I’m a SAHP & partner thinks I do nothing all day

[ck1199]

I’m not usually one to write on things like this, usually just read but today I have really had enough and feel like I’m alone in this situation. I have two children, 1 nearly 10 with my ex partner and a 2 year old son who’s going to be starting nursery in a few weeks two mornings a week so he settles in before I go back to work (currently looking for a job). I went back to work straight away after having first child and worked full time so had a lot of time for myself and a lot of help from ex partners family with childcare. After my maternity ended me and my partner decided I wasn’t going to go back to work just yet as our son was quite a handful, I do EVERYTHING in the house, make lunches dinners washing and always sorting kids out by myself which is tirering but I just get it done. Partner works 5 days a week, leaves usually at about 8.30/9 gets back 3/4/5 always different. I don’t expect him to cook or clean because he’s at work all day but what I expect is to be appreciated and whenever we have a disagreement about something he always says comments like “you sit on sofa all day” or “at least you don’t have to go to work” and many other comments and it drives me insane! I know what it’s like to work with kids and it’s actually a lot bloody easier!! He gets back from work and plays PlayStation most evenings, I don’t ever have any time to myself even when I have a bath I feel so down and have done for a while yet if I mention it he just thinks I’m being dramatic. As a couple, surprisingly we get on well but as a dad/parter someone to live with is seeming more and more impossible everyday because he doesn’t understand how much I do to keep this house running and look after kids. Even when I go back to work, it will still be the same and I’ve said many many times I feel unappreciated and he makes out I’m silly. I don’t know what to do but don’t want to end up a single parent with two kids and I do love my partner as apart from this we get on but I can’t live like this anymore and nothing I say to him will make him realise. What can I do??? I’ve attempted to not do any housework or nothing so he realises but it drives me mad there being mess all the time but I feel like it might be my only option.

I know it’s probably the best thing I can do but I know he will just make out I’m a terrible mum for doing that. I really need to think about this because out of all the comments I know this

You are not the only parent. He has been a terrible father constantly. Let him parent for a whole weekend. He's a lazy inconsiderate git.

And if you are going to be working full time, with the part time hours he currently does he has time to do school & nursery drop off/pick up. And he has time to cook dinner before you get home. It's time he lived in the real parenting world rather than Xbox fantasy world.

he doesn’t understand how much I do to keep this house running and look after kids. Even when I go back to work, it will still be the same

You feel when you "moan" he says you're a naggy cow. He does this so you will shut up and carry on. It's in his interest to keep you quiet and washing his socks.

He doesn understand. He knows how much you do, its very convenient for him that you run the house, do all the thinking and organising and cleaning and cooking and shopping and tidying, and laundry, and remembering birthday presents for kids parties, while he sits on his arse playing computer games and scratching his balls.

A fair partnership is one where nobody sits down til we all can sit down, regardless of who is doing what during the day, it's not fair for him to stroll in from work and clock off and put his feet up at 4pm if you're still folding towels at 9pm.

There's not much you can do to change him, unfortunately, but what you do have control over is what you show your children. You're teaching them by your example, they are watching and will go out and recreate that in their own lives.

Google that article written by a man called something like 'she left me because I didn't wash my cups ' or left cups on the side or something like that. Get him to read it.

This is it!

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

You say your ex was the same so it was optimistic to think he’d start pitching in because you had a child together.

These men don’t ever just decide to start doing more.

Why would being the mother of his child make him respect you more when he showed you he thought he was too important to do housework and clean up after himself when you were his live in girlfriend?

As you say you won’t leave him you’ll just have to lessen your load by doing stuff for you and the kids and leaving his laundry and stuff to him.

He sounds like a lazy selfish man child and I wouldn’t find that attractive at all but if you think he’s worth it then best of luck.

