How do you deal with the loneliness of being a SAHP?

[TimeWoundsAllHeals]

I know there’s baby groups and things but if anything I feel like they make me feel worse because I go hoping to make a connection maybe or just have an interesting conversation and instead it’s all small talk about babies or worse peoples home improvement plans or even worse talking about going back to work (nothing against that, just I’m unemployable so it just reminds me of my inadequacies).

Hi 👋🏻
I just came to the forum to make a similar post, so it was nice to see yours and know that someone feels the same as me.
I'm really struggling with the loneliness too, and have begun using Peanut, and mummy social, to reach out to local mums. So far it isn't working for me (I live semi-rural), but it may be a help to you?
I completely agree with the baby groups too, I stopped going because I actually felt more lonely (and deflated!) after attending.
I'm sorry you are feeling isolated and lonely also, I hope that changes very soon

I guess it depends on your personality type. As a SAHM, I’ve never felt so in need of time alone. I craved it so much when my dd was little, I thought I’d have a breakdown. Just a few minutes when I wasn’t being touched, or listening out for every sound, or planning the next 27 tiny but important things for their health, safety or entertainment. A break from chatting with well-meaning family, friends & strangers about teething, how she was named, how’s the sleeping, breastfeeding etc.

I just really needed silence, darkness, and a complete lack of Other People. Except for one trusted person to mind the child, obviously!!

Not to disagree with the experience of others, but it’s not lonely for everyone. Good luck with finding the connections you crave, it sounds like you’re finding it tricky and I’m sad for that.

I really just want people to play with. Like not make mindless small talk with, to play with.

What do you mean "to play with"?

Well like I have a project I’m working on to build a computer model and it’s lonely having no one to talk about the project with. Or I’ve been doing capture the flags and I have no one to talk to about it - or even do it together. Stuff like that. Or in a non computer vein I like folk singing but I have no one to make harmonies with, am stuck with melodic singing.

I’ve never found it lonely - but I accept, as a pp said, that people are different. What I will say is that you inevitably talk about babies with baby group people (because that’s the only thing that you know upfront that you have in common). That can be tedious...but, after a while, you will break out beyond that with a few people and they can turn into genuine friendships. So it’s worth persevering unless you find you really don’t like them.

The interests you describe sound interesting, but possibly a little niche to find a likeminded soul at a baby group. Maybe you’d be better off looking for a local computer/folk group and seeing if you could get some childcare for a couple of hours to do that? That said, one of my very good friends (met at a baby group) isn’t someone with whom I have a lot in common; to be honest, we may not have been friends if we’d met at another time. But that shared experience has brought us close together and we have a very strong friendship now. I think you can only give it a bit more time and see what develops.

Doesn’t seem like childcare is going to be an option any time soon (like one off fine but as a regular thing less so). Maybe when the youngest is old enough for free 15hrs? Just feels like so far away.

Can’t wait until the kids are old enough to have interesting conversations. Older one just likes talking about letters and colours and the younger one can’t even talk yet.

Are you on your own op? Is the child's dad around?

Yeah my husband is around. The time he gets back from work is really inconvenient in terms of the general evening activities time of day. Doesn’t help that neither of us drive so rely on public transport (which adds 30-40 min of travel time at a minimum).

Did you have friends that were similarly minded before becoming a mum? It's just the interests you've listed are quite niche and a baby group probably isn't the best place to seek a conversation regarding those topics. Perhaps lower your expectations and look into online forums which interest you for the meantime? Or reconnect with those who you know have similar interests to you?

Agree that your listed hobbies are quite niche... do you have existing friends who do those things with you?

Not really, since we moved for husbands work I don’t really know anyone.

I guess the problem is that I need people who are both interested in the same things as me and understand the limitations that caring for two small children put on exploring those interests. Back in uni I could spend 8-10hrs a day (or more) grappling with some problem for fun or for an assignment or whatever but as a person with childcare responsibilities I can only really spend a couple of hours a day and that’s also my time to fit in all the housework (not that I do a tonne I admit).

