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SAHP

A place for stay at home mums and dads to discuss life as a full-time parent.

Original poster

SAHM - attitude towards it from others

62 replies

hellobeautiful123 · 04/01/2019 15:34

Can people please tell me how others have taken to you becoming a SAHP? I am currently on maternity leave and thinking of not going back. I have mostly had fairly negative reactions from people.

I also need to turn down a few events this year such as a hen do due to having to cut back, with not going back to work and I feel it won’t go down well and they’ll think I should have gone back to work :s

OP posts:
ajbellamy · 06/08/2019 20:27

I've had positive attitudes from it. Mainly from my husband to be (who's not the father to my children we've only been together for just over a year!) he says how amazing it is just to say that "I have raised the children up" which I totally get! I have done this for 6 years now, three children and I'm proud I've done it all. It's a huge achievement for me x

roisinagusniamh · 07/08/2019 06:46

I had lots of SAHM friends too and we all cut back on spending in order to do it but one of our group absolutely took the pee. She had two cleaners and her husband did all the cooking and shopping and packing when they went on holidays.
Now that all our kids are older she is still not working and just spends her time going on holidays with anyone who is free to go with her Smile

Feelingwalkedover · 07/08/2019 07:04

I’ve not worked in 20 years ...I’ve 2 with autism ,10 years apart ,one adult one child,both need a parent at home ,as both have had huge long spells( ie all of teenage years) out of education.
It wasn’t my plan to not work ,my first job was at 14 I always worked before I had my kids ,and I admit I do feel a slight sense of panic when I remember how long I’ve not worked for.my dh is happy to swap and be the parent at home if I’m desperate to work.neither of my boys will live independently,so won’t leave home ,cut backs ect and I doubt they would get assisted living .
Even with all this I still get judged ,I’m sure I’ve lost friends as I’ve nothing exciting to talk about ,and I feel guilty I have a gym membership and go every day religiously ( before everyone gets up).
Such is life

CarolineKate · 31/08/2019 21:05

Younger people "you're so lucky it must be so nice so stay home all day"

Older people "nursery is the best place for them"

That's quite general but it is mostly like that 😊.

People's opinions aside I would definitely recommend it!

YouJustDoYou · 31/08/2019 21:07

I've had zero judgement from midwives, health visitors, other mothers - until one other mother at DS's school asked me "what do you do?" and when I replied SAHP, she paused and then said, "...Oh.". Since then, won;t speak to me! Grin

Mixingitall · 31/08/2019 21:11

Do what’s right for you. I was a sahm for 7 years and absolutely loved it! You have to own it and not justify to others your choice. When people asked what I did I told them I had a pre schooler so was at home. It was a privilege to be able to spend so much time with my ds’s. My youngest started school and I returned full time. Taking 7 years off did not affect my career either.

Courtney555 · 31/08/2019 21:32

I think it's the kind of attitude where it's deemed you are not working but could be, and as a result, you are struggling financially to provide adequately for your household.

I think a lot of false offense is deliberately taken by sahms, and I am one, before you think I'm taking the biscuit. I get to be massively lazy, I'm just honest enough to admit it.

I put DS1 straight into nursery at 3 months. Worked minimally from home. Took my time cooking lovely dinners and keeping the house nice. Did all the household admin. But....I did all those things before whilst holding down a full time job. So pretending I was a full time mummy (I bloody hate that phrase, put it on your CV and see how far it gets you lol) because I was so busy, and therefore incapable of working, was rubbish. It was absolutely the easy option. And if Ex DP hadn't been on a big salary, and we were having to go without so I could sit at home all day, then it would have been not only the easy option, but the unfairly lazy option too.

I'm currently pregnant with twins, and gave up my job entirely at about 11 weeks because I was dying with sickness and I'm a professional dancer, so the two were impossible, and now, fat with a huge bump, physically impossible. That's my career done...as a dancer.

However, I also hold two degrees, and once born, could put the twins into nursery, and go straight into a £70k+ role immediately. I'm not going to, I'm staying at home. Because DH is on a very big wage, so my extra income wouldn't make a difference to our family.

I can honestly say though, sitting at home with the children is, in my opinion, the absolute easy option. I know I'm being lazy. It's a luxury being able to wander around the shops. Make the house look lovely. Cook home meals from scratch. All at my leisure. It really grates on me when sahms pretend that because they've got a child in tow, it's a full time job. It's really not.

It's not to say there is no value of being a sahm. Of course there is. There are pros and cons from both camps. But I think some sahms act professionally offended at the idea that they could get a job, purporting that they are "full time mummys" because if they were honest, they could work quite easily, they just don't want too, so best to act indignant at the very thought that it's possible.

Grobagsforever · 31/08/2019 21:37

@MediaMum1224 wow the ignorance of the man who spoke to you makes me weep.

I work full time. Sometimes I leave my kids overnight with in laws as work requires travel. I was widowed at 36 weeks pregnant with DD2.

I am a fucking proper mum, a shining example of resilience and independence to my kids and the stupid ignorant old twat who said that to you can fuck off to the far side of fuck. Misogynistic wanker.

LeafCutterAnt · 31/08/2019 21:41

I went back to work after having dd1 and remember people making judgemental comments. Was a SAHM for a bit after having dd2 and experienced judgemental comments. Fuck 'em

Drabarni · 31/08/2019 21:43

People will always judge, ignore them and be strong in your convictions.

