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SAHP

A place for stay at home mums and dads to discuss life as a full-time parent.

Original poster

I want to stay home!

29 replies

AlfieJMummy · 02/03/2022 22:49

my partner wants to change jobs/careers as he’s unhappy in his job and we have an 8 month old. I haven’t gone back from maternity leave yet and I am desperate to stay home with my little one. I have panic attacks thinking about going back to work and the thought of leaving him breaks my heart!

anyway, my question is, what job does your partner do to make enough for you to stay home and live comfortably? I don’t want my little one to miss out on days out/birthdays ect.

OP posts:
Kite22 · 02/03/2022 22:51

Why will they miss out on days out, and birthdays?

When dc1 was born, my dh was a student, and I went back FT after my 3 months of maternity leave ended, as everyone did then.

gogohm · 02/03/2022 22:57

If geez not already in a well paid job I doubt he will earn enough in a few weeks for you to stay at home. I managed it because I managed to find a job managing an apartment block and doing end of tenancy cleans that didn't pay for the management part but got a free apartment including utilities (I got the end of tenancy cleaning money and did it once exh got home)

Howshouldibehave · 02/03/2022 22:58

Why would your baby miss out?!

I went back when mine were very small-to help pay the mortgage. It’s really tough on one person being the sole earner. How does your partner feel about it?

I would never be an unmarried SAHP unless I was already independently financially secure,

mynameiscalypso · 02/03/2022 22:59

There's no amount of money that my DH could earn that would make me want to give up my career and financial independence.

Hercisback · 02/03/2022 23:00

Why would he miss out? Do that stuff at the weekend.

ThymePoultice · 02/03/2022 23:02

What job does he do? What kind of qualifications does he have? Better to start from there than to ask about other people’s jobs. Unless he can afford to go back to college and completely retrain?

How do you feel about working part time yourself if that is more financially achievable? Perhaps evenings, so you can be “at home” when the baby is awake? Does your current job make evenings a possibility? Maybe we can make helpful suggestions if we have more information.

ThymePoultice · 02/03/2022 23:03

@Howshouldibehave

Why would your baby miss out?!

I went back when mine were very small-to help pay the mortgage. It’s really tough on one person being the sole earner. How does your partner feel about it?

I would never be an unmarried SAHP unless I was already independently financially secure,

To be fair, that’s quite a brusque line to take when you’re posting on the SAHP board.
ddshocker · 02/03/2022 23:04

Well putting aside the fact that I wouldn't because I want to be independent, it depends on a few things
1.are you married?

  1. What are the household outgoings?
  2. What are you expecting from dh? Financially, around the house etc etc
4.what does your partner want, because to be honest it's not just your decision @AlfieJMummy
Viviennemary · 02/03/2022 23:08

Get an evening job for a while if you can't bear to leave your baby.

Scottishgirl85 · 03/03/2022 10:06

I went back full-time after 1 year maternity with both our children. Still full-time now they're 3 and 7. I wouldn't have it any other way. We have a wonderful life at weekends and holidays, and never have to worry about money. Going to nursery was great for our girls, they really benefited from it. And I have built my career and am very independent.

AlexaShutUp · 03/03/2022 10:08

Does he want to be the sole earner, OP? If he is currently unhappy in his work, that sounds like a lot of pressure. Could you both work part time instead?

JustHereWithPopcorn · 03/03/2022 10:09

Would you consider going back part time? Or weekends/evenings etc working around when the dad is home to have the baby?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 03/03/2022 10:09

Please don't become a SAHP if unmarried. It's quite a vulnerable position to put yourself in if you do not have a healthy independent income outside of working

rainbowandglitter · 03/03/2022 10:12

Echoing what others have said. I know a few families where the parents work different hours so they don't have to use childcare (evenings and weekends).

