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SAHP

A place for stay at home mums and dads to discuss life as a full-time parent.

Original poster

8 year old judgy about me staying home

33 replies

VictoriaMum323 · 27/05/2023 06:17

Hello, I am going through a big change - we are moving back to the uk after being abroad and will be leaving my current job etc. I might take some time out to get the kids settled / get ourselves set up in the UK. I have an 8 month old. My 8 year old son said (when I mentioned I may not work for a while) : ‘’so you are just going to sit at home?’’ Obviously very judgy!

I have always worked very long hours in a ‘’city’’ role in finance, however I have always been very much aware of how people who don’t work outside the home do. It’s not easy as well to be with children nonstop as people who stay home certainly don’t get much of a break.

Is this common for 8 year old sons to become quite critical of SAHMs? I realise the WOHP / SAHM debate is old and boring but I am not getting at that. I am looking to understand whether other parents of 8 year old ish sons (or daughters) and upwards experience this type of attitude from their children?

Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
VictoriaMum323 · 27/05/2023 06:18

Edit : ‘’aware of how much people who don’t work outside the home do’’ I meant to say

OP posts:
AuntiZoaeshal · 27/05/2023 06:21

He will take his cue from your husband.

My son made a few similar comments at some point - which on excavation turned out that he was worried that me not working would be placing extra pressure on his father being the sole provider.

It was fixed by me ignoring it but DH being ‘zero tollerance’ on it ( e.g. correcting them if they said that Dad bought XYZ into saying “Mum and Dad bought it - we are a team and our money is shared”.)

Dacadactyl · 27/05/2023 06:25

I actually think it's because he's used to you being out at work, so he doesn't understand that being at home looking after a baby is work too.

Neither of my kids ever made comments about me being a SAHM, but they'd never known anything else.

Just tell him that looking after a baby is work too. It's just an adjustment period for him because he's not used to you being off. And in his 8 year old mind, he's thinking that when you're not working, it's like him being off school...without realising the adult side of organising a big move and minding baby.

MuffinToSeeHere · 27/05/2023 06:32

Is he being judgy or is he being curious?

His whole life is being uprooted and he's moving to a new country so obviously he will be asking a lot of questions, his tone might have been off but I really don't think he is asking to be judgemental.

Alongside all these changes you will now be staying at home looking after his sibling. It doesn't sound like he understands that's a role people do as he's so used to you being 'at work' so it's natural to wonder what it will entail.

Just answer his questions honestly and help him navigate the massive change he's about to undertake.

LubaLuca · 27/05/2023 06:36

I would assume genuine curiosity as well. If he's only ever known you to work, he will wonder what you'll be doing when you no longer have that.

Eight year olds aren't worldly enough to be judgmental about things like that, unless they're being fed an adult's opinion and repeating it.

PoussinBoussin · 27/05/2023 06:37

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

MintJulia · 27/05/2023 06:40

Get him to help change the pooiest nappy ever and then tell him 'Mummy will be at home doing this sort of work all day, rather than sitting in a nice clean office, talking to people on the phone.' 😊

wildfirewonder · 27/05/2023 06:43

He's just asking a legitimate question - what are you going to do all day? It is your brain that is perceiving it as judgement.

Explain to him - explain in detail that looking after the baby and house is another type of work, describe the activities.

He'll perhaps be very nervous about moving - I bet he'd quite like to stay home with the people he knows rather than have to start a new school?

CabernetSauvignon · 27/05/2023 06:43

Didn't he get used to you being at home when you had the baby?

SybilWrites · 27/05/2023 06:44

I assume he's getting this from your husband or another adult in your life tbh.

MikeWozniaksMohawk · 27/05/2023 06:46

Without any wider context, and knowing my own 8yo DS, I think they’re probably just wondering what you’re going to do when they’re at school if you’re not working. It doesn’t sound judgey, just interested especially if he’s used to you going to work.

BananaSpanner · 27/05/2023 06:47

If it makes you feel better, my 8 year old guilts me about going to work unlike her best friends mum who is a SAHP.
Do what’s best for the family and your children will soon get used to it. Although I agree that maybe you should just tell him how busy you’ll be at home.

DarkForces · 27/05/2023 06:47

Children don't have a clue about what it takes to run a home. He's not judging anyone but for him being at home is a very different experience to you!

He's got a lot of change going on so he's looking for clarification on how life will be.

Fairymother · 27/05/2023 06:57

He might just wonder what you would do all day. Kids have no idea how much stuff there is to do to keep the house nice. If its also not what hes used to, because you worked before, he might just have asked in surprise because its a change.
DS is 9. I was a sahm until 3 years ago. When i started part time (2days a week) DD really struggled. So I reduced again to 2 half days a week when they are in school anyways.
I dont think DS really judges or even cares what i do all day. Hes just happy i have time to ferry him around everywhere. Its quite common to be a sahm where i live. DS only has one friend where the mum works (i think full time or almost) and everytime they want to go elsewhere he asks me to take them because his mum isnt home.
DS also asked me lots of questions tht sounded like hes quite surprised/could be judgy i guess?
I dont think its actual judgement though. Just surprise, because its different from what he knows.

Lcb123 · 27/05/2023 07:03

Unless there’s more to this;‘you are a reading a lot into one question. Isn’t he just curious given he’s used to you working?

WashableVelvet · 27/05/2023 07:06

I work 4 days and DC1 is envious if anything of my day ‘off’ looking after DC2, as he would like a day off school. He calls it me being ‘just at home’ because that’s how he would experience it, and because that’s also the language we’d use for a quiet weekend day.

Wnikat · 27/05/2023 07:07

Well if you're staying at home with the baby but you didn't with him then he's probably a little bit jealous? He's 8. He's not the patriarchy. It's a chance to educate but don't be annoyed at him.

chickawhoo · 27/05/2023 07:08

This sounds like exactly the kind of thread that'll end up used as a report in something like The Mirror etc.

Okshacky · 27/05/2023 07:14

The fact he said ‘’so you are just going to sit at home?’’ Rather than any other phrase to me suggests he’s heard some describe sahm’s like that.

Justalittlebitduckling · 27/05/2023 07:14

Kids are completely clueless. I once asked my
nanny what she did all day because it hadn’t occurred to me that looking after me was a job.

FriendsStan · 27/05/2023 07:24

You're massively over thinking this.

Museya15 · 27/05/2023 07:25

He's a child, he doesn't mean it.

Turtletotem · 27/05/2023 07:26

I recall my 10 year old stepson telling me they're buying me a dishwasher!
Totally blame the other parent for that mindset.

fairywhale · 27/05/2023 07:33

Don't people that go to work still run a home.

Okshacky · 27/05/2023 07:43

Have you made comments to him about sahm’s over the years @VictoriaMum323