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SAHP

A place for stay at home mums and dads to discuss life as a full-time parent.

Original poster

I’m a SAHP & partner thinks I do nothing all day

42 replies

ck1199 · 22/03/2023 08:04

I’m not usually one to write on things like this, usually just read but today I have really had enough and feel like I’m alone in this situation. I have two children, 1 nearly 10 with my ex partner and a 2 year old son who’s going to be starting nursery in a few weeks two mornings a week so he settles in before I go back to work (currently looking for a job). I went back to work straight away after having first child and worked full time so had a lot of time for myself and a lot of help from ex partners family with childcare. After my maternity ended me and my partner decided I wasn’t going to go back to work just yet as our son was quite a handful, I do EVERYTHING in the house, make lunches dinners washing and always sorting kids out by myself which is tirering but I just get it done. Partner works 5 days a week, leaves usually at about 8.30/9 gets back 3/4/5 always different. I don’t expect him to cook or clean because he’s at work all day but what I expect is to be appreciated and whenever we have a disagreement about something he always says comments like “you sit on sofa all day” or “at least you don’t have to go to work” and many other comments and it drives me insane! I know what it’s like to work with kids and it’s actually a lot bloody easier!! He gets back from work and plays PlayStation most evenings, I don’t ever have any time to myself even when I have a bath I feel so down and have done for a while yet if I mention it he just thinks I’m being dramatic. As a couple, surprisingly we get on well but as a dad/parter someone to live with is seeming more and more impossible everyday because he doesn’t understand how much I do to keep this house running and look after kids. Even when I go back to work, it will still be the same and I’ve said many many times I feel unappreciated and he makes out I’m silly. I don’t know what to do but don’t want to end up a single parent with two kids and I do love my partner as apart from this we get on but I can’t live like this anymore and nothing I say to him will make him realise. What can I do??? I’ve attempted to not do any housework or nothing so he realises but it drives me mad there being mess all the time but I feel like it might be my only option.

OP posts:
LapinR0se · 22/03/2023 08:06

Sorry but if he leaves at 9 and comes back at 3 that’s basically a part-time job.
He needs to either work proper hours or help out at home

CardiffMam · 22/03/2023 08:08

In your situation I would be tempted to sit on the sofa for a few days. 😁

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 22/03/2023 08:08

During his working hours you are working as the SAHP. When he is home, you are both there to share the load of house and child.

I'd suggest he is left full days next Saturday and Sunday with the 2yo and a list of whatever you usually do on your weekdays. Leave at 8.30 and come back at 5.

Ask him how much lazing around he got done.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 22/03/2023 08:08

Also unless married I'd seriously reconsider being a SAHP.

Original poster
ck1199 · 22/03/2023 08:10

Yeah I know right! I know what he does at work in a day and it’s really not that difficult to the point he can’t do anything when he gets in. I just don’t really know how to get through to him, he’s always been really lazy even when he lived at home with his mum. Seems a shame to split over it but at the same time I feel my life would be “easier” without him but probably a bit lonelier

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 22/03/2023 08:11

How much did he do round the house before your little one arrived?

Ringmaster27 · 22/03/2023 08:12

My exH once had the audacity to ask me what I’d been doing all day as a SAHP to our 3 DCs who were all 4 and under at the time.
The following day when he left for work, I began my list: I wrote down every tiny little thing I did that day - every single nappy change, snack, cleaning jobs, laundry jobs - literally everything. By the end of the day, I presented him with 3 double-sided A4 sheets and told him “Don’t you ever imply I don’t do anything again”. And he never did.

Original poster
ck1199 · 22/03/2023 08:12

😂 this is what I’ve considered because speaking to him about it has never solved anything so if I actually do what he thinks I do all day then maybe he will realise. Doesn’t help I cannot stand mess AT ALL lol but I just wanted to see if other people had the same problem and if anything fixed it!

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NerrSnerr · 22/03/2023 08:14

I don’t know what to do but don’t want to end up a single parent with two kids and I do love my partner as apart from this we get on but I can’t live like this anymore and nothing I say to him will make him realise.

