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SAHP

A place for stay at home mums and dads to discuss life as a full-time parent.

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Original poster

SAHM - attitude towards it from others

62 replies

hellobeautiful123 · 04/01/2019 15:34

Can people please tell me how others have taken to you becoming a SAHP? I am currently on maternity leave and thinking of not going back. I have mostly had fairly negative reactions from people.

I also need to turn down a few events this year such as a hen do due to having to cut back, with not going back to work and I feel it won’t go down well and they’ll think I should have gone back to work :s

OP posts:

nomorearsingmermaids · 04/01/2019 15:40

You get judginess on both sides sadly.

I chose to go back to work despite not "having" to as my DP is a high earner. It's apparently only acceptable for women to go back to work if they have to out of financial necessity and feel horrendously guilty for doing so.

You can't win OP. Best just to do what works for you and your family and sod what anyone else thinks

finnmcool · 04/01/2019 16:04

Fuck em off, as women, we can't be right.
We're wrong for staying at home, we're wrong for going back to work.
We're wrong for having too many children, we're wrong for having an only child.
We all have a certain amount of time and energy, don't waste it on judgemental twats.

Original poster

hellobeautiful123 · 04/01/2019 17:12

Thank you both :) this is what i needed to hear!

I do agree, i have started to realise as i’ve got into my 30s how opinionated and judgemental and selfish people can be

OP posts:

Finfintytint · 04/01/2019 17:16

You'll never win. There is judgement everywhere! Just make the best decisions for you and your family and disregard the critics.

bourbonbiccy · 04/01/2019 17:41

I completely agree with previous posters, do what is right for you. Only you know how you feel and what is right for your family.
If you can't make the hen party, I'm sure you friends would understand that you are doing what you feel is best for your child and that ultimately has to come first now.
I never had negative comments in RL, people were perhaps shocked due to my pre baby attitude,but then just happy for me.

user87382294757 · 27/05/2019 11:18

I find MN in general to be quite anti SAHM. And in RL, I wonder if is due to jealousy perhaps. I would just ignore it.

ElectricLions · 10/06/2019 16:01

You learn to just let it roll off you, I would be very rich indeed if I had a £1 for every time someone said "What do you do all day?" my stock response was eat bon bons and read magazines.

You cannot please everyone all the time so just do what the fuck you like. I have said to people my staying at home is not a judgement on you working full time.

It works for our family and has done for over a decade. Both my children are in secondary school. Dh's job has always had unpredictable hours, this works for us.

Flicketyflack · 10/06/2019 16:43

One child at Secondary and one at primary school (last year).

Do what is right for you. No-one knows you well enough to judge your choices

I stayed at home after first was born because- stressful job, husband who travelled a lot with work, no familial support and because I knew I could not do it all

I am sure this has been judged but hey they have never walked in my shoes

MediaMum1224 · 21/06/2019 19:47

I’ve had generally positive feedback - I have two under four, and am so bloody knackered most of the time that I think no-one would dare say “what do you DO all day?” I suspect I have resting bitch face, and they know they would receive an earful.
To be honest, I sometimes feel like I’m not very impressive or as good at conversation now that I don’t work...that’s my issue and not something that others have put on me.
A stranger asked if I worked the other day, and when I said no, he said “oh fantastic, a PROPER mum!” I felt so ridiculously validated by someone I didn’t even know.

Do whatever you want to do, and if it’s good for you and your kids then it’s the right choice. If you do it for a while and hate it, you can always change your mind.

Our society seems to validate working for money over any other kind of work, and I don’t know why. Full time parenting is so deeply important and difficult - anyone who has done it won’t judge you negatively.

ReganSomerset · 21/06/2019 19:52

FWIW, OP, I went back to work and have nothing but admiration for stay at home mums. It's the best thing for your child and you have to sacrifice so much to do it! Plus it's really difficult - I find working so much easier. You do you and don't waste head space worrying about what anyone else thinks.

ReganSomerset · 21/06/2019 19:57

A stranger asked if I worked the other day, and when I said no, he said “oh fantastic, a PROPER mum!”

I hope you bloody well corrected him. What an archaic attitude! I wonder if he also thinks the only 'proper' dads are SAHPs, or if he's just a raging sexist.

MediaMum1224 · 21/06/2019 22:04

@regansomerset to be honest I didn’t correct him ... he was an elderly man being kind, and I spend most of my SAHM life feeling like half the person I once was, so I was very much in the mood for a little boost! I took it! Even though he wasn’t totally PC to say it
Thanks for your other comment also, it’s so nice to read praise for an often thankless job!

LolaSmiles · 21/06/2019 22:08

Whatever you do people will judge.

