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SAHP

A place for stay at home mums and dads to discuss life as a full-time parent.

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Original poster

Playgroup misery

32 replies

Busybeinglost · 16/01/2019 16:40

Hi, please bear with me as this may be a little long....

I’m a sahm to a lovely 2 year old. I recently got a place at a playgroup locally to me. As I don’t drive, this one was perfect as it was in walking distance, I got really excited thinking I’d make a few mum friends (something I don’t really have) & that my daughter would thrive with the other children, socially. How wrong I was.

From the first day, whenever I tried to talk to anyone they gave 1 word answers & it was really off putting. Like they didn’t want to talk to a “stranger” just their friends. I thought it’d get better so have kept going, but no matter how friendly I think I’m being, no one really talks to me. I’m naturally a social person & this has really knocked my confidence (which has been low since DD was worn tbh) I kept going for my daughters sake but I don’t really see her benefitting either. The other children (not trying to be rude here) don’t talk as well as she does& they just kind of stare when she speaks then they walk off.my DD just goes & plays alone. This breaks my heart!! When she’s with older children she is so happy & full of life but here she just sits quietly, watching the other kids. She always says she enjoys it if I ask her though which is why I keep taking her.

I’m shocked over the behaviour of the people there because if I was with my friends & saw someone sat alone I’d go out of my way to welcome them. I try & look happy & like I’m enjoying being there but inside I want to cry & cant wait for it to be over. I just don’t know what to do really.

As I don’t drive I find it hard to go anywhere fun for my DD other than the park, which gets a little mundane. So unless I ask someone to take me somewhere, or wait until hubby is off work, we don’t go many interesting places. I feel like a child myself for having to rely on others like that so this playgroup was something I thought would give me & DD something fun to do while I gain a little independence back. I really crave some adult convo too, feeling very lonely at the min & this just isn’t helping.

OP posts:

CallMeOnMyCell · 16/01/2019 16:48

They sound awful do you go to any other groups? I had a similar experience when I took my DD to groups and now I go to baby sensory as it’s structured so no great need to make friends with the other parents. Is there a music group or something similar nearby you can walk to?

CallMeOnMyCell · 16/01/2019 16:49

Are there any church groups nearby? I found they were much more welcoming.

SandysMam · 16/01/2019 16:51

Is it because you are giving off the vibe you think your daughter is more advanced then the other kids?
Might come across as a bit snotty?

Twickerhun · 16/01/2019 16:51

Ah I’m sorry for your sake. That’s miserable. I found baby groups quite hard but I persevered and eventually made the odd friend.

As for your two year old - kids of that age and younger don’t generally play well with other kids so try not to worry about her, it’ll improve as the children get older

Original poster

Busybeinglost · 16/01/2019 17:26

Not at all! If anyone ever comments on her speech I actually play it down as I would hate for anyone to think I think she’s better than their child. I would never compare children, they all develop at different rates.

OP posts:

Original poster

Busybeinglost · 16/01/2019 17:29

I think it just bothers me as when she’s with older children she’s so excited & engaged. She’s very quiet at playgroup & that’s not how she naturally is.

In response to callmeonmycell, it is actually a church run group which is another reason I’m surprised. It just seems they’ve all been there a while & are mates & have no interest in an outsider 😞

OP posts:

Original poster

Busybeinglost · 16/01/2019 17:30

Also, she barely speaks at playgroup because the other children don’t. So I doubt anyone has noticed her talking & im certainly not going to strike up a convo by bragging about my daughter when I want to make friends 🙈

OP posts:

Spudlet · 16/01/2019 17:33

If you got a bike and bike seat, would that give you more options to get out? Playgroup can be a bit like that, if you get a good one they're excellent but if you hit a dud it's a bit disappointing. There must be one in every village near to me though so I'd look at increasing your options for travel (bike, bus pass whatevs), get looking on Facebook and see if you can find the right one for you.

BabiesComeWithHats · 16/01/2019 17:35

Baby/toddler groups are hideous. this one sounds particularly grim.

I reckon your options are

don't bother going back. you don't have to. there's no law saying you have to do this. Neither you nor DD are getting much from it.
go but with MUCH lower expectations. Take something to distract you when DD doesn't need your attention. It's only an hour of your life
ask the orgainsers if you can help. The person who controls the biscuits has the power, and it might get people to open up
Get on facebook asking for some recommendatoins of other groups nearby, there might be a lot more than you realised. Try other things - even if it's a bus trip that fills up more of hte day, wchi with a 2 yo is a good thing from what I remember

Original poster

Busybeinglost · 16/01/2019 17:37

I don’t have a bike or Facebook. We’re moving house in a few months & will live nearer the town centre so I’m hoping to find more then, in walking distance. It’s just knocked my confidence & I dread going to a new one now. Better the devil you know & all that!

