Do SAHMs past toddler years cause gender inequality?

[ladykale]

From reading so many MN threads I can't help but observe that

1. SAHM with husbands with a "big job" do 100% of housework, childcare and life admin which means that their children (including boys) see that as the norm and then go forward to model that. To have purpose those SAHMs often do everything for their teen children & often produce lazier / less independent teens.

1. Women with kids can't compete effectively with the male husbands/partners of these SAHMs in the workplace as they are focusing 100% on work and not doing any childcare, looking after sick children or even juggling household stuff.

No judgment on SAHMs of older children, but it does feel like it perpetuates gender inequality that we see played out in thread after thread with lazy male partners who have been raised by someone yet don't have basic life skills like cleaning & cooking!

Perhaps it's the man with the 'big job' causing the problem. Not the SAHM?

No I’m not prepared to lay blame on other women who, like me, are doing what works best for them and their children in a world that is structured to the disadvantage of women generally.

But if someone's a SAHM isn't the obvious result that they'll do most of the house stuff and childcare?

Not suggesting that isn't what's best for the family or querying why people make that choice, but doesn't it mean that a teenage boy for example is likely to expect their female partner to fulfil a similar role even when both are working later?

Other way round. If you already earn less than your DH, or if your attitude is "my earnings aren't going to go up much/I can't afford childcare on my income" and aren't genuinely thinking you can progress in your career by going back to work - this is caused by inequality between the sexes, and then leads to women staying home past the toddler years.
Likewise if you think "it's my responsibility to be with my children 24/7 because I'm a muuuum/men can't possibly do childcare/I'm so much better at it than him naturally" then it's the gender system that has made you believe that (and your DH is pretending to be a child) so it's sexism that's causing you to be a SAHM not vice versa.

Threads like these don't help anyone. Just do what works best for your family

OP I think when you said -

but doesn't it mean that a teenage boy for example is likely to expect their female partner to fulfil a similar role even when both are working later?

To me it's our job as parents to model the change we want to see that also suits your family at that time while talking to our sons and daughters that different ways work for different families and there should never be an expectation just because it's what worked for your parents once

Is there anything women don't get blamed for? 🙄 I'm a working mum- I've never thought to blame the fact that workplace culture isn't well set up for women with kids on the wives of my male colleagues. FFS.

No judgment on SAHMs of older children, but it does feel like it perpetuates gender inequality

PMSL.

It’s the system to blame, not a group of specific people. Do what’s best for your family, and what you can afford. I’d never want to be SAHM but don’t care what others chose to do

Ha ha ha.

Blaming women for their own inequality?

No I don’t think so!

SAHM are doing a job anyway. It’s about time that motherhood was valued more.

Lol. Let's blame that one on women instead of the patriarchy. 1-0 to internalised misogyny.

This!

YABU @ladykale

Honestly it’s judgey threads like these that partly make me stay in my career. My DH has the big job and I stay working part time because I know society will make me feel like less of a person if I become a Sahm! Even though I sometimes think I would be happier and contented if I did quit as I wouldn’t be constantly chasing my tail all the time.

I've never taken the full load of the children, regardless of how much DP earns.
If anything, it means he had more money to throw at childcare than I did.

I'm a sahm to primary school kids and the picture you paint does not apply in my case. DH works from home for a large company and due to logistics does loads of school runs and various bits of housework (I do most though).

I've talked about my old job a lot, and I'm going to be returning to work at some point so we'll see how it goes...

I think it is important for kids to see their parents modelling good equal roles. But at the same time, one set of parents can't model everything - eg if the mum drives, they sort of assume that dads don't, or if the dad does all cooking they might assume mums don't.

They see tons of dads at drop off/ pickup too, which I think is important.

And yeah it's often the woman staying at home (if anyone is) because they already earn less.

Yes, it’s always the faulty of women.

Why would a teenage boy assume his partner would do everything even if both working because they see one working partner and one SAP?

Teenagers learn from attitude and example so they’ll only learn that if his parents teach that

Somewhat ironically I’m seen by a few of my family and friends as the hardest in our group on my teens, and my DH, because they all have parts to play in our household despite me being a SAHP. And women are the worst for it I’ve found - people are amazed I still expect DH to do house stuff when I’m “at home all day”

Then again my DH doesn’t automatically think everything household falls to me because my job of looking after out youngest is what he sees as my day job. Household stuff and evenings/weekends are still when we both do stuff.

Maybe the problem isn't the women staying at home and doing the housework, maybe the problem is that a lot of women go to work and still do nearly all of the housework - and that's what the kids are seeing.

But blaming any group of women for men's attitudes 'because that's what they saw growing up' is pretty pathetic IMO. Men can realise that what they saw at home growing up wasn't right or fair. If a girl had a SAHD would you expect that she would assume any male partner of hers would do all the housework and child rearing? Of course not. It's just misogynistic nonsense to blame women for men not doing what they should.

When I was considering giving up work (it became logistically tricky due to moving and childcare availability) I posted on here and every thread was like "oh no, my job makes me feel like a human being and I couldn't be dependent on a man! So many things that could go wrong! " My job seemed very important at the time so I was nervous.

Anyway, I did it when dc3 was tiny and it's been brilliant and I have no regrets. Everything instantly became easier not having to juggle commutes and childcare and home learning in lockdown etc etc. Obviously not an option for everyone but have been lucky. It's temporary but that makes it all the more fun. I don't give a shit if anyone thinks less of me because of it - their opinion isn't worth caring about.

So if a working mum doesn’t achieve max potential, it’s due to other women choosing to undermine them by being SAHM’s, which then in turn allows the men to concentrate fully on their job, ahead of the poor working mum, so it’s the SAHM’s fault that the working woman has issues?

Wowsers. No need for men to be misogynists, we’re more than capable of doing it to ourselves.

No.

The idea that the woman does all the housework, childcare & admin in this scenario is where your suggestion is wrong. My DH’s job allowed me to be a SAHM for most of their lives, I did all childcare until the moment he walked in the door at which point it was shared. I did some housework during the day if I needed to, but I gave up my career to look after the children not to be a cleaner. At the weekends we did a big clean, including the dc’s. I did do most of the admin partly due to time but also playing to my strengths, there were other jobs he did.

It would be totally unequal for the SAHM’s job to be 24/7 but the working parent to work office hours.

my DH also cooked whenever he was home.

so our dc’s of both sexes saw their parents as a team, no sex based stereotypes (gender is irrelevant to this).

Yes there are lazy men and we see threads about them not pulling their weight, but let’s not blame it on the women, or the choice to be a SAHM. Happy parents, happy kids.

Why are people so obsessed with whether other people are SAHMs, full time workers, part time workers....
I don't really care what other people do. That's their life. Not mine.

Riddle me this. Why are mothers, not fathers, opting to be the stay at home parent? You know if women and men are completely equal at work until SAHMs come along.

I think more men than every are staying at home to be SAHPs.

The number of families who can afford a SAHP, either mum or dad, has nosedived though. More and more families are having parents change jobs so they’re working opposite patterns as they can’t afford either childcare or a SAHP.

The fact that most SAHPs are SAHMs is a symptom of gender inequality, not a cause.