Getting DH to take on more of the chores/ mental load in retirement - how, exactly?

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Interested to know how others have achieved this - whether you had a big 'sit down discussion & redistribution' or whether you managed to just gradually pass more on?

DH (62) retired last year and although I'm not working after a period of caring I guess I'm now considered retired, though not yet drawing any pension (I'm 59).

The thing is that the division of household chores hasn't changed much. I still handle all the food planning and shopping, organising the household, planning social events/ entertaining, doing household laundry (bedding, towels etc), changing beds, decluttering/tidying, and a bit of gardening. We also have DS(23) back home temporarily too, so that has created extra work in some ways (more food being eaten...)

Although DH does do some stuff (cooks c. 40% and does his own laundry) whenever I mention him taking on more he talks about 'all the stuff' he's already doing, but the jobs he does seem to be 'one off' which don't really take as much time e.g. arrange car insurance/MOT once a year/ book a holiday/ put the bins out and bring them back in (3 mins!).

I've also noticed that he doesn't check before making plans e.g. if someone needs to wait in for a delivery, or if anyone else needs to use the car etc.

I'm beginning to feel resentment creeping in and want to address it.

If he's used to you doing everything,he's not going to see why things should change .
Maybe start by doing a list of daily jobs you do and ask him to choose half
Then do a rota
Actually your son could do his share as well.

Just don't do it all, and he'll soon cop on. When I retired, I could no longer justify paying for a cleaner. But you know what? It's not exclusively my job. So I rarely do it. My also-retired husband sees a bit of muck around, and so he gets the vacuum cleaner out, and also scrubs the bathroom now and again.
You need to get your son to do chores too.... just play to everyone's strengths/preferences.
Otherwise, pay for some help, and get everyone to chip in on the cost.

DH and I are both still working, but a few years ago he was between jobs for a few months. Now usually I do all the cooking, because he works longer hours, but when he was off work we took turns - I would cook one week and he would cook the following week, where cooking includes the meal planning and shopping for that week.

This doesn't apply for you as he's already doing 40% of the cooking, but I do think you need to have a proper conversation about it rather than just expecting him to start helping more.

If he says "well remember I always take out the bins" or whatever, the easy response is "ok, I'll take out the bins every other week and you can do xxx every other week". He can't say that's not fair.

Dh is retired, I’m still working full time. He does everything around the house, cooks, does the housework etc.

I’m better with the ‘life admin’ stuff so do that still.

I really wouldn’t accept anything else while I’m still working full time. I guess if neither of you are working, 50/50 is the fairest option.

How long have you not worked for?

You need a list of everything + how long it takes per week. You can have a list of « once a year » tasks as well.

Take turns picking your tasks from both lists but at the end you should end up with the same time total, ie it is not the number of tasks that matters.

Then be very clear that being in charge of a task includes doing it without being reminded, tidying up afterwards if applicable, etc.

I find that it works better if DH is « fully in charge », for ex meal plan + shopping + cooking + washing up. Otherwise you end up in situations where one will cook but leave many dirty pans for the other one to wash. Or one will shop for an elaborate meal but the one in charge of cooking wanted to do something simpler.

There’s not a cut & dried answer to that really! I had my own business until ten years ago but caring for an elderly parent meant I could devote less and less time to it. After their death my client base had moved on so I ended up doing small amounts for DH’s business. I also managed a rental property until last year and still manage some other family assets (I have a finance background). I also volunteer for a charity committee.
In some ways I consider myself to be still ‘working’ although none of it paid!

Why the question?

your situation is almost identical to mine. I said I’m not doing it . You cook lunch I cook dinner. When we do housework we both work until it’s finished.

Do you have a shared calendar? Anyone who makes plans without checking ours is liable for any cock-ups that arise. But that means we both have to be diligent about putting everything on there.

Mine doesn't really pick up if I ask generally for him to do more stuff but if I say the towels need washing every weekend please could you take charge of that he is much more receptive. Or just say please can you run the vac round this morning every Saturday and he gradually picks up the habit.

