Should I become a SAHM?

[bubblybrit]

I’ve recently returned to full time employment after 12 months maternity leave.

My job has always been difficult/stressful but it’s even more so now that I’m working from home whilst looking after my DD who is 14 months. My DH is also working from home so we are trying to take childcare in turns. It just seems impossible right now as I’m sure it is for many parents.

I have been unhappy in my job even before I went off on maternity leave but the pay is good and I like the security of being independent as well as saving for my DDs future.

I have considered a change in career but roles that appeal to me are much lower paid than the role I’m in now. I’m not sure if I’d want to work the same (or longer in some cases) hours to bring in a fraction of what I do now even although it would be less stressful.

My DH has a good salary and says that he would support a change in career or even me becoming a SAHM.

I’ve got savings of around £30k plus he would amend his bank account to joint so I’d have access to money as and she I needed it if I were to become a SAHM.

I don’t know what to do for the best. Options are:

1. suck up current role to keep earning good money for DDs future (perhaps lockdown is making me hate it even more than normal!)
2. change careers to a field that I’m passionate about but pay would be lower. There is also a possibility of setting up own business in this field which I find quite attractive as being my own boss is always something I’ve wanted to do
3. become a SAHM and accept that we will need to make changes to our way of living. Bills etc would be taken care of but would need to consider impact on holidays/indulgent purchases etc

Another factor is that I’d like to expand our family in a year or twos time. We could afford a second baby on one salary but would make things a little tighter.

Just wondering what the pros/cons would be and what else you’d need to consider before making any sort of decision.

Sorry it’s a bit scrambled but just really unsure what to do for the best and don’t want to make a wrong decision.

Ride out the lockdown first. Is it the job or company? Could a company change help? Is there the opportunity to move up and earn more in the career you'd love? I wouldn't go to SAHP, if you found it difficult during maternity you probably won't be happy long term - that was my experience anyway. Don't think there's anything wrong with putting feelers out for a new job once lockdown is over though.

In your shoes, I would thoroughly investigate the career change. I would never even consider becoming a SAHP, personally. In my experience, it suits very few people (of either sex), and making yourself financially dependent on someone else in the hope that your relationship continues is just not a good idea

This. It’s a very long term risk for a short term gain.

Your partner needs to stop “ helping out “ with his house and his child and take on 50% of the work and the responsibility .

Coming back from mat leave plus lockdown will have exasperated the challenges but don't rush a decision. You can decide to leave but don't until you have a clear path ahead. Take the time to plan.

Financial independence is critical as it changes the dynamics in the relationship and you won't know if your Dh is a good guy until you have made yourself dependant.

I stepped down from a full on career, always worked however just not earning significantly as previously. Ex h career took off and that is when power balances shifted. He obviously had these tendencies but he was very supportive of me helping with his career and often said so...until we divorced and he was happy to cut off finances. Do I regret trusting him? Yes, always make your own way, always ensure good pension contributions are made from the family pot. When a man divorces, in his mind, the pension becomes "his".

I agree with those saying don't make any decisions at the moment. Once lock down is over I'd seriously consider a change of career in your shoes, as being forced to work full time is not ideal with young DC, but would be wary of becoming a SAHP and being financially dependent as it makes you so vulnerable. In the mean time you and your DH need to split the day so you both get allocated time to work, and time looking after DC fairly.

Should have also added has your DH considered reducing his hours at all? It doesn't have to be all on you. DH and I both reduced our hours slightly when DS was small, and it worked really well. It meant we both took a small hit on income, and were equally responsible for childcare.

I absolutely wouldn't be handing my notice in with the current situation. Also I have seen too many woman on MN who give up careers to become SAHM and there DH bugger off and there left struggling. I would keep your financial independence and explore a different role once lock down is over.

I should add I come from a broken home and have 4DC and continue to work full time and have a pension. I couldn't rely on someone else financially ever

This is such a tricky one and will depend so much on your family's individual circumstances.

Until recently, DH and I both worked full time with two children - one in nursery and one at primary school. But because DH's commute was an hour and a half each way and my commute was only 30 mins, I was doing all the drop offs to breakfast club, all the pick ups from after school club and nursery, all the drs appointments, all the parents' evenings, the ballet rehearsals, the cooking, the bath times, etc, etc. DH would leave just as the DCs were eating breakfast and walk through the door just as the DCs were going to bed.

I tried dropping from five days to a four day week (work wouldn't let me do three days). But I found I was stuck in that classic trap of trying to fit five days' worth of work into four days, plus we could no longer justify spending on a cleaner, so my workload increased at home too.

Oh, and in the time since we'd had our first child, DH had been promoted and his salary had doubled, while I was still treading water in the same role and had been on the same salary for five years.

I was constantly exhausted and stressed and getting nowhere in my career because I couldn't put in the overtime or the hours of necessary networking. And after paying the nursery fees and the breakfast and after school club fees, we were only about £200 a month better off with me working.