It really is a very specific requirement and I don’t think there’s much hope really. Just have to learn to cope with being lonely.

I hear you OP. In the early newborn days I liked baby groups. Now DS is 4 months old and I'm finding them tedious, same thing happened when DD was a baby. I find talking to the group leaders much more interesting, try that next time? You don't have to talk about your baby with them and they will have more interesting topics than the other mums there.

Hi OP sorry you are feeling lonely. I've not been a SAHM for long and am already realising it's quite an isolating experience. I think your hobbies sound quite nice really, I don't know many women in IT and of the few I do, I wouldn't expect them to be interested in building computers. I also don't know many folk singers and I'm not sure what capture the flag is exactly.

I think you might have trouble finding anyone to share your hobbies unless you find specific groups. Have you tried searching Facebook for groups that you are interested in? There might be regional meet ups going on, or just chatting online might be of enough interest that you get your fix and make the baby group chatter more bearable.

For what it's worth I think your hobbies sound very interesting, but thinking about my closest friends there aren't many hobbies we share but we can still find things to talk about.

I meant your hobbies sound niche, but they do sound nice too!

Sorry cross posted with your last update. When you talk about problem solving... is it a need for mental stimulation that you are craving? And you previously found that through computer models?

You don't have to talk about your baby with them and they will have more interesting topics than the other mums there

That’s a bit harsh . I go to baby groups and have many interesting things to talk about with the other mums, we don’t just talk about dirty nappies and reflux. Why would the group leaders be inherently ‘more interesting’? Despite being a mother I and my friends are quite capable of discussing a wide range of subjects.

Also I think with the baby group thing, if you find someone you think is good company, you gave to be bold and reach out to ask for their details and arrange a day together. Then you get to know them a bit deeper.

I have checked Facebook yeah. Didn’t find much but I could be using the wrong search terms.

When I say computer models I don’t mean models of computers but models (of social and natural phenomena) that run on computers.

Capture the flag is a kind of game where people hide a message (the flag) on a system and you have to find it by exploiting vulnerabilities in the system or whatever. It’s like “hacking” except that a) totally legal and b) you know there’s something to exploit because it’s all been set up. Last one I did explored cryptology vulnerabilities. Was lots of fun.

I can get mental stimulation just doing these things but I don’t get to bounce ideas off people or talk about what I’m learning or anything so I guess it’s more the social side. I’d love to have like a team or club to do things with but without the hyper-competitive nerdism aspect. I am really not good in hypercompetitive situations.

I think the expectations placed on toddler groups by some mums is ridiculously high and almost inevitably lead to disappointment. You need to go regularly and for quite a long time to make genuine friends, however I have found it to be more than worth it. Your hobbies do sound quite niche op and maybe better suited to a weekend group or club? What kind of things do you do now with your dc?

What kind of things do you do now with your dc?

We go to a singing thing at the library and we go to two playgroups in the week. I’m not super consistent though.

What do you mean by 'unemployable' op? Is that something that could be overcome? Can we help with suggestions? Is really does sound like you might be better suited to work or study?

How did you go about finding people to share your interests with before you had children? Maybe you could create your own Facebook group and invite these people to join and invite others? Maybe there is a community on Reddit or elsewhere.

Why don’t you start up a folk singing group? Could allow babies to come along but make sure it’s aimed at the adults.

Is that something that could be overcome?

Maybe in time.

I’m starting a BSc in maths and stats with the OU in February assuming my loan goes through. Might go somewhere productive both in social terms and in future employability terms but I’ll be like 37 when I’m done. And I’ve skimmed the curriculum and I feel like I’ll still only know surface level stuff at the end of it. I guess that’s the nature of a BSc. But if I do a masters after I’m going to have to add another few years and be in my 40s before I can work on anything fun, at entry level, in a professional capacity. I feel like I’d never be able to compete with the fresh young things out there and anyway it doesn’t really do much for me in the here and now.