Experienced SAHMs, please help me find meaning

[afternoonbiscuit]

I am a full-time SAHM to my 12-month-old DS and intend to remain a SAHM, though hopefully with some part-time work later down the line. DH and I would like two more children so I will be in the thick of it for some time! This is very much a choice - I could work if I wanted to and I love my field but I want to do this for my children. My mother was a SAHM to me and my twin sister and I always appreciated that and never once considered that I wouldn’t do the same.

But it is SO HARD!!! I adore my boy but life at home with a baby is so difficult. The nap and bedtime battles, the 3+ wakeups every night (which I deal with alone because we bedshare and he is attached to my nipples), the interrupted evenings, the hysterical nappy and outfit changes, the never-ending cooking and mess, the food rejection, pram rejection, the constant split attention, the separation anxiety and constant need to hold or distract or entertain him. The sheer relentlessness of it! And it can be so dull, monotonous and horribly lonely. I don’t think working mothers have it easier but I feel like if I got breaks from him it might be easier to tolerate and I might enjoy him more. Many days I’m just in survival mode and waiting to get to bedtime. Often I feel I hate my life and that I’ve never been so unfulfilled, which makes me feel guilty and disappointed.

I should add that DH is very helpful when he’s home, but he has a busy job and a part-time degree to finish, plus tends to defer to me a lot as the primary caregiver. DS is also just at an age where he wants me all the time… I think our setup makes it harder too: I got pregnant just as we had to move country due to war, so we have moved three times since then and had no things or network when DS was born and are still trying to furnish our flat, buy clothes etc. I have no family or friends in the area. I’m learning to drive, which I think will help as I feel very confined to our neighbourhood in London and the same old activities every week.

I also find the loss of my identity hard, now that I don’t have much time for work, hobbies, leisure or socialising. It’s like everything I had before motherhood has been stripped from me. DS and I are visiting my parents with my sister at the moment and they ask each other lots of questions and talk about DS but they don’t ask me anything, because I suppose there’s nothing going on in my life beyond DS. It makes me feel invisible. DH has his work, colleagues, his degree, lots of baby-free time at work/study/commuting/business trips, gets to go out to dinners and events etc, and I’m so glad he has that, but it also brings home to me how narrow and lonely my life is by comparison. I feel like his life has continued while mine is on pause.

I love my son and I’m determined to stay home with him but I regularly feel down and lost. I think I’m a good mother, so my issue is more with how I feel. How do you find purpose in your life? (Oddly motherhood doesn’t give me the sense of achievement that professional accomplishments do). How do you make being a SAHM feel more fulfilling? How do you make it more fun? I would love to hear any tips!

Sorry if this isn't what you want to hear, but why can't you work 2-3 days a week as a compromise? My little one got so much out of nursery I don't see why anyone wouldn't give them that opportunity if they can.

You'll have a bit of a break from your DC, opportunity to feel more like yourself, your DC will learn to make relationships with other adults and children and learn and experience a lot more than what you can offer at home, plus you'll have extra money for holidays and days out.

I get people being SAHP when they can't afford childcare or absolutely love spending all their time with toddlers and hats off to them if that's the case. But it doesn't have to be for everyone and you can still have the closest bond with your kids, and show them mum can do both!

Hope you feel better soon.

I know this is a SAHP thread but honestly it sounds like part time work maybe really good for you.

I went back 2 days a week and I love the balance it gives me. At work people even make me cups of tea and I get to go out at lunchtime. Is this something you would consider?

Don't stick to something just because it's what you always expected to do if it doesn't feel right.

Sorry for the slow reply, everyone!

