HELP! SAHP how do you do it?

[HeyDiddleDumplings]

Hi,

I'm a SAHM to DS 3 1/2 and DD 1 1/2. I wanted to be around while the children were young and we are fortunate to be able to make it work financially - just. So I gave up/paused a good career in a rewarding field to be at home.

At first when it was just DS I enjoyed it, we got out loads, I found it fun and quite rewarding, it had its moments but on the whole I was positive. Now with two I find I'm just not really coping, I find everyday a complete struggle. It's a constant battle of cleaning, washing, shopping, cooking and I feel like all I do is fire fight with the DC and not really give either much attention. I get out with them but it's just not easy as DD sleeps in the morning and DS the afternoon. DS does go to Pre-school two days.

DH works long days so isn't around and I have no one near by the lend me a hand - so it's just us. DS is an early riser and DD doesn't sleep through the night yet. So I feel exhausted. Once they are in bed, once I've cleared away it's nearly and all I want to do is watch crap TV for a bit and go to bed.

I know I'm fortunate to be able to do this. But right now I just feel so down with it all, everything seems like it's on top of me and I'm loosing all sense of me outside of washing! I'm not sure if now is a good time to look for some work part time or if its just the ages of the DC and once we're over this hump the daily monotony will shift a bit and I might start enjoying it again?!

How do other parents do it? How do you carve out any sense of yourself? How do you not get constantly caught up with all the housework? I'd really appreciate some feedback on how other people make this work.

My children are exactly the same ages as yours and I solved it by going back to work! Sorry if that’s not much help but I though I liked the idea of being a SAHP but actually once I had two it was crap. I work 2.5 days a week (am a secondary school teacher) and I appreciate my job much more now when I’m now and my kids much more when I’m with them.

Basically, as you say, I felt like all I was doing was washing and cleaning the same bits of the house over and over again. Also my eldest DD gets up at 5am every day too so I was knackered at home, more so than now, because she sleeps slightly later on her nursery days (like 6am!) and has more structure to her days.

As for getting out with them- it is much tougher than when it was just me and the eldest. I would say grit your teeth and do it at least a couple of times a week but to controlled environments like playgroup etc.

There’s no weakness is wanting to do a paid job though, if that’s what you land on.

Good luck. It’s not easy to make the decision.

Same experience here. Youngest will start preschool in Sept and I'm counting down the days to finally have a break to work freelance again. Having 2 changes everything and I feel the housework has quadrupled not just doubled.

Also totally agree that it's not necessarily benefiting the children anymore - I spend an unbelievable number of hours each week cooking, cleaning, picking up, keeping on top of things and household admin. I'm finding I'm not paying much attention at all to the children or teaching them anything. My youngest would most definitely benefit from structured childcare now.

I do get out to an activity most mornings. Previously it was every single morning but now I've cut that down to 3 x weekly as I was finding I couldn't keep on top of the housework as easily when out 5 x weekly.

I also have an early riser which does add a completely different dimension to things. I have no evenings and go to bed not long after the children. It's soul destroying to be honest.

I know of only 3 full time SAHM and all are struggling with low mood, overwhelm and less than perfect marriages. I know lots and lots of working mums and I can't say the same about any of them. Even though i still enjoy parts of it and do cherish the time spent with them so much the housework/cooking is quite relentless.

Would love to here from any SAHP who are making it work.

I really enjoy being a sahm my eldest is in reception at school and youngest starting preschool after summer hols. Some days are cleaning etc but we do lots of play dates so I can have a chat with friends while ds plays, toddler groups we both enjoy, classes, going to different parks, library, ds quite likes shopping usually because it involves cafe stop!
I know quite a few mums on the school run so I weirdly quite enjoy doing that too as it’s a nice walk and I get to catch up with the mums while picking dd up.
I volunteer a few different places but it’s the odd event I help out throughout the year but it’s interesting to get involved and I study from Home (mostly at night) but it gives me another interest.

Do you think the three year old's early rising could be helped by dropping the nap? My 2 year old dropped hers recently and is now waking up at 6:15 instead of 5:30, which doesn't sound like much but has made a huge difference to all of our moods!

I want to write more, and will do later when i have a chance, I'm sahm to one with a disability, another on the way, hopefully be back later!

