Dd age 10 revelation please advise! *contains sexual references*

foldablefarm · 2023-04-07T07:16:10+00:00

Last night dd, age 10, had a huge outburst and told me that when she was 6 a boy she was friends with kissed her and put his willy in her bits. She was distraught telling me. Shaking, pacing, sobbing. She said she thinks of it every day and wanted to tell me every day. That her life is ruined. That this will never leave her even when she is an old lady. That she hates this boy so so much. That she is angry that she ever liked him. That she sees no way through this. I don't know what to do. He is the same age as her and they have lots of contact though she says she hates him and doesn't speak to him. She said that I can tell her dad but no one else. I would really appreciate some advice! My heart is breaking for her.

Cosycover · 07/04/2023 08:19

Oh my goodness your poor daughter.
I am so glad she has found the courage to tell you.

I think you need to get the police involved here.

I am trying to think what I would do in this situation and I think that is what I'd do.

This behaviour is very wrong for 6 years old and I'd wonder what his home environment is like.

Wishing you all the strength in the world.

Keep talking to us on here. I'm sure someone with better advice will be along soon.

Just wanted you to know that you aren't alone 💜

Sittwritt · 07/04/2023 08:25

That’s very difficult.

Reassure her that she’s right in telling you and that sharing a burden is a way of healing. That’s obviously been very traumatising for her.

But his can this happen without a full erection?

Anyhow I guess that’s irrelevant because her experience matters.

Sounds like the boy is sexually abused to try something on like that so local authority safeguarding would be best port of call.

Your girl may have complex post traumatic stress disorder if she if she is still being upset by it. You need counselling for her.

Kittytitt · 07/04/2023 08:30

Phone the NSPCC, you can ask for anonymous advice but they will help you, it would also ring alarm bells for the boy needing help. I’m so sorry about your DD, at least now you can support her now she’s told you.

Saddm · 07/04/2023 08:41

Ime you must ring the police.. Your dd must see you have taken this as seriously as it can get. What happens then is up to the police. She must never see that boy again.. Seek family therapy. It is vital for down the line... Again ime. We didn't and it shows greatly.
Sorry you are going through this.
Also until the police are involved don't discuss or ask dd any questions.. Leave it to the professionals. She just needs to hear you believe her.

Bemyclementine · 07/04/2023 08:45

Your poor daughter. I'd be very concerned about what the boy was exposed to or a victim of, for him to do this aged 6. I would contact NSPCC for advice on how to move forward. Speak to your daughter about how counselling can help her move forward. This incident doesn't define her, or have to ruin her life as she thinks it will.

Sittwritt · 07/04/2023 08:48

Yes NSPCC today or asap for sure. You can get through this but best resolved.

I would move town too if this boy is in her contacts all the time sounds dodg.

determinedtomakethiswork · 07/04/2023 08:49

Your poor daughter. I agree with contacting the NSPCC. I contacted them once after babysitting for someone and being very disturbed by the situation. They handled it brilliantly.

BraveGoldie · 07/04/2023 08:49

All good suggestions, but first and above all else, I would say love, accept and reassure your daughter. This issue has been going on for four years without you knowing. Yes external action is probably needed, but it might be tempting to throw yourself into that more than be present with your daughter.

This is a huge, huge thing for her to have managed to tell you...... she probably has fears of you rejecting her, being repulsed, her being in trouble, or you being awfully upset or you reacting by taking the whole situation nuclear. In the absolute immediate term, I would just be present, calm, reassuring, that you love her and are there for her, let her talk, show her you are strong enough to hear and be there for her, and that she did the right thing by telling you. Tell her how sorry you are this has happened to her, that it was absolutely wrong, and that it wasn't her fault. Be the safe space she has been craving.

Once you have given her that, you will already have helped her begin a step towards healing. I'm afraid by jumping instantly into action mode, she may miss out on that.

Am not an expert in any way. Just my instinct.

PaigeMatthews · 07/04/2023 08:50

Oh your poor daughter. You need professional help. Your daughter needs this. Ever if she doesnt realise that yet.

