Should I become a SAHM?

[bubblybrit]

I’ve recently returned to full time employment after 12 months maternity leave.

My job has always been difficult/stressful but it’s even more so now that I’m working from home whilst looking after my DD who is 14 months. My DH is also working from home so we are trying to take childcare in turns. It just seems impossible right now as I’m sure it is for many parents.

I have been unhappy in my job even before I went off on maternity leave but the pay is good and I like the security of being independent as well as saving for my DDs future.

I have considered a change in career but roles that appeal to me are much lower paid than the role I’m in now. I’m not sure if I’d want to work the same (or longer in some cases) hours to bring in a fraction of what I do now even although it would be less stressful.

My DH has a good salary and says that he would support a change in career or even me becoming a SAHM.

I’ve got savings of around £30k plus he would amend his bank account to joint so I’d have access to money as and she I needed it if I were to become a SAHM.

I don’t know what to do for the best. Options are:

1. suck up current role to keep earning good money for DDs future (perhaps lockdown is making me hate it even more than normal!)
2. change careers to a field that I’m passionate about but pay would be lower. There is also a possibility of setting up own business in this field which I find quite attractive as being my own boss is always something I’ve wanted to do
3. become a SAHM and accept that we will need to make changes to our way of living. Bills etc would be taken care of but would need to consider impact on holidays/indulgent purchases etc

Another factor is that I’d like to expand our family in a year or twos time. We could afford a second baby on one salary but would make things a little tighter.

Just wondering what the pros/cons would be and what else you’d need to consider before making any sort of decision.

Sorry it’s a bit scrambled but just really unsure what to do for the best and don’t want to make a wrong decision.

Without a doubt. Leave.
You can re-evaluate things in a few months /year or so maybe.
I only coped by going P/T.
I even found that stressful!!

As for holidays, indulgent purchases... having children changes your priorities!
For me, the fortnight in Bali wasn't so appealing after having DC.

Honestly I would try and suck it up for now until this is all over and you can re-evaluate. Working f/t with kids in the house is impossible so not a true picture of what it's like.

What is the situation like in your industry is furlough or redundancy likely to come off the back of this?

I would make no decision now, while on lockdown, recently after returning from maternity leave -- we're both working from home with a young child, and it's difficult, and I don't think is a good time to be making significant career decisions. And particularly not in your case, when you're only recently back at work after ML, so you've had a lot of big changes. Is your DH pulling his weight in childcare terms? I ask only because if you've been bearing the brunt while on ML, and now suddenly you're back at work, but both working from home, it may be that it's not as 50/50 as it might be otherwise.

In your shoes, I would thoroughly investigate the career change. I would never even consider becoming a SAHP, personally. In my experience, it suits very few people (of either sex), and making yourself financially dependent on someone else in the hope that your relationship continues is just not a good idea.

@Otherrooms. Yes holidays etc won’t be as important...I guess I just mean that I still want an enjoyable lifestyle with DD rather than having to cut back on everything fun! Don’t think we’d need to do that though it’s still a concern. Can’t work p/t in my role unfortunately or else I’d jump at the chance.

I’d keep your job at all costs. We’re looking at global recession, maybe even depression and making sure you have a secure job might be even more important than you think.

Life is too short to be desperately unhappy in your job. I’d be a SAHM and finish having the number of DCs you want. Get all the babies and toddlers done. If you have them around two years apart, they’ll play with each other and have a close bond. Then when they are starting nursery/primary, look at doing the career you said you’d love to do, maybe start your own business then. Then you can go from PT to FT as the children get older abs more independent.
It sounds like you and DH are working as a team. The finances being joint is essential.
Other things to consider are
-claim child benefit even if he makes over the limit and you end up not using it and paying it back with your taxes. This is so you get the state pension credit until the youngest turns 12 while you aren’t working
-get life insurance for DH in case something happens and you are left trying to raise children and no job.
-if you have a private pension, try and budget so that you are still paying something into it from DHs salary.
-consider having regular family budget conversations with DH because when income drops and you are on a tight budget it’s best to communicate often about whether you have adjusted the family lifestyle enough to live within new income level. Otherwise couples tend to get trapped in a cycle of feeling like there is not enough money, so the DH starts working more and more hours to make more money, the SAHM then starts feeling that the DH is not being a father and leaving her to do all the work. Resentment builds.

@inwood. This is my concern...I’m worried that lockdown is magnifying everything and I’m not getting a true reflection of juggling a child with f/t employment. I was back at work for 3 weeks before lockdown kicked in. So we weren’t in an established routine with nursery/work etc. Furlough isn’t possible in my industry as I work in finance. We have already been through a restructure so redundancies have already been made and more is unlikely.

A fortnight in Bali termtime is probably cheaper than a week in Cornwall in the school holidays

can you reduce your hours?

