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SAHP

A place for stay at home mums and dads to discuss life as a full-time parent.

Original poster

SAHPs in relationships - how do you work out money?

52 replies

AmelieBear · 13/05/2022 20:00

So I’m pregnant and about to lose my job unexpectedly (long story on another thread but don’t worry I’m seeking legal advice). In the meantime me and my partner are discussing how it might work me taking time off between now and when the baby is a year old. We’re wondering what the best way is to deal with our finances specifically the money I would get. I’ve never not had my own money before. Do you get an allowance l? If so how much is needed? Any other suggestions?

OP posts:
Sillystripytail · 13/05/2022 20:02

I've been a SAHP since my son was born 3.5 years ago. I just take my husband's card out with me or he sends me the money. It'd be a lot easier with a joint account which we've been meaning to do for a while. Any big purchases we discuss but otherwise, I just buy what I need/want.

Sillystripytail · 13/05/2022 20:03

Oh and we do have a spreadsheet/budget so I know what's available. I just don't go over it and we both know when there's big bills coming up etc.

DonAlfonso · 13/05/2022 20:04

All our money is joint- when I was a SAHM, when we were both working and when DH had some time off. We just have a joint account and spend from that- very simple as long as you can rely on each other not to take the mick.

Soapboxqueen · 13/05/2022 20:04

I'm married. Been SAHP for about 9 years. We have a joint account. It's our money so no working out to do.

HoraThird · 13/05/2022 20:04

Once I got pregnant we closed our individual accounts and opened a joint one. It's all family money now regardless of who earns it!

NrlySp · 13/05/2022 20:05

We have a joint account. It’s our money. Always have been. We discuss large purchases. We budget. DH works and get paid. I work too - I’m a SAHM. It’s always been very clear my work has value too. Therefore joint account and full knowledge of savings - with shared access/equal amounts for each person as long as it makes sense for investment purposes. There is no his money and my money.

GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 13/05/2022 20:06

I do the odd bit of freelance work, but I've been mostly a SAHM for a decade now. We have a joint account which covers all family and household expenses, but also get an equal amount of "pocket money" to our personal account every month, which is ours to spend on whatever fripperies we fancy.

SheWoreYellow · 13/05/2022 20:08

Is your DP the father of your child? If so I’d think make everything joint.

We also have a personal account for non essentials that we get £50 a month each. So for things that we really don’t need! You’d need to discuss what is counted as a non essential!

fallfallfall · 13/05/2022 20:11

All money is family money. No matter where it comes from. Once all bills are paid there’s only a bit left. We discuss major purchases or specific items that need attention (example car oil change). Some months are no spend, sometimes clothing can be purchased. It’s more about being responsible and reasonable.

rogueone · 13/05/2022 20:11

Do not be a SAHM if your not married unless your partner is going to pay towards a pension and not treat you like the hired help.

Not for me..my now DH asked me if i wanted to be a SAHM and i was very clear that was not happening, we were not married, i come from a broken home and wanted to ensure i was not vulnerable financially. So I have a good pension and have worked throughout. What is your partner offering you?

JuneJuly · 13/05/2022 20:20

I've been a sahm since having our youngest DC nearly 13 years ago. We got married 9 & 1/2 years ago. Any bank/saving accounts are in my name, DH is an additional cardholder on my credit card accounts. His salary is our family income.

bakewellbride · 13/05/2022 20:24

"I'm married. Been SAHP for about 9 years. We have a joint account. It's our money so no working out to do."

@Soapboxqueen same except the number of years. I find the idea of an 'allowance' a bit depressing. It's family money and I'm part of the family.

TimmyHos · 13/05/2022 20:32

We are married and all accounts are joint. We discuss any larger purchases beforehand but otherwise both of us spend what we need.

AntarcticTern · 13/05/2022 20:36

When I was a SAHM we kept our separate current accounts and DH paid an amount into mine every month. But I had access to our joint savings account so I could (and did) dip into that if I needed more. And anything left in either of the current accounts at the end of the month got transferred into the savings account. So all money was completely shared even though we had separate current accounts.