Being a sahm with two pre school aged children is bloody difficult. I was in exactly the same situation (22 months between my dc, dh out of the house for 12 hours a day, both dc up for the day at 5am etc etc) so i absolutely understand where you're coming from.

I stuck with it and it got so much more enjoyable when dd1 started school. I'm so glad I didn't head straight back to work because I got to spend that extra time with them.

Do bare in mind though that it can be difficult to get back into work after a long break. I ended up being off for almost 10 years and getting back into work is a big struggle. I dot regret the choices we made though and I would do it again.

We have 4 dc

10, 8, 5 and 18m

I spend so much time organising everyone and cleaning / washing / shopping it is like a job!

I only became sahm a few months ago and did so because i couldnt do all the things and my job too

I find it helps to have set times for cleaning, cooking, laundry etc. Doesn't mean I never do anything outside of those times,but it helps to have a routine and it means I feel I can leave some things because I've done my bit for the day.

Laundry I do a wash-load a day, on in the morning and then hang it out and put the other lot away. Washing up I try and keep on top of throughout the day. Cleaning, I deep clean one room on the same morning every week (bit of decluttering, dust, mop, polish etc) while toddler potters.and then on the same afternoon I put DC in the bath which they 'clean' while I clean the bathroom. Same with food shopping - same time every week which helps take out alot of the thinking/planning time. And then just pop to the corner-shop Inbetween.

I stay at home to a 3 and 4 year old and expecting number 3 soon. I’ve felt exactly like you, I even tried to go back to work, but that wasn’t a roaring success. So what we’ve done is I stated to put the older in nursery for a few hours then later the younger one went too. I alternate it so I have a day alone with each and then days with both. It does make it a lot easier. I appreciate this isn’t an option for everyone, but it helped me.

Sahm for 10 years. Youngest has just started nursery. My tips for riding the low moments is to stop doing the house stuff. There’s always going to be things to clean & tidy & it can really grind you down. I do a load of washing at night, get the kids to help tidy & then spend loads of time out of the house to keep it tidy.

Do you have a social group? Friends are integral to being a SAHM as it can be so isolating. I would definitely look at stopping the 3 year olds nap & moving the youngest to the afternoon- shifting it 20 minutes or so a day. That would mean some time in the afternoon for you so you’re not falling into the trap of time for yourself at 11pm watching rubbish tv.

Thanks so much for all the reply's. It took me ages to pluck up the courage to write that and to understand and articulate how I feel. DH is great at listening and he helps so much considering his hours but unless you're doing it day in day out it's hard to really get it. It's great to know it's my just me!

It's interesting that part time or freelance work seems to help some - part of me thinks this could work for us and part of me thinks things will get easier in time. Especially when DD can go to Pre-school.

I think breaking down the cleaning would certainly help. My house is in no way a show home ", I'm just struggling with keep the essentials done.

I know how you feel. It gets a bit easier when one starts school. You need something for you. I'm starting volunteering soon.

I've tried numerous times to drop the older ones nap and it leads to him waking up even earlier and as he's so tired he then gets really vicious with the little one. I am hoping this will fade out this year! But yes agree it would make things much easier.

It just comes with the territory of being a sahp sadly. I have days that are brilliant and others where in my mind I'm walking out and the door and walking to the next county. I have two under two and have to use the bus for the school run to pick up dc3 so some days go not just wrong but very wrong.

Make sure you're getting more time to yourself, for me I find the problem with monotony and cleaning/doing the same stuff every day is just too overwhelming if there is nothing else, it's too consuming and you need an outlet and to feel like you can just be you for a bit.

I have a 5 year old in reception a 4 year old in nursery 2 1/2 days a week and a 16 month old who is at home and can't go to nursery til hes 3 at least due to health issues.
I have to cook literally everything from scratch for the youngest as he serious multiple allergies and can't eat anything pre packaged. So end up cooking 3 teas a day aswel as breakfasts lunches etc . My oh works long hours and often does overtine. I'm on my own a lot. It's pissing relentless. Illnesses are frequent, up everything between 4 and 5 and don't get to bed til late. The cleaning washing life admin etc never seem to stop. So can't offer advice just a friendly virtual hug and I feel yout pain. Oh and as if I didn't have enough to do 4 months ago oh brought a 6 month old rescue pup home...cheers love

