds like it is making you miserable? You really sound like someone who would benefit from working, and that is a perfectly valid choice too.

It seems like you've set yourself all these rules - must be a SAHM, have 3 DC - in the abstract, regardless of whether they actually suit you in reality. You don't have to be a SAHM just because your mum was and you can wait and see if you want 3 DC or if it's not for you and you'd rather go back to work sooner. There's zero shame in changing your mind and trying out other arrangements that might make you happier. Men largely get to carry on their lives with the bonus of DC while women are meant to make this big switch and be glad of it, but as it turns out, you've got a lot to deal with, you're not finding it fulfilling, and need to get your life/identity/sleep back before spiralling further.

You haven't mentioned finances but could you put him in nursery or with a childminder one day a week? Please do not martyr yourself over needing to be with him 24/7 because plenty of women work and use childcare. I am a long term sahm and I did put my child into nursery for one day. Several reasons, social interaction with other children without me there, it was close to Dh's work so he would both take him and collect him. I got a day to blitz the house, laundry, shopping and some me time without a child always looking to me.

Dh had a lie in on a Saturday to a particular time and I got the same on the Sunday meaning Ds got one on one time with Dh which was really important for them both. It did mean Dh felt really comfortable with Ds and didn't need to default to me. The same with bed time routine, one of us would run the bath the other would be preparing pyjamas, nappy so it wasn't always me, me, me.

Being a sahm is hard, boring and monotonous at times as you are finding out. You need to start prioritising yourself in all of this. Find hobbies that take you out of the house (try searching online for meet ups etc). Your Dh's life has continued because you facilitate it, it is his turn to facilitate this for you too.

You kinda have to knock something down in order to build something new OP. You became a mum just over a year ago and it’s a huge identity shift. There might be some growing pains too… and yes, no one tells you that but the shift happens to you and not your DH. You will find your path, OP. Soon enough you will learn what you want. Either to have a part time/full time job to keep you sane or how to fill those long days with your child. First year is the most brutal. You will get more and more breathing space as you go along. You will miss that girl that you saw in the mirror before you became a mom but soon enough you will see a different person there and you will get to know her.

Might sound silly but what helps me is to romanticise my day, take things snail slow, spend more time outdoors and find ways to include my kiddos into everything I do (like cooking, cleaning etc). Personally, I wouldn’t jump into weaning/stopping co-sleeping/nursery straight away. I spent almost 2 years co sleeping with my DS and everyone around me made me feel like I’m failing him and myself for it. However now I have a happy and healthy 6 year old that doesn’t need me to sleep with him anymore. There’s no more sweet baby cuddles, no more snuggling into my neck. Occasionally maybe if he had a bad dream. Now I have my 18 month old DD and I enjoy every second of those cuddles, I look at her tiny nose, hands and little nails and sniff her head whenever I can.

I think reading books like ‘How to speak so that little kids listen’ also helps. I feel like I spend more time working on myself then trying to fix my children’s behaviour haha it’s hard - all these voices in your head about achieving things, doing this and that, comparing yourself to friends or social media mums… in the end of the day, this chapter will be over before you know it and the only thing you can do is try and enjoy as much as you can. Good luck, OP! You’ve got it.

OP please stop doing this to yourself, you’re utterly miserable! Sorry to say but it will get much harder with multiple children too.
what outcomes do you think there will be for your son that will have made this all worth it? My parents worked full time and we are very close, as is my best friend to her parents where her mum stayed home.
I have 3 young children (oldest 5) and work part time, it’s a happy medium and I think it could work for you. Almost all parents make huge sacrifices for their children one way or another, but they shouldn’t come at the expense of your entire identity/happiness.

Sorry, I'm another who doesn't see why you have to martyr yourself to be a SAHM. Some people it suits, some people it doesn't. I worked in the mornings when my dd was small and she loved going to nursery and we had wonderful afternoons together. Win-win

Working part time was the answer for me. I work two days and love the balance, and really enjoy my days with the kids.

Sorry, I'm another one who thinks you're pointlessly martyring yourself. Some people love being at home FT with small DC, but just as many or more hate it or just aren't suited to it. There's no shame in admitting SAH isn't what you thought it would be or what you want. And god knows there is no point in trashing your career with 7+ years at home you're hating.

Oh you sounds like you have a lot going on, adjusting to motherhood while fleeing war. I have been a SAHM for 18months and it is not what I expected. I think I have concluded that my mental health is better when I work, however for various reasons it’s not right to start back yet. I do some voluntary work just now which helps, but the main thing is to see this as my job. When I don’t feel like sorting the laundry etc all day long then I remind myself it’s my job, and I do it so I can be more available to them at other times.

Like others have said, you don’t need to do it this way, but it sounds like you want to try and make it work. So I’d suggest trying lots of groups til you find ones you love. Help out at any of them if you want to, having a role and purpose helps. Find all the mum friends you can, especially ones you can moan with. Anyone who tells you everything is easy, swerve.

I also think you need to talk to your DH about how you’re feeling. In my view you are full time with child but outside DH work things should be pretty 50/50. He needs to help you have the odd hobby or activity just for you, every week. If child doesn’t want him, don’t just go with that - let them work it out together and it’ll strengthen their relationship. If his life hasn’t changed much then that needs to change.

You are not your mother. It's okay to live your life as you want and it's all very well to say you want 3 kids when they don't exist. It's also okay to take the decision one baby at a time.

Basically take a step back from your 5/10 year plan and ask yourself if it's what you actually want and need (you not your kids or your husband). It's okay to change your mind.

Otherwise you need to find your tribe. Try some activities that you go to regularly and find some other like-minded SAHMs. The days will go far quicker in the company of other adults.

I second others who say you should work part time. You're not enjoying staying at home motherhood, you're being a martyr to yourself by forcing yourself through it. It won't be enjoyable for neither you or your son.