I’ve seen this system recommended on here before - seems like quite an easy way to work out what is a fair balance - www.fairplaylife.com/the-cards

My DH and I retired 4 years ago when we were early/mid 50’s. It did take some time to redistribute chores and roles. I think my DH was hoping to play golf every day instead of going to work while I did everything else. It took a bit of time to achieve the changes we made.
Now we have a rota for cooking. He does a big hoovering/mopping session early in the week and I do a quick hoovering downstairs on other days and that type of thing.
He likes to do the food shopping so I never do that.
Regarding admin and social calendars it’s fairly evenly split. He likes to have more things booked in than me, I like a mixture of planning ahead and doing things at short notice do we try to come to a compromise.

I wish I knew the answer! I took on nearly everything before my husband retired. He was working very long hours and I retired early. When he retired I still carried on doing all the admin and most of the cleaning as he just didn’t have the skills. It’s a constant bond of contention and I really resent it. He is willing but he’s not as computer literate as me and not as willing to spend time looking for the best deals for insurance etc. He also just not up to scratch with cleaning. He does his best but it’s not the way I would do things.

You do it in tiny Incremental blocks and you have to be prepared to be in it for the long haul.

Everytime I post this i get criticised but it works amazingly well. 2 of my friends did this after I insisted they try it.

You break tasks down into small components and habit stack.
The aim at the end is he "owns" that task fully and its nmfp (not my fucking problem) anymore.

Start with easy idiot proof tasks first.
Dishwasher is my go to.

So the easiest way is "darling i am going to put the laundry on wpuld you unload the doshwasher"

You get him uploading the dishwasher each time. Then you do the same in the evening "im turning off.the lights will you pop on the dishwasher..."

Now you have him doing a whole task you frame in a complementary way and hand the task over. "Blah blah you are so great so lucly to have such a helpful husband. I love that youve stepped up and are dealing with the dishwasher ot means its just off my.mental load and I dont have to think about it"

Here is the hard bit. Now the dishwasher and its friends are not your problem... do not crack... put dirty plates next to it if not emptied ... clean one knife if you must....

Once he's properly established ownership I'm talking 6 months to a year in you can act like a reasonable person and unstack with dishwasher once in a while.

Ood shop do the same. I switched to Online step 1: Start by getting it delivered when I am out he is in. He has to unpack it every time.... then you progress... you do the shop order and he reviews (you start leaving g things he cares about out... he notices and adds them) you.let him start doing "first passes" on the order and then let him book it as its best as "he knows when he'll be home"

Ta-dah! Food shop NMFP.

Same with the laundry.. Start with folding it to put away and/or putting it away and work backwards

All of this is layered with "i am so lucky you are so great you da best" ego stroking type stuff

I did fairplay and the household tasks were split was 80/20 in early 23 (i was on mat leave and heading back to work) now its solidly 50/50 and at times hes doing over 50..we both habe demanding jobs and 2 small kids

That's called strategic incompetence. Was he useless at work or did he manage to figure that out somehow...

Well, he had a secretary . He’s dyspraxic which doesn’t help.

I love this. The trouble is he does unpack the shopping and put it away. I found two tubs of ice cream in the fridge instead of the freezer, melted. He has eaten half of one because he thought it was yogurt..

Washing up. He does it a lot. Only I find half washed cups in the cupboard and pans with water in them. I could go on.

He did organise for a heavy item collection by the council recently and was delighted with himself .

So he was reasonably senior then, aka bright and capable. He just decides to become floppy and useless suddenly at home.

To be honest he’s just not practical. He’s a sort of absent minded professor type unfortunately.

Like I said, its just common or garden strategic incompetence.

Lmfao... has he had a brain injury lately?

My build on this is you double down... he wants you to quit... but no...! you double down and go into boss mode
Theres 2 strands

1. "assuming stupidity good intent"
2. "reweaponsised incompetence"

assuming stupidity good intent

-Wait until hes settled with a tea enjoying some kind of phone game or watching some sport.