All the arguments about keeping financial independence and your own pension and keeping a foot in the workplace, even if it's part time, are all valid - and they might swing it either way, depending on the industry you work in, the state of your marriage, and your DH's job security. But for me, none of the stress and the demoralisation as yet another junior, childless person was promoted above me, was worth it. My self-esteem dried up and I became depressed.

Eventually my DH said fuck it, leave your job. Life's too short to be so unhappy for such a large chunk of your day. So I became a SAHM just a month or so before the lockdown happened. The timing was actually pretty good considering that I'm now having to home school and DH is working from home and busier than ever. I've now got a place at uni in September to train for a completely new career. I'll be starting from scratch but I feel like a huge weight has been lifted and I'm excited about life again for the first time in years.

I guess what I'm trying to say in a very long-winded way, is that only you know where your line is. Some people will tell you they get up at 4.30am every day and do a two hour commute and only clear £50 at the end of the month after all the wrap around care is paid for, but they don't want to lose their foothold in the workplace or their financial independence, and that's fine if they're willing to suck it up. Personally, I wasn't. The trade off wasn't worth the impact on my mental health and my general wellbeing.

You need to make the decision that's right for you alone. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty either way.

It's your choice. You have an interest in financial independence. Lead with that!

I've read too many threads on here about women who have stopped working and then been left with massive problems when their relationship changed.

Lockdown is not a time to be making these sort of changes, purely because no one can predict the future.

Work to get a better balance at home just now, your DH should be equally parenting, equally sharing the mental load and equally sharing all household logistics.

How many hours a week do you both work? I've been trying (and failing but still hopeful) of getting to the stage where DH and I work our hours over 4 days each but one works Mon-Thu, the other Tue-Fri. The day that the other is off is a long day for the person working.

(We don't need to do my ideal at the moment as I'm part time but I'd like to be earning more)

Then with three non-working days each you plan for the three days when you both work by cooking in advance etc.

3 days off and 4 days on is a good balance to aim for if you can.

So stay with the same hours, just work them differently. You both have rights to request this.

@AnotherEmma. Yes you are right. I like the thought of being a SAHM (spending more time with DD, not stressing about work, keeping the house in order) BUT the reality concerns me (financial dependence, same thing day in and day out!)

Definitely no2.

I'm doing this now, but it's taken me until my 50's.
Go for the smaller income, a job you are passionate about and whilst doing it look at setting your own business up.
I started with a bit of research at night, perhaps just an hour or so to begin with.
Get as much set up as you can, all the little things that would stop you from starting straight away.
You can do this whilst also holding down your job.
I do know if you don't go for it, you'll regret it.

Keep working full time for now, but have another child soon. Then look at career change/becoming SAHM. The cost of child care for two is enormous and you would benefit more from waiting until you have two before you start dipping into savings etc. Child care aside, two children close together isn't actually much more of a financial layout than one. Assuming that you already have room in your current house and car.

Thanks all. I think I’d like to maintain financial independence as I’ve never been dependent on anyone as feel a bit uncomfortable with it to be honest.

DH wouldn’t be able to reduce hours. He has just been promoted and should be working more rather than less (he is working 50 hours at the moment but should be doing more than that!). My hours are also set around my clients working day so need to be available from 8am to 6pm each day. I’ve already spoken to my boss and there isn’t an option for me to reduce hours/work part time. She is flexible in terms of logging on an hour later/logging off an hour early if needed but that’s as much flexibility as I can have at the moment.

I think it’s sensible to try and ride out lockdown before looking at a change in career. It’s just going to be a little difficult in the meantime.

It’s both the job and company I guess. I like the job but the way the role is managed is awful. Micro managing at its best....although I know people with the same job at different companies that say the exact same thing. So think it’s just the industry as a whole and hence considering a career change.

Would you consider getting a (young, healthy) nanny during lockdown? Friends of mine both work full time in demanding jobs, like you and your DH, and they've employed a temporary nanny to look after their kids for a few days a week, which enables them both to get on with work during that time.

I’m a SAHM (for now) I was a freelancer in the broadcast industry before DS1 so the options are still there for me to do bits of work and work from home, fortunately.
I would say don’t decide yet. Lockdown is a weird time and it’s sensible to wait til things are more normal. Also do you want more children? Because if you want another, and want one fairly close in age to your 1 year old, perhaps something to consider is whether you want to wait to ensure maternity pay for your second round of maternity leave? Obviousky there’s lots more to weigh up which has been covered by PP’s but those are all subject to your marriage, finances, etc. I know if I had already returned to work (if I wasn’t freelancing) I would seriously consider waiting, in order to prepare financially and line up maternity pay.

@AnotherEmma. Unfortunately DH is asthmatic so would be a bit concerned about inviting anyone into our home at present 😬

@Blueswede. Yes we would like another child which is why I initially wanted to stay with my employer as the maternity package is very generous. However given the current situation I’m not sure if we will TTC when we initially thought. Might postpone things until some sort of normality returns. Just not sure if I’d want to remain with my current employer that long!

Option 2 for sure!