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SAHP

A place for stay at home mums and dads to discuss life as a full-time parent.

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Original poster

SAHM and partner is never home

57 replies

Kaemjay · 07/11/2019 05:19

This may be long but needing advice. Me and my partner have a 1 year old son together. He works hard, is goal driven but is also very selfish and inconsiderate. Within weeks of being pregnant I had health issues (severe morning sickness, fainting so badly I’d pass out) causing me to have to leave work and be at home. It’s then the comments about me not working started and how his mother worked while pregnant with both her kids so why couldn’t I? Even though it was explained from family members that my health wouldn’t allow it. He started going out drinking most nights rather than preparing for a baby so I knew this was a bad sign, it never stopped even once baby was here he would work and go straight to the pubs or a friends house. Every weekend he would be black out drunk demanding me to get him at 4-5 am with a newborn. I recently had a miscarriage resulting in a lot of complications and health problems and only two weeks ago I had a stroke. It is blatantly obvious I am sick and stressed and needing more support yet he still goes out and when he comes home the comments about what have I done all day start. I don’t see this changing and if not even a stroke can get him to wake up and see for my health and our sons wellbeing he should be stepping up more then I’m worried the last option is to pack up and leave, but again I am in such a low place health wise and mentally being a single mother will be an even heavier burden. Please help :(

OP posts:

GertrudeCB · 07/11/2019 05:21

He has checked out of the relationship I'm afraid.

GreenLeafTurnip · 07/11/2019 05:21

Does he do anything to help you at all? It sounds from your post that you are already shouldering the burden of being a single mother.

Sportsnight · 07/11/2019 05:22

Can you go home to family? You need support and you’re getting none. I wouldn’t even make a decision about long term right now, just get yourself to somewhere you can have support for you and your child while you recover.

Original poster

Kaemjay · 07/11/2019 05:23

I agree he's checked out completely but then when there was a point it was deemed over 6 months ago he cried and begged me not to leave. He does love me but I feel he always puts himself and his own life above family life. Within two hours of getting home from the hospital after the stroke he asked what I was making him for dinner. So I feel I'm more an object than a human being

OP posts:

GreenLeafTurnip · 07/11/2019 05:53

I'm not sure that his actions match his words about loving you. My husband can be selfish sometimes but there is no way he'd be asking what's for dinner if I'd had a stroke! You need to put yourself and your baby first now.

Do you love him? And does he actually do anything for you?

OrangeHue · 07/11/2019 05:55

You think he loves you? How is that even possible?! You’ve clearly not been loved because if he did love you, he’d be treating you and your child much better. To give you an example, I had a mmc in August and had to have a medical pessary inserted. My partner took care of me for hm the entire pregnancy and the week I miscarried. The actual day was horrendous but he was there and helped me from the toilet, to cleaning up my throw up, to helping me with medication, bringing me breakfast, lunch snacks dinner, laying with me etc. Of course we have our moments but that is the treatment your partner should be giving you. You are worth more than this

I am truly sorry for all the heartache and health problems you’ve had but until you wake up and see the truth, no one can help you. You’re in denial and the first step is acceptance of who he is/the situation,

If you don’t feel mentally strong or prepared to leave him yet, by all means take your time and focus on you and your son and then leave when you’re stronger. If he hasn’t changed after your stroke he never will.

Fucket · 07/11/2019 05:59

sorry should say you and your child a favour.

Fucket · 07/11/2019 05:59

Kick him out!

surlycurly · 07/11/2019 06:01

Trust me OP, you will be less stressed, less ill and less miserable when you finally make the decision to walk away. You have to realise that being around this man is like being around a poisonous substance; when you stop being around it you will feel so much better. Life as a single parent is difficult, and often thankless but you get to set the tone for your family and the atmosphere that is created. There can be love and laughter where before there was hurt, disappointment and sorrow. I know which I'd rather bring my children up in. This is my very first LTB. For your health, happiness and for your little family.

