What to consider before being a SAHM?

[Nfblues]

Hi all, I’m 23 weeks pregnant and before TTC we agreed that I would be a SAHM until nursery age, mainly DH’s choice. DH is very chilled and let’s me always go with what I want, however this is the only thing he’s ever put his foot down about and I know it’s important to him that DC doesn’t go to nursery until 3ish. I don’t mind and have agreed mainly because of how important it is for him, although I am very worried about losing my identity and having no money for myself.

DH earns enough for us to be able to afford all necessities alone (rent, all bills, food shopping, occasional eating out etc) but will be tight on any once in a while extras such as car emergencies, my car insurance, abroad holidays etc. Before covid we were in the middle of a house purchase (which is currently on pause) and so although I have a big chunk of savings, it’s for the deposit and not really for me to use as ‘my money’ whilst SAH. We have looked at our finances loads and DH will have £150ish left at the end of the month, he has said he will give me the £100 to do as I wish and the last £50 to keep for a rainy day.

I’ve seen a lot of posts on MN about mums feeling like they’ve lost their identity, don’t have any money for themselves and feel like they’re doing all the housework due to being a SAHM. I’m a bit worried about all this and would love to ask if anyone has any tips or things they think is important to discuss and decide before baby comes?? Tia

If there’s only £150 left to play, I don’t know if you can afford to be a SAHM...

How will you continue to pay your pension will so little spare cash? How easy will it be for you to pick up your career again?

If your DH is so keen on not using nursery until your DC is three, it sounds as if it would be better if he was the SAHP. My DT’s went to full time nursery from being six months, best decision we have ever made so don’t rule out going back to work.

I'd be looking to go back to work at least a day a week just to maintain some balance (if you would like to). If your husband doesn't want to use nursery then he needs to drop a day of work or look into alternatives such as childminders. Whilst 3 is an age where they start to gain much more from nursery, an earlier start will not disadvantage them at all.

Wow I wasn’t expecting so many responses, thank you!

Some things to clarify though, DH is in no way forcing me or anything like that. He is not a controlling person and is very happy for us to find a solution that works. We discussed this when we first met and it was the only major thing he has expressed important to him, I agreed as back then I thought it would be best from a financial point of view (my salary would just cover nursery fees and we have no family local for help with childcare) and that I’d enjoy it. Now that I’m pregnant and it’s imminent, I’m backtracking a little out of fear from what I read on MN.

Re the £100 I mentioned, this is more for extra frivolous bits, such as snacks, clothes and makeup. Things like phone bill, gym membership, money for bigger clothes purchases, haircuts etc are included within the budget. We use YNAB and have for years so every pound is allocated as such. The £150 is the remaining, non budgeted amount leftover. Note all this money is in our joint account so I have full access to it, it’s not like I can’t use it if out and about with baby and getting lunch or something like that.

Re savings and pension - I do have £5k in savings purely for me and we have budgeted DH to pay into a private pension for me also. I am a nurse (although not currently working in a traditional nursing role) and have the option of doing a bank weekend / night shift as needed.

@MuchTooTired thank you for sharing, your post is exactly the things that I am worried about now, especially as it’s becoming more real. DH is in no way financially controlling but I have a worry that I may feel vulnerable which is not a feeling I am used to financially. I’m also not sure how I will feel in mood and getting fed up of no adult conversation. I am very happy to be pregnant if course, this is a much wanted baby by both of us - but don’t know how I will feel about myself afterwards. I hope that makes sense.

I like the suggestion of waiting until maternity leave is over before making any big decisions to see how we feel. Thank you to everyone who has commented, lots of things to think about and discuss!

DH earns more than me, hence me being the SAHP. I also have a more stable job as a nurse, I have the privilege of always being able to go back to it without issue no matter how many years I take out. As a nurse I have a minimum number of hours to do yearly anyway to keep on the register so I will be doing a few random shifts but not regularly - also can’t think of anything worse than having a baby and doing night shifts!

DONT DO IT. I’m seven years in. DH has his own business. Covers all the costs, I have girls holidays every year, nice house, car ect.. bit I’m stuck. I lost my career, I lost my self independence, lost the ability to say your know what? This isn’t working for me’ . Don’t get me wrong my husband is a great bloke but if I wanted to leave tomorrow I couldn’t. If he started shagging some one behind my back tomorrow I’d be dependant on him not being a total twat and fucking me and my kids up financially.

I want to add here .. you never really know anybody.

It really doesn’t matter what access to money you have now - what counts is the access to money you would have if he or you left..

I’ve enjoyed being a SAHM even working at his business at points but it all boils down to in reality if he pulled money you’d be fucked. Don’t under estimate the scared feelings you WILL have when you realise your financially trapped.

I know it’s miserable to even think like this but do just spend a little time thinking what would happen if you were to split up and you are not working. Spousal maintenance is not popular in courts. Therefore you would be expected to work at some stage. Equity on the house would be split. Could you manage. In your career returning to work would be easier than most. Is your Hs pension sufficient to be shared? Just give it some thought before you become financially dependent on one person.

I was a sahm for a few years. Wouldn't do it again but it seems like you have got the big things sorted, namely pension and the ability to go back to work.

If children not going to nursery is so important to him maybe you can both go part time? Then he gets the benefit of building a good relationship with his child too.