Oh and as I'm typing this in quite badly unwell and the 4 year old has woken with croup

You just do! Mine are 7 and 5 now and both at school and only now I can offer a couple of hours of my time per day to a job. But when they were that age the only things that got done were the baree minimum, mainly cuddling, playing and shopping. Realising I had to consciously take a step off my grownup life and get on a much slower paced train to match my kids pace made things make more sense. Such is life

I don't get it when people say on these threads
'just leave the housework'
'Lower your standards'

It's misery as it is - can't invite anyone round as it's too messy & a bit grubby (my 2 yr old just smeared Estée Lauder double wear over the lounge carpet leaving a side plate sized stain - I have no idea how he even managed to find that) and forever unable to find things no matter how hard I try to put away and keep on top of things - I have 2 kids hell bent on turning the place upside down on a daily basis.

Having a messy/dirty home is pretty detrimental to everyone, no?

Have any of you managed to teach young children that it's not ok to cause chaos? Creating mess wherever they go? My 6 yr old still doesn't get it.

Worried - chaos is a given but I keep it limited. 10 minutes a day to each room downstairs & the bathroom at night when the kids are in the bath & it’s much easier to stay on top. You have to find a routine that works. If the 6 year old won’t pick up their stuff take it away. It doesn’t take long for them to catch on to the consequences. I think SAHP take on all the responsibilities to their detriment. Share the load & that means talking about when you feel overwhelmed & trapped. Many times I’ve wanted to hide away & you shouldn’t feel bad about it.

@EchidnasPhone - good idea - DH and I have just been talking about this. One area we struggle with is art materials, drawing/making which is out of control. DH said until eldest can learn/accept then they should only have one small pencil case & one piece of paper available at a time.

I need to find the time minimise their stuff further. I do work hard it this but clearly more to be done.

I have two with 19 months between them. Sick to death of endless tantrums and playground visits. Back to work next week and looking forward to it.
Having one was lovely, two is just hard graft constantly. Little buggers cry at the same time, are so demanding and never sleep at the same time.
Go back to work I’d say

I called these the dark years

Returning to work was my saviour!

It's quite good to here others find/found this so hard! It's been great to actually admit it though as it's got me thinking about the suggestions here and what I think might help lighten the load. A cleaner would certainly help but we can't stretch to that right now.

@worried1254 OMG That's my fave foundation! Little blighters wasting that!

I’m not a SAHM now, but I used to be one. I did enjoy it at the time (although I had a cleaner once a week, which helped a lot!) but now I’m back at work I am happier.

DD sleeps in the morning and DS the afternoon. DS does go to Pre-school two days.

The first thing I'd suggest is to change this to 5 mornings a week. He first need to do full days, given you don't work. And he sleeps in the afternoon so isn't gaining anything from nursery in the afternoon.

Then your day becomes:

● Early Morning

• Get both kids up, dressed, breakfast. Maybe wash some pots but don't stress about housework, just getting everyone ready and out the house by 8.30am

● Morning

Back from dropping DS at nursery, time DD's nap for when you get home and have it as a cot nap. That gives you a couple of hours to do housework without the kids

Within the next few months your DD should push this nap into the afternoon anyway. So this gives you some 121 time with youngest.

● Lunchtime Out the house sgdin to collect from nursery. Home and give birth dinner.

● Afternoon

DS down for his nap after lunch. I assume DD also has a second nap? Get them napping at the same time. If DD is only napping in the morning then definitely push that nap later and into the afternoon - so they both nap at same time.

In a few months DS will probably drop his nap. That gives you some 121 time with him. I use my afternoons (I have a napping 3 1/2 you too) to prepare dinner and sort laundry.

● Late Afternoon

You will probably have a couple of hours from 3pm to get out the house if you need to or want to. Be it shopping in the park.

● Dinner and early evening

Assuming your DH is home, you can pass the childcare mantle over at this point. I often do grocery shopping after dinner, say 6pm, so that I'm home for bedtime but don't need to take the children.

● Evening

One the children in bed, your time is your own.

You may have noticed, I find having structure and predictability to my day helps a lot.

You are in a period of change right now with your children. I wouldn't bake too many permanent changes. In no time both will be at nursery and oldest ready for school. You'll have much more time then.