TreePeepingWatcher · 07/11/2019 06:13

he cried and begged me not to leave because who else is going to do his laundry? In the kindest way I can say it he does not value you.

No sane human being would ask you what was for dinner when you have just had a stroke. He should have asked you what you wanted and then made it, not just that day but for a while. He should have looked after you. That is what partners do.

I have been a SAHM for 15 years, not once has Dh asked me what I have done all day with an accusatory tone.

Do you have any family you can go to for a while?

Original poster

Kaemjay · 07/11/2019 06:24

I come from a household where my mum was with a man very similar to my partner but based off the comments already obviously this is not how a relationship should be. I'm a great housekeeper I probably spend hours a day keeping everything in order as well as raising our son paying bills and doing absolutely everything, I had two days off from cleaning after the stroke but am straight back into it out of fear he will make me feel useless if the house isn't clean. He's an absolute pig to live with Although I've always enjoyed housework this week I'm at the point where I'm starting to see how useless and lazy he really is. He doesn't work lengthy hours (6-3) so from 3 onwards he's always out drinking til 7-8 because "I work a full time job when do I get time off" yet I get no sleep ins, I get no time to rest I do middle of the night wake ups every night and to him I have no need for time off to relax because Im at home all day. Probably am in denial and I sometimes feel as though this is an abusive relationship because the tantrums that come from calling out his behaviour are not worth even saying anything

OP posts:

Original poster

Kaemjay · 07/11/2019 06:29

I know this seems pretty clear cut to most but I feel as if I'm in a fog 24/7. I'm on autopilot and now I have severe memory loss and I'm struggling to even do a load of laundry but I keep pushing myself to exhaustion to maintain the house. I've been told unless I make changes I have a 1 in 3 chance of having a major stroke that could be fatal or leaving me with permanent disabilities and I'm terrified but no matter what road I take in this decision I feel like the stress will trigger it. I don't have family to help and cannot kick him out of the house because he'd never let me have it. He only came to the hospital to see me to get my wallet so he could go get himself dinner he honestly doesn't care what happens to me I don't think and it's heart breaking

OP posts:

GertrudeCB · 07/11/2019 06:43

You are in a abusive relationship , your further posts are heartbreaking.

Fedupofitnow123 · 07/11/2019 06:43

The road of least stress in the end is to leave, you need to leave. I've just left someone who wouldn't let me have a break from our dc for 8 years, who wouldn't let me have any pregnancy symptoms this time around and who wouldn't do anything around the house because "he worked" even though I worked from home too, he eventually put cameras in the house. It takes a while for you to get your head together, to do the thinking and seeing if the true nature of the relationship and then to leave finally. But, start that road, look at everything that is going on, listen to who he is telling you he is, think about what people on here are saying, weigh it all up, plan your escape and go. Your health will be a lot better off for it.

CodyBurns · 07/11/2019 06:47

Honestly OP he comes across as abusive. He’s refusing to offer you any practical or emotional support when you are absolutely on your knees, he’s questioning ‘what you do all day long’ when he knows you are burning the candle at both ends so he can work, socialise, drink and treat you like a skivvy.

I don't have family to help and cannot kick him out of the house because he'd never let me have it. He only came to the hospital to see me to get my wallet so he could go get himself dinner he honestly doesn't care what happens to me

Why is your husband taking your money to buy himself dinner? Surely as the ‘breadwinner’ he can buy himself dinner. Do you have fair access to money OP? Do you have knowledge of your family finances? If not alarm bells should be ringing. He sounds incredibly exploitative and I’d be willing to bet he’s abusing you financially as well as emotionally.

Please do not waste another moment with this horrible man. You must prioritise your child and your own health. Please call Women’s Aid and reach out for support from your medical team.

CalleighDoodle · 07/11/2019 06:53

This is abuse not love.