Thank you for all your helpful and thoughtful comments. And your concern! They’ve given me a lot to think about these last few days and gave me some ideas:

1. What I need most is more time to myself. I have literally had only a few moments alone this last year and on those occasions I felt so much better after recharging my batteries a little. DH and I have fallen into a rhythm where I am always the lead parent, so that when we are all together I am still mainly in charge of DS’s sleep, food, schedule etc. For example, in the evenings I always go to DS when he wakes up, and I get him to sleep for all his naps and bedtime. DH and I need to change this so that it’s more equal (and it’s not DH’s fault, it’s me as much as him). DH gets half of Sundays to study, so I could have half of Saturdays to do some work or just rest / do a hobby and then we spend afternoons together. When he’s home from work before DS’s bedtime he can put him to sleep without my help/boobies, even if DS doesn’t like it at first. Evenings have always been off limits for me but now I’m thinking I should allow myself to go out sometimes. I just found an evening sewing class I’d love to try, for example. DS can survive without me and milk for a few hours! I think a bit of time and the hobbies/work I can do in that time will make me feel more like myself again.
2. I have been socially isolated for some time now because of a lot of moving and other upheaval in recent years, and having a baby only exacerbated that. I spend most of my time during the week alone with DS. We go to baby classes and the gym where I chat to other mothers, but haven’t found that those exchanges have led to anything resembling friendship. I think I should make a big effort here and find ways to meet more people (and other SAHMs - I know none), but also reconnect with friends and colleagues I lost touch with in recent years.
3. Try an attitude shift. You offered some really good tips on this: romanticising my day, seeing this as my job, consciously thinking of what I’m looking forward to in the day and what I’m grateful for. I think I should also try to be more silly (with myself and DS) and not take things too seriously, i.e. don’t stress if he’s refusing to nap or if the lunch I made him is a bit crap.
4. Plan the week a little differently: take things slow, get outside more, plan things that I enjoy rather than just doing baby things. I love antiquing, for example, and could try to do that with DS, especially once I can drive. Going into central London is something I don’t do often just because I’ve found it tough with DS, but he is getting older and might be easier to do that with now.
5. Sleep - I don’t feel ready to night wean or stop co-sleeping and contact napping yet, but I know life will definitely feel better when he doesn’t wake as much in the night or need me so intensely for sleep. We just bought a floor bed for him though so will start practicing a snail slow transition to that. Even if it takes a year at least we’re taking the first step.
6. I’m also listening to all of you who suggested part-time work! This is something I have been planning to do eventually, but I don’t want to put DS in a formal childcare setting until he’s closer to 2/2.5. But I think I should look at our budget to see if we could swing a nanny for a morning or two a week until then, so I could do a bit of work from home. I will also try to carve out more free time with DH’s help to work a bit. I also thought I might reach out to the museum I used to do tours at to see if I could give a few tours a month there, then I’d have a professional outlet to look forward to each month and have some other adults to talk to.

Sorry this post is so long! But I’m feeling better now that I have some practical ideas to try out - thank you, everyone. I’m afraid my original post made it sound like I’m forcing myself to stay home because I feel I ought to and because my mother did it, which is not the case. I very much want to be home with DS and wouldn’t want to work full-time while I have small children. Actually I shouldn’t have titled this as a search for meaning, because looking after him gives me more meaning and joy than anything else I’ve ever done. But that meaning comes mixed in with a whole lot of exhaustion, monotony and isolation, and the joy is not constant, so on an average day I often don’t feel that sense of purpose actively. Can anyone else relate? It’s hard to explain. Knowing one has a purpose and yet often not feeling it…

I also don’t see myself as a martyr because I want to stick at something I find hard. Raising DS at home is important to me and DH and I want to work through the difficulties that doing this brings. Someone mentioned needing intrinsic motivation to be a SAHM - I see this as being intrinsically motivated, being prepared to do something you find valuable even though it causes you quite a bit of suffering. But on some level I think this happens to all parents, not just SAHPs! If I were truly miserable, depressed or resenting DS then this would be another story though.

Finally: any book recommendations? I’ve heard of Erica Komisar’s Being There (about the value of being as present as possible with under-3s) and a book called Torn in Two (about how motherhood can be a source of both pain and pleasure), but would love to hear of any other suggestions!

I’m really glad you’ve managed to have a good think OP.

Instead of a nanny you could also consider a local childminder. It’s still a homely environment but the advantage is that DS would be out of the house (easier for everyone than if you’re in the house but the nanny is looking after him). And also he would get to know a couple of other children.

After being a SAHM for 8years, my only advice is DO NOT be financially reliant in anyone else. Even if you work a few hours a week, you need your independence.

