What to consider before being a SAHM?

[Nfblues]

Hi all, I’m 23 weeks pregnant and before TTC we agreed that I would be a SAHM until nursery age, mainly DH’s choice. DH is very chilled and let’s me always go with what I want, however this is the only thing he’s ever put his foot down about and I know it’s important to him that DC doesn’t go to nursery until 3ish. I don’t mind and have agreed mainly because of how important it is for him, although I am very worried about losing my identity and having no money for myself.

DH earns enough for us to be able to afford all necessities alone (rent, all bills, food shopping, occasional eating out etc) but will be tight on any once in a while extras such as car emergencies, my car insurance, abroad holidays etc. Before covid we were in the middle of a house purchase (which is currently on pause) and so although I have a big chunk of savings, it’s for the deposit and not really for me to use as ‘my money’ whilst SAH. We have looked at our finances loads and DH will have £150ish left at the end of the month, he has said he will give me the £100 to do as I wish and the last £50 to keep for a rainy day.

I’ve seen a lot of posts on MN about mums feeling like they’ve lost their identity, don’t have any money for themselves and feel like they’re doing all the housework due to being a SAHM. I’m a bit worried about all this and would love to ask if anyone has any tips or things they think is important to discuss and decide before baby comes?? Tia

[Tobebythesea]

Do YOU want to be a SAHP? I desperately did before I had a baby. I found out very quickly that it wasn’t for me. Working part time? Yes, good balance.

Having a baby has been amazing but at the same time it was like a grenade went off in my life and everything changed. My DH’s life hardly changed.

Apologies, but I don’t think you can afford it either. £150 is tiny. Your boiler breaks? New tire? Two packets of nappies can be about £18 and if you do formula feed, prices have just gone up. eg Aptimil you are looking at nearly £60 a month. Baby swimming classes around here are £15 each week but obviously not essential.

In your position I would put your baby down on some childcare waiting lists (Not necessarily nursery) as they can be 12 months+ long. It gives you options. Could you share childcare? Compacted hours?

What he is saying is sparking massive warning bells. Don’t leave yourself vulnerable. Babies can change everything.

[Tobebythesea]

*tyre

[Nixen]

Alarm bells ringing all over the shop here

[addictedtotheflats]

£100 a month for you?! Wow. I absolutely would not be able to survive off that if its anything like maternity leave. Playgroups, activities, lunches, clothes, travel, parking, entry to places. I definitely wouldn't be giving up work for that. Is he planning to pitch in on evenings and weekends? What about if you want a night out with friends? Will you have to ask for spends? I think you would regret it to be honest. Dont let a man dictate what you do, you will just end up resenting him.

[WhatAWonderfulDay]

On the flip side, we had a lot less left over when I started to be a sahm. I was quite worried about the financial side of things and how DH would behave. But he never grudged me anything, never asked questions, never made me feel small.

Keep your options open and make sure the door back is firmly open. Keep an open mind , you may enjoy it all. I know I did - specially because I had a way back in.

[pinktaxi]

Make sure you have a bank account in your own name with an allowance, agreed by both of you so that you don't need to 'ask' for new clothes etc. Keep your hand in with nursing by subscribing to magazines and courses in your career. I took 8 years off with 2 young children and loved the easy life I had, and how stress free it was, but decided I did need to go back to work when DD started school.

Just enjoy you time off. Meet friends. Have coffee mornings, do hobbies, meet new people. Even go to the dreaded 'soft play'!

[EnidsCrochetCorner]

@Nfblues Having been a SAHM for almost 16 years I will tell you for us it has been a success. I did return to work for a while after DS1 was born and became a SAHM when he was 18 months ish.

I think job wise you are in a better position than a lot of people who pause their careers. But I firmly agree with what Tribot says about established roles by the time you want to return to work.

Usually the SAHP has taken on the role of all housework, shopping, cooking etc and then when that person returns to work the working person has become so used to not doing these things that they are reluctant to take these roles back on. The picking up and dropping off becomes your responsibility and their day to day remains the same.

I went into this with a very willing Dh who had shared the nursery runs when we both worked before I became a SAHM. So I knew he would come home, roll his sleeves up and dive right in. He enjoys spending time one on one with the children, even when it has been challenging.

Attitude to money and spending can also be a massive bone of contention, so discussions about the costs of baby items, clothing, shoes in the future etc matter.

But even as a SAHM Ds1 attended nursery one day a week to give me some time to myself. He is now 17 years old! He thrived at nursery and a home with me.

This is about communication, just because you both plan something doesn't mean it will work out. He needs to understand that if this isn't right for you then he will support you returning to work. You are allowed to change your mind.