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SAHP

A place for stay at home mums and dads to discuss life as a full-time parent.

Original poster

Getting an allowance

34 replies

Gina36 · 20/02/2020 13:24

Hi, I just want to know if I'm being unreasonable?

So I take care of our 17 month old son full time whilst my husband also works a job full time.
We have separate bank accounts and husband earns over 40 thousand a year.
For a while I was having to ask for money all the time and I found it difficult so we set up an allowance of 600 a month. Out of this comes any grocery shopping, anything to do with baby, toiletries, baby groups, clothing, nappies e.t.c. I don't often have money left over for much but occasionally will get a haircut and things like that.
I've never asked for more but I struggle with that amount sometimes.
Childcare costs are so expensive that I would earn less at work right now but when our son is three we will get free childcare hours so I can return to work.
So I decided to start selling things on eBay, clothing things like that. Anyway, last night my husband said he would reduce the allowance by 150 a month or so because of this despite the fact I don't always earn that much. He then said whatever I earn he will reduce that amount in the allowance so it would always be the 600.

I was excited to have a bit more independence and I feel upset that he is in charge of everything, I also don't understand why we are always poor as he earns a good wage...am I just being totally unrealistic?
I forgot to say, he also gets money from a property he lets out every month.
He pays the mortgage, council tax water so I realise I am lucky to not have to contribute to this and I also realise I am very lucky compared to many but I guess I just wanted a few opinions on whether I am just being ungrateful or if my husband is being mean?

I actually quite like having my own account in lots of ways but still, a joint account seems so much more equal. I find mathematics and even quite simple arithmetic very difficult and he knows this so has always been the one to sort out bills e.t.c and work everything out. I had thought this was working well but now I'm not sure. I feel quite undermined but not sure if I'm being unreasonable.

I never ask or spend above the allowance he gives me.

OP posts:
dementedpixie · 20/02/2020 13:29

Why should the groceries and kids stuff come out of your allowance? They are joint expenses. Sounds like a cheap mean man trying to keep you under financial control

TokyoSushi · 20/02/2020 13:34

You know this is awful, right? Groceries and kids stuff have to come out of you 'allowance' - if you make anything extra by selling your stuff then your allowance gets reduced? Absolutely appaling controlling and abusive behaviour.

Iliketonamechangealot9876542 · 20/02/2020 13:34

Personally I couldn’t live how you are, it wouldn’t work for me. But I know it does for some people.
We have a joint bank account that both wages go into, all our bills come out of this and we use this for personal things as well. We’ve got Individual credit cards and both of us have a personal loan that comes out of our account. We’ve got 3 DC.

There have been times when I’ve been the main earner and he stayed at home with DS, same set up financially. I’ve been on maternity leave and earned next to nothing and still the same set up.

It works for us, but it doesn’t for everyone as I’ve said before.

In terms of why you as a family are always skint....So 40k after tax and pension would be around £2300 a month...
how much is the mortgage? Council tax bills circa around £400?

So £400 plus the £600 allowance you get is £1000 already, I’d imagine then after bills and mortgage that he probably has around £400 ish left a month.

Do you claim child benefit?

Original poster
Gina36 · 20/02/2020 13:44

Hi, we were late claiming as we had a family tragedy but have backdated money coming very soon. That will take pressure off a bit but again will still just mean that he reduces the allowance.
I can see that there is a lot of money coming out of his earnings but I believe he still has quite a bit of excess to spend on things like coffees, beers e.t.c. If we go to coffee shops ever he doesn't offer to pay though but I did put my foot down about this.... feel a bit of a mug.

OP posts:
Dinosauraddict · 20/02/2020 14:43

How much is your mortgage and key joint outgoings (bills etc)? Is he paying off student loan? Is he paying into pension? Where in the country are you based (e.g. London or NW)? Because whilst I think it sounds bad when you say that food, child groups etc come out of your own 'allowance', if that amount should cover the things that need paying for that it's easier if you pay (e.g. child groups as you're there, or your own haircuts) and you both have a similar disposable/fun money pot (which on £40k would be a lot less than £600 pm each) I think this could be fine... Personally however I think that when you're married and have a child it's far easier to have a joint account!

Original poster
Gina36 · 20/02/2020 14:50

Hi, the mortgage is around 800 a month, no student loans, he got a car that he's paying off 50 pounds a month, he has a pension. The allowance I get pays for all groceries, toiletries, cleaning products, clothing for son, phone bill and anything like that. I'm left with very little if any fun money

OP posts:
Lipperfromchipper · 20/02/2020 14:51

Where are ppl finding these men??!! What an asshole!!Angry

LovingLola · 20/02/2020 14:52

feel a bit of a mug.

Don’t.
Speak to him. Tell him the current set up is unfair. Who made him the boss of the family income?

