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SAHP

A place for stay at home mums and dads to discuss life as a full-time parent.

Original poster

SAHM and partner is never home

57 replies

Kaemjay · 07/11/2019 05:19

This may be long but needing advice. Me and my partner have a 1 year old son together. He works hard, is goal driven but is also very selfish and inconsiderate. Within weeks of being pregnant I had health issues (severe morning sickness, fainting so badly I’d pass out) causing me to have to leave work and be at home. It’s then the comments about me not working started and how his mother worked while pregnant with both her kids so why couldn’t I? Even though it was explained from family members that my health wouldn’t allow it. He started going out drinking most nights rather than preparing for a baby so I knew this was a bad sign, it never stopped even once baby was here he would work and go straight to the pubs or a friends house. Every weekend he would be black out drunk demanding me to get him at 4-5 am with a newborn. I recently had a miscarriage resulting in a lot of complications and health problems and only two weeks ago I had a stroke. It is blatantly obvious I am sick and stressed and needing more support yet he still goes out and when he comes home the comments about what have I done all day start. I don’t see this changing and if not even a stroke can get him to wake up and see for my health and our sons wellbeing he should be stepping up more then I’m worried the last option is to pack up and leave, but again I am in such a low place health wise and mentally being a single mother will be an even heavier burden. Please help :(

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 07/11/2019 07:33

It will be easier without him

Do you have somewhere to go

Sotiredbutcannotsleep · 07/11/2019 07:40

OP contact Women's Aid, they may be able to help you stay in a refuge if you don't have family to turn to.

AaaaaaarghhhWhereAreMyKeys · 07/11/2019 07:43

By all means try the counselling if he’ll go. I went with exH but there really was no point. He was v manipulative, just said what he thought the councillor wanted to hear then, when we’d left, just ignored me and walked 10 feet in front (something the abusive fucker was prone to). Totally pointless and I think the councillor knew that from the offset.

I wasted so many years. It took me a long long long time to realise that he wasn’t going to change. Ffs I even thought that me leaving him and him loosing pretty much everything would make him realise. It didn’t.

You will be alright on your own, you will be happy again. I actually quite enjoyed my single-mum years and look back fondly on that time, just me and the kids doing whatever we wanted with no other drunken grumpy fucker weighing us down.

Do you have anyone you can confide in in real life too? They might not be aware of what’s going on and it’s amazing how supportive they’ll be once they realise what’s going on.

Babushkacandle · 07/11/2019 07:49

Couples counselling wouldn’t be of any use OP, even if you did manage to get him there the therapist would not be able to work with you both once they realised it was an abusive relationship.
Now is the time to start putting yourself first, you don’t need to leave him yet but start making plans when you feel up to it. As mentioned above see if there is a local women’s centre near you that you can go to for some advice.
The relationship boards here are also a good source of support. Flowers

AaaaaaarghhhWhereAreMyKeys · 07/11/2019 08:02

Do you have any spare cash at all? One small thing I did while I was trying to get rid of exH was buy some cushions for the sofa and put them away until he’d left. I got them out as soon as he’d finally gone and still have them to this day. It was something to look forward to. You may not be staying in the same place but how about something small that you can take with you? I’m not talking £££ here.

What I’m trying to say is while you’re going through all this try do do some small things for yourself. Eat healthy, drink lots of water, wash (maybe get some nice shower gel), do your nails if that’s your thing, whatever makes you happy. You ARE important x

Mix56 · 07/11/2019 08:08

You are effectively his slave
This is finanical & domestic abuse.
Couples councelling will be fruitless. He does not care.
You need to ring WA & get immediate help.
Imagine if it was your daughter in this situation.what advice would you give ?
Please Leave
Things can get better from today.

Fannybaws52 · 07/11/2019 08:19

OP you've said that another stroke will kill you. That means your DC would be left in the care of a man who resents and dislikes the child. That is awful!

Go speak to a solicitor first and if the advice is grim, get out and into a refuge. At least then you would have a chance.

Your DP does not love you. Every action screams this. Take the blinkers off, love and start reacting.