OP posts:

cavycavy · 16/01/2019 17:39

I know you’ve probably explored this but are there any busses? I do drive (also live in a village) but I’d go mental if I couldn’t get out an about.

We sometimes take the bus, my daughter actually prefers it!

holasoydora · 16/01/2019 17:39

I had similar experiences OP. Tbh I would do everything you can to get to a new one to see if it is any better. Bus/bike? I took the bus to a church group in town each week and it was really friendly. My local one, like yours, was hideous.

Hang in there, it’s not you but how some of these places are, weirdly.

holasoydora · 16/01/2019 17:40

Also I would get Facebook and get on some local parent groups. Seriously, it saved my sanity.

Spudlet · 16/01/2019 17:40

Well IME Facebook is where most of the playgroup type things are to be found, so you might want to search on there (I'm not sure if you need a profile just to search, but if you do you could make one and lock the privacy settings down to the max. It doesn't even need to be in your proper name).

As for a bike... up to you, but it's opened things up for us. It's not for everyone though.

4point2fleet · 16/01/2019 17:41

Get on a bus and try other classes/ groups.

Or just get on a bus or train and go and explore new places.

bookmum08 · 16/01/2019 17:43

If you haven't got another group you could go to then give this one a few more tries. Walk in and say in your cheeriest voice "good morning everyone" and smile. Say "Hello" to the children directly and say something like "are you looking forward to playing? I know (your daughter) is".
Try some typical mum small talk "how are you today, I love your little boy's tshirt".
And well if they are still an unfriendly bunch then call it quits.

minipie · 16/01/2019 17:45

Are there not any other adults who are own there own OP?

I remember a playgroup I used to take DD to, 80% of the women there knew each other and just sat and spoke to each other but there were usually a few others who seemed to be solo and were my best bets for a chat.

bringbacksideburns · 16/01/2019 17:46

Ah! I went to a Church run group years ago and had exactly the same experience! I even took my lovely MIL with me for a bit of support. At one point we wondered where everyone had gone and they'd all buggered off to another room to sing songs round the piano! Not one person had thought to mention it to us even though they did it regularly at that particular time
We never went back.

Some groups are just a bit cliquey. That one just isn't for you. Don't give up! Do any local libraries run a rhyme time/ story time or do activities? In my old job I used to run one and people made very good friends in it. I remember one German woman didn't know a soul and met another German woman with a child the same age! Not only that but they came from the same city. The chances of them meeting each other like that were probably a million to one.

Things get a bit easier once they go to Nursery and school as you start to make friends.

But as you sound a bit fed up, hop on a bus and try swimming and Google local activities.

Sallymummy99 · 16/01/2019 19:50

Have you tried he Mush app? I found it really useful to meet other mums in my area and arrange play dates. There may well be other local mums in the same situation x

DownWentTheFlag · 16/01/2019 19:58

I do feel for you OP (and I have been there!) but I meet my sister once a week at a playgroup, and I look forward to catching up with her. So I’m not there to chat to other people - harsh as that sounds!
When I went to a similar group, I worked out where the clique-y people always sat, and avoided them completely. Find others on their own and go from there.

CookPassBabtridge · 16/01/2019 20:05

I felt the same OP so stopped going to groups. Instead just took him to the park, farms etc until he started nursery aged 3. If you want mum friends try the Mush app, it connects you to mums nearby looking for friends.

IncomingCannonFire · 16/01/2019 20:24

Find a new group. Some are just wierd and cliquey. Most are more welcoming.

Ribbonsonabox · 16/01/2019 20:30

You have to keep trying. I went to about 6 different ones and ended up making one really good mum friend who I've been friends with years now. I also made a couple of casual friends who I see around town for coffee every now and then. It just takes time... people can be quite cautious at these things because it's hard to get the tone right... you dont want to be cold but also as an adult you are aware of the pitfalls of being overfriendly to complete strangers, also you are aware that with a young child you may not have the time or inclination to invest in a proper friendship with anyone... so I guess a lot of women are a bit cautious and might come across as unfriendly.... I think you just have to power through and keep trying until you actually gain the trust of people

AGoodMandarin · 16/01/2019 20:33

I agree that some groups are just weird and cliquey. I go to lots near me and normally have no problems chatting to mums and have even made some good mum friends which I now see outside of playgroup - except at one specific one on a Friday morning where no one will talk to me! I don’t know what it is! So I just avoid it unless I’m desperate for something to do as the dc quite like it.

So don’t let it knock your confidence, it’s them, not you, maybe they’re all 2nd time mums or something who don’t have the time or energy for new people. If you’re moving soon you will find new groups where you will make lots of friends.

Original poster

Busybeinglost · 16/01/2019 20:57

Thanks for all your replies. Glad I’m not the only one to have felt this way! I think I’ll just give up on that one & wait until we move now to try again.

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