Bluntness100 · 20/02/2020 14:55

Just get a job. Childcare costs should be paid by both of you. Not just you. You then have your independence and own account.

Original poster
Gina36 · 20/02/2020 14:56

Thank you for your comments, it is good to get feedback. Yes, I will speak to him, not sure what to say but I guess it would be good to share everything and if we are fortunate enough to have any disposable income at the end of the month, we split it down the middle. That way we don't have to feel guilty, I feel guilty all the time! Need a haircut but feels a ridiculous waste of money right now!

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 20/02/2020 14:59

I wouldn't be treated like an employee or a child so no, that wouldn't work for me.

How ours works is regardless of who is working and earning what, all the income goes into a joint account, all the bills are paid from that (including baby, groceries etc.) and then pensions, saving etc. Once that is deducted, we get an equal amount each for pocket money (haircuts, beer, coffees out, frivolous stuff).

pinkyredrose · 20/02/2020 14:59

You're being financially abused. You're a family, all income should be joint. At the moment he's acting like your dad deciding how much pocket you deserve.

Dinosauraddict · 20/02/2020 15:00

Ok so if he's on £40k, with no student loan and a pension contribution of 7% (I'm guessing that, could be higher or lower). After tax etc take home would be c. £2,374 per month. Minus £850 for mortgage and car, and £600 for your 'allowance' = £924. Fair to assume other bills including council tax, insurance, gas and water come to around £400, so probably around £525 left in the pot. This is before petrol/commuting costs and monthly savings (assuming your save some for house maintenance/emergencies etc as you own) so probs max £400 left in pot? Depends on your point of view, but yes I think this should be split more fairly and you should have access to more disposable/fun money. Really you should both understand exactly how much the regular costs are per month (including child's groups, haircuts etc) which should come out the joint pot, how much as a family you want to prioritise savings (might be for things like holidays, not just emergencies) and then take an equal amount of personal monies. Just my view though...

pinkyredrose · 20/02/2020 15:06

@Dinosauraddict. Don't forget the income he gets from his other property.

OP when the child benefit comes in will that be taken out of your allowance too? Or will he put it in his account?

JKScot4 · 20/02/2020 15:07

@Dinosauraddict
He has rental income from another home too

Dinosauraddict · 20/02/2020 15:12

@pinkyredrose and @JKScot4 I was deliberately ignoring the rental income as OP has given no indication of amount and with the tax changes, if there is a mortgage on that property and uses a management agent, plus insurance etc a lot of rental owners are only just breaking even/having a small surplus to put aside for ongoing maintenance. Atm most BTLs seem to be focused on longer term capital gains (unless property was bought in cash. Or was bought a long time ago?)
OP - do you know how much the rental property brings in?

Original poster
Gina36 · 20/02/2020 15:12

Hi, it will be taken out of the allowance. Dinosauraddict, thank you for your comments. I believe what you are saying makes the most sense to me. I hope I can talk with him about it later

OP posts:
Original poster
Gina36 · 20/02/2020 15:14

Hi, was just going to say, yes you are right I think it only brings in around 70 pounds a month as everything goes on the mortgage, maintenance, insurance.

OP posts:
Dinosauraddict · 20/02/2020 15:20

Good luck @Gina36 - hopefully he responds positively!

Original poster
Gina36 · 20/02/2020 15:26

Thank you. Yes, I hope so

OP posts:
PrayingandHoping · 20/02/2020 15:32

You need to sit down and write down together all of your expenditure and budget it out fairly.

If u said he spent a load of money on himself going to gym and pub then yes it would be unfair that u can't afford a haircut but if he also has no money to spend on anything for himself then it's not that u end up having extras and he doesn't if that makes sense?

Parky04 · 20/02/2020 15:41

£40k is not a lot of money if someone has a mortgage of £800 pm. Other outgoings can easily add up to £1000. But yes any remaining should be split equally.

LowcaAndroidow · 20/02/2020 15:45

Sit down and write a budget with him.
All money in
All family costs including housing, bills, groceries, baby stuff
However much is left, split it 50/50 so you both have an equal allowance for fun stuff.

Bluntness100 · 20/02/2020 15:45

I also think you need to do the math, as this could be totally fair or even in your favour, this is not some huge salary when you’re the sole earner, supporting three people and with a mortgage of 800 a month,

Dinos math could be very conservative indeed.

sleepyhead · 20/02/2020 15:50

You should insist on seeing all the finanances and working out a budget so that you both have equal money to spend on yourself, but I've got to say that as the sole earner in our household on around the same as your dh, we are also tight for cash despite having equal access to money.

And our mortgage is a lot less than yours so don't count on suddenly having a lot more to spend. I often don't spend any money on myself in a given week outside transport to get to work - no coffees, lunches, no evenings out or new clothes. Dh spends more on coffees and food out but it's still not a lot. Our food budget is around £100 per week but we try to spend less.