I won't sugar coat it, being the one at home is obviously full of the joy of your kids but it's also mostly drudgery and can feel v much like being household servant. DH can go for a quick drink after work - who would begrudge that?- you never can though. You can never go out until he gets back.

You also need to find ways of having she things for yourself. Things that will stimulate and interest you that are not connected to the house and family or you will go mad.

As I said, I wouldn't do it again. Honestly his determination it should happen but lack of expectation that he should do anything to make it happen is a little worrying.

I had a baby and gave up work and became a SAHM.

I had another baby and my DP gave up work and became a SAHD.

Fair.

Have you asked what is fair, OP?

I was a sahm mum for few years as that's what I wanted to do . Financially it was a bit of a struggle but then job I had didn't pay well and after childcare didn't leave me with much either . I then had small gap between mine so I could get back to work sooner but knew I def wanted 2 kids
I did end up getting a little evening job for couple hours when youngest was about 2 and then when he was 4 and started school I went back to work but did have to build my career again
I loved being a sahm but not everyone does and I didn't tell work I wasn't coming back until as late as possible in my maternity leave just incase situation changed

What to consider?

What would you do if the marriage went south and you've been completely financially dependent on him?

Agree with part time job when he is around to do child care.
That builds up bond between DH and DC.
I fully planned on being SAHM, but only lasted 6 weeks, it drove me bonkers.

Op, be careful. Lots of people find maternity leave lonely & isolating. And some men change in response to you becoming a dependent.

Plus loss of earnings, pension, skills etc. You would be making yourself very vulnerable.

Why not take your maternity leave and then see how you feel?

We discussed this when we first met and it was the only major thing he has expressed important to him
A strange thing to have discussed with someone you've just met. And this is something so important to him that he's prepared to make absolutely no sacrifice to make that happen? No sacrifice to his own career, no sacrifice to his own salary, beyond being willing to cover your expenses - a choice he can unmake at any time.

Putting it another way, given the massive staffing crisis in the NHS exacerbated by Brexit and I suspect will only get worse following coronavirus, your job is almost certainly more valuable than his. Yes, I appreciate your family still has to be able to cover its costs but there is a bigger picture too.

Finally I would want to understand if I were you how the family roles will be rebalanced once dc reaches 3 years old. What seems to happen quite often (based on MN posts) is that by then the SAHP has assumed all responsibility for the household as well as childcare, the WOHP's career is taking off even further and faster and so it 'makes sense' for the continued sacrifice of money, free time and choices to be made by only one of the couple. The WOHP may indicate that they aren't willing to make any adjustments to their own lifestyle to allow greater flexibility for the other, possibly citing the fact that they have been funding everything up until now, so why should they?

I'd suggest you both go part-time and, if nothing else, this may test more effectively just how much he believes his child shouldn't go into childcare before the age of 3. It's easy enough to say this in the abstract but unless he's prepared to take the hit to his career and finances, it's just words.

What are his reasons for not wanting children to attend nursery until aged 3?
Even though you agreed to it earlier in the relationship you are entitled to change your mind.
I found maternity leave lonely and isolating. I know not everyone does, but towards the end I was counting the days until I could return to work.

It depends what your current job is. How easy will it be to re-enter the workplace after a gap in employment?

I absolutely loved being a SAHM but we had more than £150 at the end of the month so it was less of an issue.
This time I will have to go back and I'm dreading it although luckily I can go part time.
You don't sound keen though. Is there a way you can work round each other? Your husband doesn't want your LO in nursery but what do you want? If he's so keen he needs to change his working hours so you can both work.
Also sort out who will do what housework and childcare. Will he help with night feeds or if they're sick? Will he look after the baby so you get some me time?
I found being at home amazing but not everyone does. So see how you feel in maternity leave and if you want to go back to work you need to stand up to your husband. Suggest you or he or both go part time, or one of you work evenings or weekends or you do compressed days. There are ways to make it work without childcare but he needs to help. It's not all down to you.

I stayed at home until my DD was 2 and she started nursery. By that time, I was quite glad as she was becoming a handful and needed more stimulation and to socialise with other children. With hindsight, I think she would have benefited from going to nursery 1 or 2 days from 1.5 years. I seriously wouldn’t know how to keep a 2-3 year old entertained. She is learning loads at nursery, more than she would have done at 3. Can you compromise and say start nursery at 2? The research says 2 is a good age to start nursery.

*at home.

We didn’t want our babies in nursery/childminder until they were at least 2.

So we worked shifts around them. Dh has a more flexible job so he changed his work so he worked in the office 3 days and then evenings plus one weekend day, but remaining fulltime. My job was less flexible so I went back part time just 2 days a week which is when dh looked after them. Obviously I did the bulk of childcare as I was the part time worker and it was hard only having one weekend day together as a family, but I think it was worth it.

As a nurse could you do similar with weekend work?

You can’t afford it. It’s shit anyway.

If you do go back think about the cost such as getting to work and if you do decide you need childcare (even if it's just for a morning/afternoon) or if you are going to be eating at work.
I'm not saying that to put you off but because sometimes you are not much better off working.
If you stay at home try and have some sort of routine in place. I found if I didn't I got very little done, although it does depend on the baby's development.

Babies attitude not development.

I stopped reading when I read it was something dh wants. That's not fair and being at home is notoriously difficult. Why doesn't he do it? Bastard.