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SAHP

A place for stay at home mums and dads to discuss life as a full-time parent.

Original poster

Money?

50 replies

BibbidiBobbidi · 05/09/2017 13:07

Hi all.

I've just handed my notice in at work so that I can become a SAHP (yay!) my OH will be working and earns enough to support us both.
We don't share an account and I was wondering how the rest of you manage your finances in a situation like this?
Do you have a joint account or does your partner give you cash/an allowance?

Thanks!

OP posts:
therealmrstumnus · 05/09/2017 13:09

We have a joint account and also go through finances quite a bit and set a budget for the week. If it's anything bigger than usual either of us wants to buy we chat about it first.

Orangebird69 · 05/09/2017 13:12

I'd opt for joint tbh. Or if you do get an 'allowance', you need to be really explicit about what that allowance is meant to cover. I am a sahm and get an 'allowance'. It's fairly good tbh but if I need more, and even though he's never said no, I bloody hate having to ask. It's a bit demeaning imo. DH refuses to get a joint account. But that's another thread entirely!

Puffpaw · 05/09/2017 13:15

Fgs get married if you are going to be sahp. Otherwise you have no legally enforceable protection or financial rights if it all goes wrong. And really finances should have been agreed before you quit your job. Have you got a plan for your pension?

Original poster
BibbidiBobbidi · 05/09/2017 13:21

I'm not going to be a SAHP forever, it's just until my children are at school and then I shall be going back to work. Pregnancy is very hard for me due to existing health issues and I'm planning on getting pregnant again so it would be ideal if I were at home for the whole of it.
We have discussed what we can afford obviously Hmm

He seems very against a joint account too, I'll guess after a few weeks I'll have more of an idea of how much I'll need on a weekly basis.

OP posts:
NapQueen · 05/09/2017 13:22

You are leaving yourself very vulnerable becoming unemployed when unmarried.

2014newme · 05/09/2017 13:24

You gave up your job without a clear idea of how finances will work and you're not married so highly financially vulnerable?!?!?!

Puffpaw · 05/09/2017 13:25

Not sure why the Hmm face, you may have agreed you can afford it but you have not sorted access to the money. Will he pay your pension contributions whilst you are off? Do you have a stake in the house? Why don't you get married at a registry office? You have no financial protection and it is hard to return to work after a career break. So you are taking a big financial hit for a very short term benefit and if it does not work out with your partner you'll be royally screwed. Are they all his children?

2014newme · 05/09/2017 13:25

You should both have access to all finances and the same amount of spendingmoney each and children expenses should not come out of your spending money.

2014newme · 05/09/2017 13:27

Yes pension is important as us death benefits, if he dropped dead tomorrow what death benefits does he have? Or he became ill or disabled and could not work. Or if he was made redundant

2014newme · 05/09/2017 13:29

@puffpaw exactly! Op making ffs faces when she's hacked in her job without even an un understanding with her dp as to how finances will work! See relationships thread for similar disasters.

Didiusfalco · 05/09/2017 13:30

We have a joint account, but always have had which helps. I think I would find it hard to only have access to a token amount.

Mellington · 05/09/2017 13:30

We don't have a joint account yet (holding off until we've done one more house move) but DH pays me a small amount each month so I have cash for phone bill, animal costs (dogs, horses, chickens) and to pay for coffee, lunch, top up shops and child's classes etc, diesel, anything that needs to be bought on an ad-hoc basis

The rest of the bills come out of his account, if I have to buy something big I just ask to use his card. All money is considered family money and I wouldn't spend more than a few hundred quid without running it past him first.

We've been doing this for three years without any problems but he knows he can trust me and I know I can trust him.

SocksRock · 05/09/2017 13:38

When I gave up work to be SAHM for a while, we had a joint account. Everything we had went in, bills went out, we saved some and then what was left we just spent. I'm back working again and we've kept it the same.

My husband suggested he give me an allowance. I said no bloody way, all joint or no deal, and you can carry on doing half the childcare. He added me to his account th next day.

2014newme · 05/09/2017 13:40

Things to consider op how will you pay for things for yourself like socialising, presents for people, Xmas, birthdays, clothes, shoes, haircuts, dental, prescriptions, make up, days out, lunches and coffee if out, beauty treatments, any medical expenses such as osteopath etc, dry cleaning, shoe repairs etc the list is long.