Hi OP, have you read the book "What mothers do" by Naomi Stadlen?

How are you getting on now OP? I really related to your posts, although mine are much older now.

I was a SAHM for six years, from when my eldest was just-turned three to when my youngest was five and in Year one. The first year or two were the hardest. I tried to look at it like any other job I had - some days were amazing, some were awful, but most were somewhere in between! My eldest is a teenager now and I can safely say I have no regrets about the time I was at home with them.

I hope you've settled into the role more and are finding your groove. Children change so much at that age, that time seems to both fly and drag at the same time hey!

Spot on and OP's experience and feelings are normal. Exhaustion, loss of identity, me time, bathing, nappy changes etc etc etc

This and my CM was totally amazing, an absolute gift

I was a SAHM for 4 children 5 years and under. I loved every minute of it but I did have the support of my mum and dad you haven't mentioned grandparents so I assume you don't have any family members can give you a break. I also didn't breast feed that made things easier. If you don't want to go back to work think of sending to a childminder a couple of days so you get sometime for yourself.

You poor poor thing! Everything resonates with me. It does getter better but in about ten years (then yours will all be a decent age)

The only thing I can say is accept this is your new reality - I know in many ways it’s a poorer one than prior to having children but that is the sacrifice we make to have children. You will get used to things but it can take a good few years to forget your life before children.

in your shoes I would absolutely find a regular baby sitter who you can use going forward and get yourself out on dates etc or just out for some Me time

Your DC will not thank you for staying at home and being miserable. If you go back to work part time you will be able to get that satisfaction and stimulation you got from your job, while also having time with your DC. You will also get to keep your career. If you're fully out of the workplace for 10 years with 3 DC, you will most likely never get back into your previous career. Sounds harsh but it's important to be aware of the consequences of your decisions now.

The main thing that got me through maternity leave was going to baby groups. I found a different one for each morning and made friends there. These are still my friends now. When you have the next babies, try to go to these.

Hi OP,

I’ve been a SAHM for 7 years (DCs 6 & 3).

Here’s a few ideas:

• Structure your day/week carefully to balance play/trips out/home jobs, etc. I still have a daily/weekly checklist like when I was working.
• I agree that learning to drive will help, I enjoy driving mine to a wider variety of places.
• Try to keep something for you (this becomes easier as your DC gets older and you get more sleep/time). For me, this is reading, weekly swim alone and being a school governor.
• Try to establish new friendships. I found this really difficult, as attendance at baby/toddler groups is so sporadic. It’s actually been easier on the school run, I’ve realised 1 Mum reads all the same authors/books as me, so that is lovely to chat about.
• Conversations with others- I always ask ‘how’s your family?’ Or get in first and ask them about upcoming holidays/home projects/books/TV/films/music/etc . I actually enjoy hearing mine talk about their jobs (feels less awkward as you relax more into your new role).
• There are some fab books with excellent, simple ideas to try at home, eg ‘5 Minute Mum’ by Daisy Upton.
• Try and have fun! Be silly! Tickle your child, read silly stories, as they get older have a kitchen disco (we play Black Lace songs, my DH has often come home to us all doing Aga Doo, Superman, etc 😂), play hide and seek.

You really can make this role whatever you want it to be, you are your own boss and there is great freedom in that. I wish you well 😊

Sahm here. I would have found it hard but we were out and about a lot: playgrounds/mum groups/library/soft play/food shop/walking. We went out every day, often morning and afternoon. That way it didn't get tedious and I felt active, DS1+2 loved it and I had mums to chat with.

You need to make some other mum friends so you can have playdates and also do some baby/toddler activites for both of you. Are there any playgroups? It could be a good idea when your DC is slightly older to do two mornings a week at a nursery or something and increase it from there. If you don't have any other help and it's just you without a break you will go mental. Being a SAHM is relentless, but it is rewarding and it's easier as they get older. My DC will be starting school next year and as hard as I've found it, I'm happy we did get to spend the time together, we won't get that time again and looking back, it has gone fast. I think the saying is, "the days are long, but the years are short" and if you really don't think it's for you and you don't like it at all, then consider going back to work, at least part time.