SAHPs in relationships - how do you work out money?

[AmelieBear]

So I’m pregnant and about to lose my job unexpectedly (long story on another thread but don’t worry I’m seeking legal advice). In the meantime me and my partner are discussing how it might work me taking time off between now and when the baby is a year old. We’re wondering what the best way is to deal with our finances specifically the money I would get. I’ve never not had my own money before. Do you get an allowance l? If so how much is needed? Any other suggestions?

[DonAlfonso]

Presents for us are more about the thought- we set a limit of £25 at Christmas and try to get something really great and thoughtful within that. It’s not really about the monetary value as obviously we share our money. We do do expensive gifts sometimes as well but even then it’s the thought that counts. We each have a personal credit card so we can use that if we don’t want the name of the shop appearing on the bank statement.

[AmelieBear]

@DonAlfonso

Presents for us are more about the thought- we set a limit of £25 at Christmas and try to get something really great and thoughtful within that. It’s not really about the monetary value as obviously we share our money. We do do expensive gifts sometimes as well but even then it’s the thought that counts. We each have a personal credit card so we can use that if we don’t want the name of the shop appearing on the bank statement.

Thank you for the genuinely helpful answer and not a lecture making a
very high level of incorrect negative assumptions about both mine and my partners plans and situations 😄

FYI for those doing that I have property, investments and a pension of my own. We have a date set for the wedding next month. My partner is a genuinely decent person who loves me and who I’ve been with for 6 years, I understand some people end up abandoned and in bad situations but this is not true for everyone.

[mumonthehill]

Always joint account here and we have a certain amount each month out from it into our own accounts. We each get the same amount, not loads but we spend it on presents or if we want a treat etc. Has worked for us for 23 years!

[AmelieBear]

@mumonthehill

Always joint account here and we have a certain amount each month out from it into our own accounts. We each get the same amount, not loads but we spend it on presents or if we want a treat etc. Has worked for us for 23 years!

Thank you, that makes a lot of sense! Joint account seems to be the consensus!

[theremustonlybeone]

You seem to be getting defensive when posters ask questions. You say you have a pension and your own property. Well pensions need to be paid every month unitl your retire as do mortgages..Are you living in the property you seem to own so young? If not are your renting it out? If your so financially stable with a 'fully paid up pension' and your own home. Why are you worried? You need to be asking what your DP is paying towards the upkeep of his DC and paying you rent

[AmelieBear]

@theremustonlybeone

You seem to be getting defensive when posters ask questions. You say you have a pension and your own property. Well pensions need to be paid every month unitl your retire as do mortgages..Are you living in the property you seem to own so young? If not are your renting it out? If your so financially stable with a 'fully paid up pension' and your own home. Why are you worried? You need to be asking what your DP is paying towards the upkeep of his DC and paying you rent

Not particularly defensive, but your comment seems quite defensive/aggressive. I was quite open to the questions but not the ones that just make flat out assumptions about my relationship and financial status. All I asked was how people split things as I’ve earnt my own money and paid my own way for the last 20 years. A lot of people have helpful answers but there were some that appeared to jump to some odd conclusions. Possibly based on their own negative bad experiences. Much like yourself.

[Afterfire]

We have three accounts - all in joint names, all with Halifax so we can see all 3 when we sign in but we use them differently. One we use for all income, direct debits, outgoings, food etc etc day to day stuff. Then we transfer an equal and set amount to each of the other two accounts and we each use one of them as our own spending money - so our own going out expenses, clothes, treats, whatever else. Family stuff / days out comes out of the main account so the other ones are purely our own spends. Dh is generally a lot better with money than I am and hardly ever spends his own “spends” so he’s got £2.5k in his account and I have about 22p 😆 but we both have the same amount every month so fairs fair.

[MuchTooTired]

For presents we either pay via PayPal, avoid looking at the joint account over Christmas, or use our personal accounts and just transfer over from the joint accounts. We’ve both got credit cards so could in theory use those. Tbh we generally discuss how much things have cost after we’ve given the gift and how we paid for it then clear it if we used finance. We save monthly for Christmas so there’s a chunk of cash waiting to be spent!

It's worked for us for around 12 years so far, and we’re both happy with it.

[Roastonsun8]

@rogueone

Do not be a SAHM if your not married unless your partner is going to pay towards a pension and not treat you like the hired help.

Not for me..my now DH asked me if i wanted to be a SAHM and i was very clear that was not happening, we were not married, i come from a broken home and wanted to ensure i was not vulnerable financially. So I have a good pension and have worked throughout. What is your partner offering you?

This with bells 🔔

[Lavenderlast]

The way that leads to most harmony is to have one joint account, all money goes in and is joint. This needs the higher earner to be quite enlightened though.

Another option (which we do) is:

• You have a joint account plus you both have individual accounts.
• ALL joint expenses come out of the joint account,
• If you are both earning, you both fill up the joint account in proportion to your income, ie if he earns twice what you do, he pays in twice what you do.
• If you are not earning, he pays in 100%.

Where it gets complicated is if you aren’t earning but he is earning more than he’s paying into the joint account ie he is saving lots and continually buting treats for himself they you can’t afford for yourself. That isn’t fair and basically in that situation he should increase what he pays into the joint account so that your lifestyle keeps up with his.

Gets more complicated re ISAs and pensions.