Your be better as a single parent because at least you'll have one less person to cook for and clean up after.

You'll be bringing up your children thinking that women have to fall over themselves to do everything for their men, and the cycle will continue for another generation.

Original poster
ck1199 · 22/03/2023 08:14

Absolutely love this idea!! 😂 I think ile try this today because this sounds like a bit of me! No doubt he would come back and write down what he’s done all day and might make me even more mad! I guess trying won’t hurt!

OP posts:
Mamette · 22/03/2023 08:15

As you’re going back to work soon I wouldn’t do anything. He’ll soon realise how easy he had it when you were at home full time.

Make sure he takes 50 50 responsibility for nursery drop offs, food shopping, meal planning, cooking, cleaning and washing.

Maybe a bit more than 50 as he’s working so few hours.

Original poster
ck1199 · 22/03/2023 08:17

I know you’re absolutely right, I know this myself and I left my last partner because of exactly the same reasons I just feel terrible for my son not to see his dad everyday. Some days I tell myself I am way better off and like being on my own and then other days I’m weak and terrible telling myself I don’t want to be without him, always in two minds which makes the situation a lot harder

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OtterlyMad · 22/03/2023 08:17

“What can I do???”

Personally I would do absolutely fuck all and see how he deals with it when he’s got no clean clothes, no food in the house, no clean dishes to eat off, etc.

However, you’ve said you’ve tried that (though I think you probably haven’t done it for long enough to make a real impact). So instead, why don’t you write a list of ALL the chores that need doing and how long they take (e.g. cook dinner 1hr per day, take out bins 5min x twice per week, etc.) and ask him how you should split them once you’re back at work?

Also, make sure you apportion an equal amount of “personal time” to each of you (e.g. 1hr per day for video games or bath) this should start IMMEDIATELY btw, not wait until you’ve found a job.

It sounds like your partner is immature and has a fundamental lack of respect for you which I wouldn’t put up with but if you’re determined to make a go of it then things need to change going forward.

WomensLandArmy · 22/03/2023 08:19

Time for you to have a family crisis elsewhere which means he takes annual leave and looks after the children for a couple of days!

Original poster
ck1199 · 22/03/2023 08:19

Thank you for your advice! I’m hoping going back to work will actually make him realise how much I do around here, I have told myself if I’m still doing everything with no help then ile have no choice but to end things for my own mental state!

OP posts:
Isthisexpected · 22/03/2023 08:22

I would stop doing anything that doesn't personally benefit you or the kids. Stop doing his washing, cooking etc. Eat early with the kids and he can sort himself out later. You should have the same access to free time (I know lots of mums don't use it but it should be there!) and his part time hours don't mean he gets to do nothing.

What makes you say it'll be the same when you work FT? Surely you'd be expecting him to do 50/50 of everything then?

Original poster
ck1199 · 22/03/2023 08:25

great advise!
your right it lasted not even a day, he got back from work and didn’t really say anything about all the mess or having no dinner so later that evening I cleaned up and we didn’t talk for a couple of days which is pathetic considering we are both parents and live with each other!

ile be honest with you, that won’t ever work, he plays PlayStation with his friends some days not at all but majority of time for hours in the evening. I know this isn’t right believe me I do, but whenever I moan about things I’m made out to be a naggy cow and so I just get on with things. Plus my son relies on me with everything literally stuck to me which is probably because his dad has never done anything majorly since he’s been born. God I feel like an idiot

OP posts:
Original poster
ck1199 · 22/03/2023 08:27

Yeah I think ile to, I’ve always been one of them people where all my housework is always done it’s sad but it’s me lol! And I’d be going back part time due to childcare costs and no family help and where I pick my daughter up from school as well it would be impossible to do anymore than 25 hours a week for the time being! When I was pregnant I was working and still done everything which is why I know not much will change.

