Will you go back to work, and when?

[fiveacres]

For me it will possibly be in 2020

I've no idea what I'll do though

No.

I have two children too. Or were you looking at a nanny? If it's about £5 an hour per child (cm) before and after school it won't come close to your salary. Also (if they're not abolished by then) you can get childcare vouchers from your employer that mean some of the bill is tax free.

It'snot - how many children do you have? Is your DH stopping you from doing it, in effect? Could you consider an au pair, maybe?

I will do when I know what I want to do, I've tried doing my cv but just feel lost doing it.

I work voluntary, at the moment.
I've had low paid pt jobs in the past to work around the dc. But as I don't 'need' to work now, I want to find something I really want to do even if I study first.

On top of all that I've suffered from anxiety and depression, although I'm not in meds now. I found it very difficult keeping my anxiety under control when I started the voluntary work. For months I'd finish work then drive home on the brink of tears and feeling so panicky.

I'm beginning to wonder if I might train as a midwife. I always wanted to but couldn't see it fitting in around the dc, but maybe by the time I've trained the dc will be old enough to not matter so much.

I try not to project on here but that sounds worrying, itsnot

My (X) DH wouldn't let me work as a way of controlling me but more importantly isolating me.

Friend of mine did - her DC were 6 and 3.

She did find it hard though.

Thanks. He's not controlling. He just doesn't get it. He loves parenthood and when he's here he's completely hands on. However, he only sees then for an hour or 2 through the week then the weekends. We have 4 children and I just don't cope. We have no family whatsoever and he is out the country for 5days each month.
He encourages me to go out and see friends but my children range from 12 down to 1 and it's the day time at home with a 3yr old and a 1yr old that kills me. Then having to pick up a 9&12yr old from Sch and see to their needs whilst still having little ones. The older 2 boys are virtually ignored during the week because I'm so exhausted and so busy with ds3 and dd. I wanted to stop at 2 but relented after 6 yrs of begging from DH and him agreeing to a vasectomy. We had DS3, he had the snip and dd is a 'miracle' post vasectomy baby. Clinic very reputable but all the forms are clear that it does happen. I wanted to have a termination but I knew it would end my marriage. Anyway, she's here now. Already in a 5bed so no room for an au pair really.

DH thinks it would all fall apart if I went back to work. All the ferrying to their different clubs and Sch drop off and pick ups and dentist apps and optician apps and piano and shopping etc etc. and he's right that things would need to change. How could he work 7-7 with all the travel if I also worked? I just feel so tired I'm ready to lock myself in a cupboard and never come out.
I'm being dramatic, I know but I feel so hideous about it all. Thank you for answering. I don't really have anyone to talk to.

Gosh (((hugs))) your username is an apt one then, I am guessing?

You're not being dramatic. There's a lot going on in your post. I'm pregnant with an unplanned and if I am honest not really wanted baby, although I'll love and dote on her when she's here I am sure (I don't 'do' pregnancy particularly valiantly )

Bit of a cliche but it sounds like everyone matters but you - the glue that holds everyone together also has the lovely quality of being invisible. Which is rubbish

Itsnot - totally not being dramatic. Your DH sounds very limited-thinking if he can't see how knackering that must be for you, and quite selfish. I'm sure his job is very important and so on, but sounds as though things really would fall apart if you weren't doing all the background stuff, and that's rough on you.

You'd possibly enjoy it more if you didn't have to do it, but that's not really the point, is it - you're being pushed into it because there is really no choice, your DH isn't allowing you the choice because he wants to work 12h a day and travel with his job.

What about a shared-nanny? so not live in, but one that can do some of the hours in the day? Give you a chance to get out and do something, even if it's just for a couple of mornings.

Ha, yes! Everyone sees me as wife of successful lawyer and mother to 4 kids, the older 2 in private school. Beautiful 5bed house and shiny new tank car. But I'm so desperately lonely and find motherhood very isolating and emotionally draining. I can't shift the baby weight since no3 either and that adds to my negative feelings. Maybe if either of my parents were alive or I had siblings or any family really then it might be different. Dh's parents and sibling are also dead so no GPs or aunt or uncles. I'm sorry for bringing down the thread. I'm certainly not saying that sah is a terrible option but I've been doing it for nearly 12yrs and I am utterly drained. Thanks for the virtual flowers.

for you notas

You're not bringing down the thread at all.

