Getting DH to take on more of the chores/ mental load in retirement - how, exactly?

[SandyThumb]

Interested to know how others have achieved this - whether you had a big 'sit down discussion & redistribution' or whether you managed to just gradually pass more on?

DH (62) retired last year and although I'm not working after a period of caring I guess I'm now considered retired, though not yet drawing any pension (I'm 59).

The thing is that the division of household chores hasn't changed much. I still handle all the food planning and shopping, organising the household, planning social events/ entertaining, doing household laundry (bedding, towels etc), changing beds, decluttering/tidying, and a bit of gardening. We also have DS(23) back home temporarily too, so that has created extra work in some ways (more food being eaten...)

Although DH does do some stuff (cooks c. 40% and does his own laundry) whenever I mention him taking on more he talks about 'all the stuff' he's already doing, but the jobs he does seem to be 'one off' which don't really take as much time e.g. arrange car insurance/MOT once a year/ book a holiday/ put the bins out and bring them back in (3 mins!).

I've also noticed that he doesn't check before making plans e.g. if someone needs to wait in for a delivery, or if anyone else needs to use the car etc.

I'm beginning to feel resentment creeping in and want to address it.

The thing you need is not just to have to co standby nag him to do one off jobs but for him to take whole responsibility.

Try saying
"Dh, I'm sick of meal planning and shopping after all these years. Can you take over, here's the log in to the online shopping. Can you plan and cook this week" And then just tell him the things you want added to the shop.

Then you could alternate weeks, who ever isn't cooking is in charge of cleaning so then you might need list the cleaning jobs for him so he knows what go do the next week.

I think you will need to be really blunt with him.

I never did all the things in the first place. So there's that.

For us, our main 'time intensive' tasks are hoovering and shopping and I hate shopping marginally less than hoovering so we have an agreement that he hoovers the house whilst I'm shopping. To be fair he would happily do all the shopping and is pretty good at getting the things needed.

He does all the clothes washing and drying.

For deep cleaning, one takes upstairs and one downstairs.

For daily cleaning, we both do it as we go.

For cooking, I do 5 days a week [I quite like cooking] and he does 2, and whoever doesn't cook does the dishwasher and cleans the kitchen for the day.

Other house tasks are jointly shared. Usually we take a day a week to address them, so taxes, forms, appointments etc we do on a monday so it is done for the week.

He knows that if he didn't do his half we'd have to have a cleaner again, which we had in the UK before we moved away. And he is a tightwad when it comes to things like that so it keeps him focused.

Do none of you have lawns to mow, leaves to sweep, outdoor paintwork to clean, hedges to trim? DH has as much outdoor housework as there is indoor housework.

Lawns to mow - I have a robot for that.
Leaves to sweep - I do that.
Outdoor paintwork to clean - he does that.
Hedges to trim - he does that once a year, takes 5 working days.

What makes you think only men can work outside?

Absolutely nothing and I do weeding, planting and designing. We play to our strengths and know what they are after 37 years together. DH does the dishwasher and is immaculately tidy. He also does all the admin for our home in France and most of it for here.

I shop and cook because I enjoy it. The cleaner cleans.

My plan is to work for a couple of years after dh retires and treat him like the sahm.

These don't sound like every day, or even every week jobs - the lawn doesn't get mown in winter, the leaves only need doing in the autumn, hedges need trimming maybe a couple of times a year. How on earth does your husband have as much to do outdoors as there needs to be done, constantly, indoors?

It depends on the size of the garden I guess. Lawns need scarifying. The leaves won't stop until about mid Jan - the beech is still shedding.

Lawns don't need scarifying regularly either! I guess one can potter in the garden as long as one likes to avoid doing the every day indoor drudge work though.

@TheSmallAssassin gosh you are determined for a ruck aren’t you. What indoor drudgery? I have none of that in my life.

Lucky you, @RosesAndHellebores! Do you just love housework, or do the brownies come and do it for you?

No the cleaner does it, as noted above. I doubt the brownies have sufficient housekeeping experience.

Out of interest, why don't you sit down with your husband and say exactly what you've just written? Resentment is going to make for a pretty crappy marriage in retirement.

Then, assuming he's not a total arse, you need to include DS in the conversation as to what he will be responsible for while he is at home. Weekly chores and presuming he is not paying rent, some help with bigger seasonal stuff.

If he cooks two evening meals a week then he needs to add the ingredients to the online order by X date or he can go out and buy them himself.