Why is SAHM/ wanting children such a taboo?

[Jadeyspade]

I have always wanted to have a large family - 3-8 children would be my personal ideal however I understand why this would not be for everyone. I work outside the home however I prefer any work to be secondary to home responsibilities/ care of children.

It seems to me that to want a large family/ SAHM/ a family setup that would be completely the normal 2 generations ago - in these days (and especially on mumsnet) is a taboo?

My Grandmother was a SAHM with 5 Children - her role in life was "Wife and mother".. Deep down I have always wanted what she had. Since been an adult, I have worked extremely hard to get career/ delaying children etc to achieve financial stability. Despite this I feel trapped in this career and unable to afford the children I want despite working so hard. In all honesty, I would trade my career for the life my Grandmother had given the option

i am accepting that the reality is I may not fulfil my "large family dream" due to finances/modern lifestyle pressures etc however it seems to me that to admit to wanting these kinds of things in the first place e.g. SAHM/ a large family/ traditional setup attracts judgement and been frowned upon

I spoke to my 80year old neighbour recently - he was telling me that in his day, it was seen as a shame if a woman had to go out to work as it meant the husband not providing well for his family. I definitely feel it's a good thing that society has moved on from this and that women can choose careers/ not have children if doesn't want

However I feel it's a huge shame that society has gone so far the other way and on some level I don't think feminism has done all women favours. women are often forced through financial reasons to return to work and been a SAHM/ wanting children seems to be quite judged

I am unsure about feminism and it's place here. i basically believe if a woman wishes to work/ focus on career she should be free to do that. If a woman wishes more fulfilment in family life/ motherhood that's fine too.

I have been reading more recently about the rise of one child families/ threads about women feeling they have no choice to have a child/ another child due to nursery costs/ finances etc and think it's actually quite sad that society has gone so far this way in supporting family life

Thoughts??

Everyone has their own preferences and priorities.

The issue is that having a large number of children as a sahm leaves a woman vulnerable and open to abuse.

My dm was a sahm to 5 children - your 'dream'. Four of her dcs were daughters and having suffered financial/emotional abuse for more than 40 years, she was determined that none of us would ever be without a career or skill, and ever forced to rely on a man,

Having watched our dm's life, we all have careers and financial independence.

It's easy to look back upon a past you never even lived with rosy coloured specs.

i was going to say exactly the same thing. One of my grans has 6 children (who were born 1930s/40s). In the previous generation, two of my great grans had 5 children each. Maybe to some that all sounds wonderful. And certainly as a child, I wished I had lots of siblings. But as an adult, I can see a common theme for all of them was unfulfilled dreams, drudgery, and often extreme poverty. Obviously that's not the case for all SAHMs/parents of large families. But it was true for many working class women in previous generations and it's important not to fabricate a domestic utopia that couldn't be further from reality.

Neither of the practices I know are in cities they're pretty rural small towns surrounded by countryside. I thought it was because architects liked city life and didn't want to live in the sticks.

Feminism doesn't say women can't be SAHM or have large families.

I also don't know anyone who is judged for it. Plenty of women don't return to work after having children out of choice or because they can't afford child care costs.

I think you're very confused or ill informed about what feminism is or what it's achieved.

I think In RL no one cares. Have as many kids as you like as long as you can afford them.

My granny was one of ten very poor, she stopped at two children because of this. Other granny had four and worked all her life they had very little money until the children were grown up.

Was a sahm for five years, people were so judgemental it really made me sad. I ended up going self employed, not because of finances but because I worried in case something happened to husband I would at least be able to bring some money in.

Why should a man be obliged to facilitate this. I certainly wouldn't do it if I was a man which thank goodness I am not.

a) lots of people (mostly women) spend at least some time as a SAHP. Many are on here. It is not taboo. Are you a DM journo in disguise?

b) do you actually have any kids? Because 8 sounds like a (planet wrecking) maria von trap fantasy

c) the reason people don’t think it’s a great idea to be an SAHP long term is because you are often fucked if your earning partner leaves. So it’s all v. well having your fantasy about having your granny’s life, but had she wanted to leave it would not have been possible, probably.