I'd be very concerned about what the boy was exposed to or a victim of, for him to do this aged 6. this too. I know this isn't your concern, but it should be the polices so pass it on to them.

do not feel bad for informing the police. Two children here desperately need help. Your daughter must get the help she needs.

ClarabelleRose · 07/04/2023 08:53

BraveGoldie · 07/04/2023 08:49

All good suggestions, but first and above all else, I would say love, accept and reassure your daughter. This issue has been going on for four years without you knowing. Yes external action is probably needed, but it might be tempting to throw yourself into that more than be present with your daughter.

This is a huge, huge thing for her to have managed to tell you...... she probably has fears of you rejecting her, being repulsed, her being in trouble, or you being awfully upset or you reacting by taking the whole situation nuclear. In the absolute immediate term, I would just be present, calm, reassuring, that you love her and are there for her, let her talk, show her you are strong enough to hear and be there for her, and that she did the right thing by telling you. Tell her how sorry you are this has happened to her, that it was absolutely wrong, and that it wasn't her fault. Be the safe space she has been craving.

Once you have given her that, you will already have helped her begin a step towards healing. I'm afraid by jumping instantly into action mode, she may miss out on that.

Am not an expert in any way. Just my instinct.

1000% this.

OP, I am so sorry your poor daughter has been through this. Shocking & awful for you to have heard too - my heart breaks for you both.

ImaynotliketheEducationSecretary · 07/04/2023 08:56

My heart breaks for anyone in this situation.

I agree with all PP - you need to call experts in this NSPCC/Police.

And I would get support from them, rather than MN at this point. If other's share their stories with you it may muddy your recollections of what your DD said/exacerbate the horror you are going through.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 07/04/2023 08:58

Oh your poor DD. She has been alone with this for a long time. Please give her lots of praise for being brave enough to tell you. Please don't say "Why didn't you tell me at the time" or anything negative in any way about what she "should" have done or said.

(My mum did this to me - conveniently forgetting that I HAD told her, and she'd done sweet FA about it - and it was hugely damaging)

Does she see this boy at school or an activity? I think reassure her that she doesn't ever have to be near him again, and you will do whatever it takes to make that happen.

Sit with her and speak with her dad first. You as parents will need to gently get her on board with reporting to authorities. Reassure her that police and social services are there to deal with exactly these situations and stop them from happening again.

I think starting by phoning 101 and just saying you need to report a sexual assault of a child will get the ball rolling. They should assign a specialist officer. It will also be flagged to social services because this boy's home life needs urgent investigation. Children of 6 don't just decide to sexually assault their friends, at the very least he's been exposed to sexual activity.

Please tell your DD that although the memories right now are stuck in her brain and she may feel they will never go, there are thousands and thousands of people in this country alone who have had these awful experiences, but they've received treatment and have gone on to live totally normal, happy lives where the memories don't just keep coming out every minute.

for you and your DD, she's a very brave girl.

Dachshund40 · 07/04/2023 09:00

Please can this have a trigger warning! The content of your post was not what I was expecting to read

DiscoBeat · 07/04/2023 09:01

Oh my goodness!!! Your poor daughter (and you). I would spend quality time with her over several days and write down everything she says. Keep all of your notes, even if she explains it again. Some of it might come out in fragments here and there as she unearths some of it that she might have hidden. And get a GP appointment, but yes obviously police too, once you have her full story - not quite as urgent from the point of view of evidence. So you can go at her pace.

Saddm · 07/04/2023 09:06

Please ignore the above advice. You must NOT ask for details etc. Suggestive questioning is dangerous... Leave it to the professionals... Do not write anything down op.

Saddm · 07/04/2023 09:07

It really isn't up to the op to get the whole story. You need professionals who know their job. Your job is her dm. Being that is what she needs from you.

kilos · 07/04/2023 09:08

Saddm · 07/04/2023 09:07

It really isn't up to the op to get the whole story. You need professionals who know their job. Your job is her dm. Being that is what she needs from you.

Completely agree, if she talks about it of her accord, fine, but do not ask questions. Leave that to a professional. She doesn't need to see you getting upset.