BestZebbie · 07/11/2019 08:24

He begged you to stay because he doesn't have his next woman lined up yet. Eventually it will happen, and he'll blame it on that period and say "we were having problems anyway" even though the problem is him. Tell your parents everything about your situation without him there, they will want to help you.

Original poster
Kaemjay · 07/11/2019 08:26

Well the last hour escalated quite quickly. Reading all comments it dawned on me the truth so when I just had to go pick him up from his mothers (drunk) I said to him he doesn't help out enough and I'm done. To which he then put our son in his car once I was inside and drank drove at extremely high speeds in a rural area to taunt me. Have got my son back, police have been notified and he is removed from the house. Can enjoy life on his own me and my son are out for good

OP posts:
Original poster
Kaemjay · 07/11/2019 08:28

Thankyou for all your supportive words, as his mother just said on the phone to me I will be fine I have them for support and he can go do it on his own because he's just a drunk manipulative abuser. I can do so much better than this and will. A bit in shock but have Bub back safe and it can only be up from here

OP posts:
herewegoagainughhh · 07/11/2019 08:34

@Kaemjay well done, how terrifying for you! Thank god your son is back safely, now you can focus on moving forward. You deserve so much better, both you and your son. I really wish you the best of luck. The only way is up from here.

AaaaaaarghhhWhereAreMyKeys · 07/11/2019 08:41

Assume you’re not coming n the UK OP as 8am is quite early to be drink driving, unless he’s still in it from the night before?

So glad your son is ok and his mum is being supportive and not taking his side.

Original poster
Kaemjay · 07/11/2019 08:48

No I'm from Australia, wasn't aware this was a UK site how embarassing 😩

OP posts:
aweedropofsancerre · 07/11/2019 09:14

Kaemjay it’s a site for anyone who needs it! Your OH is dreadful and I can’t believe he put your DC at risk

OhamIreally · 07/11/2019 09:14

Don't be embarrassed there are a few Aussies on here (not me) it was good you reached out and women on the other side of the world were able to help you.
Glad you've got him out, he really did treat you like a slave and you could have ended up really sick or dead.
This is your new start OP!

PrincessHoneysuckle · 07/11/2019 09:39

You're only 24 love,get the fuck out of there hes a monster.

kmjay · 07/11/2019 09:42

Thankyou, I think I just felt so alone with no one to confide to I've reached out in a public forum but I'm glad I did I thought it was just an issue of him not being home but can see now it was a lot deeper than that. Everyone's words have been so kind and helpful I think it's what has saved me from a life of misery

kmjay · 07/11/2019 09:44

Very confronting to go from what you think is a simple but shit issue to realise what horrible situation you're in, might take a while to sink in and process it. Feel so stupid I couldn't see all this for myself and needed strangers on the internet to tell me what I should of picked up on and now it's out there for people to read. embarrassed is an understatement

AaaaaaarghhhWhereAreMyKeys · 07/11/2019 09:44

Yep MN is for everyone but I’m in the uk 👋
On a side line, is it is even uk based, always assumed it was but not necessarily.

Doyoumind · 07/11/2019 09:47

As someone who has been in a similar relationship, this might sound cruel but I can tell you he only wants you there because you make his life easier. You are his housekeeper and maid. He gives nothing back and shows you no respect. He is happy to risk your health. Please leave. You will be better off without him.

OhamIreally · 07/11/2019 11:57

@AaaaaaarghhhWhereAreMyKeys yes it is UK based. The office used to be in Camden, not sure if it still is.

Mrsh1980 · 13/11/2019 22:12

How are you op?

timeisnotaline · 13/11/2019 22:16

I’m Australia too op and there are a few! How are you? Where are you staying? It’s the right decision, life can only get better without him. And you needed to make the change so your son doesn’t grow up without you.

kmjay · 13/11/2019 23:37

I'm a lot better. Got a house and although the whole transition is rough and my son is acting out badly it's for the best! Just very drained atm

Mrsh1980 · 14/11/2019 08:59

You're doing great, keep going. You deserve so much better than that man. It's rough now, but this will be so much better for your health in the long run.