Jealously (that you can afford to do it, obviously assuming you're not on benefits)

No,I wouldn't agree to it either. But each to their own.

Of my closest 5 female friends, 3 are SAHMs so I'm not sure how uncommon it is.

No one cares really. But times are different now and as well as people not having as many kids in the past, it's easier to separate and divorce now too, and is very common.
So as others said, you're leaving yourself and your children vulnerable.

I think you're wrong on both counts. Firstly staying at home with children is far from taboo. Around a quarter of mothers do it at least for some of their children's lives. Secondly while staying at home isn't taboo it has long been the norm for women to work. Pre industrial and post industrial times in the UK most women have always worked. Around the world most women have always worked also.

For a short amount of time in countries like Britain that had an early industrial revolution and were able to grow a sizeable middle class from that and the remnants of colonialism, some women in that middle class didn't work because their household incomes were sufficient without a second wage.

Those women were in a minority globally and also within their own country but the household structure they lived within was touted as the one to aspire to for about half a century. Even though most women everywhere worked.

My Mum was one of 7. To this day she still goes on about how there was no food in the house and how a lack of food affected her physical growth. My Grandfather was shit and tight with money so my Grandma eventually had to take on various PT jobs. Grandma finally divorced him in the 70’s after finding out he was having an affair. Grandma got her own mortgage, finished Uni just before retiring and continued to live her best life.

Being a sahm is neither taboo nor uncommon, and I'm sure that the OP knows this already. Lots of people wouldn't choose that life for themselves, but I don't think many people really care what others do, as long as they don't expect the state to support their lifestyle choices. What's it to anyone else?

I think more people probably disapprove of large families these days. A lot of people think it's bad for the kids and bad for the planet.

I'm not really sure why the OP finds the increase in one-child families so sad. Some women might be forced to stop at one for the reasons that you've mentioned, but many more will stop at one because that's what they want to do. There is nothing particularly sad about this as far as I'm concerned.

Agree with that. It's all theoretical for the OP anyway isn't it. I mean she doesn't even have any kids. Maybe she'll have fertility problems and end up not having any. Who knows?

For those of us who do, and who do work, it's good that we at least get a nod towards equal pay these days. So thanks for that, feminism.

God yes.

I am truly grateful for feminism. My mum was miserable as a SAHM - bored, unfulfilled and felt that her talents were being utterly wasted. I would not have wanted to live that life and I am so grateful that I have been able to do things differently, and that my dd will be able to do things differently too.

Way I see it is that men are usually slightly more advantaged in terms of salary and progression etc but we have more choice (because it's more socially. acceptable for women to work than for men not to, reflected by the fact that SAHD and men who earn less than their wife face much higher likelihood of being divorced).

This being a primarily middle class website it seems that it's often overlooked that women who don't have a 'career' and just do a job don't have nearly as much to lose.

Which is more likely to result in significant personal wealth....marrying a very rich man or continuing in your job at Asda?

Absolutely.

We still have battles to fight, but equal pay goes a long way.

In my family, all the women have always worked, my mum, both grans, all my aunties etc. But they didn't earn very much money. I earn more than they did, not because I'm better or smarter but because my employer can't get away with paying me less than a man as easily as was the case fifty years ago.

Sorry, my reply was to @MrsBennetsPoorNerves

I don't care what people do unless they whinge the are unfulfilled and expectations to jump back to the same level at work then complain employees are discriminating at they have 10+ years off work and no cv other than sahm

And then complain they when they split they are struggling to cope as can't find work

If it works fine! I really don't have an opinion on that part

I know some people only desire when they are young is to grow up and just have babies and if all works for them fine

You might want to wait until you have one first 🤣 I used to think I wanted 6 when I was younger, I have one and that's what I'm sticking to. It's very hard work! Also, please don't have 8, that's very selfish, there's no way you can be a dedicated parent to 8 children, even if you are a SAHM

Do what you like. I don’t need your misplaced and patronising pity for my “one child family” though.