OP posts:
Original poster
ck1199 · 22/03/2023 08:31

Absolutely f all! Think since we have lived together which is probably been 4 years he has washed up once when I had a meltdown about constantly cleaning up after him and never done it again. So yeh I know it’s hard to change people but I just thought since having a child he would have a bit more respect, me being the mother of his child. Moans I’m stressed all the time yet does nothing to help, it’s laughable

OP posts:
tribpot · 22/03/2023 08:35

No doubt he would come back and write down what he’s done all day and might make me even more mad!
But you're not the one trying to imply he does nothing. So yes he could create his own list of what he does at work, but you're not disputing that he does stuff at work.

I think you'll discover when you're working again that still nothing will have changed, he'll be doing his part-time job and expecting you to do everything else. He's just lazy and spoilt - and you'd have less to do without him around.

Original poster
ck1199 · 22/03/2023 08:42

tribpot · 22/03/2023 08:35

No doubt he would come back and write down what he’s done all day and might make me even more mad!
But you're not the one trying to imply he does nothing. So yes he could create his own list of what he does at work, but you're not disputing that he does stuff at work.

I think you'll discover when you're working again that still nothing will have changed, he'll be doing his part-time job and expecting you to do everything else. He's just lazy and spoilt - and you'd have less to do without him around.

Yeah you’re completely right! He’s obviously grown up with his mum doing everything for him, his sister always says jokes about me saving his mum from clearing up after him. Sadly deep down I know me going back to work will not help but I need some personal time for myself, I guess ile probably see more sense once I have more time on my own and will end up kicking his arse out anyway.

OP posts:
OtterlyMad · 22/03/2023 08:45

ck1199 · 22/03/2023 08:25

great advise!
your right it lasted not even a day, he got back from work and didn’t really say anything about all the mess or having no dinner so later that evening I cleaned up and we didn’t talk for a couple of days which is pathetic considering we are both parents and live with each other!

ile be honest with you, that won’t ever work, he plays PlayStation with his friends some days not at all but majority of time for hours in the evening. I know this isn’t right believe me I do, but whenever I moan about things I’m made out to be a naggy cow and so I just get on with things. Plus my son relies on me with everything literally stuck to me which is probably because his dad has never done anything majorly since he’s been born. God I feel like an idiot

I know this isn’t what you want to hear but sounds like you would be better off as a single mum. You’re doing everything anyway!

Finalstar · 22/03/2023 08:50

I wouldn't bother writing everything down - the chances are he wouldn't bother to read it/take any notice.

I think it would be much more effective to get up early on Saturday morning (or his next day off). Get dressed, get organised and your coat on. Then wake him up and tell him you are out for the day and that you'll be back in the evening. But not to worry because looking after two kids is a piece of piss. Then leave.

Go and keep yourself busy and don't come back until at least 7/8pm that night. And when you walk into a bombsite, express amazement at the state of the place and ask him why it's chaos.

If he doesn't get it by this point, then ditch him. Life is too short to spend it with a lazy adult who thinks his partner is also his Mummy.

ArmchairAnarchist2 · 22/03/2023 08:52

You're not his wife, you're his mother.

Original poster
ck1199 · 22/03/2023 08:54

Finalstar · 22/03/2023 08:50

I wouldn't bother writing everything down - the chances are he wouldn't bother to read it/take any notice.

I think it would be much more effective to get up early on Saturday morning (or his next day off). Get dressed, get organised and your coat on. Then wake him up and tell him you are out for the day and that you'll be back in the evening. But not to worry because looking after two kids is a piece of piss. Then leave.

Go and keep yourself busy and don't come back until at least 7/8pm that night. And when you walk into a bombsite, express amazement at the state of the place and ask him why it's chaos.

If he doesn't get it by this point, then ditch him. Life is too short to spend it with a lazy adult who thinks his partner is also his Mummy.

firstly Thank you for your advise,
I really want to do this and have thought about it before but i can’t bare to think my kids aren’t being looked after properly and I’d feel like a really shitty parent putting them in that situation. I know it’s probably the best thing I can do but I know he will just make out I’m a terrible mum for doing that. I really need to think about this because out of all the comments I know this one is probably the most needed.

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