• interrupt him and make him leave and make come stand at the fridge.
• Let him be annoyed and pretend you cant notice.
• really politely and calmly show him the printout the bags that actually tell you where food goes "fridge' "freezer".
• start Explaining the labels politely like he is 5. he needs to tale the time to read the labels on bags and food if he cant intuitively understand what needs freezing and refrigeration.
• let him express and annoying / frustrating the conversation is. How you dont "need to tell him".
• -"misunderstand" and explain he shouldn't be hard on himself for getting something so simple and basic wrong.
• let him get more annoyed.
• do "oh now I understand" bit then so a variation on " hey little buddy i can see this is frustraring for you... its frustrating for me have to have this conversation with you too you know" (toddler levels of competence get toddler talk)
• He gets more annoyed
• You explain this is unfun and annoying for you too so 🤷🏻‍♀️
• insist he is inconvenienced by his incompetence and goes to buy more icecream to replace it. Do it nicely but repeatedly and firmly.
• rinse and repeat.

Top tip: if this doesnt work and you and stuck in this cycle move to method 2. reweaponse the incompetence.

reweaponsised incompetence

You can level this up by starting to ruin his food either by leaving it in bizarre places or forgetting to add / removing things he likes from the shop. When questioned parrot back whatever bullshit he gave you eg. on the basis " everyone makes mistakes" 🤷🏻‍♀️ you can also apply this laterally to other chores eg. Laundry

An example or reweaponised incompetence with the dishes is...

The dishes.... same thing reweaponise that incompetence.

• you leave the dirty one on top and take the next clean one if its for "not him".
• if its him you serve the dinner on the plates and give him the dirty plate because "you didn't notice either".
• If all dirty are dirty you put them in the sink and if you can.. leave it so its his problem. If not, then find him, "bring him" to the problem, show him it and explain they are all dirty. You need plates and "dont understand" what to do. Can he "help" you.
• when he kicks off you stay calm and stupid and explain his "job" is the dishes and you are "helping because its not done correctly and if it was done correctly you wouldnt be here.

THE CIRCLE IS COMPLETE!!! And you are back to "good intent"...
-He gets frustrated, you musunderstand and comfort him saying "dont be hard on yourself i know its a simple task to keep getting wrong but...".. he gets more annoyed at you not understand he is annoyed with you.. you feign surprise, then empathise explaining its even more annoying for you!!! What. a. pickle...!!!!

guess we are trapped doing this kafkaesque loop until someone correctly washes dishes one of us dies....

I should probably start writing a book

I'd start being as "absent minded" / shit at running the house.

He'll notice once he has zero clean clothes or his shirts have burn holes in them.

@SalmonOnFinnCrisp on one hand I think you're a genius and should definitely write a book. It's hilarious and tragic in equal measure.

On the other hand there would be no return from the ick I would have if I had to treat someone like that much of an idiot. No way back.

I would go insane if I had to run an entire strategic psyop campaign to get my partner to mop the bloody floor. Also it genuinely isn’t my house to run, it’s ours.

Id say go offsite (the pub) and have a complete reset/ownership conversation. Everything is up for grabs. How does he want life to be? How does he want the house to look? Then you? Do you want to rent it out and go travelling, sell and move, rent out a room? Break it down and build it back up. Could take a while. No harm in getting angry - you’re not the default skivvy for a bloody house or a piece of furniture. You’re two humans in love making a life every day.

Agree. And why do women wait until retirement to do this? It’s basic ‘grow the fuck up’ 101 conversation any intelligent woman should be having when they first start living with a male partner. If they don’t evolve then you don’t agree to spend a lifetime wiping their arse.

Can you print out a schedule from organised mum and just stick it on the fridge with jobs allocated? Shouldn’t bloody have to do this but thats my nuclear option when we retire if DH doesn’t just get on with it (he’s generally competent but I’ve seen his dad soooo….).