Are all men the same?

My ex was one of the funniest, kindest men I had ever met. He was so supportive, I could talk to him about anything, we just clicked from the off. He kept that act up for about a year until we moved in together.

He did nothing around the house, contributed nothing financially because I was the breadwinner, he was jealous, controlling and became emotionally and physically abusive. It’s clear to me now that he absolutely hated women. Frighteningly so.

I don’t know if all men are like that, and some won’t be as extreme in their behaviour but I won’t be taking the risk. I will never remarry or live with a man again.

My husband is perfect for me. Together 20 years, supportive, attentive, reliable. We are best friends and a genuine team in life. Plus we find each other so attractive even after all these years. I am so thankful to have met him in my late teens and not had to experience what a lot of others have. I might not be what others are looking for, and he might not be either, but for each other - we fit together perfectly.

This cuts both ways, husbands and wives can both become complacent after a couple of years of marriage and stop making an effort because it's so hard to get out of a marriage, better not to get married at all.

My OH is very woke, modern and has all the right intentions . He's a feminist and prides himself on this

Im the breadwinner too. I earn more than
Double he does

However, he still cannot help being a lazy arse who lets me take the lead in matters of
The home and children

Mumsnet is a very jaundiced place as far as relationships are concerned. A lot of posters seem to have poor relationships which gives a poor impression. Most in good relationships don't bother so it becomes one sided.
I don't have many female friends, mainly wives in the married couples in our friendship group and now some younger women who are really my daughters friends. The married ones seem to be in happy relationships the single girls are content with their lives and friendships.

No not all men. I could make some generalizations about women too but that would be very unfair. How are you attracting the same problem over and over? 3x and the same issue, I would work to finding out why? What are your boundaries and deal-breaker? My dh is nothing like what you describe, but I wouldn't have tolerated anything that raised the slightest flag for me.

Wow @Veja ”weaponised incompetence”! Sometimes I think until you have a label for poor behaviour you just feel so confused about it. This is my friend’s husband exactly!! But also my partner sometimes.

OP, I’ve been wondering this of late. I’ve had two LTRs as an adult, and both have ended when I realised they were being very manipulative, in similar ways but about different things.

The first was 32 with familial asset wealth, a VERY successful job and a cleaner, so he didn’t have me do house tasks - he had me completely take care of him emotionally, as if emotion-vomiting all over me and me cleaning it up was a test of my love. When he went through a hard time (death of a parent), it got worse and worse, and it was very clear that he expected me to make him not upset (by being the best “hot girlfriend” I could be) and when I didn’t, he became irate like I had failed him. It felt a little like prostitution - “I’m sad, you need to be sexy and perfect enough that it makes me happy”. He very much resented my career success despite being more successful than me!!

“This last one was also secretly resentful and jealous of my success. He hid it so damn well and I was shocked when he finally admitted it to me.” — the PP who said this, this happened to me in the above relationship. I was so shocked as I had NO idea and yet he was VERY resentful, so much so that he kept some money from me when we broke up. He didn’t say this but it felt like he felt I “owed him”. He also broke up with me, then wanted to get back together and I didn’t, so he told everyone I had broken up with him shortly after his parents death ie I was cruel.

The second is more traditional in that I’ve been with him 5-6 years now, and he is more “normal” (same as me) in that he’s not wealthy, and yet I’ve helped him turn his small inheritance into a much larger sum. Still, he believes (this slips out in arguments) I’m taking advantage of him monetarily. When I met him he barely cleaned. He claimed (age 42) this was his impoverished upbringing (as a child). Every time he would clean he would ask me what I was going to do in return. Now (after much fighting about it) he does that less, but it still slips out in arguments — as if almost everything he does “for me” is a generous favour and everything I do for him is expected. I’m getting my ducks in a row to leave, and I’m not looking for a relationship. I will try to be a smbc, as I’ve had 4 losses and desperately want to take care of a living little one (as well as remember and love all my lost little ones).

He can help it though and if he really is a feminist he will strictly want to stop perpetuating the standard that women are by default responsible for anything chore and child related.

They're not all like that, but I depends on the role models they've had growing up. A boy who sees equity and fairness and both parents pulling their weight is going to grow up with a different worldview than a boy who grows up seeing his dad/step dad opt out of basic domestic life, watching their mum baby the man child who apparently can't load the dishwasher.

I can't stand weaponised incompetence and neither can DH. It would be a bit of a large turn off if a man was so pathetic that he 'couldn't' work a washing machine or cook a meal.

