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Retirement

Planning your retirement? Join our Retirement forum for advice and help from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Retire at 50 to spend time with my longed-for child?

44 replies

Quandryquandry · 07/04/2019 22:18

Anyone given up work to spend precious school years with their much longed-for children? I don’t need to work financially, but am currently towards the end of training in a highly respected career (medicine) which my family and friends have supported me through with childcare and financial help. I desperately want to give up my career to “be there” for my 7 year old, doing school pick ups, supporting her homework at her pushy private school (not my choice) and spending the school holidays with her at our holiday home rather than putting her in endless holiday camps with staff and other children who she and I don’t know. Friends with older children say I’m mad as I’ve put so much into my career and a post as a consultant is finally in my sights.They say that in just a few years she’ll be a teenager and “won’t want to know me” and I’ll be bored to tears and full of regret about what I’ve given up. At the moment the only thing I regret is delaying starting our family until I reached the “right” point in my training, by which time it turned out I was only able to have one child. Has anyone else thought about leaving a good career to spend time with their children, and either decided to stick with their career or left it and lived to tell the tale?

OP posts:

Mimosa1 · 07/04/2019 22:26

Could you go part time or take a sabbatical as a taster? I wouldn't retire now without having tried it out, so to speak.

I don't know much about medicine but in general, I've found that being more senior means you're better able to organise your time to suit you.

Ploppymoodypants · 07/04/2019 22:27

Oh my goodness. If you can afford it, be with your child. She is at school, so plenty of ‘me time’ available and then you can surely pick up again when she is teenage? If you want to. Don’t worry about feeling guilty because family supported you with childcare. All the work you have done is still relevant.
If this is your only and a much wanted child, then to me it’s a no brainier. Honestly.

(I work part time in a job I really like, but undoubtedly having children has curtailed my chances of promotion. I also would struggle to be a stay at home mum to a toddler. But honestly it’s a few years and seriously she will be gone and you will have missed her 🙁).

Fairylea · 07/04/2019 22:29

I haven’t worked since I was 32 and due to a lump of inheritance I’ve just received I won’t ever need to again. We aren’t rich by any means, just comfortable (no mortgage on a reasonably small house etc). I used to have a very good job in senior management marketing but I don’t regret not working at all. Life is too short. I love being a stay at home parent. My eldest is 16 and my youngest 6, I enjoy the time to myself when they’re at school too.

Do whatever makes you happy. Truly.

SingleMumFighting · 07/04/2019 22:34

Can you take a career break or sabbatical ?I chose to stay at home so do not have a career but I do have very good qualifications. I am very glad that I have had the priviledge to raise my children myself. I say go for it if you can afford it. We will be expected to retire at 67. I think there will be plenty of time to get back to work.

GregoryPeckingDuck · 07/04/2019 22:37

As an only child I would say that a relationship with a parent who has little besides that relationship is stifling. One of my parents gave up a great deal to be there for me. I am very very grateful but every time I do something for myself I feel guilty that it means that I have less to give them. If you do give up your career please male sure you still live a full life outside of your child. Living the way I do is quite oppressive.

MadameAnchou · 07/04/2019 22:40

Sorry, but I think you're crazy.

Starface · 07/04/2019 22:40

As with others, I would question whether you need to be either/or about it. I can totally see why you might not want to be a consultant. These are very demanding roles and can be very hard to do part time.
However you are surely a bright person with a lot to give. After a few years you may find that you want to use this? Especially as your child grows up and changes. Is there a way to keep enough skin in the game to either pick up in a few years or take a different route within medicine.

career break taster (NHS definitely does this).
reduce hours now so training takes longer and you hit consultant later
another medicine related role. Loads ideas out there. Part time phD? Might take 6 years? Plan & apply during career break.
union/royal college roles
teaching/training roles
even see if there is a part time staff grade role you could wangle

Get creative! I totally get the desire to be with children btw. I am likely to give up on career progression now for about 10 years so I can stay in my very flexible job to spend time with kids. It will affect my whole career. But I see it as taking me in a different direction, and it will make me get creative. But won't be climbing the obvious greasy pole in front of me at any great speed. My relationships with my kids and just enabling their personal development is totally worth it though.

MariaNovella · 07/04/2019 22:43

I can really relate to you wanting to spend more time with your child, OP, but I think that giving work completely might quickly become frustrating.

whiteroseredrose · 07/04/2019 23:00

I'd do it. I did and haven't regretted it a bit. I've never gone back to my career however as it was very time consuming but for you, as a qualified doctor, there will always be work if not necessarily as a Consultant.

A good family friend always blamed medicine for taking up so much of her youth that she too almost left having a family too late. Last I heard she'd given up her Consultant role to work in a theatre! Life's too short.

whiteroseredrose · 07/04/2019 23:01

MariaNovella or it might not be frustrating at all!

stayclosetoyourself · 07/04/2019 23:08

I think it depends if you will soon be a consultant and whether you will then have the option to avoid on calls. If that's the case then definitely continue I think you'd be mad to leave.
Also if you are Deanery trained you are allowed to request less thano full time training which would seem an obvious good option for you.
Which specialty are you in?