[Ohnoohdear]

Me and my partner have a personal account each and a third joint “bills” account. I work part time and look after DS and he works full time. We both put in all of our incomes into joint account and once all bills/rent is paid we both get an equal amount of “fun money” sent back to personal accounts. That way we can both have our own money to splurge/save. It has worked well for us!

[Anonnnnnnm]

Joint account if you're living together and share the pot. Other parent usually can't work without the SAHP taking care of childcare etc. so fairs fair.

[MakkaPakkas]

I was in this situation. Joint account. All our money was and still is shared. If I trust someone to be the father of my kids or they trust me to be the mother of theirs we trust each other with our money. I realise this doesn't work for everyone but it's good for us.

[waitingpatientlyforspring]

I've never been a sahp but I did go part time and took a year off work with each child.

From the month before we got married, we switched from two individual accounts and 1 joint to just one joint account. All money is family money. My dh watches account and when money is tight he says I have to go careful until pay day. Most DD's come out just after pay day so anything left is for food and other spends.

For many years DH earned more than me. Now I earn more than him. It doesn't matter, we are a family and all money is family money.

[Floralnomad]

I’ve been married for over 30 yrs only ever worked very pt and not at all for the last 7 yrs , we’ve always had a joint account and I manage all the finances . We discuss big spends otherwise I do as I please , my husband rarely spends anything and never has .

[Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas]

For us the same way as we did before I was a SAHM. We both have the same amount of monthly pocket money (hair cuts, clothes, going out separately without child) and the rest goes to the joint account. The joint account covers everything family (bills, prescriptions, car, and child related including coffee at soft play).

[ForestFae]

We have a joint account and use that for everything. We’ve set up as many of our bills to come out within the first 3 days after my husbands payday, therefore after those days, we know the majority of the money left is free for us to use.

[Louise0701]

Joint account. Debit card each and spend what we like from that. Don’t need allowances or to ask for money.

[Rinatinabina]

We have joint accounts and individual accounts (mainly because we had them before and have DD running from there). I use my card for the joint account, savings are in my name, never had to ask DH for money and I think tbh if he suggested i have an allowance I would have lost my shit.

BUT we are very much on the same page in terms of how money is spent and we have a budget and we respect that budget. Because we have a budget we both know how much presents cost, we are fine with that. You could set a present budget and take cash out to buy but tbh after you’ve been married for a while it feels a bit of faff.

[Margotshypotheticaldog]

I suppose for the people who have found themselves in an incredibly vulnerable situation financially, they just want to shout GET MARRIED & JOINT ACCOUNT from the mountain tops when they see another woman potentially going down the same route. The mention of an allowance gave me the shivers I have to admit. Your situation op is clearly not that precarious as you are getting married soon.

[Margotshypotheticaldog]

You do see so many threads on here where the sahm is paying for everything for the baby, with no joint account. And when they try to go back to work their partner expects them to pay all child care costs out of their (often small) wage. I appreciate this is not your situation though.

[MassiveSalad22]

No I don’t get given an allowance, I would find that very patronising.

Joint accounts. All our accounts are joint and we each have access to all of them. Some people on MN seem unable to get their heads around this 😂

[Philandbill]

Joint account for everything for the children and house and an individual account for our own spending money. For a while DH earned more than me, then we earned a similar amount and currently I earn more. As things have changed we've adjusted how much goes into the joint so that we each have the same amount in our personal account. We're a team and this works well for us. I'd hate either of us having to tell the other how much we'd spent on clothes, books, etc if it all came from the joint account.

[Newforumnewname]

There’s a total pot - my earnings and his (I work a very few hours, he earns over ten times my wage)
All go in together - this is notional, we actually get paid into our own accounts but it’s considered 1 pot mentally.
All outgoings (everything from mortgage to phone contracts to kids club fees) come out of this pot, mostly by DD from his account but we have a joint account he puts money into for food and petrol and anything we need for the house.
We then agreed an amount we would have each for personal spends, we both get £750 a month. I get £100 on top of that for any kid related expenses (not clothes, more like soft play fee etc)
The rest we save.
So basically financially we get exactly the same each.

[HillCrestingGoat]

I am also saying the whole get that wedding brought as close as you can and I have been happily married for almost 25 years. So I am not bitter because it happened to me. I have been on MN for 16 years and we see it time and time again. Being engaged is not married. Marriage comes with legal protections and having a child whilst not married does put you at risk, we can't help but point that out. Even down to registering your baby, you need your partner to go with you as you are unmarried to put his name on the birth certificate. If you were married one of you could register the baby.

As for money, this comes down to attitudes to money and expectations. I have been a SAHM for 17 years. Dh and I have a joint bank account, I have my own account that the child benefit gets paid into. Dh has his own account too. We have a joint credit card and I spend what I like, when I like. But, we have surplus money every month so I am able to spend just like Dh does. We had a rule that said any single spend over £100 had to be run by the other person just in case they too did the same sort of spending. The credit card is paid in full automatically every month. I also have savings in my sole name, double the amount that Dh does. Each year we look over what we have spent and where we spent it, no you spent this, but just a factual look at the accounts.

All money for the baby should come out of the joint family pot. Another thing to also think about is how household chores are divided, you and he both need the same amount of down time and when you return to work then he needs to be back involved with domestic chores. What tends to happen is you are expected to do everything because you are at home all day with a baby when on maternity leave and then the chap expects you to continue to do it all, plus work as he is used to it. And yes, I have seen this so much in real life as well as on here.