Trying to choose between two different lifestyle options

[KatEddy]

We are moving down to Devon (DH and DSx2 - have twin boys who are 3).

My husband is originally from north Devon and we currently live in Reading. We decided we need to move before the boys go to school.

We seem to be at a fork in the road now

1- live somewhere more remote and keep our current disposable income (not isolated but no walkable school or playground) but it is nearby to beautiful beaches and lots for boys to do.

For this option I could stay being a SAHM (& hopefully get a dog!)

Or

2 - live somewhere which is in a town, walk to school and playgrounds and more central but increase our mortgage considerably, meaning a lot less disposable income (beaches nearby not so good etc). For this option I'd need to get a job when boys start school.

My husband and I keep going between the two and our brains getting fried. I was wondering anyone has been in a similar situation or what opinions are..?

1. You are (presumably) moving for better quality of life. It sounds much the better option.

I live in an isolated property, literally on our own. I’m happy without doors locked until bedtime, not bothered about being on my own over night or dealing with any random man that turns up. If anything like this would make you nervous go for the town.
The practicalities of groceries, Internet etc are easily sorted.
My kids have got the bus to school, it is a bit strange waving them off on their first day at school from the end of lane but they were fine. We have a simple swing/slide thing at home and enjoy visiting different playgrounds in different villages

Wouldn't you want to go back to work anyway at the right time? If so it's a choice between very rural and town. Personally I do think you can be too rural, nothing to do on a rainy day, kids have to be driven everywhere and long bus ride to secondary. I chose a small town in a rural area as I like being able to get around on foot and my child can get places independently.

Is the difference between town and country really that vast in terms of price? Is there not some compromise where you could get a slightly smaller place in town until the boys are older and you want to go back to work?

Curious to know which random men turn up? Do you mean delivery men etc or literally unexpected randoms..?

I would think less about the financials and more about what sort of life you want. Are you outdoorsy? Do you like walks and gardening? Or are you really a townie and need a bit of buzz?

Is there a halfway house, like a village? It makes an enormous difference being able to walk to school even if that’s the only walkable amenity.

If you’re going for a big change in lifestyle it might be worth renting first, or at the very least trying a few weeks in an AirBnB.

Option 1. We live in rural Cumbria. 6 miles to school and 3 to the nearest shop. Mortgage free living in a lovely little village. We just accept we can't walk to the park but we tie it in with things such as shopping etc. The trade off it is worth it. Peaceful and safe with a few neighbours nearby. All I can hear right now is the birds

We don't want to move again for a while because of the huge cost (stamp duty and fees are no joke). We want to move somewhere with a bigger garden and a 3 bed + study or 4 bedrooms and this combination in the areas we're looking at are expensive. We're making sure we're close to good schools so that is also restricting us a bit.

I love this thank you. I just read a bedtime book about the planets to my boys and thought, ooh we'd actually be able to see stars at night if we lived in the village!

I think you have to really dig down into the details of the two options and work out exactly what your life would look like with both before deciding. That will depend a lot on the exact locations you are considering. I would be thinking about: what are the schools like (including secondary) and what are wraparound care options? What kids activities are accessible and would they be able to easily spend time with school friends, especially as they get older? What is traffic like at the time of school runs? What would you do when they are both at school (I was a SAHM until my youngest started school, now work PT and it's a good balance for us).

3 year olds are easy to entertain with beaches, playgrounds etc - as they get older that can change and they want more varied activities and more time with friends. I live in a small town on the edge of the countryside and with my children now older (9 and 12) having school, amenities and activities within a walk or a short drive is really important, especially for the 12 year old.

I know there are many families who live very rurally and it works for them, but I would really encourage you to think through the practicalities and consider what your family life will look like in 2, 5, and even 10 years before deciding.

I think isolating yourself from facilities whilst not working could be seriously detrimental to your mental health.

Being a SAHM in a place where you can easily access community and activities, acceptable lifestyle.

Living remotely whilst maintaining links to society and independence through work, also acceptable.

Removing yourself from both, big mistake, IMO.

Definitely option 1.

