Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Are all men the same?

65 replies

Bestcatmum · 11/11/2022 12:04

I'm ashamed to say I've been divorced three times.

All seemed like decent men, caring, attentive, as soon as we got married I'm suddently the scullery maid and maid of all work while they go off and do exactly whatever they want.

I have always been the main breadwinner, I have always told them before marriage what will happen if they do this as they swear equality and then after the marriage behave completely differently.

Do all men think all women are good for is to serve their menfolk and do everything for them like their mum?

My adult son doesn't behave like this.

I make it crystal clear what I will not tolerate and they take no notice.

I'm never getting married again or having another relationship - I'm sick to death of it. None of my husbands even mowed the lawn even once.

I feel like Bluebeard, and a bit of a failure. Why can't I have a happy equal relationship?

OP posts:
Optimummum · 14/11/2022 06:47

Same1977 · 14/11/2022 06:45

Yes but not by far.Just takes reading some of mumsnet threads to realise women can be just as toxic these days.

Show quote history

Really . I can’t say I agree that women are using sex workers , assaulting partners and killing at the rates men are ?

unknown10 · 14/11/2022 06:49

What a stupid question

Same1977 · 14/11/2022 06:53

Optimummum · 14/11/2022 06:47

Really . I can’t say I agree that women are using sex workers , assaulting partners and killing at the rates men are ?

Show quote history

I would reply in detail but this is a chat that is way too long to go back and forth on mumsnet with.But yes on those specific stats you are right
All I can say I have a wonderful husband and I know many lovely fathers,brothers and sons.Painting everyone with the same brush is not right or helpful to an individual.

Optimummum · 14/11/2022 06:59

Same1977 · 14/11/2022 06:53

I would reply in detail but this is a chat that is way too long to go back and forth on mumsnet with.But yes on those specific stats you are right
All I can say I have a wonderful husband and I know many lovely fathers,brothers and sons.Painting everyone with the same brush is not right or helpful to an individual.

Show quote history

Of course I agree it wouldn’t be right to paint everyone with the same brush and not all men do those things but to say women are just as toxic as men as a general statement is really grossly misleading
I think it needs to be acknowledged that although there are good men there are also an awful lot doing the things described and they are not simple things like ‘ being toxic in a relationship . They are things that can cause grave harm to women
im glad you have a wonderful husband brother etc , so do I but I also realistically see the effects of men who are not like that… and there are still way too many of them

pinkfondu · 14/11/2022 07:03

Bestcatmum · 11/11/2022 12:04

I'm ashamed to say I've been divorced three times.

All seemed like decent men, caring, attentive, as soon as we got married I'm suddently the scullery maid and maid of all work while they go off and do exactly whatever they want.

I have always been the main breadwinner, I have always told them before marriage what will happen if they do this as they swear equality and then after the marriage behave completely differently.

Do all men think all women are good for is to serve their menfolk and do everything for them like their mum?

My adult son doesn't behave like this.

I make it crystal clear what I will not tolerate and they take no notice.

I'm never getting married again or having another relationship - I'm sick to death of it. None of my husbands even mowed the lawn even once.

I feel like Bluebeard, and a bit of a failure. Why can't I have a happy equal relationship?

I'm sorry you have now given up hope.

SimoneSimone · 14/11/2022 07:04

Unfortunately sounds like you were unlucky with the men you ended up with. Lots of men are more than capable of looking after themselves and their partners. So no, they are not all the same.

Same1977 · 14/11/2022 07:15

Optimummum · 14/11/2022 06:59

Of course I agree it wouldn’t be right to paint everyone with the same brush and not all men do those things but to say women are just as toxic as men as a general statement is really grossly misleading
I think it needs to be acknowledged that although there are good men there are also an awful lot doing the things described and they are not simple things like ‘ being toxic in a relationship . They are things that can cause grave harm to women
im glad you have a wonderful husband brother etc , so do I but I also realistically see the effects of men who are not like that… and there are still way too many of them

Show quote history

You are right there.I Come from a family where domestic violence was prevalent so I know how dangerous it can be.Thankfully it's not something I have encountered as an adult.
I have however come across women who think they can punish man by keeping his name of child's birth certificate, stop him seeing his kids as he has moved on in his private life, also women who think punching and slapping men when angry is not a big deal etc.Its obviously not the same as grave bodily harm or killing someone but to be honest I know quite a few women who are so 'in control' of their family that if it was reversed it would be called domestic violence and coercive behaviour.
Sadly there are just too many 'assholes' of both gender (not the same but worth noting)

LolaSmiles · 14/11/2022 07:19

im glad you have a wonderful husband brother etc , so do I but I also realistically see the effects of men who are not like that… and there are still way too many of them
You're right here.

Regardless of whether we have a husband who pulls his weight around the house, there's far too many men who have weaponised incompetence, expect their female partners to pick up after them, and find ways to opt out of domestic and family life.
Most would never carry on at work the way they do at home because it's a choice.

FrippEnos · 14/11/2022 07:21

There has to be a time when you realise that its not the men but the men that you are choosing. I stopped looking not because I don't make a good partner but because those that I was attracted too were absolutely awful.

whiteroseredrose · 14/11/2022 07:34

No. Not all men are the same.

My DF isn't like you describe, nor is my DstepF nor DH.

The only one of my friends that was married to a man like that is divorced. Her new DP couldn't be more different.

There is something about your 'type' that makes you keep going for men that let you down. So if you decide to put a toe in the water again, try a different type.

Artygirlghost · 14/11/2022 08:23

I don't think all men are like this but many are.

Mainly because society allows them to always put themselves first and to expect women to look after them.

The good ones usually will stay married/in long term relationship so the ones you find on the single scene, especially as you get older, are usually single for a reason...and that reason is often the fact that they don't respect women or see them as equal.

monsteramunch · 14/11/2022 08:42

NAMALT of course but way too many are.

ChardonnaysBeastlyCat · 14/11/2022 08:44

Of course they are. Hmm

Every single one of them, except your son.

Sonervousimgonnathrowup · 14/11/2022 10:02

swirlypinky · 13/11/2022 08:58

My OH is very woke, modern and has all the right intentions . He's a feminist and prides himself on this

Im the breadwinner too. I earn more than
Double he does

However, he still cannot help being a lazy arse who lets me take the lead in matters of
The home and children

I’m sorry, but feminism is this ecactly?

Is he one of those ’sex positive’ feminist, that his feminism starts and ends on watching porn?

crackofdoom · 14/11/2022 10:16

I'm intrinsically lazy and struggle with parenting, and suspect that if I was a man I might well be one of the "bad ones"- allow my DP to shoulder most of the domestic burden, see the kids rarely if we split up, etc.

However, since I'm a woman I'm ineligible for that free pass to behave badly.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page