What you'll also find on here are posters (rightly) reminding people to make a fully informed decision regarding wages, future work prospects, relevant legal protection (so not facilitating a DP's career whilst he could walk away and leave them vulnerable), personal pension/access to pension. Sometimes that is interpreted negatively, but I think they are fair points to make in a neutral and 'have you considered...' fashion

ReganSomerset · 21/06/2019 22:25

I took it. Even though he wasn’t totally PC to say it

You've kind of missed my point there. It's not about being pc. It's about being able to buoy yourself up without knocking others down to do it. It's great that the old man helped you feel good, but his comment implies that working mums are less than sahms and not proper mums, which is baloney. I would correct anyone who made a similar comment denigrating sahms (or at least not share said comment with others) despite not being one myself because it's not a competition. We're all doing our best in a bloody hard job. We shouldn't need to put others down to feel good.

MediaMum1224 · 22/06/2019 07:03

@ReganSomerset apologies, it wasn’t my intention to take anyone else down, the OP was concerned about receiving negative reactions for choosing to be a SAHM, I was just trying to offer an alternative one because that seemed to be what she wanted to know about in this thread. I hope it didn’t make you feel bad, so sorry if it did.

Stardustmoon · 17/07/2019 12:30

I went back to work then fell pregnant again and am choosing to be SAHP for two years. Some people were surprised as I love my job but I'm a teacher so know I can jump back in a few years. No one has been judgemental though (to my face anyway!). Do what you want to do.

Ginnymweasley · 17/07/2019 12:39

You learn to ignore. I've had people saying I'm lazy etc. I have a 4 yr old and a 1 yr old, no family support and my dh job is long hours etc. It was the best decision for our family. I will go back to work when my ds starts school. I don't think you can win at all tbh. I keep reminding myself that I made the decision for the right reasons and it doesn't make me any less of a feminist or woman etc.
Sadly some people have to validate their own decisions by bringing others down.

Somersetlady · 17/07/2019 12:47

Ive stayed at home and worked. Kids now just 3 and 5.

Didnt find attitudes towards me any different apart from maybe one or two of my close friends who work as a financial necessity wishing they had the option to SAHM.

With 2 under 2 it was pretty full on bit with just 1 at home i found it easy to manage and not particularly stressful with loads of time to play and entertain my child.

Somersetlady · 17/07/2019 12:53

@Ginnymweasley thats disgusting. Who on earth called you lazy? I hope you have distanced yourself from anyone that voiced this view?

Ginnymweasley · 17/07/2019 13:05

somerset one of my friends. I think it stems from jealousy but she told me that it was the lazy option, and that I was setting a bad example. She has family that look after her dd so shes never had to pay for childcare and her dh went part time as well. I don't really see her anymore. It was obvious that we had different life goals when she said I sit on my arse all day.

Putapeonyinyourpocket · 17/07/2019 13:12

A year of staying at home and I'm finally confident to be happy when I say that, I use to feel embarrassed (I have no idea why) but still most of my friends (who don't have children yet) think I spend my day shopping, eating out etc... Total opposite to how my days actually roll. Then I get from my working mum friends how lucky I am etc, but they find it hard to see it comes with a price. I couldn't return to work because my whole wage would go towards child care costs, so currently we live off one wage. I budget to the pound each month, it would be nice to not need to be so tight but I know once my lo goes to school I can then get back into work. Just enjoy it whilst you can, someone always has an opinion regardless.

roisinagusniamh · 17/07/2019 13:16

The best years of my life .
My kids are older now and I work full time.
But, what joy to have had all time with them when they were small and developing so rapidly ....spending hours in the garden doing nothing in particular.....spending hours choosing things in shops.
Never rushing them here or there.
Hardly any clubs because they were not bothered.

Namelessinseattle · 17/07/2019 13:19

I’m at home, a few months ago a friend had a go at me for being so apologetic when I said I stay at home. And I realised I was projecting all sorts. To be honest I freaking love it. I don’t know whether it’s easier or not but I’m certainly far happier here than I was when i was working although it has its down sides too.

AngelsWithSilverWings · 17/07/2019 14:26

I've been a SAHM for 12 years now. The only negative comments I get tend to be from the husbands of women who work. No women has ever made me feel bad about it but most have told me they are envious and would love to give up work if they could afford to.

The husbands tend to make jokes at my expense about sitting on the sofa all day watching day time TV ( which I never do ) and going out for lunch ( which actually only happens once or twice per school term).

I have loved being a SAHM and it is still the right thing for my family but as the kids are getting older I feel like I should have at least kept up some sort of part time work. In the last year with my youngest in y6 I've felt slightly redundant! But come September I will be having to drive the youngest to seven

AngelsWithSilverWings · 17/07/2019 14:28

Sorry pressed post too soon -

Come September I will be driving the youngest to secondary school every morning and picking her up again at 3 so it's hard to find a job that would fit those hours. There is no public transport available to the school she is going to unfortunately,

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