Thank you. Yes that is what we're trying to do but it is boggling our brain a bit. The one thing that is causing me to think over and over is the boys spending time freely with their friends. I guess they'll have bikes and can get the bus etc when they get older but I don't want to make a choice that will make their life more restricted when we're making the move to get more freedom/space.

I moved to a really rural location when my daughter was eight actually it was a huge problem as she got older because the lack of bus routes freedom et cetera there are teenagers in a minute. They need some kind of independence, not that I minded being a taxi driver for them But it didn’t give the same level of independence..
bicycles were a thing in my day, rural living
but no bus etc can become a grind

Thanks @HeddaGarbled it's not isolated but it's a rural village with no walkable school or playground. There's two towns about 15/20 minute drive away and another is 30 mins.

I'd hope to get involved in school life to get into the community and meet people that way. When the boys are at school I'd probably do some volunteering whilst trying to figure out what to do next with my working life.

I wouldn’t move somewhere too rural - it’s a horror with tweens/teens.

What most people want when they say they want to move to the country is to be on the edge of a nice market town

Check the secondary schools and see if there’s one that will suit. If primary is more than three miles away you will get transport for your children to the nearest school.

We have two DCs 10 and 13 and while, if we lived in a tiny hamlet they would be able to walk out into fields, the advantage of living in a town is they can now take themselves to the shops, the park, and DD can even walk to Scouts.

Are you sure you never want to work again? You have to consider the risk you'll divorce and have no financial backup and be starting your career again from scratch. Or heaven forbid you are widowed and your DH pension doesn't cover everything.

I grew up somewhere rural, and my parents did a lot of driving my sibling and me around when we were teenagers.
Going to a friend's house was walking across fields or mum's taxi.

I now live in an urban area and like things like having things within a few minutes' walk.

I can see the benefits of both.

Lots of random delivery men, a high court sheriff once and sometimes just random men and occasionally random women. They are usually looking for someone but not me. I get scrap men, people asking to buy this or that etc

1 is my idea of hell. I'm brilliant with my own company & I love dogs, but I decided by age10 to never be car dependent so I can't see the appeal. I'm an anti-homebody & always want to be out, too.

What will you 'do' with yourself besides chauffering if you do option 1, after the lads reach age of going to school?

I lived rurally as a teenager for a few years. My mother drove about 30k miles every year we were there to get us to the school, train station, etc. Our next house was a 5min walk from the train station!

In reality you are not going to let your young teenagers cycle on rural roads. They are more heavily used that you'd expect (and your DH will remember from childhood). And with high speeds, poor visibility with hedges and no cycle paths, it's something that doesn't happen much these days. So you will be driving constantly even in a village.

And work is hard to get in Devon, it's a lot more deprived than it appears. If you can't bring your job with you, try to find one fast as the longer you are out of work, the harder it will be to get a job in the future.

Devon is wonderful, but go in with your eyes open and forget cute rural life dreams!

We didn't live rurally, but somewhere with rubbish public transport. My mum was great at dropping off/picking up in the holidays and evenings, as well as for school. She worked, but had a term time only job, so was around. It meant we never missed out but was a fair bit for her.

If you decided you did want to work, would there be more options in the town? Especially if you wanted part time. Being a SAHM of school age kids is quite different. It might suit you, but some people can start to get a bit bored.

Option 1 sounds lovely to me, but do think about what you want access to and how far away it is. Having a swimming pool close by for lessons, as well as other clubs nearby, although they can do some at school which is easier.

The other thing to consider is having a more expensive house would give you more options for retirement. This might not be an issue, as you may either stay where you are or downsize, but could be a factor.

Would you want to be a SAHM living out in the sticks once the kids are at school all day? Everyone’s different and you might be a solitary person who enjoys doing the housework/baking/walking the dog but that sort of life wouldn’t do much for my mental health as I like to see friends and keep busy.
Is there no halfway compromise that involves living in a village or on the edge of town, that enables you to work P/T, have a life of your own and still be close to some facilities as well as good schools/beaches etc? Devon is a big place.

No way would I move to 1) with children. They’ll have no hope of independence as you’ll have to drive them everywhere. I’d also hate to have to drive for a school run every day.