Original poster

foldablefarm · 07/04/2023 10:26

Thank you all for the advice. She is happily listening to her audiobook now this morning and we have said nothing more about it yet. My mom is visiting so I went out and met her dad and told him. He said we should tell school and they will alert authorities. They are in the same class and even worse my ex is n a relationship with the boy's mum 😭

OP posts:

Original poster

foldablefarm · 07/04/2023 10:54

I have reassured her that she has done the right thing in telling me. That it's not her fault. That I love her. I did write down everything I remembered her saying after she fell asleep in case I forgot sentances

OP posts:

TropicalH20 · 07/04/2023 11:03

foldablefarm · 07/04/2023 10:26

Thank you all for the advice. She is happily listening to her audiobook now this morning and we have said nothing more about it yet. My mom is visiting so I went out and met her dad and told him. He said we should tell school and they will alert authorities. They are in the same class and even worse my ex is n a relationship with the boy's mum 😭

I'm so so sorry this has happened to your poor daughter. It must be tough for her but at least she has you to protect her and get her the help she needs. I would definitely speak to nspcc, they will advise and will alert the necessary people. They usually signpost too so could give you places to speak to, to help her emotional needs.

With regards to the other child, it's concerning. You say DD dad is in a relationship with the mum. Do they live together? If so unfortunately I would stop DD staying there as its not a safe place for her and also stop any contact with the other child too.

Sittwritt · 07/04/2023 11:14

They are in the same class and even worse my ex is n a relationship with the boy's mum

wtf? So step sibling/incest. Geez OP you need to ensure she never never shares the space. And your ex needs to protect her by quitting this relationship.

kilos · 07/04/2023 11:22

foldablefarm · 07/04/2023 10:26

Thank you all for the advice. She is happily listening to her audiobook now this morning and we have said nothing more about it yet. My mom is visiting so I went out and met her dad and told him. He said we should tell school and they will alert authorities. They are in the same class and even worse my ex is n a relationship with the boy's mum 😭

Your ex as in your daughter's father? If so, no wonder she was reluctant to tell you. What an awful situation

Original poster

foldablefarm · 07/04/2023 11:56

ExH (dad's dad) lives with his parents and stays with his new girlfriend half the week. He only has the kids while at his parents house so thank God dd doesn't have to stay there.

Thank you to whoever changed the title to add in the sexual references warning

OP posts:

Bibittybobittyboop · 07/04/2023 12:29

Similar story with our DD. I am so so sorry for your daughter and you, OP. This is just the very beginning of everything, and you probably feel overwhelmed and alone. It is an awful thing to go through as a family, but it is so good your daughter felt able to talk to you. Many children never do and suffer because of it.

Apart from going to the police, and please do this asap, your next step will be therapy for DD and you. You also need to remove all contact with her abuser straight away. Talk to the police about this and not to your ex. Let them advise you how to do this.

Please remember, abuse between 6 year-olds is almost always because the abuser has been sexually abused. Sexual knowledge at that age is just about nil, and that the suspected abuse of the boy will be for your ex and his partner to deal with. Not you, not your daughter. Your focus is your daughter, regardless of what anyone says.

Also, document absolutely everything - every conversation, every letter, reaction, then, time date and email it straight away to yourself so you have a date-stamped electronic trail. This is particularly important if people deny being told or problems occur in the future.

Lastly, but also very unpleasantly equally important, you may need to get your daughter tested for STDs. The reason for this is that children who sexually abuse have most likely been sexually abused in some way and may have contracted an STD from an adult. This will be discussed by a doctor with you. Just so you are forewarned.

All the very best, OP. I am here if you need to DM

mindutopia · 07/04/2023 21:08

I’m so sorry for your dd and you. I would speak to the NSPCC as a start and then the school/police when you’re ready.

The same happened to me about the same age. I’m 40s now and I wish someone had raised concerns back then. I’m left with memories but no clear understanding of what actually happened. I wish so much that I could put the pieces all together now. Having adults who believed me and tried to understand it all would have made such a difference to me as an adult.

It doesn’t mean that a child is to blame or an ‘abuser’. I don’t believe in my case that the children involved were. But I think there were adults involved and knowing who they were and what happened would have meant a lot to me.