I would wait for now, once lock down eased, reevaluate. I personally could never be a SAHP, would find it very hard and monotonous also could never rely on anyone financially (which is just as well as I divorced and then dc dad died).

@Londubh. I am fearful that I’m jumping the gun a little bit. My DH helps out as much as he can...he has been recently promoted though so should be working more hours rather than less. I’m so far behind with work (as is he) that it’s scary. I’m the one making homemade meals though and feeding DD throughout the day. Which takes up more time than you would think! DH will then play with her for a little bit and then take her out for some fresh air to allow me to focus on work. We have even split holidays over Easter so we each get a chance to work in peace. I’ve never been financially dependent on anyone and I’m a bit worried about it even although there are pluses to being at home with DD!

@PotteringAlong. Yes I agree with this as my job is secure at the moment as I work for a large finance company that is unlikely to go under even in these uncertain times.

I would Keep your job for now but request to go part-time, best of both worlds. Your dc is still young and if you want more children the maternity pay of a higher paying job always helps!

Lockdown isn’t the time to make these decisions, IMO.

I’d hold out if you can.

I think this is not the time to be making this move. Wait until the pandemic is over and what life is like on the other side.

@PlanDeRaccordement. Yes I take your point on board as it’s the same one what my DH makes as he doesn’t want to see me unhappy. I’m just not sure whether to ride it out until we see some sort of normality and then maybe consider a change in career. Wouldn’t really want to set up a small/new business in the current climate. SAHM would help out DH as he would be able to focus on his work knowing that DD is being cared for and majority of household tasks completed. just worried that I’d been bored after a while as my work is quite varied whereas each day would be pretty much the same as a SAHM in my opinion (although I might be wrong!). Yes had considered CB as well as pension. We also have life insurance in place already for a decent sum of money. Good point on family budget though!

but the pay is good and I like the security of being independent as well as saving for my DDs future.

This is why I would, and have, stayed at work. I like my job though, but with 2 incomes we’ve weathered redundancy, recession, 2 maternity leaves, extended sick leave and now COVID-19 - we’re not expecting DH’s business to be in good shape in a few weeks time, for some years to come. Also, these boards often have posts from women who are financially dependent on partners who become abusive or leave them, and leave them with no income and no earning power. Your salary is not about tropical holidays, it’s about ongoing resilience and independence.

@Shouldbedoing. No chance of reducing my hours I’m afraid. My manager has been very fair and flexible though as does allow me to finish early if DD requires attention and it’s all getting too much

@Murraygoldberg. It’s the potential monotony of it all that worries me. After 12 months of maternity leave I was ready to go back to work. However nothing has really changed within the company and the culture is still poor. Maybe I’m destined to work...just not where I work currently!

@Mummyshark2018. Unfortunately I can’t go part time. Would solve all my issues if I could!

@OhCaptain @Divebar. Yes the more I think about it I can see that lockdown is just adding more stress to my current role and might not be an accurate reflection

Interesting mix of responses, most people will be heavily influenced by their own preferences. Take any strong advice to do one thing or the other with a pinch of salt; this is your decision and there's no right or wrong, just whatever is best for you.

I agree with PPs who say that now is not the time to make big decisions. Working from home while also doing childcare under lockdown is pretty much a worst case scenario for a working parent! If I were you I would consider temporary solutions to get you through the current situation; could you and/or your DH reduce your working days/hours (using paid or unpaid leave) until childcare reopens? Most employers should be understanding and flexible at this time (not all are, obviously, but it's still worth making your case!) If your employer insists on "all or nothing" (which would be short sighted IMO but they may do) could you request a month or two of unpaid parental leave?

FWIW I agree with you about retaining financial independence. Some people enjoy working full time and others enjoy being a full time SAHP. Personally I work part time and it works very well for me; I enjoy the balance. I am lucky to have a part time job I enjoy (it's not well paid though!)

Anyway, my advice is to keep your options open for now and try to use this time to think about your priorities. Would you be willing to look for a part time job, even if it's lower pay, or take the risk of starting your own business in the current climate? Would you be willing to stay in your current job until DC2 is born and then consider stopping work or reducing your hours?

From your posts I get the impression that being a SAHM is not so important to you that you're willing to sacrifice your financial independence and scrimp and save, and that's fine. I might be wrong though and that's fine too. There is value in whichever path you take.

@BikeRunSki. I just don’t like the idea of being financially dependent on anyone. I work in finance so have seen couples where a partner has been financially abusive. My DH isn’t remotely like that but I take on board that things can change.

I think you need to ride out the lockdown as assuming your DH's job is safe is a big ask right now. You might leave and then DH is put on furlough, or made redundant. Nothing is certain at the minute, I think it would be really unwise to leave your job in the current climate.

Once we're out of this period you'll have a better idea. I can appreciate how hard it is though, it's not an easy option trying to work and take care of a child.