Pegasussnail · 03/03/2022 10:16

I think it's unfair to put the whole financial burden of the house to your husband

You could go part time and still have the best of both worlds.

beattieedny · 03/03/2022 10:29

I am a SAHP, but it was a joint decision ahead of having the children and involves A LOT of sacrifices on both our parts. Absolutely love it, but not everyone can do so and it has to be decided together to prevent guilt/resentment/financial insecurity. We are married (have been for decades).

SpinsForGin · 03/03/2022 10:33

There's no reason to believe your child will miss out.

Without knowing your partners qualifications and experience it's very difficult to give any careers advice.

DinosaurOfFire · 03/03/2022 10:54

A couple of things stand out: you say partner, and you also are worried about the financial implications of you staying home.

If you are not married, stayng at home is not sensible, as it financially puts you at more risk. It's not that married people are more committed than those who aren't, its that there are legal protections based on marriage that don't exist for couples who are not married.

Financially: I am a SAHM and my DH earns over £60k. We live in an area which has low costs of living- our mortgage for eg is around the £300 mark for a large 3 bed house. If we lived in a more expensive area, I would need to return to work. We live comfortably- we have 3 kids, they don't go without, we go on camping holidays every year, abroad every couple of years, have birthday parties, days out, etc.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/03/2022 10:57

He’s looking for a job, not to stop working? He might find something that pays more. He might be happy for you to take some time out and stay at home. You’ll need to look at your finances together and talk, talk, talk about what’s best for your family than continue to review and discuss it as things progress.

As others have said, if you’re not married then keeping your own income gives you more security.

CommonPrimrose · 03/03/2022 11:03

Keep talking to your partner.
I echo what's said about being unmarried. I was a sahp but only because it was financially feasible and we were married.

sageandbasil · 10/03/2022 19:23

My DH and I decided years ago I'd be a SAHM. We've just had a DD and I've given up work. I was a dental nurse and I hated it, I'm not registered anymore. If I do go back to work itl be to something I enjoy. My husbands a dentist and works really long hours so it makes sense for me to be at home and we're both happy with it. If that changes we’ll have another conversation. I absolutely wouldn't if I wasn't married though.

Margo34 · 22/03/2022 12:15

DH is in a well paid job (food industry, import export) but we decided together that I would go back to work part time despite being able to afford being a SAHM. I worked my ass off for my career to get to where I am and it would be very hard to get back in from the outside without any current CPD or up to date experience, so I'm keeping my foot in the door.

Another thing to thing about re financials of being a SAHP - you'll have no independent income now but also later down the line when you reach retirement, your pension will have been scuppered too as you won't be working to maintain contributions so you'll likely be financially dependent on your DP then too. Just something else to consider.

thebeespyjamas · 23/04/2022 19:48

You are totally valid in the way you feel. Wanting to stay home with your baby.

What about working from home?

Do you have very good English by any chance because I work from home doing transcription, note taking, and minutes .

I can help you get set up for that with some more advice?

My husband is not on a large wage but we do not live an extravagant lifestyle. He uses credit, he's the money guy, I work for pin money doing the above and always look for freelance ventures.

He's entering a career though and hopes to be well paid, and he wants me as a housewife so it's all good.

How does he feel about you staying home? Does he want to endeavour to support you in that?

thebeespyjamas · 23/04/2022 19:49

Kite22 · 02/03/2022 22:51

Why will they miss out on days out, and birthdays?

When dc1 was born, my dh was a student, and I went back FT after my 3 months of maternity leave ended, as everyone did then.

There is no period in history where "everyone" has gone back to work 3 months after having their baby.

thebeespyjamas · 23/04/2022 19:52

Howshouldibehave · 02/03/2022 22:58

Why would your baby miss out?!

I went back when mine were very small-to help pay the mortgage. It’s really tough on one person being the sole earner. How does your partner feel about it?

I would never be an unmarried SAHP unless I was already independently financially secure,

Why do people ask why baby would miss out?

It's fine people chose to go back to work or had to but if this person feels their baby would miss them while they aren't there then they are right. A baby that young does prefer their mother around, it's just a fact. Don't deny reality.

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