Is it important to be career minded?

[Northernbird11]

I had my son just under a year ago and decided to give up my job so I could stay at home with him and my partners wage cover us.
I am happy at home with him but I look at my friends who have babies the same age who are doing really well in their careers and it makes me feel a bit.. useless?
I’ve never really known what I wanted to do for a career and mostly just worked for the money. I almost feel like people look down on me for staying at home and that I’m less of a person(?) for not having a career.

Career not so important. If you're not married think about keeping independent income. For lots of people this a job not career. Tru luv won't pay your bills if you split from your partner. Harsh but realistic.

It's not important to be career minded, but it is important to be financially minded if you're a SAHP. What will you do about a pension for yourself, for national insurance contributions, etc? What would you do if you split up with your partner or the worst case scenario of them dying?

Agree with the others. If you’re not married and you’re a SAHM you’re in a very vulnerable financial position. My advice is to get a job or get married (or both!).

Anyone who looks down on you is an idiot btw. Society doesn't value the work of looking after the next generation, where it most definitely should.

I don’t think you need to be ‘career minded’ - some people just aren’t.

But bear in mind that if you split from your partner, as unmarried you won’t be entitled to a share of assets in the same way as if you were married. And you might find it hard to get a job after a few years as SAHP.

To protect yourself I would 1. Get married and 2.get a job, even if just very part time.

Unless of course you are independently very wealthy and have investments etc to live off.

Also consider how you will provide a pension for yourself if not working

Thank you everyone. I do worry about my pension etc. We are getting married but not until 2020 so that we have time to save up and have a nice wedding rather than a rush job if you know what I mean.
It’s more situational at the moment, we have no family around to take care of DS, neither of us are keen on the idea of nursery/childcare (just a personal preference) and most of them round here have a long waiting list anyway. So it’s just a bit of a awkward situation for me.
My name is on the mortgage although I’m not sure what that does or doesn’t entitle me to x

If either of us dies I know that the mortgage automatically gets paid off but whether we get any other form of pay out I aren’t sure x

I think you need to check on the mortgage pay off. Is that an insurance policy that your partner has? Without wishing to be rude, he could change that without telling you in the event of a split, or even before any split, and then if he died at that point you wouldn't be covered. What would happen to the mortgage if you split up before you get married?

Being a SAHM when you’re married and when you’re just cohabiting are two different things. Generally in an inheritance, for example, unless all accounts and investments are joint (including property deeds) the money automatically goes to the children and inheritance tax is payable if it exceeds a certain amount. If you got married inheritance tax wouldn’t apply as spouses can inherit without that liability.

Yeah it’s an insurance policy that we both have - I think it’s literally called death and critical illness cover?
I’m really not sure regarding the mortgage, something we need to talk about I guess

I know everything to do with the house is in both of our names as at the time I was working full time and he wasn’t earning enough to be accepted for the mortgage on his own wage. Who would get what if we were to split up though I have no idea. I just think if I start talking like this and then say let’s bring the wedding forward he’ll think I’m just wanting to get married sooner to cover my own back. I really want a church and followed hotel wedding rather than registration office followed by pub which is all we can afford right now

I’d have a quickie registry office do now to be honest.

Absolutely no one should be looking down at you for being a sahm and not everyone is thrilled by climbing the career ladder. That’s totally fine.
An unmarried sahm needs to be financially secure. I hate to be a downer but in our thirties we’ve had four deaths of men in our social circle - all very unexpected and quite sudden. It’s really important to protect yourself and the children - no one wants to think their partner will up and leave but the reality is a high proportion of relationships do fail, and tragedies do occur.

So no yanbu at all for being a Sahm. At the same time you’re in a very vulnerable position financially. You need to sort that out (quickie wedding, pension / NI cover set up for you would be the easiest way.)

I feel a bit stuck between a rock and a hard place IYKWIM

I’ll talk to him over the weekend about the wedding and what our options are. I know his parents are wealthy so they may well help us, I just didn’t want to if we didn’t have to. X

If you are married are your pensions etc split?? I literally know hardly anything about these kind of things (im in the UK)

Is the insurance taken out in your name? If so then I think that would be ok.

If you were to split, and one of you move out, how would the person remaining in the house pay the full mortgage? I think you should be thinking about this now, because you've got 2 years before getting married which is a long time.

Irrespective of that, considering a pension of your own is probably sensible. Plus how you would get back into work should you need to.

he’ll think I’m just wanting to get married sooner to cover my own back.

There’s nothing wrong with this though.

Be clear eyed about it. You’re marrying HIM because you love him and want to spend the rest of your life with him. But marriage itself is more than just that idea, it’s a set of conventions that create a new unit - the couple, with financial and legal protections.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with acknowledging that. It’s a sensible, adult and responsible viewpoint and it doesn’t detract at all from the love you share - people who love each other should be more concerned with their security.