Definitely go back to work. If you do decide to break up, you need to have your own income in place. The week before you go back to work, have a meeting about who is going to do what, make a rota of nursery pick ups, cleaning jobs etc. Discuss when your time off is going to be, choose an activity/class/social time and make sure you do it every week so he has to have the DC by himself too. If he doesn't respond to this and step up, he never will and it just indicates he has no respect for you or your time.

None of these men would swap with you given the choice. Most don't even do 50/50 in the event of a split.
Offer to swap roles if he's that bothered. I guarantee he won't want to.

Partner is obviously wrong; your son is 2 which obviously means you need to keep him within eyeshot and or earshot.

So even if you are not doing your chores busy you are still busy.

You are at work OP; 24/7 you just aren't getting paid.

He plays on the playstation after work? When do you get an afterwork leisure activity?

You both work full time and he needs to realise this.

His working hours are relatively short.
8.50- 5 is the longest day out of the house ? Absolutely no excuse for not pulling weight.

If he wants to play it that way, log all work: childcare you do for exactly 7.5 hours a day then simply sit down and refuse to do anything else when he gets home. If he gets tk clock off at 3/4/5 then so do you.

Stop doing what you do. Sit on your arse all day and when he complains the house is a mes / no plates to eat off / no clean laundry say 'Oh I decided to do nothing all day, as that seems to be what you think I do.'

Also, go out for a full day regularly and leave him looking after the kids. When you get home, express surprise that he hasn't managed to keep on top of the housework. Ask 'Have you been sitting on your arse all day?'

Alternatively, leave him. Why do women put up with these useless bloody men.

Hi Op

I would book a guest room or a budget hotel guest room for one day or go away on a day trip on your own or with friends/family

Make sure he has to look after the children needs welfare all day
No help whatsoever

See what he thinks 🤔 then?

L.o.l 😆

Every so often see about how you can have a well earned break in some way healthspa day or Holistic therapies like hot stone massage or others kinds of Holistic therapies

See how much fun he will find being on his own coping with everything @ck1199

But it's not you being a shitty parent. It's leaving them with their father for one day - not even a full 24 hours. They'll be fine.

And if he tries to accuse you of being a crap Mum then you can point out that he's just proved your argument. He can't have it both ways - if you sit at home in the sofa all day doing naff all, then it shouldn't make a difference when you go out, should it? If it does make a difference when you go out and leave him to it, then that means that actually you don't sit in your arse all day watching telly......

But to be honest, the fact that you don't feel comfortable leaving him in charge for just one day is all the answer you need.

For the sake of your future relationship it now time to do absolutely nothing for a week.

I mean that.

Nothing outside of looking after the kids. Let it build up. He will have his visual.

But you will still have an arse of a dp so there is that. :)

firstly Thank you for your advise,
I really want to do this and have thought about it before but i can’t bare to think my kids aren’t being looked after properly and I’d feel like a really shitty parent putting them in that situation.

Do you realise just how messed up this is?
You can't even leave your kids with him because you know how incompetent he is.

I've been there and in my experience it didn't get better.

You have options.

1
Keep doing what you are doing. No appreciation. Eventual extreme resentment.

2
Show what you actually do.
Write it all down/ dont do it.

3
Tell him what you do.
Cost up the external support and how much that costs.

4
Go away for a a few days on your own. Do not prep anything. Leave it all to him.

Option 2 requires him to read the list and take it in.
Or see the difference of you not doing it and take that in.

Option 3 means he has to listen. Is he capable of understanding?

As it seems he sees this sort of work as not for him. Women's jobs. Not his job. And not a valued job that earns/costs money.

Option 4 is sink or swim.

Better you try and get across to him NOW before your resentment builds so much that you can't stand the sight of him.

If he is an intelligent man doing paid work then he should be capable of change.

Better you try and get across to him NOW before your resentment builds so much that you can't stand the sight of him.

Yep - agree. And think about what you are modelling for your kids in terms of healthy behaviours and relationships. I'm not saying that to stick the boot in, but the longer you put up with this crap, the more normal it will seem to them - and the cycle is perpetuated into the next generation.