No of course they are not, any more than all women are the same. However, I am curious about this statement - I'm suddenly the scullery maid and maid of all work while they go off and do exactly whatever they want.

Why do you take on this 'maid' role? There is no way that a flip switches and second you are married, he stops doing his fair share. I suspect there is a martyr syndrome going on where, instead of stating the problem as soon as it happens, you huff and puff, pick up the slack and let resentment seep in.

As this has happened in all your marriages, it would seem to indicate that you are the common link so maybe look at whether you need to change something about your behaviour and responses to these situations?

My dad is a truly wonderful human. The best I know. When my mother died 27 years ago he realised he had lost the right woman and didn't want to waste another woman's time just to fill a gap. So he didn't, he focused on bringing me up, working hard and his friends.

All the research suggests that there's a strongly entrenched sex gap in who does household and caring chores. So no, all men aren't the same, but an awful lot of them are.

yougov.co.uk/topics/society/articles-reports/2022/08/31/men-and-women-disagree-how-much-they-contribute-ho

amp.theguardian.com/inequality/2018/feb/17/dirty-secret-why-housework-gender-gap

eige.europa.eu/publications/gender-equality-index-2021-report/gender-differences-household-chores

I think younger men (under 30ish) are far nicer than older men - they seem to have better feminist values and want to pitch in and behave more equally in a relationship. I think it’s a sliding scale from 35 onwards and when you get to 50 plus they’re all chauvinistic arseholes.

(In my third marriage).

Yes sure becoming disinterested , being generally a twat or even cheating does cut both ways
However, using sex workers , porn addiction , violently assaulting one’s partner and worse are very much mostly male behaviours

Sure NAM ( pipes the chorus) but enough that women need to be super careful ad they risk far more than hurt pride or ir wallets if they get a further literally can be risking their health and their lives

Also I agree with the poster above who said younger guys , under 30 seem to be a lot better than the older ones , so perhaps things are changing

I have found the exact opposite. The younger ones pretend to be all right-on and feminist but expect to be waited on. They are faking to be liked. The older ones are more self-sufficient, can cook, clean and take care of themselves.

Answering the Op's OP:
No, not all men are the same.
But they are societally conditioned to be very, very similar, as are women.

Few break out of that and go their own way, however.

I'm sorry you've had bad experiences. But to say all men over 50 are chauvinistic arseholes is just offensive nonsense.

Maybe it is. But it’s certainly my experience and the experience of many other women judging by the media and by various forums including this one.

Of course not, but obviously your picker is off. I'm not blaming you, they shouldn't be treating you that way. And better to be divorced twenty times than miserable with an arsehole. But it does sound as if something gets missed at the selection process.

I may get jumped on for this, but I think it might be an especial risk for higher earning women who date lower earning men. Obviously there are plenty of relationships like that that work fine and I'm not suggesting women shouldn't be high earners. I just think that if the woman is the breadwinner, she's more likely to attract a particular type of arsehole and it pays (ha ha) to be alert to it. Lower earning women would attract a different variant of arsehole.

Your son doesn't behave like that, so there you go.

But if you're happy single, and in your shoes I would be, it surely doesn't matter.

Not all of them, no. DH1 was. Luckily I saw my mistake pre-dc. DH2 is definitely one of the good ones. 22 years in and he does more than his fair share.

It’s rare to find them as once you have a truly decent partner why would you split up?
My DH is nearly 70 but is completely equal with housework, diy, gardening, cooks well, takes his share of mental load without thinking…and he truly respects women and cherishes us. He was an only child whose lovely mother sadly passed away when he was 12; had a taciturn father.
I was married twice previously…men who seemed sensitive on paper but who actually had a deep dislike of women, and who did very little.
Don’t be ashamed of your life, of trying.

By that notion all women are the same?How silly.
Woman do what they can get away with and so do men

That’s likely true and considering we live in a man’s world where it caters to them and their needs they tend to ‘ get away ‘ with a whole lot more than women

Yes but not by far.Just takes reading some of mumsnet threads to realise women can be just as toxic these days.

The expectations on mothers vs fathers is a classic example of how men are catered to and get away with so much more
not paying for their children , being deadbeat dads and even when in relationships not taking on 50 % responsibility for the care of their children is all very common - no all men of course ( I know some wonderful younger dads which is great to see ) but many more men dodging their responsibilities than women and certainly society judges women far more harshly in the event they do