AntarcticTern · 13/05/2022 20:37

Agree with above posters - don't become a SAHM if you're not married. It's too risky for you.

ginslinger · 13/05/2022 20:38

You should be a partnership if you are at this stage where they provide an income while you are unable to. Discuss a budget and large purchases.

pinkrainbowsocks · 13/05/2022 20:45

I would say to stay working.. even if it's just one day a week at a cafe or something. I left my job to be a SAHM when I had my eldest who's now 5. I also had another child to the same partner who is now 7 months old. We split up when she was 3 months old. He paid for everything so used that as I reason why I should leave and he shouldn't. So I had nothing. I was dependent on him. Me and the 2 children are living at my parents, I'm currently working 2 days a week in a stately home (I'm actually a trained dental nurse) and I'm on the council house waiting list while claiming UC. I'm happier without him but it's not how I imagined life to be.. where as he's sat in the family home with his £60k career behind him, sending me £300 a month as it's all he can afford. We were together 11 years.
I know you think it'll last forever and hopefully it will but please protect yourself.
While we were together we had a joint account for groceries and he would send me £150 "pocket money" for clothes etc. it felt very condescending. Much prefer having my own money.

DreamingofItaly2023 · 13/05/2022 20:46

Everything goes into a joint account from which all bills come out. We then each get equal spending money in our personal accounts which is ours to do with as we wish. Anything left goes in joint savings. Any big purchases from savings is discussed and agreed with both having equal say.

strrawberriesandcream · 13/05/2022 20:46

I'm a sahp and husband works full time.

We have joint savings/current accounts and joint credit card.

All of his wage goes in one account and we do a monthly budget together and work out the bills/outgoings.

Once we know what's leftover for general spending it stays in the joint current account and we have a WhatsApp chat just for finances and we start each week with how much is available and make a note every time either of us spend.

Eg.

Monday £80 left
Tesco £10
£70 left
£5 Asda
£65 left

So we can both see what has been spent and keep an eye on how much money is there.

Everything is shared, there's no 'his' money, I don't ask for money I just use the current account whenever I need something.

We always discuss big purchases though and agree how to save or budget for them.

middleofthelittle · 13/05/2022 20:48

Get married

SnortingWhiskeyDrinkingCoke · 13/05/2022 20:53

Our children are the only ones that get an allowance in our house. I don’t work, partner does and we both have equal access to our money.

MuchTooTired · 13/05/2022 20:55

I’m sahm, and all money is joint. We have personal spends every month which is purely for stupid fun stuff like our hobbies, but otherwise we spend freely from the joint spends account - our bills go out of the joint bill account. Weirdly, all the savings accounts are in my sole name but that’s because I set them up.

I couldn’t handle receiving an allowance or asking dh for money. I accept I’m financially dependent on him (which I hate if I’m being honest!) but there’s no way I’d be asking for money. It’s ours, just he’s the lucky sod who gets paid for his work and doesn’t have to wipe anyone’s bum!

Original poster
AmelieBear · 14/05/2022 08:34

Yes we’re getting married so don’t worry about that all of you who’ve mentioned it.

A lot of you have said you just share a joint account. How does this work for birthday and Christmas presents for your other half though?

OP posts:
Whisp3r · 14/05/2022 08:43

All our money has gone into a joint bank account since we got married so when I became a SAHP nothing changed. We still have a joint bank account that we both use to pay for everything. I'm not sure what you mean about presents. I don't mind if he can see how much his presents cost. He doesn't care. If you wanted to keep it a secret you could get cash out and pay for his presents with that.

rogueone · 14/05/2022 10:23

You say your getting married. We always said we would get married but it took my DH to get ill for us to do it in a rush 20yrs later. So i would suggest you protect yourself in the mean time.

You need to be absolutely clear what his and your expectations are when he becomes the main earner. As you only need to read on MN the numbers of men who equate earnings with doing nothing in the home or with the kids. Have you established how your going to manage the finances? Joint account or are you going to be asking for money? Have you discussed him setting you up with a pension? (assuming you can afford it) Are you going to ensure your name is on the mortgage if you buy a house together?

You need to remember the old benefit t of being a housewife are no more. So you need to be very clear about what your giving up. Especially as you are at this time not married. You have decided to have a baby first and in my experience men lose interest in marriage fairly quickly once you have started having their DC.