Original poster

Quandryquandry · 09/04/2019 06:18

Thanks for all your replies. I’m already working part time (3 days) but it still seems too much - 3 evenings when I can’t be with her for homework, piano practice, etc, and my daughter just sits with a nanny or my husband watching TV or DVDs waiting for me to come home at 8 or 9pm after I finish catching up on my paperwork and travel an hour or so to get home (the training Deanery moves us every six months to one of three different hospitals, so there’s usually a long commute).

MadameAnchou, do you think I’m crazy to think of giving up my career or crazy not to?

OP posts:

Smidge001 · 09/04/2019 06:29

What's wrong with your child spending 3 nights a week watching TV with her father after school? I think if you're only working 3 days a week there's no need to give up work.

tomhazard · 09/04/2019 06:45

If you were working full time I might encourage you to work part time but seeing as you're already doing this I think it's madness to give up completely. You already get 2 days per week to pick her up/do homework, and why can't she do her homework with her dad? I do understand your desires, I work more than I'd like to and rarely pick up my DC from school but as a long term decision, to give up completely would be unwise.

Bagpuss5 · 09/04/2019 06:50

Would she be watching dvds or tv with you?

Fazackerley · 09/04/2019 06:59

Hmm

If this is real - why no choice in her school? Also what the neck is wrong with her watching dvds with her dad? Are you worried she isn't being hot housed enough?

Fazackerley · 09/04/2019 07:00

*heck 🤣

Ragwort · 09/04/2019 07:00

Surely it’s good for your DD to spend time with her dad? As a PP has said it can be really suffocating for a child to feel they are the ‘centre of the universe’ for their parent, how are you going to feel when your DD goes to uni or might want to emigrate?

I think a p/t role like you have sounds ideal, you have a fantastic career, can get back into it when the time is right & you still have 4 days a week with your DD.

I speak from experience, I did stop work when I had my DS, but believe me, children don’t want their parents around all the time, I never got back into the same ‘level’ of career that I had before & will have to work for years to make up the financial disadvantage. Think very carefully before giving up a good, well paid, p/t career.

cptartapp · 09/04/2019 07:00

Why is watching tv with her father any different to watching it with you?

chopc · 09/04/2019 07:02

You only have one life. Why don't you take a locum part time post once you have got your CCT? I wouldn't give it all up altogether. Get your qualification then you will have more options to return to a more substantial post when you are ready.
For what's its worth my three kids are very proud of my job and they admire me for being a working mum

AnotherEmma · 09/04/2019 07:04

"her pushy private school (not my choice)"
?

Why did you send her to a school you didn't want to send her to?

Anyway. You already work part-time, you have 4 full days a week to focus on her. You'd be mad to retire now.

You also sound like a pushy parent (despite claiming you didn't want to send her to a pushy school). What's wrong with her watching tv a few evenings a week? She's 7, is she supposed to do homework and piano practice all evening every evening?

Margorystewartbaxter · 09/04/2019 07:06

It sounds like a good balance now really - maybe apply for some time off over the summer holidays and really enjoy that with her? In the nicest possible way, I think she would become your focus a little too much and she might feel a bit crowded. I think whatever you decide, working parents always feel that pull, but our children are gloriously proud of what we do, and I expect your little girl is no different

Exitstrategist · 09/04/2019 07:06

I would be reluctant OP. I recently was made redundant and now stay at home with my 3 year old and I am six months pregnant. I worked four days a week in a busy environment, similar to you. I am so bored. Hate admitting it. Do lots of activities- get out every day. But I’ve lost part of myself and feel like I have no conversation anymore. Realistically it will now be at least a year and a half before I rejoin the workforce. Makes no sense for us financially but for my mental health is totally necessary. Luckily, there are always lots of jobs available in my profession and you don’t tend to deskill- I’m guessing to step out of medicine means it’s difficult to get back to where you were? Can you take more unpaid leave as a compromise? Good luck

Wasabiaddiction · 09/04/2019 07:43

I was an older mum at 42

I took a career break. Now regret it.

I wish I had stuck it out.

In 3 years time she will be on verge of secondary school and will be so much more independent. It will wizz by.

Think carefully.

gassylady · 09/04/2019 07:53

I’m in the tough it out a bit longer camp. How long until your CCT date? Once you have your CCT you have options, consultant post either full or part time/job share, staff grade post and there is the possibility of the associate specialist grade being reopened. Seems a shame to waste all that time and effort in training so far.

Also by continuing to work in such a role you are modelling to your daughter that she could do anything. Also that financial independence is a good thing.

COI: part time female consultant

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