LeafCutterAnt · 31/08/2019 21:51

my stock response was eat bon bons and read magazines
I remember someone on mumsnet saying they replied "I recline on a chaise longue and eat bon bons" Grin

LeafCutterAnt · 31/08/2019 22:07

I found being at home with a baby and toddler harder work and more full on/relentless than I found being a full time primary school teacher.

Courtney555 · 31/08/2019 22:18

I remember someone on mumsnet saying they replied "I recline on a chaise longue and eat bon bons"

There are days when this really is too close for some to admit. Put the daytime TV on, flick through the paper, scroll through social media. Bubble bath. Friend came round. Tea and a cake. Pop a load of laundry on. Make tarte tatin. Take DS1 for hair cut. Meet mum for bite to eat. Pop to supermarket. Home, make Greek lamb for tea. Online shop for some Christmas pressies. Set up DS with toy planes in garden. Make quiche for DH to take fishing tomorrow while watching Poirot/general murder mystery shite in the kitchen with one eye on DS out the window. That was my day today.

Seriously, such an easy and enjoyable day. A far cry from my days work before I stopped a couple of months ago. I loved my job, I really miss it, but I also love my free time now. I don't pretend I'm working just as hard now because I'm raising a child and pregnant though, because that's just not true. I think having a happy balanced family home is equally important, so there are definite benefits, but I'm certainly living a significantly easier life and I wouldn't judge anyone for pointing that out.

Bubbletrouble43 · 31/08/2019 22:34

Courtney555 as a mum of 2 year old twins, you need to hire help or you're going to get a big shock! Lots of your post made me lol, esp " keeping the house ice" , I mean this kindly, but you will not get to be lazy when these twins arrive! I work pt and my work days are waaaay easier than my at home days! Congratulations and good luck with your twins, btw, it is amazing ( amongst other things!)

Bubbletrouble43 · 31/08/2019 22:37

Just re-read your post Courtney 555 and I think you're missing the point, most sahms... stay at home WITH their kids. Of course it's a piece of piss if you put them in nursery at 3 months!

Bubbletrouble43 · 31/08/2019 22:40

Grobags I totally agree. X

LeafCutterAnt · 31/08/2019 22:40

Courtney555 If your son was at nursery from 3 months it's not quite the same though. Your days do sound very relaxed and nothing like my experience of being at home with a baby and toddler.

LeafCutterAnt · 31/08/2019 22:43

It's quite common for people at toddler groups to say they "go to work for a break"

SuzieQ10 · 31/08/2019 22:51

It's quite common for people at toddler groups to say they "go to work for a break"

I genuinely do go to work for a break. I work part time and find my days with DC exhausting. I'm doing 2.5 days p/w at the moment and it feels like a good balance for now.

OP you just can't win, none of us can. Judgment for working full time, part time or staying at home looking after children. Everyone's got views. All we can do is what we understand to be best for our families.

Courtney555 · 31/08/2019 22:52

Just re-read your post Courtney 555 and I think you're missing the point, most sahms... stay at home WITH their kids. Of course it's a piece of piss if you put them in nursery at 3 months!

And if you re-read it again, you'll see he was in nursery so could work. From home. Twice a week. The rest of the time he was with me...

MrsNonsense · 31/08/2019 22:57

It's fine. If you're a sahm people might say you're lazy or useless. If you work people might say you're selfish for abandoning your babies and letting other people raise your children.
Unfortunately, for mothers, whatever you choose people will react, people will judge, and people will criticise.

You just have to do whatever is going to work best for you. Trust me. If you work, you'll hear rubbish, if you don't work you'll also hear rubbish. So best to just learn to not listen to others opinions on things like this.

5zeds · 31/08/2019 22:57

People tend to assume I’m stupid and/or subservient. I rarely do anything about their stereotyping. Suggestions that I am lazy I find deeply upsetting but the reality is many simply can’t see what it is I do at all. I know few people put in the kind of hours I do and that the results of all that work are minimised almost universally but I’m proud of what I do and how well I do it.

tigger001 · 31/08/2019 23:16

On MN there is the assumption your are not financially independent, you have no pension, your husband is going to run off with the secretary, you have 'lost you " because you are nothing without your job title or work to talk about and it's generally not very feminist of you 😂😂😂

In RL people are completely fine about (it's none of their business so not overly invested to care ) the ones that do comment normally see it as a good thing to be able to stay at home with your baby and not have to go back to work.

If you're mates are you're mates, they will understand your choices and support you in them and the choice to stay at home is more important to you than a piss up or pamper session, if not sorry but screw them they are not real mates,

I absolutely love it, wouldn't change anything, I have great time with my son, busy social life and lots of fun. And won't have any regrets

You have to do what suits you and your family situation, it's not one situation fits all. Could go back part time, full time or not at all. You do you, only you know what will work.

Good luck.

LeafCutterAnt · 01/09/2019 01:11

I don't pretend I'm working just as hard now because I'm raising a child and pregnant though, because that's just not true
Of course not, but your son is 11.

MustardScreams · 01/09/2019 01:26

Well @tigger001 you do make a good point, albeit in a snarky way.

It’s not just about someone’s husband running off with the secretary, it if they’re diagnosed with a horrific illness, have a car accident, stroke etc etc that means they can’t work. Or yes, divorcing. You’re then left with a family with little income and bills to pay and a woman who had been out of work for years now desperately trying to find something.

I would never leave myself that vulnerable, I just wouldn’t ever be able to relax. I don’t judge SAHM at all, it’s what works for their family. But I would always personally work PT, even just one day a week to keep the security just in case. Everyone always thinks it never happens to them until it does.

I’m a single mum, so I have to work full time. But I enjoy it and dd hasn’t disowned me for it yet!