I can REALLY empathise whir your post. My parents and brother are dead; my ex husbands died when he was 17. I'm sure that is partly what made him a tosser.

The thing with losing your parents young is that your whole identity and being becomes questionable and not working can add to that in a strange way.

Thank you. I will look into nanny shares etc but to be honest, it's not just the not having help, it's me not having enough headspace and emotional energy to look after 4 children for most of the week. I know that sounds selfish but it's like there's not enough room in my brain to devote to parenting them all to an acceptable level so I end up parenting to minimum standards most of the week, certainly for the older 2. It's awful and it breaks my heart because I was so close to my boys when they were little and never felt like this when I had a 3&1yr old then. I've always found it exhausting but never like this. DH thinks I'm depressed which I probably am but it's more than that.

Itsnot it seems that your oh has an idealized idea of parenthood and obvously enjoys a full time personal assistant. I have no advise but plenty of sympathy.

Thank you so much everyone! Fiveacres, yes, I think you're right, I feel like I dont know who I am and that working would help that. I need to try and take control of my life. Goodness knows how you get back to work after 12 yrs though. I was a deputy head teacher of a large primary school. School curriculum has changed dramatically in 12yrs!

DC's are 19, 16, 6 and 4 and i was a SAHM until i started work this January.
The whole plan was have the 2 elder dc's then go to work when dc2 in school. We didn't bargain on him being autistic which scuppered my career plans. I was researching midwifery just a couple of months before his diagnosis. Once dc4 was born i decided to start training and getting qualifications to get me into uni. I was rejected last year and as dp had been fired i started looking for a job, dp is now a great SAHD and carer and i have a part tine job as i couldn't just sit around waiting for uni yo accept me. 3rd time trying this September and then i am going to apply for primary teaching. If I get in this try i will be 44 when i start working full time.

I would like a second child and will plan to go back when they are at school, probably 2020 like OP unless I am forced to financially, before then.

I won't go back to my previous corporate life and am wondering about becoming a TA or similar to work term time hours?

But for now I love being with my DS and I focus on that and try not to think too far ahead.

debs

Sounds like you've had a rough year. Are you enjoying being back at work?

How long is the training on midwifery? and what qualifications are needed first.

I would love to get into social work. It's the only thing I actually feel passionate about, if that doesn't sound too artificial, but I just don't see a way of doing it.

Fiveacres, I have a social work qualification. I did it as a full time MA when my older two were 6&4. I did it partly because I wanted to keep my brain ticking over and partly because I wanted to move from mainstream teaching into working in a specialist unit for excluded children. I always felt that was where my passion lay and the admission team said my teaching qualification would be a good standing for the course. At that point you could do either an MA or a PGDip but I think it's just the MA now. I found it really interesting but one of the placements was fairly harrowing and made me realise what a thankless job social work must be.

Hopefully I won't sound ghoulish when I say the very nature of it is what appeals in some strange way.

I am famed for being lacklustre (2 pretty serious rounds of PND, and I'm sure round 3 is coming up - great!) so I felt surprised myself when I actually felt quite passionate about it.

It's the shifts. It's just me here, I've got three children (or will, soon.)

I think it used to be possible to do the MA through the OU so the theory was correspondence but you needed to organise your own placements. I had two in my 1yr course; a shortish one then a 12wk one. I think you can also do the MA p/t over 2 or 3yrs at some colleges.

Thank you. I've looked into it vaguely before concluding in disgust it's impossible!

Birmingham is probably closest for me but it's an hour on the train plus placements ...

Yeah, if you're a single parent then shifts must be virtually impossible.
I'm sorry for my earlier posts feeling sorry for myself. It must be so hard on your own with (soon to be) 3.

Not sure. The kids are 3 and 1, so it'll be a while yet before they'll both be in FT education, but DH and I have discussed it and he has no problem with my not going back to work then, provided our financial situation doesn't change for the worse. I think we both quite like the idea of my "job" being to take care of the home and family.

But who knows, I may find I'm bored rigid once they're at school, and be desperate to get back to work.