I wouldn't look down on you for not being career minded, however you do sound a bit naïve and seem uninformed as to what will happen should your partner die or if you split. As a mother I feel the weight of responsibility to ensure my DC are provided for in the future and I do not become a burden in my old age (as far as possible) For this reason I married before having DC, will be returning to work, contribute to a pension, save, have written a joint will, all finances are in joint name and we have significant life insurance. We both have access to all accounts and are aware of the policies we have in place and how to access them should the need arrive- not the only way to do it obviously, but I think you need to consider these things:

If you split, how will you maintain current lifestyle? Can you re-enter the workforce at a decent salary level?

Do you have equal ownership over your assets (house, car etc)?

Do you have sufficient life insurance in place (to cover funeral costs, mortgage, bills on an ongoing basis until you are back on your feet, earning etc)?

Do you have savings for emergencies?

Do you have access to cash (on an ongoing basis, and for emergencies)?

How will you provide for your old age?

If you can answer these and feel comfortable and secure in your choices then don't worry...if not, do some work to make sure you can!

Definitely get married if you want to be a SAHM and sort out your finances and expectations with your partner.

We are getting married but not until 2020 so that we have time to save up and have a nice wedding rather than a rush job if you know what I mean

Financial security, for you and your child, is so much more important than a big party in a fancy dress. Our wedding was what you might call a 'rush job', planned it in 6 months and it cost around £1k, it was small, and intimate and we have no regrets whatsoever. We married because we love each other and didn't want to start a family without being married due to the legal protections marriage affords us. Meanwhile two of my friends who had big fancy weddings have just got divorced, once within 18 months of the wedding

I just think if I start talking like this and then say let’s bring the wedding forward he’ll think I’m just wanting to get married sooner to cover my own back

There's nothing wrong with wanting your back to be covered, and if your DP truly loves you he would want your back to be covered too.

Some people are but you don't have to be. You can be if you want though

Yes we definitely both have the insurance, I know that for sure as OH got his no problem but mine took longer to get as I have a brain cyst so they needed my medical records etc.
If we split up I suppose I would either have to stay in the house until I found a job and somewhere to live, or we would sell the house and split the money I guess.
My name is on the mortgage so that is classed as half mine, and I have my own car that is mine outright - albeit only a 2005 reg VW polo.
I’m not sure what the life insurance policy is with regards to what it would pay out should anything happen to OH - I shall check.
I have no savings, the only cash I have access to is what OH gives me and the £80 whatever a month child benefit.
I have put into a pension in the 10 or so years I worked full time but I don’t imagine it would be too much.
I spoke to him about bringing the wedding forward and these reasons and as expected I got “you saying we should get married so you are entitled to more (not that I have anything apart from the house and that’s half yours anyway) doesn’t really make me what to get married any sooner” that were his words and what I expected him to say tbh

My name is on the mortgage so that is classed as half mine

A mortgage is a liability (ie an obligation to pay a debt) not an asset. The house (or at least the equity in it) is the asset. I assume you are joint owners of the house (ie registered as such at the Land Registry)? However you should also check whether you are registered as 'joint tenants’ or ‘tenants in common’. If tenants in common the property won't automatically go to the other owner if one owner dies.
The government has useful guidance here: www.gov.uk/joint-property-ownership

If you are planning on staying unmarried for the foreseeable future, I would make an appointment with a family solicitor to understand your rights and how you can protect yourself in the event of a split / the death of your partner. To be honest it would probably be cheaper just to go to the registry office and get married though!

I have no savings, the only cash I have access to is what OH gives me and the £80 whatever a month child benefit

In this case I would most definitely get a job. Even if it is just part time, a few hours in an evening or weekend when your partner can look after your son would be a good start. And I would start putting some money into a personal savings account (ie that only you can access).

I'm happily married, but I have a savings account (in my sole name) with enough money that, in the event of an emergency, I could afford to leave DH and set myself up in a new home. I'd recommend every woman (and man) thinks very seriously about doing this. Obviously I'm hoping I never have to leave, but I think it's sensible to put yourself in a position where you are not 100% financially dependent on someone else. I have a friend who had to leave her DH very suddenly when she caught him with another woman, and she was lucky to have enough cash for a flight back to the UK (they were expats living abroad).

You need to look into the possibility of contributing to a pension plan in your name. Even though you are not working, it should be possible to still make contributions into a plan in your name.

I spoke to him about bringing the wedding forward and these reasons and as expected I got “you saying we should get married so you are entitled to more

It's not so you are entitled to "more", it's just to ensure that you - and your child - are protected as well as possible in the event that something unexpected happens.

This explains the differences between marriage and living together as a couple. I think everyone in a long term relationship (especially with kids) should read it:

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/#h-children

Hopefully you and your DP will live long and happy lives together. I hope the same for me and my DH. However, I have seen friends' relationships break down completely out of the blue, and I know of more than one person who has had their partner die in their 30s, so my personal philosophy is to make sure I am as well prepared as possible, to make my life easier if anything bad were to happen.

Nothing more boring than having a career! I'm a Gemini and get bored easily. I pick up skills as I go along and have done many jobs over the years. It's never held me back and it's much more exciting!