Do you also have any friends locally? A great support network of mum friends is a godsend.

You have choices - I have a friend who was determined to be a SAHP like her Mum - she is now 8 years down the line and has through the years retrained at uni and is working a career that she is happy with - she couldn’t stick at being a SAHP.
Another where her husband became the SAHP due to finances (she was the higher earner)

and another who was determined to return to work and hasn’t as she loved being a SAHP

Give yourself time to work out what makes you happy!

When I went back to work after maternity leave I found that I actually started enjoying and looking forward to the time I had with DS.

If you’re not enjoying being a SAHM, it’s not really working for you. There’s no shame in admitting it might not be for you… I definitely wouldn’t be able to do it, I’d go insane.

If you did decide to work part time it’s an entry back into the normal world, you’ll meet new people, speak to other adults, have a coffee in peace..

Lots of sensible advice here. There is just no point in being a SAHP if you don't enjoy it.

As the child of a SAHM who felt very unfulfilled and regretted "wasting" her many talents, I would have been much happier as a kid if my mum had just gone out and got a job. And tbh, I wouldn't have to deal with the impact of her regrets all these years later.

Being a SAHP is a completely valid choice if it works for you and your family, but if it isn't working for you, there is really no benefit in sticking to it. A happy parent is usually a more effective parent.

I agree with pp that it's good to reassess your priorities and whether being a sahm is the right choice for you. It isn't for everyone and that's fine.

If you are in London there are plenty of opportunities for interesting activities as an adult where you can bring your baby with you, and there shouldn't be any need to drive. I am a sahm and I regularly enjoy going on guided history walks for mothers and babies, pub quizzes, comedy shows, theatre shows, restaurants and art exhibitions. There will also probably be a gym with creche near you so you can get some exercise while the baby is cared for, or you can just use the spa! You can also use the tube and buses to get around to other activities for the baby. Sometimes it's nice not to be stuck with just the local activities and there are so many nice child-friendly museums and tourist attractions which makes it a bit more interesting for you.

I am doing an OU course p/t which helps me feel more fulfilled and keeps a bit of my identity, though we don't use childcare so I just work on it when the baby sleeps (so it relies on baby sleeping well, or DH taking over to deal with her when she wakes).

There are all sorts of support groups too which would help, I'm sure there would be one for your country which would help you establish a network with people who you can identify with.

OP I am struck by the line about your mum being a sahm and "never once considered that I wouldn’t do the same"

Perhaps you SHOULD have considered an alternative as it does seem as if it is making you miserable. Not everyone is suited to it and in your shoes I would be looking at going back to work. It could be more damaging to your relationship with your dc not to.

Why punish yourself by insisting you have to be SAHM? Do what makes you happy and feel fulfilled!

As a SAHP there is no external validation, which can be quite a shock if you've come from a structured career background before children.
You need intrinsic motivation to enjoy being a SAHP. I'm a SAHM but I wouldn't be if I wasn't enjoying it. I would go back to work if I wasn't finding this fulfilling on the whole, and there's nothing wrong with that.

What I have found helpful is to structure my weeks around activities I enjoy - for me that's nature based/creative but it could be anything. I get a lot of fulfilment from enjoying those activities alongside my DC.

I know some days as a sahm are utterly shit, and totally get what survival mode looks like, but also found plenty of joy and purpose. Working outside the home can be a bit like that too sometimes, but the difference is you 1)get paid even when you get no joy and 2) you can sign off (or quit completely)

you DO need something outside of parenting to provide balance and get a break to avoid burnout, just like you would with a paid job. Your ‘break’ could be paid work (I worked 1-2 days a month from 18 mos - 3 years, and that was enough for me ),or it could be a hobby or a social plan. I took up sewing / dressmaking and it was great from the perspective of I could fit it in to little pockets of time when children were napping - even 15-30mins is enough to make tangible progress on a project. It provided me with a sense of accomplishment, gave me something to think about during tedious moments when my child needed me physically but not mentally, and there were lots of social connections available both online and in person through workshops, etc. I also dabbled in various other arts/ crafts, gardening, etc.

you also need to be intentional about reframing your mindset. During really difficult stretches I would always start the day identifying what I was looking forward to, and finish the day reflecting on what was good. Sometimes there was more to look forward to/ feel grateful for than others, but I tried to make sure I started and ended on a positive note. The stretch you are in at the moment sounds tough, but it won’t last forever or even very long - there will be plenty of stretches where it feels easier and the joy is more obvious.

I'm a sahm, have been for over 5 years and while it's hard to/ exhausting etc I absolutely love it and find it incredibly rewarding and full of joy. You should work part time by the sounds of things. You need to be happy. It's sad you feel 'determined' to be a sahm, it honestly shouldn't feel like a punishment or something to be endured. As your child gets older he'll pick up on your unhappiness. Find a job or do some volunteering or something.

Following OP. I'm also a SAHM and plan to be so for the forseeable. It's not 100% my preference but my job was very full on, intense, lots of exams and out of hours etc. and I just don't think I can be good at my job and a good mother at the same time. DH works from home and helps a lot still during his working day but I'm beginning to feel quite bored and purposeless. I'm also a non driver which I think holds us back, both literally in what we can access but also mentally in terms of feeling confined and a little trapped. I've made really nice mum friends but I'm not sure it helps completely. DH keeps suggesting I find a hobby or go out and do some things alone but I don't know where to start. My job before was so all consuming that I genuinely am not sure I know who I am or what I like! Not helpful I know, but please know you're not alone X

Being a sahm is only worth it if you enjoy it. It's much harder than the majority of jobs let's not best around the bush. Relentless. Not very fulfilling, no pay, no days off, no time to be sick no holidays.