ChocoholicsAnonymous · 05/09/2017 13:44

Joint account. I have complete access.

Original poster
BibbidiBobbidi · 05/09/2017 13:54

It's a lot to think about and we may have to cut back on a few luxuries for a while.
Half of the house is mine, it's in both our names.
I've explained to my employer my reasons for leaving and the door has been left open for my return if I need to (kind of work that's always looking for staff).
My main reason for not working is so I can have a healthy pregnancy. That's more important to me right now than cash, although I do still need to pay for things. We've worked out that after bills, food and other essentials we'll have a large amount left over to play with/save.
We're both in our early 20s, pensions haven't really crossed my mind...

OP posts:
Tilapia · 05/09/2017 13:58

When I was a SAHM all money was completely shared (separate current accounts but a joint savings account which I would transfer money from if I needed to).

Agree that if you're going to be a SAHM you really should get married so that you are financially protected if you split.

JosephGetDownFromThere · 05/09/2017 14:19

I have been a SAHM for over a decade, no way would I have allowed myself to be given an allowance.

No joint account means it's his money, and sometimes men are loathe to share what was once just theirs.

Unless you are completely transparent about spending then this could go very pear.

Are you prepared to justify why you need more money this week than last week? Will you have to show him receipts or keep an account of what you spend?

How it works for us - joint account which I have full access to. A credit card in Dh's name that I spend on which gets paid in full automatically each month. I am not accountable to Dh for my every day spending. Just like I don't ask him what he has spent on lunch etc.

Any large spending is discussed beforehand. But then we have been together over 20 years so we know we can both trust each other.

If you have a house together, and are now having a child together, why wouldn't he let you share his money? Why does he have to give you an allowance like you are a child. Does he not trust you?

disneydatknee · 05/09/2017 14:20

We have a joint account and an agreed allowance (we both get the same amount each week to spend on ourselves). Then we have a set budget for the food shop and anything outside of food, bills or allowance is discussed before either of us buy anything. As we have an equal allowance, I usually use CB if the kids need anything but we don't have any other money coming in except that and DH wages. Works fine as long as you are both on the same page. It took a while for DH to accept that he may be the one out earning the money but I'm far cheaper than a childminder. Do you have any plans to get married? As others have said, it does leave you in a vulnerable position financially. It might sound fine in principal but you need a system in place (access to joint account or a standing order to you each week) because it's soul destroying having to ask for money as and when you need it. That's how we started out and quickly learned that approach did not work!

LemonBreeland · 05/09/2017 14:24

I would be exploring why he is against a joint account. It leaves you in a vulnerable position.

Are you going to have to justify every penny you spend?

Tilapia · 05/09/2017 14:31

It's fine that you're prioritising a healthy pregnancy over financial gain, but is your DH in agreement? If so, he should be prepared to either get married or get a joint account (preferably both). If he isn't, it sounds like he isn't fully on board.

The most important thing about being a SAHM is that your partner respects and values your role as much as you respect and value his.

2014newme · 05/09/2017 14:35

Have you identified and agreed what the luxuries are that you won't be affording? Even. home improvements, new car, holidays, meals out or are we talking haircuts and new clothes?
If neither of you have any pension provision, life assurance or income protection that would be of concern. Have a look what the state pension is.

KatharinaRosalie · 05/09/2017 14:43

When DH was a SAHD, we had all joint accounts. It would ahve felty odd for me to give him allowance or pocket money like he's a child.

Why is he against it?
What steps are you taking to make sure you're not losing out during all those years you're planning to be at home? You're not married, so whatever he buys with the money he earns is his alone.

Ecureuil · 05/09/2017 14:46

I'm currently a SAHM. We have a joint account, I wouldn't have done it otherwise. I also wouldn't have done it if we weren't married. We continue to pay into a private pension for me while I'm not working. Savings are also joint.
We discuss large purchases, and obviously work out our budget together.

Moreisnnogedag · 05/09/2017 14:54

My DH is a SAHP. Joint account definitely. We used to have separate ones out of laziness but got one when we had children. He knows our rough budget (and I send him a weekly 'state of the union' message so things don't get out of hand). Neither of us spends a significant amount without mentioning it to the other - £75+ for household things and probably £50+ if it's purely for ourselves.

No way would I give him an "allowance" - how demeaning.

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