You need to speak to someone who can help you. Ask womens aid for advice

Original poster

Kaemjay · 07/11/2019 06:53

Yes he does control finances. He makes roughly 1500 a week not including jobs he does on his own accord (tradesman) yet squirrels the majority of the money away. In the beginning of being parents he spent so much on alcohol and his own bills I had to borrow money for nappies and he let my phone be disconnected as it's "not important). Having it all written infront of me now I can see how stupid I look for not seeing it for what it is sooner I just guess I'm in denial out of fear of the stress of leaving :(

OP posts:

CodyBurns · 07/11/2019 07:00

You are not stupid. You have been conditioned and coerced into behaving a certain way to keep the peace and avoid upsetting or angering your abuser, it’s a horrible way to live and I’ve been there myself.

I’m now out of my abusive relationship and, whilst it has been a slog, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel! There is hope, I promise you, but please reach out for support and feel free to send me a PM if you would like some specific pointers on your situation (that you might not want to share on a public forum in case it identifies you).

AaaaaaarghhhWhereAreMyKeys · 07/11/2019 07:02

Ffs OP you had a stroke! You cannot carry on like this.

Expecting you to make dinner 2 hours after leaving hospital after you’ve had a stroke is NOT on.

You need to start letting things go a bit. I have a small DC (and older ones too) - it’s hard. My house is generally a mess, paperwork is piled up etc but my kids are well fed, the dog is walked. Life is messy, our house is messy (although not a total utter pigsty). Life is literally too short to have a sparkling show home.

Also, it seems like he has a drinking prob...he won’t be able to put you first. The drinking comes first.

So sorry you are going through this
If you do decide to leave him, it will get better and I expect you’ll feel a lot better too. Are you married?

Original poster

Kaemjay · 07/11/2019 07:09

I have to keep the house spotless incase he makes comments on it. Him walking through the door and asking me what I did all day breaks my heart when he himself cannot spend a full day with our son and get anything done yet I'm expected to. I cannot deal with the comments or the tone of voice he uses I'd love to be working it's all I want to do to contribute to the household but how can I when he won't come home to then help raise his child so I can work nights etc. I feel as if he relishes in the fact he has me stuck here as it gives him some power over me and the ability to then degrade me for being a "useless stay at home mum" as he calls it. Not married but have been with him since I was 16 so 8 years and it wasn't until I was pregnant did the issues start. I think my recent health problems have showed me how little I really mean to him because the fact I have posted on a forum which I would never of dreamed of doing is a sign I'm probably desperate to leave

OP posts:

AaaaaaarghhhWhereAreMyKeys · 07/11/2019 07:11

There may also be a ‘one-stop’ domestic abuse drop-in near you? There’ll be free benefits and legal advice, etc. I went to one it was very helpful and (besides MN of course) was probably one of the first steps I took to realising what was happening within my relationship was not actually ok.

Original poster

Kaemjay · 07/11/2019 07:12

I'm considering couples counselling but I don't think it would change the situation and anything said there would be brought home and used against me or turned on me so it wouldn't be a safe place to express myself fully. As far as I'm concerned I should be grateful I have food in the cupboards and clothes on my back so I'm ungrateful for complaining but surely it should be better than this

OP posts:

MyOtherProfile · 07/11/2019 07:14

OP this is so horrible. I don't have any advice other than you need to end this relationship but hopefully other people can give you advice soon on how to get help. What a disgusting man.

Verily1 · 07/11/2019 07:23

He doesn’t love you

He doesn’t love your child

You will have another stroke and die if this carries on!

You need an escape plan now!

AaaaaaarghhhWhereAreMyKeys · 07/11/2019 07:26

Kaemjay I have a similar set up with my DP at the moment. He works very long hours, longer than your DP, unfortunately also has an after-work drinking culture, etc. I do know he’d rather I was working at the mo as it would take the pressure of him financially but understands we have a young DC and it won’t be forever. He does like to be fed, fair enough he’s been working all day and I like it, it’s part of family life. However he’s more than happy for me to have a life, to get out and do fun things with DC, he doesn’t expect me to stay in all day cleaning the house.

Agree if your DP won’t come home and pull-his weight, like you said, how are you supposed to work eves/nights?

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